Dressing and a movie anyone?

[SophiaRose]

About a week ago my wife and daughter were out and I had the house entirely to myself for the night. Needless to say I was pretty excited, dressed head to toe and took real time with my makeup. It was the best I'd ever done and I felt amazing. I even danced a little in the mirror! Then, with a nice glass of scotch, I sat down and watched Will and Harper on Netflix. If you haven't seen it, it's about a former writer for Saturday Night Live that transitions mtf in his late 50s/early 60s. She (Harper) tells her friends and Will Ferrel, a long time close friend, suggests they drive across the US and revisit many of the places Harper had gone during her nomadic adventures before transitioning. I found myself totally engrossed. So much of what was discussed on their road trip I could empathize with. Regardless of where you are on your own journey I think it's a great film and you'll feel some connection.

Two days later it gets interesting...

Out of the blue my wife and daughter see the preview and want to watch it. So, I watch, again...this time paying less attention to the movie and more attention to my SO and daughter. Neither of which I have come out to yet though I'm working with a therapist to do so soon. They seemed totally accepting of Harper and interestingly enough their major complaint was: "Oh girl we need to do something about your hair!" I was on high alert for disapproval since I'm still anxious about our "talk" to come and didn't catch any bad vibes so am feeling relieved. I hope that it's not just OK when it's someone other than your own husband so we'll see.

Anyway, Will and Harper gets two thumbs up from this gal and thanks for hanging in on this post. Any similar movie recommendations??

[Suzie Petersen]

Thank you for the recommendation, it is on my "watch list" for sure.
Glad you had a good time.

As for using your observations to judge your wife and daughters potential acceptance of you, you already know this, but the Not In My Backyard phenomena is very powerful. Women, especially, are often quite accepting of trans people, and to a degree also crossdressers, but when it is the spouse or father, it often changes the game.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sophia :hugs: Good Luck,

~~~~~ See line #4 in my Signature First,

>>>>>>>>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Laura912]

There is discussion of this movie in the Media section with some interesting observations.

[SophiaRose]

Thanks Laura. I didn?t realize that. Will take a look. - best!

[Lauren4444]

Sophia, in the 80?s and 90?s, I would rent a movie with crossdressing in it as a date movie to check the temperature just like you did. It was not flawless but at least it was something! I would say a 95% success rate. Haha

[Pantyhose Queen]

I watched it and yes, it is very worth watching. I did feel though that Harper did get treated differently because she was with Will Ferrell.

[DianeT]

Your SO and daughter's reactions were about strangers, not their SO and father. That makes a world of difference. I don't use the NIMBY qualification for it, because it's a pejorative term with connotations of hypocrisy, while in fact, being tolerant about tons of things that you wouldn't want in your couple is only natural and most of us are wired this way. For example, I'm sure many of us are tolerant about trans men but would have difficulties accepting their wife to transition to male gender.
So, keep in mind that being tolerant about crossdressing or transitioning in general has no implications that you would be okay to have it in your couple when it wasn't told up front by your SO before committing to the relationship.
So you are right to want to tell, but be well prepared. The odds are that your wife will feel betrayed by the fact that you hid it from her and this may be the main issue to deal with, above all the rest. The broken trust is generally much more damaging for the relationship than the act of wearing female clothes. In my case it took years to mend, and there is still shattered glass on the floor, as this is a terrible blow for the SO (the magnitude of which males at birth have difficulties to realize I think). Not to discourage you, just to tell you that it's a long process. But a rewarding one in so many ways, in my case at least.

[Lauren4444]

DianeT,
A lot of what you say is very real. Cher is a gay icon and she did not do very well with Chaz! But I always try to find the silver lining. There always is one. Sometimes it?s just hard to find. Ha ha In this case, Sophia?s wife and daughter reacted sympathetically and focused on how the main character could have looked more feminine with a better hairstyle. We might be able to work with that! It?s definitely a better reaction than an outwardly negative one. ;)

[Genifer Teal]

It's one of those litmus tests that mostly works only one way. If they were not interested or tolerant of the movie, it's unlikely they would be tolerant or interested in your situation. So there is that litmus test, but like others said, their reaction to a family member might be very different.

[Connie D50]

Sophia thank you for the movie recommendation,I hope your talk goes fantastic.

[RoseReve]

Dear Sophia,

thanks for sharing your thoughts about this film, and the reactions of your wife and daughter.

If I may give you a piece of advice, as I've been in the same situation of wanting to talk to my spouse about what was happening to me: like you I spent time with a therapist to try and understand what was up inside my mind.

The talk did go well for me I think because I didn't talk and put the stress on the manifestation of the psychological state I was in (the fact that I dressed as a woman when I was alone at home) but I rather talked about what was up in my mind: I said I had discovered lately that I had a sensibility which is closer to a girl's one than to a boy's one.

As we had already been living together for 15 years, with two kids, she already knew me extensively, and she agreed to what I said because, as she said, she 'had already guessed'.

So this was my way of presenting things, and you have to find yours. But the lesson from this I think is that, the deeper you can go into your feelings, the truer your words will sound, and this will help her understand that this is not meant to hurt her.

I hope this helps you. If you need more details, or want to further discuss this topic, don't hesitate to write me in PM.

All the best to you, cheers!!!!

Rose :rose2:

[SophiaRose]

Loving all the feedback. Thank you.

Two fears continue to keep me thinking of how to move forward; 1. the "not in my back yard response" as noted, and 2. ending up in a don't ask don't tell relationship. Both would fee like rejection to me. How does one reduce the odds of a DADT endpoint?

Rose, your thoughts on presenting the issue as one of state of mind/self vs just crossdressing have been something swirling in my mind. Telling my wife I've always questioned my gender identity, (because I cross dress) and don't understand my authentic self will scare the heck out of her. Even if it is the truth. I would think most spouses would assume transition is a real and likely possibility. We all know the adage of "assuming" but it's still a fear. Ironically, watching this movie with her might cause her to assume my future would end up in one place.

[nalasirder]

I saw the trailer for the movie and think I'll check it out!

[docrobbysherry]

Just one suggestion, Sophia. Be sure your hair or wig is coiffed when u have "the talk"!:battingeyelashes:

[alwayshave]

That you for the recommendation SophiaRose, I will check it out.