Have I reached self acceptance, or am I lying to myself

[Snide_lobster]

This past year has been ̶h̶e̶l̶l̶ er challenging for a lot of reasons. Started working full time on my own after college, got thrown out of a relationship I thought could last to the moon and back, spent a year in therapy and "graduated", built up my social life in my new "home", and explored this side of me even more.

On paper, everything should be fantastic, I have the job I wanted out of college and am financially secure, have hobbies and social groups as I started taking ballroom dance lessons, am trying to help start up a post college rowing team, sing in the choir and lead a young adult Bible study at my church, and even participate in a couple volunteering programs too. I wish I could be content with this (and to some extent I feel awful/ungrateful about it) but I'm just not. Even with the above, with intimate friends in multiple social circles, I'm still quite lonely. I miss the companionship I had in my last relationship. And while I've learned a lot; about myself, about relationships, about what healthy and unhealthy engagement looks like (both over and under), this is still a really big struggle for me. On top of frustrations about the modern dating scene, and the perceived lack of availability of women I find desirable (be it age, life goals, general attraction what have you, at least in my geographic vicinity) and with my animosity towards dating apps, should I even be successful in finding someone who I have a genuine connection with and am excited to move forward and explore life with I still have to ask myself, "is it even fair to bring her in"?

While not just due to my crossdressing (but certainly amplified by it), I guess I still feel like an inhomogeneous sampling of the social strata. I don't feel bad about this, I'd even say I like who I am, accept who I am, quirks/oddities/idiosyncrasies and all (I'm athletic but never really fit in with the jocks, I graduated as an engineer but have a strong love for the liberal arts, I'm a nerd but my obsessions feel niche even within that community, I'm deeply religious but have heavy concerns regarding many aspects of mainstream American Christianity, I occasionally go out to the local drag bar although I'm certainly not "out 'n proud", I often present quite stoically but I'm quite the bleeding heart on the inside). I feel somewhat like an oddball in these groups to begin with, and that's without even acknowledging that many of these groups are outwardly antagonistic to each other. Yet I don't think this in itself bothers me, I am comfortable with who I am to the extent that I can maintain access to these various and somewhat contradicting avenues of myself. But at the same time I know that this doesn't sit well with a lot of people, and it shouldn't need to, my self worth is not and should not be dependent upon how others view me! But when it comes to looking for a longtime partner, it scares me.

I know when I meet that next special person in my life I'll need to be honest about my socially transgressive desires before things get "serious" (ideally I'd have that conversation when we both feel committed to something longterm, I've had this convo in the past and will have it in the future). But who really would want to tag along with this, and even if they seem willing to do so, is that something really fair to ask of them? I'm have no problem wearing this hodgepodge Scarlett Letter, but can I bear asking someone to join along beside it? I'm afraid I'll meet a lot of people who will like 60% of me and be repulsed by the remainder, or worse be enamored by most of me but lie about their comfort with all of me only for things to fall apart down the road.

I guess the real question then is, is this a legitimate concern over a future relationship or proof that I'm not as self-accepting as I think I am? Am I being realistic, or is this a festering of my residual insecurities?

I'm honestly not sure what to expect about the answers here, to some extent I think I needed this more as a journal entry than anything, but I'll welcome any and all perspectives and advice from this lovely community.

[Fiona_44]

When it comes to a future life partner, there are two things that would help increase the chance of acceptance by a SO:

1. You need to be able say to yourself that you truly accept your CD/Trans self as being the real you and be honest about it with others. If you are confident with yourself, it will be noticed by others thereby increasing the chances of them being comfortable with you.

2. Wait until after a few dates and, if you think there's a possibility of a longer relationship, then by all means tell your partner. It's much better to do it that way than wait too long. Your being honest with them may count as a positive for some women.

You raise a legitimate concern faced by many single CD's. Living as a trans women definitely makes it more difficult for us ladies to find an SO.

[RoseReve]

Hello,

thanks for your post, thanks to share your story, that is always an act of faith into the power of the others to help you with some well thought words...

If I can help, I would say I recognize myself in this idiosyncrasy you are writing about: maybe it's a common trait to people being torn between two (or more) genders to try to explore in every part of their lives all the options available, and to have the ability to talk and listen to every kind of human existing.
I deeply think that the ambiguity of our situation, sitting permanently and during our entire lives on one of the main frontiers of humanity, is a great school of open-mindedness.

Because of this, I also think, and my experience confirms it, that the people who can really understand you and truly love you have to also be people with an equal open-mindedness, a high acceptance to originality, a born non-stereotypical approach to life, a vast and rich imagination. All in all, very intelligent and sensitive people.

So as you can imagine this kind of people is not so easy to find...That's why, the more original and non-typical you are, the more time you will need to meet the right person(s) for you.

So I think, the main quality to have is patience. And meanwhile, the best thing to do IMO is to try to build the clearest view possible on your life and your desires, with the help of therapy, philosophy, religion, arts, the dialogue with a vast variety of different people. In order to be a person that, whatever his or her oddities are, seems to be at ease with his or her own self.

To resume what I have just written: to try and find happiness and peace with yourself is the best way to attract the people the most able to be good companions for your future...

I hope this doesn't sound too much like cheap Master Yoda 3 000 years old wisdom...:heehee:
And I hope it can help you somehow.

All the best, cheers,

Rose :rose2:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi S L :hugs:, I wish you luck in your Quest to fing Happyness,

I gues I am one of the Lucky ones, Our 61st anniversary is in 3 Months, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Geena75]

You show excellent self-awareness in your post. I suppose I could offer analysis of some of the fascinating things you mentioned, but not really necessary (or particularly welcome for that matter). I can offer some points, though.

1) you are reasonably young. It has been noted that your generation is far more open to the world of cross-dressing than some of the older folks (i.e. 'boomers' like me). You are way more likely to meet someone in the average circles than some older people.

2) it's 2024. Back in the 80's the general perception of cross-dressing was in a film like "Tootsie" where it was a running gag. Today there is wider acceptance and understanding of this 'peculiar pastime.' Not a guarantee by any means, but it isn't the sort of anathema it was when I was young.

So be yourself, please yourself, and accept yourself. You may be surprised at who may want to come along for the ride.

[Genifer Teal]

Ending up alone was a big concern for me when I considered transitoning, so I didn't. Here i am 20 years later, still alone. There were opportunities along the way. Some slipped by. Others I failed to explore.

I appreciate your concern for being alone. Finding someone will be difficult but it can be done. Don't give up hope. Let us know how it goes when you find someone to tell about yourself. That's not easy. I just make sure the meet gen first.

[Marketa]

This is not about you but about your future partner. We know, that CD is quite a hard pill to swallow and it's good you're thinking about it when it's time, because in this case "I'll figure it out" might most likely cause more harm than good and you're thinking what effect will it have on them.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice I could tell you.

[Brynna M]

Lobster,

I'll play at being zen here. If you're still concerned about self acceptance you aren't there yet. And that is not a bad thing. Questioning ourselves is how we grow and it is the work of a lifetime to accept who we are today and still strive to be better tomorrow.

Not feeling like there is a place or mold where you fit is hard and lonely. It does mean you are atypical but it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you are destined for loneliness. I think you have the right attitude of getting the most out of groups and friendships where you partially fit.

As far as relationships I'm in no position to say what's good but I can tell you don't lean into a relationship with someone who doesn't accept thing you aren't willing to compromise on and someone who doesn't actively share and pursues (not just tolerates)your core values or everyday will be a challenge. It seems like you've already got a good concept of who you are. That's a great start.

There is no one who hasn't been anxious about their future at some point. you seem smart a reflective. You'll find a path that suits you.

[Jane G]

What can I say that will help you?? I'm an engineer, I love all forms of dance, I have many folk whose company I enjoy socially. I'm undoubtedly trans.

Yet I need the relationship/company of my SO more than any of that. We are all different. We each have our own needs. Those are always a trade against the needs of others around us.

So it's simple really. Are your needs/desires greater/more important to you, than those around you. If they are, there is nothing bad about that. We each have to lead the best, most productive life we can.

[Shelli]

You have articulated concerns that so many of us experience quite regularly; whether or not we are trans, crossdressers, cis, etc, we all seek acceptance and, hopefully, a deeper connection with one special person who will hold our hand as we navigate the complexities of life. You are asking important questions at a young age and that will serve you well over time. Your acceptance of yourself for who you are is the first step. I hope you are encouraged by so many of the gurls here who routinely mention the support of their SOs in their postings. I read so many positive stories, often with envy! So, while us gurls are a fairly small slice of the population, there is someone for everybody and your SO awaits you. Keep being positive and keep your eyes open!
xo
Shelli

[CynthiaD]

Just some observations:
As others have said here in some fashion, you can't expect others to love you if you don't love yourself.
Crossdressing is not a weakness, it is an incredible strength.
Relationships with other people depend mostly on your feelings toward them. Don't waste your time worrying about how they feel about you. When you encounter someone you know, are you genuinely happy to see them? Let them know. You do this quietly by acting happy, by being interested about what is going on in their lives, by sharing in their joys and sorrows, by letting them know you're on their side. If your feelings are genuine, they will be reciprocated. Make friends with as many people as you can from all walks of life, even if they are very different from you. You never have enough friends.

[Aroara Xanthemae]

I wonder how many love connections are missed because one person or both were to shy to say something or talk to another.
True love is out there I am lucky to have found it and I know you can too just don?t be afraid to talk to someone that catches your interest

[candice_cain]

Thank you for sharing your story.
WOW! There is a lot of good advice here.
I guess I'm very lucky as my wife of 10 years know all about my dressing.
It's taken me a LONG time to accept who I am and not be ashamed of it. (I'm actually still working on that)
If you can't accept yourself no one else will.
Confusion about my sexuality is another story, the key is to talk about it as hard as that is.
Communication and honesty.