Stages of acceptance?

[Penny Daniels]

I've noted elsewhere that my first attempt at dressing was not successful, in large part because my wife was unsupportive. This time around, our daughter painted my nails, and I just kept on painting them. That went from "OMG what will people at your office think," to "Lord you do a terrible job, just get a manicure," with the agreement that I'll take it off for things like PTO meetings (because what will the other parents think, and will our kid be bullied because Daddy has beautiful nails). Then leg shaving. That went from "Why would you want to do that? You're not a swimmer," to "Don't do that, you'll get ingrown hairs," to "Maybe you should consider laser for the ingrown hair areas and just shave the legs."

It's small battles, but I feel like I'm slowly normalizing certain elements of presenting femme. I'm slowly working up the courage to do more, but I'm not sure what would be next. Makeup? Wig? Underdressing? Occasional full dressing? Just walk out of the bathroom in a skirt, halter top and heels?

I'm curious what "stages of acceptance" people here experienced, if any, and if there was a tipping point.

[kimdl93]

The incremental approach has considerable risk, particularly if you simply add one step after another without reaching some sort of agreement with your partner beforehand. You may get the mistaken impression that you are achieving acceptance by increments, when in reality your wife may simply be resignation and a desire to avoid conflict in the moment. And rather than having her limited acceptance, you may be incrementally adding to her emotional burden. You run the risk that one more thing may be the straw that breaks the camel?s back.

Consider asking for her support and acceptance of that next thing, before adding to your presentation. And be prepared with an honest answer when she asks where this is going to end.

[Penny Daniels]

A perspective I hadn't considered, thank you.

[docrobbysherry]

Do u mean our acceptance of our dressing or our SO's acceptance?:straightface:

For SO's I recommend the boiled frog approach. Gradually add bits and pieces over time. Until she's boiled and ok with u dressed to the 9's!:heehee:

[SophiaRose]

The tipping point may be within your desire to dress and not align with your wife's acceptance. Once you open that door to accepting yourself as a cross-dresser without fear, shame, or regret, in rolls the euphoric fog. When this happened to me my dressing escalated quickly and has been difficult to control. You may be an unstoppable force that meets your wife, who is an immovable object. I think Kim has it right. Establish some agreement before your next steps to avoid creating additional emotional turmoil. Best to you!

[Brynna M]

I'm going to second kimdl. Without talking with your wife you don't know for sure how begrudging her acceptance is. There is a huge difference in a relationship between "I'm makeing a compromise because I care" and on the other hand "I'm stuck with it because you don't care what I think so why fight". And everything in between. You are in the best position to judge where your wife's feelings might lie but lack of opposition a present is no guarantees to be a loving acceptance.

[Rhonda Darling]

Sherry, I almost awakened the house laughing at your boiled frog suggestion. Nicely phrased, indeed

And Penny, don't boil your wife. 🙄

[kimdl93]

Just another thought. Brynna used the term begrudging acceptance. I am long past inflicting myself on another partner, but if I did, I would hope for something more than resignation or begrudging acceptance. But that is not something you can coax, condition or manipulate in a relationship.

[alwayshave]

Penny, without talking to your wife, you have no idea what will be the straw that breaks the camels back.

[Sometimes Steffi]

My relationship is very DADT. My wife knows that I crossdress, but wishes that I didn't. She has never seen me dressed, even in a pic, nor has she seen any of my clothes except one that "escapes" now and then. She sees me packing for events and probably recognizes that I have several large duffle bags filled with clothes, shoes, makeup and jewelry. And, that's probably even the half of it. I would characterize her position position as tolerance rather than grudging acceptance.

My wife knows that I go out dressed for a day here and there and to a multiday conference. Dressing openly in her presence or in the presence of friends and neighbors would probably transition out relationship from fragile peace to open warfare. I choose discretion as the better part of valor.

YMMV.

[NancySue]

I told my fianc? before we walked the aisle, fearing the worst. Fortunately, she was OK with my dressing. I still went slow thinking this was too good to be true. She began encouraging me to dress and helped me with makeup. It appears to me you?re on the right track, but suggest you go slowly. Rome wasn?t built in a day. Best.

[Stephanie47]

As I have described many times on this site over the years I am in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. When we were newly married my wife walked in on me when I was wearing one of her nightgowns. "Why?" she asked. I explained I liked the feel of the nylon. The short story is we ended up buying me several nightgowns for me to wear when being frisky in the bedroom. It also included hosiery. After we had children, she suggested I wear a nightie less because she did not want our kids to walk in on us with me wearing a nightie. It was a reasonable request. Everything blew up when our toddler daughter opened the bottom draw of my armoire and yanked a vivid red Vanity Fair bra out of a box I get my wardrobe in. It was minimal. Timing wise, it was twelve years into our marriage. Thus entered DADT. She wanted no part of it, and I stopped any attempts to gain some sort of acceptance. Maybe, three years ago she was clearing our the back of her side of the walk-in closet of nightgowns that she no longer fit into (Sigh!). She tossed them all into a pile. She told me to "Take whatever you want!" Duh! This was forty years after "The Talk." She was inviting me to take the nightie she walked in on me wearing. I took it, and I wear it, as we sleep apart for medical comfort. If that is acceptance, that's it. Two weeks ago we were casually talking about our mortality and ridding our lives of "stuff" so our kids would not have the job after we pass on. She quipped that I needed to start getting rid of "our things." Given the amount of hobby related crap I own, I did not know if she was zeroing in on my extensive "hidden in plain sight" wardrobe.

[Penny Daniels]

Hoo boy. She wants to talk about my "experimentation. Soon."

Wish me luck

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Penny:hugs:The ladies here runs the complete circle from nothing to the whole 9 Yards

[Bea_]

My wife is handicapped and not in a position to force a DADT situation. She can and has shown total disgust for the idea of me wearing makeup or a bra. Some other issues and behaviors in our marriage ended up sending me to a therapist at the beginning of 2021. By talking things through in sessions, I came to realize just how one sided our relationship had been in many, many ways. It took a couple of years before I just started to wear a bra under my shirts and allow her to reject me all she wanted. About six months ago, I started getting up every morning before she does and enjoy a routine of putting on light eyeshadow, mascara and lip gloss. She'd ask me to explain why I'd ever want to wear makeup and I really didn't feel the need to explain myself. I'm not hiding ulterior motive.

One surprising outcome is that when I started wearing makeup, she did not complain about the fact that I was wearing makeup but she did give me a LOT of negative feedback about the application. I finally got to the point where I met her approval by having barely visible makeup. I go a bit more dramatic occasionally and she always cringes a bit. Again, I stand my ground, at least around the house. I do not want to embarrass her in public.

She obviously would prefer that I match her ideal of what a man should be. I tried to be that man for decades but never received any credit. Now, traditional masculinity holds virtually zero value for me. I love being a dude. I love my plumbing. I love being a husband, father and grandfather. I love my beard. I love my near-waist-length hair. And, I love that I've found an aesthetic that gives a sense of value that I never sensed as a "normal" dude.

I am in a situation where I am retired and she's fairly dependent so just standing my ground works for me. I am not suggesting it for anyone else.

[Shelli]

I just found this conversation. Belatedly, I hope it went well for you!
Hugs, Shelli

[Penny Daniels]

It went... kind of as you'd expect. She's not pleased, but at least she's willing to ruminate on things.

[candice_cain]

This is something that I am constantly working on.
In my opinion it takes a long time because of social norms.
You feel you are expected to act a certain way because that is the norm.
Well this site should show you that there are A LOT of people out there that do what we do.
For whatever reason we like to feel pretty, feminine, attractive.
Do the reasons matter? I don't think they do.
What matters is that you accept yourself.
People who genuinely love you will understand that is is something you need to do.

[DianeT]

I told my wife 36 years into the relationship. It was a huge shock for her. But there was no tipping point. She was accepting immediately, in the sense that, although she was still recovering from the blow (the trauma being more related to the lying than the dressing itself), she immediately tried to make me not feel bad about the dressing itself. I think she gave me a makeup item of hers in the first week. It was an act of love and courage to do this while the smithereens of the reveal where still flying around.
No tipping point, but gradual steps towards more support and acceptance, as we worked through this together, giving me a chance to slowly restore the trust that was broken and reassure her about the fact that I would not leave her for a man or transition, or otherwise change my ways. It takes time, efforts and patience. It also gives. Small and great rewards along the way. My wife joining these forums. Buying me makeup. Advising me for purchases. Getting a parcel for me at the post office when I couldn't. Donating me some of hers. Letting me dress in MIAD in front of her. Letting me keep a few MIAD clothes in our dressing closet. This kind of things. Acts of love and acceptance.

[Aka_Donna]

Have you read the forums for what really happens? The "boiled frog" is not usually acceptance but either a "dead frog" or a "volcanic frog".
Rather than approach it as a battle to be won, think of it more as how can the two of us make small changes so each of us enjoys more the time we have left here.