Now she knows

[TamT]

For the last year, I've been going to work crossdressed, initially using female jeans, then added a blouse under a male sweater, then changed to discrete female sweaters. At some point, I talked to the boss an explained my situation: being in a strict DADT relation I cannot dress at home. He understood as well as the whole team. Since then, I begun to go without male clothes, but also without make up or a wig. Skirts and dresses were not allowed.

As I cannot leave home dressed (my SO is always there), I go to our store room in the basement of the building, where I have boxes of clothes and stuff, and change my male clothes to some nice female outfit according to the week day, the wheather or whatever... Male clothes are kept in that place, so no chance to change my clothes before returning home.

During the last months, the outfits went from discrete to obvously female ones, colorful, with flowers or other tipically female patterns. I also added a soft lipstick and light eyeshadow. Accesories like a female watch, bracelets and necklaces are also usual by now.

When I return to home, I go to the basement and change my clothes and remove the makeup before I go to the appartment.

Few weeks ago, when I returned from work, I took the elevator and went down to the basement, but when I got out of the elevator, I found that there was activity there: it was my SO that was searching for some stuff in her boxes. I couldn't run away as she realized that it was me. I just stayed calm and offered my help in her search.

She was obviously upset, and she asked me if I was going to work dressed like a woman. I nodded. Then she asked what the people at work say about it. "Nothing, it's OK" I replied. Without looking at me, she finished her search many minutes later, commenting about her findings, and then took all that stuff and returned to the appartment, leaving me alone to change my clothes and to put everything back in its place.

When I retuned to the appartment, she said nothing, but later, while talking with one of my sons, she said that she had a big disappointment that day. My son requested for more information in order to help her, but she said nothing.

Since that day, I know that she knows that I change my clothes every morning and when I arrive late it's because I'm changing back. As I really don't use male clothes on weekdays, she has less clothes for laundry, and she does not complain about it. But I'm sure that when she could, she will say a sarcastic comment about this to someone else while I'm present. That is the way she vents he anger.

[Marketa]

Traditional passive aggressive behavior. I know that from the receiving side and I'm sorry I can't help you nor give you an advice.

[Genifer Teal]

This is a big thing, and you didn't include her. Yes, she doesn't wanna know, she' probably doesn't want you doing it at all. The don't ask, don't tell is more that she doesn't want anyone to know about it. Now, you're putting the entire financial stability of the family (sorry maybe she works too) at risk by dressing at work.

Since she's not okay with it, she's going to assume the majority of people aren't okay with it. If the don't ask don't tell thing wasn't working for you, you should've discussed it with her. I can imagine you explaining to her how you know she didn't want to see this, so you brought it to work instead and thought that was ok.

I say this like it's easy to talk to her about it, I know it's not. It is easy to see where she's coming from. How to deal with it? I wish you luck.

[alwayshave]

Tam definitely time to have a talk with your wife.

[GretchenM]

You can just let this continue as it is and do nothing, but you are likely going to be sorry. She knows now and this knowledge is festering in her brain and who knows what she is thinking. Discovering this secret is hurting her and as her mate first it is your responsibility to help her to overcome the hurt she feels. The balloon will grow in time and when it pops it will likely be bad.

So, it is time to have a talk with her and explain that you have this need to express as a woman because in a sense you seem to be partly a woman. Assure her there is no problem at work and acceptance there. You two might need to visit a couples counselor to reconcile and set up some rules and procedures that allow both of you to be comfortable.

Just a hint of a possible thing she is thinking. It is absolutely amazing how many people who are intolerant of crossdressing and gender variance as well as uninformed about the behavior, think that the person is gay and in a marriage that can be a huge problem. But more often than not the person is not even close to being gay - but they do have a gender that involves a lot of "other gender" behaviors and thinking patterns. In most people that is normal although not a strong characteristic. In some that is quite strong and it results in gender variance that cries out for resolution in your outward expression. We all exist at unique and changeable positions on a long scale called the gender spectrum. It appears to be a normal variation in humans and is more common than most think. But you need to resolve conflicts with other views of human gender and that requires a lot of talking.

[Dutchess]

This just really REALLY really reads like a sissy/ dresser humiliation short story that some of my clients send me to read to act out with them.
I can't be the only one that sees this. Before the pitchforks for the woman come out. Etc.

In case it's not though Gennifer hit the nail on the head because the reason I'm still working extremely hard at 62 and will be for life is because of my ex spouses dressing issues almost identical to yours.
You can imagine the resentment.

[CarlaWestin]

Yup, Gennifer 'splained it all perfectly. Tam, I would be very suspicious if wifey became tolerant and a bit curious and wanted to play along and maybe get a picture or two.

[docrobbysherry]

If you're hiding your dressing from your SO it's just a matter of time until you're caught!:doh:

And, the result of your hiding, lying, and cheating behind her back is often more damaging than your dressing!:eek:

[DianeT]

Relations are based on trust. You lied to your wife. She's angry at you since she can't trust you. You need to talk with her and stop the lies.

[char GG]

Just my opinion, but it is probably best that she hears your version of how you feel about CDing, rather than look it up on the internet where she will hear everyone BUT your version. The information she may discover could hurt your cause rather than help it. And believe me, she is already researching on her own.

Also, explain to her about the secrecy and hiding. The sooner that you have a talk, the better.

[Brynna M]

Tam,
I get the idea that some people even people we love are unwilling or emotionally unable to have difficult but productive conversations and make compromises.(that cuts both ways by the way) I get meeting your needs on your own with out involving someone who would only shut you down. Sometimes that's the best of bad options. But the bad option of hiding something big daily and socially fraught is done. You're stuck with hard conversations, and the possibility of every thing you feared coming true. There is no getting around that now. Maybe you'll find that your wife given time and honesty is more compromising and understanding that you thought.

[Linda Stockings]

This just really REALLY really reads like a sissy/ dresser humiliation short story that some of my clients send me to read to act out with them.
I can't be the only one that sees this. Before the pitchforks for the woman come out. Etc.

You're not the only one seeing that, Dutchess. I thought I had stumbled into the Writer's Society section of the forum.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi TamT, You are officialy BUSTED,