Marketa
10-25-2024, 02:20 AM
I checked it and 25/4 (I'm sorry, Americans) I ordered my first femme things, so I count it as a start of my CD journey and I decided to make six months wrap up.
TLDR: my life got better, bank account got worse.
As I mentioned several times creating me, Marketa, as a persona was a way to cope with severe depression and it's working quite well. Now I dress basically every day even if just for a few hours after work and during most weekends I shave and put make-up on in the morning, so I can be me the whole day. And before you know it the depression got much better, suicidal thoughts are almost non-existent for some time and through the love of myself I'm re-learning to love my male-self and his life. It's a bit schizophrenic, but as the saying goes: if it's stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid. Also weak schizophrenia is probably better than strong suicide.
In the last six months I learned quite a lot about women's fashion, style and cosmetics. I also started to appreciate nice outfits and scents. I even started using body lotion after shower, because it smells lovely (vanilla with cocoa or something like that) and I realized two months ago I don't have a single men's shower gel anymore. I'm currently using Dermacol Macadamia Truffle shower gel (can't recommend it enough) and Coconut shampoo. I don't care if others can smell it even in my drab mode. I smell amazing and I love it! And in the worst-case scenario if somebody points it out I would just say, that it's my way of aromatherapy. From the beginning it was quite a spending spree, so to control it I started using my male's secondary account as Marketa's account and now I've got monthly allowance. I also transferred the Visa from that account into my Google Wallet (I've got Marketa gmail), so I don't have to be afraid others will see my legal name on the card.
Next I found out I'm big sucker for shoes, especially different kinds of pumps. I mean yeah, the dress are nice and pleasant to have on, feeling skirt slide on my legs makes me smile and it feels good and leggings are so comfy, but SHOES. Do you remember Monty Jack from Rescue Rangers when he smelled cheese? That's me with nice shoes. Tbh when I'm passing by my shoe rack at home I sometimes say "Hi girls" to them.
I also love my female shape, especially with my hip-pads on. I LOVE THOSE CURVES! I never had problem with not having strong masculine features, I never cared, but since I started CD I adore it, I made an asset from it and when I go out in public en femme I take full advantage of it and I especially enhance my long legs. And recently I noticed that with hip pads on when I'm listening to a music at home I often stand in front of a mirror and dance. I've never done that in my entire life before. Then I found out how beautiful eyes I've got. Without being braggy just with eyeliner and mascara they are beautiful and when I get eye-shadows right, I could easily get lost in them. I think few GGs I know would be envious if they saw me with good eye make-up. I'm currently learning smokey shadows, but for now it still looks more like a blackeye, but getting there. And CD made me finally wax my hands and arms. I don't like for couple of years already, that they are almost like a chimpanzee arms when they get out of sleeve of a nice suit or shirt and because I wanted to go out en femme and blend in as a woman as much as possible I decided to finally wax them and I was never happier with them. Well, when they finally weren't swollen and red from the waxing.
Speaking of going out en femme: at the beginning of June I still thought I'll be able to go out in October/November, after dark and from a hotel, I'll have to pay room in, so I won't go from my home. Lo and behold at the very beginning of July I went out fully en femme in a dress with white top and blue mid skirt and in pumps, in full daylight shortly after noon, right out of my apartment and I had a blast. After like 15-20 minutes I was calm and confident, so I even went to a stall and bought an ice cream and I was enjoying it to the fullest (the outing as well as the ice cream. It was delicious).
Then two or three days later again fully en femme in an outfit I wanted to try in the wild (beige trousers with light pink jacket) I drove my car in 8,5cm/3,5in heels to go grocery shopping to a supermarket. I love the feeling of driving in high heels and having seatbelt between my boobs. And in the supermarket I just minded my own business, was just another woman and bought all I needed with few things I didn't. Only the cashier lady at self-checks made me somehow nervous, but there was no incident whatsoever.
The next going out was at the beginning of August. I went to a mall in the center of the Prague, I strolled it and I even went to some clothing shops to look what they have there. When I was in H&M they had a type of skirt I was looking for and on a rack next to it was a beautiful white top. I wasn't planning it, I didn't count with it, but I had a pink fog moment and had to go and try them. I wasn't thinking on anything else than trying them to know how I will look in them. I looked gorgeous so I bought both pieces. After I was out of the shop I came back to my senses and realized what I just did and I was like "Holy sh*t, I can do that?!" I thought I will never be able to buy female clothes en femme in brick and mortar shop and all of a sudden I was holding a paper bag with my purchase! And it all went smooth.
Three weeks later I wasn't planning to go out, but it was hot, so I put on dress and also full make-up to have a nice day and when I saw myself in my standing mirror, I had irresistible urge to go out. Inside of my whole body it screamed "I want to go out!" So I put on nails and did some detailing and went to a nearby mall by bus. This whole little trip took about 1,5 hour to fulfill my need and make me happy. In drab mode I hate to go out just because, but as Marketa - I don't know, it's natural to me going out and I'm enjoying it.
Three weeks ago I went to a venue about female beauty (cosmetics, hair products, lasers, all the jazz) where I even briefly talked with some stall keepers I was buying products from and I was addressed as a woman the whole time. And when I was leaving I passed by a friend of my male-self. We were walking in opposite ways and had uninterrupted view at each other for about 10m/30ft, I passed by him, literally next to him and he didn't give me single thought. That felt great that for him I was just some random woman. He was there with his wife and child, just to clarify he wasn't hiding.
This Tuesday I attended opera. I was in long navy-blue evening gown and I had a blast especially when my leg got out through the split when walking. I felt fabulous and it felt so great being like that in public and then watching a play. From the evening I enjoyed the dress the most. It feels great wearing such a robe instead of a suit, which I realized feels so tight and suffocating even without a tie, but in dress I felt free and elegant at the same time. No wonder men don't like wearing suits. And honestly if I was a GG, I would probably start wearing evening gowns from time to time to work and similar, because I looked and felt like a princess in them and I loved it and nobody could stop me!
And on Wednesday I went to a mall to buy several things from several shops incl. cosmetics and I intentionally talked with SAs there and at the end it was far far better and more pleasant experience than I anticipated. Also as I walked through the mall, sometimes when I looked "over the shoulder" or in some reflective surface I noticed that some men even turned their heads back at me when they passed by me. That was confidence booster as heck and I felt sexy like never before.
CD had an effect on my life at home too. It's easier for me to start and do chores en femme than in drab mode. I work out only en femme since June (even though last month I stopped again - I have to get back into it). During the months I also realized I love walking in high heels. After like two or three days without it I genuinely miss it and then I have to put my pumps on and walk in them at least at home, just for the feeling. And I noticed few weeks ago, that when I'm reaching for something low in drab mode, I simply bend over and "let the full moon shine", but as Marketa it's knees together and squat even if I wear leggings or sweatpants. I don't even know when and how I started doing it.
So as you can see, I really enjoy my CD journey. It's bringing me a lot of joy and happiness, slowly but steadily cures the depression better than therapy probably would and only thing I really miss is a good IRL GG friend I could go shopping with and for coffee and talk about girly stuff. But I hope I'll make some soon, I just have to figure out how.
And my message for you girls, who would love to have adventures like me and many others here, but are afraid to go out, don't be. If you don't live in some prudent area or small town where everyone knows everyone, doll up, take a deep breath and go, conquer the world. Because the ugly truth is, that people don't give a f*ck. Just carry your head high and be proud of yourself. You will see, that after 15-20 minutes business-as-usual part of brain will kick in and you'll go with your day. And I'm saying that as 1,87m/6'2 who wears 7,5-10cm/3-4in high heels and 99,58% looks I get are 2 seconds "Wow, she's tall...and in heels" and then people mind their own business again.
Thank you for all your support, advice and presence in my journey. And that you read this to this point. I wouldn't make it without you.
I love you girls.
TLDR: my life got better, bank account got worse.
As I mentioned several times creating me, Marketa, as a persona was a way to cope with severe depression and it's working quite well. Now I dress basically every day even if just for a few hours after work and during most weekends I shave and put make-up on in the morning, so I can be me the whole day. And before you know it the depression got much better, suicidal thoughts are almost non-existent for some time and through the love of myself I'm re-learning to love my male-self and his life. It's a bit schizophrenic, but as the saying goes: if it's stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid. Also weak schizophrenia is probably better than strong suicide.
In the last six months I learned quite a lot about women's fashion, style and cosmetics. I also started to appreciate nice outfits and scents. I even started using body lotion after shower, because it smells lovely (vanilla with cocoa or something like that) and I realized two months ago I don't have a single men's shower gel anymore. I'm currently using Dermacol Macadamia Truffle shower gel (can't recommend it enough) and Coconut shampoo. I don't care if others can smell it even in my drab mode. I smell amazing and I love it! And in the worst-case scenario if somebody points it out I would just say, that it's my way of aromatherapy. From the beginning it was quite a spending spree, so to control it I started using my male's secondary account as Marketa's account and now I've got monthly allowance. I also transferred the Visa from that account into my Google Wallet (I've got Marketa gmail), so I don't have to be afraid others will see my legal name on the card.
Next I found out I'm big sucker for shoes, especially different kinds of pumps. I mean yeah, the dress are nice and pleasant to have on, feeling skirt slide on my legs makes me smile and it feels good and leggings are so comfy, but SHOES. Do you remember Monty Jack from Rescue Rangers when he smelled cheese? That's me with nice shoes. Tbh when I'm passing by my shoe rack at home I sometimes say "Hi girls" to them.
I also love my female shape, especially with my hip-pads on. I LOVE THOSE CURVES! I never had problem with not having strong masculine features, I never cared, but since I started CD I adore it, I made an asset from it and when I go out in public en femme I take full advantage of it and I especially enhance my long legs. And recently I noticed that with hip pads on when I'm listening to a music at home I often stand in front of a mirror and dance. I've never done that in my entire life before. Then I found out how beautiful eyes I've got. Without being braggy just with eyeliner and mascara they are beautiful and when I get eye-shadows right, I could easily get lost in them. I think few GGs I know would be envious if they saw me with good eye make-up. I'm currently learning smokey shadows, but for now it still looks more like a blackeye, but getting there. And CD made me finally wax my hands and arms. I don't like for couple of years already, that they are almost like a chimpanzee arms when they get out of sleeve of a nice suit or shirt and because I wanted to go out en femme and blend in as a woman as much as possible I decided to finally wax them and I was never happier with them. Well, when they finally weren't swollen and red from the waxing.
Speaking of going out en femme: at the beginning of June I still thought I'll be able to go out in October/November, after dark and from a hotel, I'll have to pay room in, so I won't go from my home. Lo and behold at the very beginning of July I went out fully en femme in a dress with white top and blue mid skirt and in pumps, in full daylight shortly after noon, right out of my apartment and I had a blast. After like 15-20 minutes I was calm and confident, so I even went to a stall and bought an ice cream and I was enjoying it to the fullest (the outing as well as the ice cream. It was delicious).
Then two or three days later again fully en femme in an outfit I wanted to try in the wild (beige trousers with light pink jacket) I drove my car in 8,5cm/3,5in heels to go grocery shopping to a supermarket. I love the feeling of driving in high heels and having seatbelt between my boobs. And in the supermarket I just minded my own business, was just another woman and bought all I needed with few things I didn't. Only the cashier lady at self-checks made me somehow nervous, but there was no incident whatsoever.
The next going out was at the beginning of August. I went to a mall in the center of the Prague, I strolled it and I even went to some clothing shops to look what they have there. When I was in H&M they had a type of skirt I was looking for and on a rack next to it was a beautiful white top. I wasn't planning it, I didn't count with it, but I had a pink fog moment and had to go and try them. I wasn't thinking on anything else than trying them to know how I will look in them. I looked gorgeous so I bought both pieces. After I was out of the shop I came back to my senses and realized what I just did and I was like "Holy sh*t, I can do that?!" I thought I will never be able to buy female clothes en femme in brick and mortar shop and all of a sudden I was holding a paper bag with my purchase! And it all went smooth.
Three weeks later I wasn't planning to go out, but it was hot, so I put on dress and also full make-up to have a nice day and when I saw myself in my standing mirror, I had irresistible urge to go out. Inside of my whole body it screamed "I want to go out!" So I put on nails and did some detailing and went to a nearby mall by bus. This whole little trip took about 1,5 hour to fulfill my need and make me happy. In drab mode I hate to go out just because, but as Marketa - I don't know, it's natural to me going out and I'm enjoying it.
Three weeks ago I went to a venue about female beauty (cosmetics, hair products, lasers, all the jazz) where I even briefly talked with some stall keepers I was buying products from and I was addressed as a woman the whole time. And when I was leaving I passed by a friend of my male-self. We were walking in opposite ways and had uninterrupted view at each other for about 10m/30ft, I passed by him, literally next to him and he didn't give me single thought. That felt great that for him I was just some random woman. He was there with his wife and child, just to clarify he wasn't hiding.
This Tuesday I attended opera. I was in long navy-blue evening gown and I had a blast especially when my leg got out through the split when walking. I felt fabulous and it felt so great being like that in public and then watching a play. From the evening I enjoyed the dress the most. It feels great wearing such a robe instead of a suit, which I realized feels so tight and suffocating even without a tie, but in dress I felt free and elegant at the same time. No wonder men don't like wearing suits. And honestly if I was a GG, I would probably start wearing evening gowns from time to time to work and similar, because I looked and felt like a princess in them and I loved it and nobody could stop me!
And on Wednesday I went to a mall to buy several things from several shops incl. cosmetics and I intentionally talked with SAs there and at the end it was far far better and more pleasant experience than I anticipated. Also as I walked through the mall, sometimes when I looked "over the shoulder" or in some reflective surface I noticed that some men even turned their heads back at me when they passed by me. That was confidence booster as heck and I felt sexy like never before.
CD had an effect on my life at home too. It's easier for me to start and do chores en femme than in drab mode. I work out only en femme since June (even though last month I stopped again - I have to get back into it). During the months I also realized I love walking in high heels. After like two or three days without it I genuinely miss it and then I have to put my pumps on and walk in them at least at home, just for the feeling. And I noticed few weeks ago, that when I'm reaching for something low in drab mode, I simply bend over and "let the full moon shine", but as Marketa it's knees together and squat even if I wear leggings or sweatpants. I don't even know when and how I started doing it.
So as you can see, I really enjoy my CD journey. It's bringing me a lot of joy and happiness, slowly but steadily cures the depression better than therapy probably would and only thing I really miss is a good IRL GG friend I could go shopping with and for coffee and talk about girly stuff. But I hope I'll make some soon, I just have to figure out how.
And my message for you girls, who would love to have adventures like me and many others here, but are afraid to go out, don't be. If you don't live in some prudent area or small town where everyone knows everyone, doll up, take a deep breath and go, conquer the world. Because the ugly truth is, that people don't give a f*ck. Just carry your head high and be proud of yourself. You will see, that after 15-20 minutes business-as-usual part of brain will kick in and you'll go with your day. And I'm saying that as 1,87m/6'2 who wears 7,5-10cm/3-4in high heels and 99,58% looks I get are 2 seconds "Wow, she's tall...and in heels" and then people mind their own business again.
Thank you for all your support, advice and presence in my journey. And that you read this to this point. I wouldn't make it without you.
I love you girls.