RoseReve
10-23-2024, 12:21 PM
Dear beloved ones,
I'm writing to tell you about what happened to me lately. In fact you are kind of the only people I can share this with...And I need to share this. Because it's part of my life, it's so important to me. And I will appreciate to have your feedback, whatever it is. Maybe just to know that I am not alone into this...
So recently, due to several intimate facts, I realized that I truly am a trans woman.
Five years ago, after five years of soul searching, not knowing exactly what I was as regards the topic of gender, I had decided to stop asking me questions and to live my life without minding.
But I wanted to continue the psychoanalysis I was into, because it was producing good results, and there where still some problems I had to work on: a feeling of trauma I couldn't just ignore, and frequent headaches which origin my physician couldn't pinpoint and which he couldn't help me cure or a least calm.
During my analysis, event though gender was not the main topic, there were frequents dreams about me being a woman, under different forms, suggesting that there was something deep about my relation to femininity. And lately, I understood that my trauma was from the early age the biological and social forbiddance of being a woman, and that the headaches were due to my inner masculine hormones (when in contact with feminine hormones, the headaches instantly disappeared).
So I had to face the truth. And I'm pretty happier with myself since. That's it. It took me 52 years to figure out, but a least I know who I am and I know why I didn't feel like I really was myself before, even if I had tried very hard all these years!!!
So I had to tell the three persons who are the closest to me, who share my life everyday: the woman I am married to, and our two sons. I no longer could bear to carry such a secret, and the fact that I was playing a male role with them, that I was stuck in this role. Not telling them was truly living in a lie.
Ten years ago, when cross dressing came back to my life after 30 years, I had begun to see a counselor specialized into transgenderism, and with him I had succeded to come to a way of speaking to my SO and our boys: I said to them (first her, then the elder boy, then the younger) that I felt "more like a girl than a boy". This was the first coming out.
It went quite well. She said that she had been knowing it for long. And they said that they didnt bother, that I had to live my life as I pleased. They were 10 and 8 at that time!!! I must say the maturity of their reaction amazed me...
This time, ten years after, I had to keep them updated. Because, what seemed to be a kind of oddity at that time, is as I see it now with a serene conscience, a real psychological condition which I can do nothing to change. I was born like that, and I will keep being like that all my life.
So I waited for the right time to first tell my beloved, the one who helped me do as if I had no problem with being a man, like Jennifer Finney Boylan explains so well in her book She's not there...When I told her that I was actually really a trans woman, she first had a nervous laughter, and so did I. It helped put the mood in a non-too-dramatic level. Then I explained to her why now I'm sure of it, how I figured out, what it can explain in my behaviour in many situations. She told me she had noticed a change in my attitude, that I was more relaxed lately, that I had lost weight and how it made my body more feminine...
She said the situation was not easy for her, but we have been living together like a pair of good friends for years, focusing on giving the best of educations and life perspectives to our children. So their was no change about this.
But as I proposed that she meets a more feminized version of Rose, she said she was not at ease with this. So there will be no complicity between us on this for the time being. That is sad, but I can't force her to witness how I spend my days when nobody is at home.
Since this conversation, which happened last Saturday evening, things have been smooth. At least we are at peace on this subject. She knows I've come back to leaving as a woman most of the time when she is not there. She can understand why I shave and epilate. She is already accustomed to seeing my woman underwear, panties and pantyhose. So we live our lives as two women united by a common view about most of the things in our lives. I love her and she at least likes me.
Then I had yesterday a very good talk with my youngest boy, who is now 18. As I explained it to him, he said I will always be his dad and he will always love me. He understands that it's not easy to be what society asks for a man to be, and sometimes, even if he feels like a guy, he can be more at ease with girls than with some boys. This because he is a very philosophical mind, and also sensitive. Even if he is 6?5 and a very solid basketball player!!!
Now I will have to talk to his elder brother. But I'm sure there will be no difficulties, as he is also very smart.
So why do I tell you about all this?
Well, I feel relieved because I have finally understood what's up in my mind. And I no longer live in a lie with the people I care the most for. As for the other family members, the relation is not so close, even with my brother and mother, which I always felt never really understood and accepted who I am. And I don't think telling them frankly like I did with my spouse and children could change that.
So I'm kind of alone with my bizarre being, at least living with people who know, and sharing my experiences with other people like you all who can understand what my life is made of.
Lately I wondered where this all will lead me. In fact not very far. I have found solutions to lower my gender dysphoria and the headaches provoked by male hormones, so I'm kind of peaceful with myself. I don't really need to out myself in a very girl-like way, at least there is something slightly feminine about my look for those who can see it. And I have achieved through the years to get a job which artistic aspects allow my sensibility to live and be valued.
For now I don't feel I can enter a real gender transition because of several strong body limits: I have a severe baldness which is very difficult to change, and I'm rather tall. So it would mean wearing a wig full time and I would still be very easy to spot among other girls because I'm so much above the average height. I'm not mentally strong enough to live like this everyday...
So I have decided to live the most peaceful life possible, and keep being open to everything good the future will send to me.
All the best, thanks for reading this if you have, sorry for the long post,
Rose :rose2:
I'm writing to tell you about what happened to me lately. In fact you are kind of the only people I can share this with...And I need to share this. Because it's part of my life, it's so important to me. And I will appreciate to have your feedback, whatever it is. Maybe just to know that I am not alone into this...
So recently, due to several intimate facts, I realized that I truly am a trans woman.
Five years ago, after five years of soul searching, not knowing exactly what I was as regards the topic of gender, I had decided to stop asking me questions and to live my life without minding.
But I wanted to continue the psychoanalysis I was into, because it was producing good results, and there where still some problems I had to work on: a feeling of trauma I couldn't just ignore, and frequent headaches which origin my physician couldn't pinpoint and which he couldn't help me cure or a least calm.
During my analysis, event though gender was not the main topic, there were frequents dreams about me being a woman, under different forms, suggesting that there was something deep about my relation to femininity. And lately, I understood that my trauma was from the early age the biological and social forbiddance of being a woman, and that the headaches were due to my inner masculine hormones (when in contact with feminine hormones, the headaches instantly disappeared).
So I had to face the truth. And I'm pretty happier with myself since. That's it. It took me 52 years to figure out, but a least I know who I am and I know why I didn't feel like I really was myself before, even if I had tried very hard all these years!!!
So I had to tell the three persons who are the closest to me, who share my life everyday: the woman I am married to, and our two sons. I no longer could bear to carry such a secret, and the fact that I was playing a male role with them, that I was stuck in this role. Not telling them was truly living in a lie.
Ten years ago, when cross dressing came back to my life after 30 years, I had begun to see a counselor specialized into transgenderism, and with him I had succeded to come to a way of speaking to my SO and our boys: I said to them (first her, then the elder boy, then the younger) that I felt "more like a girl than a boy". This was the first coming out.
It went quite well. She said that she had been knowing it for long. And they said that they didnt bother, that I had to live my life as I pleased. They were 10 and 8 at that time!!! I must say the maturity of their reaction amazed me...
This time, ten years after, I had to keep them updated. Because, what seemed to be a kind of oddity at that time, is as I see it now with a serene conscience, a real psychological condition which I can do nothing to change. I was born like that, and I will keep being like that all my life.
So I waited for the right time to first tell my beloved, the one who helped me do as if I had no problem with being a man, like Jennifer Finney Boylan explains so well in her book She's not there...When I told her that I was actually really a trans woman, she first had a nervous laughter, and so did I. It helped put the mood in a non-too-dramatic level. Then I explained to her why now I'm sure of it, how I figured out, what it can explain in my behaviour in many situations. She told me she had noticed a change in my attitude, that I was more relaxed lately, that I had lost weight and how it made my body more feminine...
She said the situation was not easy for her, but we have been living together like a pair of good friends for years, focusing on giving the best of educations and life perspectives to our children. So their was no change about this.
But as I proposed that she meets a more feminized version of Rose, she said she was not at ease with this. So there will be no complicity between us on this for the time being. That is sad, but I can't force her to witness how I spend my days when nobody is at home.
Since this conversation, which happened last Saturday evening, things have been smooth. At least we are at peace on this subject. She knows I've come back to leaving as a woman most of the time when she is not there. She can understand why I shave and epilate. She is already accustomed to seeing my woman underwear, panties and pantyhose. So we live our lives as two women united by a common view about most of the things in our lives. I love her and she at least likes me.
Then I had yesterday a very good talk with my youngest boy, who is now 18. As I explained it to him, he said I will always be his dad and he will always love me. He understands that it's not easy to be what society asks for a man to be, and sometimes, even if he feels like a guy, he can be more at ease with girls than with some boys. This because he is a very philosophical mind, and also sensitive. Even if he is 6?5 and a very solid basketball player!!!
Now I will have to talk to his elder brother. But I'm sure there will be no difficulties, as he is also very smart.
So why do I tell you about all this?
Well, I feel relieved because I have finally understood what's up in my mind. And I no longer live in a lie with the people I care the most for. As for the other family members, the relation is not so close, even with my brother and mother, which I always felt never really understood and accepted who I am. And I don't think telling them frankly like I did with my spouse and children could change that.
So I'm kind of alone with my bizarre being, at least living with people who know, and sharing my experiences with other people like you all who can understand what my life is made of.
Lately I wondered where this all will lead me. In fact not very far. I have found solutions to lower my gender dysphoria and the headaches provoked by male hormones, so I'm kind of peaceful with myself. I don't really need to out myself in a very girl-like way, at least there is something slightly feminine about my look for those who can see it. And I have achieved through the years to get a job which artistic aspects allow my sensibility to live and be valued.
For now I don't feel I can enter a real gender transition because of several strong body limits: I have a severe baldness which is very difficult to change, and I'm rather tall. So it would mean wearing a wig full time and I would still be very easy to spot among other girls because I'm so much above the average height. I'm not mentally strong enough to live like this everyday...
So I have decided to live the most peaceful life possible, and keep being open to everything good the future will send to me.
All the best, thanks for reading this if you have, sorry for the long post,
Rose :rose2: