Not going out by choice

[DianeT]

A recent thread was asking members not going out their reasons for it, and I thought at first it was a great idea to let people who don't really flood the forums with their type of experience to finally share it, and their reasons to stay home. But sadly it quickly turned into one more going-out advocacy thread, with people explaining that the sole reason to not go out is fear of doing so. I suppose that since the people in question go out, it means they overcame that fear and somehow feel it is their duty to educate the non-enlightened rest of the tribe.
But as it turns out, some in the rest of the tribe may say thanks, but no, thanks. And I'd like for once these members that don't go out by choice to have some space to explain their point of view without the pressure of members advocating the other way.

So this thread is for members who deliberately want to keep it private ONLY to answer.

I'll go first as is customary: my dressing is a personal experience. I dress myself as a woman, look at my presentation and enjoy the magic of the transformation. I listen to the sensations, and to the astonishing feelings that the blurring of lines generates. I don't need or want anyone else in this experience. My wife offered me to do it in MIAD mode with her seeing me, and even sharing MIAD with my wife was difficult. I don't need to be seen, I don't need validation. Like I said before, when I immerse myself in a good book, I do it alone. Same goes for immersing myself in the universe of dressing. And if I want to go out, it's easy. I put back my male clothes and go see my family and friends as my real me, in the real world, not as some fantasy that only makes sense to me and my imagination.

It doesn't mean I may not change my mind one day about going out. People can change their mind and may evolve in different ways. But it's important to accept that everyone is different, and despite what some may believe, not going out can be as simple as not needing to.

If you are a no-goer by choice too, let us hear from you!

[Geena75]

To go out or not to go out -- that seems a running notion in the forum.

I think we make too much out of the whole thing. To dress up, at whatever level we like, is the biggest hurdle. Once that is accomplished and we find a comfortable level of self-acceptance everything else is minor. If someone feels fulfilled and is enjoying themselves that is wonderful and enough. I know of several CD's who never leave home just because they don't feel comfortable doing so and are satisfied. That is great! Some of us have taken the step of going out in public and are comfortable doing it. That is equally great.

There is a lot of advocacy for going out, but I think it is aimed at those who want to but feel they just cannot do so for whatever reason. It isn't a matter of pushing those who are unwilling but encouraging those who wish they could. Remember, it's about what makes you feel good.

[DanielleDubois]

Officially count me as one who is perfectly content for Danielle to be a stay at home girl. I replied the same in the other post asking for reasons why some of us don't go out in public.

I know it is important and enjoyable on many levels for many crossdressers to be out in public but I have always been perfectly content to confine my crossdressing to my home. Close CD friends and members have told me if I started I could find going out to be addictive but for me it is still a hard no. I have also been politely encouraged I should be out and about but truthfully for me personally there is nothing in it for me. I have never been offended by the encouragement but I have become upset when someone tells me I am in denial of my true self. My true self is my male side where I happily exist 99% of the time but there is a small part of me who enjoys becoming temporarily pretty the other 1%.

I have explained before the exception to being in public would be to attend a CD event in a hotel but that would be to meet other crossdressers in person and not for the fact I would kind of be out in public.

[DianeT]

Since it seems difficult to respect the rules of this thread, then let's have this discussion.

[Content removed since this was a reply to a post since deleted]


There is a lot of advocacy for going out, but I think it is aimed at those who want to but feel they just cannot do so for whatever reason. It isn't a matter of pushing those who are unwilling but encouraging those who wish they could.
Thanks for the words of understanding Geena, but I disagree with you on this particular point. When some members keep insisting that fear is the reason, dismissing members stating otherwise, then, yes, this is indeed pushing it, because the idea behind that is that all non-goers secretly want to go out and you have a mission to nudge them. Since I didn't feel heard any bit in a recent thread, I created this one so people who feel like me can feel like they will be listened to here. I think nobody is at ease going out, at first at least. But that's irrelevant to those who don't want to go out to begin with. If you don't want to do something, whether it's frightful for you or not is irrelevant. I am afraid of sticking my finger in a hydraulic press, but since I don't want it anyway, fear isn't the reason I'm not doing it. Lack of interest is.
Dismissing what some members like me say about that lack of interest and sticking to the fear argument no matter what is disrespectful and biased. Disrespectful because you are basically telling these members that they are in denial, and you know better than themselves what's good for them. And biased because you are thinking that if something is good for you then it applies to everyone else. I will repeat what others have said in these forums, it's not the place where you would expect to have to explain that we have to accept difference.
As a non-goer, I accept the difference and the fact that some people wish to go out.
Now let's suppose I do otherwise. Let's suppose I decide that what's good for me is good for everyone. I'll create threads where I advocate keeping the dressing private. I'll decide if people go out, it must be for bad reasons. I'll tell them I'm willing to help them quit and if they don't, I'll tell them it's because of these bad reasons no matter what they say. I don't think people going out would appreciate this lobbying. Well, that's what I experience when people tell me I should go out after I've just explained that I don't wish to.

[char GG]

Mod notice:

I don't think that it's too much to ask - to stick to the OP's original question:

So this thread is for members who deliberately want "to not go out by choice" ONLY to answer.

Please only answer for yourself and don't list reasons that you think other people don't go out.
The rest of you have plenty of opportunity to explain why you DO go out.

[Cheryllynn]

I don’t go out as I really don’t have any desire to do so. Never would pass in a million years anyways even if I wanted to. My dressing has always been and will probably stay a private thing- my wife knows and mostly supports it but has no desire to be a part of it.
This is not to say that at some point in the future my feelings about this might not change, but for now I’m content with where I'm at.

[BLUE ORCHID]

I am perfectly content to stay ondoors with my Dressing,

[ambigendrous]

Why not go out? Well, for myself I'm perfectly happy staying home, no matter what I'm wearing. I am not a social animal at all - never have been. I can wear whatever strikes my fancy at home, and I am completely comfortable wearing dresses and such around my wife. My head is bald and I've had a beard and moustache since I got out of the Army back in 1973 and I'm not interested in shaving that so if I were to go out in public it would have to be as an MIAD, which I'm not interested in.

That said, I do underdress in public on occasion, and I've been known to go out into our back yard once in a while. Our yard is 5 acres and the neighbor behind us is about 500 feet away but even with that I'm not interested in being outside too often.

[Stephanie47]

I am a child of the 1950's and 1960's. In those dark ages for a man to don women's clothing was to be branded a homosexual, although the descriptive words were extremely vulgar. There was no legal protection for self expression and outright discrimination and physical violence. It took decades to fully accept myself. Then, the problem became dealing with others, primarily my wife. My wife is not appreciative of my dressing, so it is going alone. I always read that what we do is a stress reliever. I concur. There is always family stress, but, in my case, there is the problems dealing with the negative effects of combat related PTSD. Dressing and emulating a woman is pure escapism. Just about all of the guys in my PTSD support group self medicated with alcohol and drugs. I self medicate with women's clothing. I have no desire to become an attraction outside my home. Yes, I have gone out in the evening for a drive and stroll which always lead to "boring." I find comfort in performing domestic chores a la June Cleaver or Harriet Nelson: I get something done; baking, cooking, meal preparation, laundry, ironing, vacuuming, etc. When my wife and I had "The Talk" (1980's) she told me to find a support group. I looked, none to be found. So, it has become solitude.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I'm a MIAD anyway you look at it, and always will be. In private I'll wear all sorts of lingerie that I would never wear out, including things I've never even worn in front of my amazing wife. At home I'll also wear skirts and tops or dresses that men simply aren't allowed to wear in public, so I don't. It's partly fear I suppose, and part "don't like to be ridiculed" or talked about (same thing?)

I will never pass as a woman or as a trans-woman, it's painfully obvious that I'm just a guy in cute clothes, which society frowns upon.

All that being said, I'll push the boundaries quite often while driving or even going to the post office in the middle of the night, but since no one is seeing me I don't think that really counts as "going out in public".

If society norms ever change to where it's normal for a guy to be in a skirt or spaghetti strap top, then I will. Until then I just don't see it happening.

[Di]

Any More that do not abide by the OPs request will be deleted and if you still disregard the OPs request and my
WARNING
You will be given a vacation.


MOD HAT still on

We read all the time …go out …have fun.. That’s great
Let others that do not want to have a discussion.
It’s not all about you.
I think you mean well but please stop and let those that chose to NOT GO OUT have a discussion.

It’s not a race
You go out…that’s great
You don’t …still great .
Be respectful.

( I just deleted about 8 posts please stop)

[CharlotteCD]

I used to be somebody who desperately desired to go out, and did on a couple of occasions, but now I am very much like OP.

I don't want to go out any more because I simply don't NEED to.

I think part of it was being seen and having the validation that Charlotte exists. I have that through a few friends and through my girlfriend, who will do my makeup for me and would support me in going out if I said I wanted to go out for halloween.

[Erin Lafleur]

There's nothing further that I can say that I haven't already expressed on the previous thread.
I enjoy dressing in the comfort of my own home and I'm quite content in doing so.
I don't require any sense of validation from the outside world. Never have, never will.
I support the needs and desires of all in this community. Do what is right for you.
That said, none of us should feel as though we have to justify or explain our choice or the motivations behind those decisions.
There's really quite enough of that in the outside world.
My two cents...

[DianeT]

I agree, share what you want, and only what you want.

[Mary Loo]

I didn’t reply to the prior thread, but these days I don’t reply a lot, period. I still read a lot on here, though.

I choose not to go out for several reasons. First, body hair. I only shave my face and without shaving body hair I would be immediately outing myself and I don’t relish that for either myself and my immediate fears, but also mostly keeping my secret from my friends and family, co-workers, etc.. Second, my makeup skills are still very lacking and that goes back to being outed too easily and the same fears from reason number 1. Next, I don’t want to be outed for how it would affect my wife and family. They don’t need to be dragged into or have to defend my actions or desires. Fourth, I really never had the desire prior to joining this and other sites and reading outing stories. Granted despite having cross dressed on occasion for decades at home, I really only started in earnest about 2 and a half years ago now and I just don’t feel the need yet to venture out. I admit the stories can be intoxicating and under the right circumstances I can see where it could be very enjoyable (clothes shopping being the most intriguing), but also very stressful and again, just not necessary yet. It has always been a private activity and still is for me. Sure I would love the potential validation, but I am happy to read about that through others.

I DO really appreciate the idea of this thread and giving a voice to the truly closeted and less “vocal” of the forum members and let the lurkers know that the cross dressing population encompasses a big, diverse groupings of people.

I also agree with many of the reasons from many of the posters so far.

Thanks Dianne.

[DianeT]

Thanks for the kind feedback Mary Loo.

[Vale]

Hi All, I am another person who prefers to stay in. Dressing is something I do for myself. It is really not for others. In that sense it is sort of like meditation. Getting in touch with a quiet part of myself. Here is an example of how it works with me. My ex outed me to everyone. I never denied it but explained that it was a private exercise that simply expanded my self awareness. Thanks for allowing this thread. . . . Vale

[GaleWarning]

It’s not a race
You go out…that’s great
You don’t …still great .
Be respectful.



Amen, Di! Spot on!!!

[Lacey New]

Count me in as part of the stay at home club. The closest I ever got to dressing in public was trying on dresses at a Dress Barn store and having the sales associate check on me to see how the dress fit. Although I have gone out underdressed many times but always making sure things were well concealed. My dressing has always been just for me. I have never wanted or felt I needed to share this little piece of me with anyone else. I dont mind discussing it on this forum because I find this to be a respectful and common sense group. But sharing my ?hobby? with the public is not on my agenda.

[ColleenA]

If the OP or a moderator wants to delete this message, I am ok with that. Because to answer this question, I have to time travel back to 2013 and speak about how I dressed for 40+ years:

I am one of those who has no desire to go out in public and no desire to "be seen" or to interact with others. I went out dressed for Halloween once in the '80s. Also, similar to Lacey, I twice tried on a dress at a store - once at Hot Topic, once at Frederick's.

The main reason I don't want to go out has nothing to do with lack of desire or fear.
It's because I like just wearing the clothes. They are sensual and fun. But there is so much more to going out. I have almost never done anything with makeup, nail polish, jewelry, wigs, shoes, purses, and on and on. To me, those things are all unnecessary for what it is that I enjoy.

Makeup especially seems to me a big hassle - the time, the money, the few opportunities to even put it on, then the rush to get it off quickly if someone is coming home because I don't dare risk being caught (especially when my kids were growing up). More importantly, though, even the best Hollywood makeup artist could never achieve what I see in my own mind as I fantasize.

So I am quite satisfied to feel the clothes on my body and let my imagination take care of the rest. For what I want, I don't see going out as having anything to offer. I am content with my illusions versus with any presentation. As DianeT said in the original post here: I don't need to be seen, I don't need validation.

Just as we each have our own story for how crossdressing became part of our lives, we each have our own ends for what we want from CDing.

[DianeT]

Makeup is definitely a hassle. So satisfying when you get it right, so frustrating the other 99/100 times.

[PaulaJeanette]

Diane et.al., my guess is that we all dress for various reasons; those who "don't go out" have their own personal reasons! I, for one, have never gone out dressed and doubt that I ever will. I had an opportunity ONCE, many years ago, when Paula had a makeover in Las Vegas. There were other gals and their spouses at the Glamour Boutique business who tried to get me to join them but I refused. Basically, I was scared and I wasn't pleased with how I looked dressed as a woman. But, I must admit being there, in the company of others, and chatting like girlfriends at a social gathering, was a very pleasant and surreal experience.

As a lifelong transvestite/crossdresser, Paula doesn't need the affirmation and recognition of others to indulge in this lifestyle activity. I dress for myself, mainly when alone. Like many others, Paula simply enjoys the myriad of sensations that are coursing throughout her body as she admires the image of a sexy woman in her lingerie and heels. Clarification: a woman only from the neck down.

[Maria 60]

Well there could be a concussion of what we consider going out. When I told my wife about the dressing back in 1986 she wasn't phased about me wearing women's clothes. She asked me if i was gay or if I wanted to be present as women but the last question and the one she was most concerned about was if I was going to be happy just being in the closet? I agreed to this and we were both happy with the arrangement but then of course as humans we always want more. I don't know how but it ended up with me going on Friday night drives, my wife felt it was good to express this side of me and as far as she was concerned I was in a tinted window car and the only risk I would take is if I would put gas. A little while ago my wife wanted to talk to me about something that was concerning her, and it was about the Friday drive. She thought if I wanted to continue the Friday drive maybe it would be better that we tell the children because if I get into an accident of if I'm seen they would be surprised and confused. She figured the Friday night drive was a weakness and felt if the children should walk in on me sleeping on the couch dressed at home what I do in my own house in private is my business but what I do in public is a little different. I didn't see a reason to tell the children because I really didn't consider going for a drive for a few hours really "going out". Yes there was risk being seen and of course an accident can happen while driving. Since that conversation I haven't went on a Friday night drive but I'm pretty much able to dress when I want for now, she doesn't mind me dressed in front of her and again for now, things change fast and I don't take it for granted. For myself I don't pass but I believe I'm very beautiful but in reality I have no reason to go out. If I want to go dancing I'll go with my wife, I don't want any interaction with men and I'm not a very social person to go meet up with others dressed. Don't get me wrong I love reading the post about the sisters here out and about clubbing and just being out but what I say is everyone is doing what makes them happy. I have never felt any pressure being on this community for almost fifteen years of anyone pressuring me or insisting to go out. I respect the courage and confidence the ones who do go out and respect the ones who just dress in private and are happy. My biggest confusion was with my wife's conversation I didn't consider the Friday drive going out, but I guess there was a small percentage of risk.

[Bea_]

If you are a no-goer by choice too, let us hear from you!

ultimately, going out or not going out is "by choice". And the question comes up if you include underdressing as "going out".

I underdress daily and wear light makeup most days. But, i present as a bearded male. So I'm not thinking i meet your criteria for going out.

At home, about half of my wardrobe is from the women's department. I'm retired and am typically dressed in mostly feminine clothing at home but limit my presentation to a few femme cues in the wild.

It's ultimately a cost/benefit assessment. There WOULD be a definite cost in my world for being open about my taste and the extent of that cost is open ended. The benefit is questionable compared to that cost.

My choice is based on knowledge rather than fear. I know that openly dressing in the wild the way I dress at home would change the way the people i know would interact with me. Even though i have no desire to present as a woman, presenting the feminine cues that make me feel good about myself would likely have the opposite effect on those I interact with daily. And, more importantly, my wife's comfort with any feminine presentation would be a major cost. I truly think that I would likely be willing to accept the cost for myself and just let my freak flag fly.

[Lorna]

I can echo, almost 100%, the description given by ColleenA. (The only difference is that I haven't even tried on any women's clothes at a store).
I also like Vale's description of dressing as "something I do for myself".
That isn't to say I've never wanted to go out: when I was much younger I would have loved to try it but, for all the reasons given by others, it was too risky and too complicated. As I have tried to explain previously, much of my pleasure comes from trying to experience something of what women and girls experienced (note the past tense - it's the clothes of the 50s and 60s that interest me most) and although I would have loved to do the whole dressing thing and go out and about fully dressed, I have had to content myself with splitting dressing into two parts. Part 1 is at home and in private when I can enjoy the dresses, skirts, hosiery, shoes and appropriate underwear but restricted to moving about the house and, just occasionally, at night, into the garden. Part 2 is by underdressing when I can experience what it's like to wear a bra, girdle, stockings or tights for a prolonged period and while doing all sorts of things - restaurants, pubs, trains, buses, shops, etc, etc. but never having the complete experience of being in a dress or heels or identifying as anything other than male.
The first part is as near as I can get to feeling all the clothes; the second part is as near as I can get to knowing what it's like to wear the "hidden" things for a full day and for every activity. I hope that mention of underdressing while out and about in male attire doesn't offend the intention of this thread. To be absolutely clear, I have never been out dressed visibly as a woman - and, at my age, certainly never will!

[Freddi]

I'm in the not going out gang. There's absolutely no way I'd ever pass. Plus severe scaring on my leg would immediately give me away if I was to go out locally. But thats not an issue because I'm quite happy dressing at home with my wife. I do make up but no wigs. My wife likes to keep it for her eyes only. lol.

[DianeT]

About choice: like Bea says, ultimately it's always by choice. I may have said in the title: by personal taste, or inclination. But it would have excluded from the respondents those who decided not to go out because of some well understood and accepted constraints. Let's use the following definition instead: people who don't care for counsels about going out. That's probably more accurate. Then again this would have excluded the persons who wish to go out but don't for some reason. Well, honestly, the initial reason for creating this thread was to let all persons not going out, whatever the reasons, have a dedicated space to express themselves, without feeling any pressure to do the opposite or to justify themselves. So all is well I think. And I should probably have titled this thread Not going out, simply.

[BiancaEstrella]

I’m many bridges past that part of my life, but I do sincerely cherish this thread. Once upon a time, I was an at-home-only crossdresser. The reason for doing so was because I liked the clothing and shoes, but just for me. I could be on the phone with a friend, or playing games online, or posting on a (different) message board, or just kinda vibin’ around the house - but only I knew that I was doing whichever activity while wearing clothes that tapped into a “feeling pretty” emotion I originally experienced as a child wearing my aunt’s high heels while “organizing” her shoe closet. There was an associative happiness attached to a childhood memory that I found appealing. I’d usually be doing this while not wearing makeup, or just throwing on some lipstick while otherwise maintaining the facial hair I could grow back then. I’m no longer that person but I’ve been experiencing introspection about my own historical experience with my gender presentation, and I actually look back fondly on this time. Thank you for making this post, DianeT! I’m happy to share and hopefully offer some insight, context, or even comfort that being an at-home-only dresser is okay!

[DianeT]

Thank you for a touching post Bianca. Like you, and clearly like many members, I love doing things around the house dressed. Watching TV, reading, doing stuff on my computer, etc. I think the term you used, "vibin'", really nails it. Doing these things I use to do in male mode, dressed in women's clothes, is an emotional experience that I cherish more than I could say. Nothing has really changed, and yet everything is different. The slenderness of my arms in this dress' sleeves, the wig's locks caressing my cheeks, the subtle fragrance of the makeup, the gentle tension of the hose on my legs when I reposition them, the sound of bangles around my wrists, the heels making my knees raise higher when I sit, all contribute to a sensory and proprioceptive experience that is very unfamiliar to me. Seeing, smelling, touching, hearing, a world opens up and I am in no hurry to close that book. Oh no, I love every second of it.
I know it sounds silly. I know my wife will roll her eyes reading this. The whole thing is very hard, and maybe impossible, to explain, to a non-crossdresser anyway.

[Jessica Secret]

In my case 99% of my wardrobe is romantic lingerie/sleepwear so I can't wear that out lol! Even if I did like and have things to wear out, not sure I would anyway, not a being scared thing as much as it is I have just never had the desire to do it and don't want to have to spend the time to get myself all dolled up to do it. Plus I don't really have any clothes to wear out other than 2 slinky dresses which I rarely wear even at home. I like the idea of just slipping into something more comfortable at home (specifically at bedtime) and just enjoying that. Gives me something to look forward to at home in private with my boyfriend.

[NancySue]

Diane, great thread. I?m in your elevator. I, too, am a loner. Since retiring, I dress, definitely underdress, daily. Even though I?m blessed with a supportive wife, who is so helpful in many ways, my choice is to keep it personal. My daily pleasure comes from clothes selection, shopping, dressing and enjoying the comfort. My wife suggests we go out, which we?ve occasionally done, but it?s no big deal plus getting caught in our little town would be consequential. So, why risk it? Our whole world is a kaleidoscope. I say, do what you want, go where you want, wear what you want. It?s a free world.

[Tamsin Englefield]

Count me in for the not going out club.

My dressing is my own private fantasy and I?m quite happy with that

[Sabine Janus]

Always at home, always in private.

Its the internal change I aim for NOT the external validation, appreciation or whatever.

That is good for me and ONLY me. Others to their own! And that is as it should be.

[Erin Lafleur]

My thoughts exactly Sabine, well said!

[Kitty S]

I?m another one for staying home. I enjoy reading about other?s experiences going out, the joy they receive is contagious. Society is changing and becoming more accepting making it easier for those that want to go out to do so. I think one of the reasons I stay in is I would never pass. I don?t dress to become a woman, I enjoy the process of transforming. The fabrics, colors and those heels! I enjoy getting dressed and looking at myself in reflections. Anything but a glance would tell you I?m a dude. 6?2? 225 pounds with a broad chest and deep baritone but what a cute skirt and heels he?s wearing. Like Bea said there is a cost to others and not just us. I wouldn?t want to either verbally defend my actions or pretend ridicule doesn?t bother me. I also would not want to put others in an uncomfortable situation with my dressing. Either I?m a coward who doesn?t show their true self, or I enjoy this and don?t need to share everything that makes me me. Who realty knows? I have many interests that I don?t share with everyone. I hunt, grow marajuana, raise my own food, cross dress, work on hot rods, cook and keep house. Many of my friends will never meet as they would not get along (not to mention my political friends) That?s too bad because I enjoy all of them for who they are and what they bring to the relationship. I find it interesting that in most every group I?ve been a part of they seem to divide into smaller groups. Boating becomes power vs sail, sailors divide into cruising or racing. Racers are either week night beer can racers or regatta types. I guess it?s human nature to find smaller groups of like minded people for comfort. Well Kitty is calling, time to have fun!

[FeliCD]

I am in the ?no-goer? camp. I have an accepting/supportive wife and consider myself ?all or nothing? when it comes to dressing.(no underdressing) . I have the freedom to dress whenever I wish around my wife. Although I have spent years and lots of $$$ trying to perfect my female silhouette/presentation illusion. I would be clocked when stepping out the door in a heartbeat for many reasons even when dressed to blend in. And although society has become more tolerant or accepting - whichever way you choose to perceive it, I prefer to keep it private . My wife and I have discussed going to Vegas or something sometime in the future and joked about how much fun it would be to go out as just ?girlfriends? . Sigh?Maybe someday.
We do have fun with my dressing at home though and sometimes when she?s in the mood , she will challenge me to dress in a certain style to see what kind of outfit I can pull together. Then she will critique my efforts, lol! Lots of fun.