Senior Housing

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife's cognitive deficits and mobility problems aren't likely to improve.

She want us to move to Senior Housing or Assisted Living, whatever the correct terminology is today.

Right now, I'm doing just fine living at home.

I think moving to Senior Housing will be incompatible with Steffi. I'm really just getting acquainted with Steffi. I think Senior Housing will kill her.

Has anyone moved to Senior Housing with an unaccepting SO? Does anyone have any advice?

[GaleWarning]

The term with which I am familiar is "retirement village", Steff.

The problem you face is that there is very little personal privacy in such places. You may be able only to afford an apartment, in a block of apartments. And the detached bungalows are pretty much built right on top of one another, with only a tiny garden and little or no fencing. Either way, dressing at home will become even more difficult than it already is.

I've no idea how tolerant other residents would be, if you were to come out to them. In the current climate in the USA, I would not be very hopeful of being warmly accepted as Steffi. So, I think you are correct. Senior living will not allow Steffi to live, let alone thrive.

On the other hand, will the quality of your wife's life improve, were you to make such a move? If so, do you love her enough to put her needs and wants above your own?

Tough call.

[Genifer Teal]

Or you could just do it and let the chips fall, where they lie and let the situation prove itself out. It's tough and not the nicest way to go about it. Play out the argument in your mind of how you could say, you're reasoning, why it's not a good idea, how would that go over? It might be something that needs to prove itself. Is there really a downside to a bunch of people in your situation?Knowing someone else has a weird quirk? I bet odds are most of us have some quirk that we've discovered by that point in life unlikely to be the same, but might still be appreciated for what it is. You don't know until you find out.

[DanielleDubois]

I don't know if is applicable to the US since there is not universal health care but back in Canada and now for us in Australia there has been a big push by the government to offer more and more home care assistance before people are moved into the much more expensive assisted living or seniors housing. Could be something to investigate to make your wife more comfortrable staying in your current home. Not just to accommodate Steffi time but for her to be in more comforting and surroundings she is used to.

[Kris Burton]

Just wondering - would a home "downsizing" fit the bill for you? Perhaps a smaller home without stairs and easier care for both or you? We have looked into such things here, and there are some very tempting alternatives among the "adult community" offerings, good prices too. Couple that with some of the home care if needed that Danielle mention - also gaining a foothold in the US by the way - and you might be able to fill they needs of all "three" of you.

[CarlaWestin]

I'm with Genifer on this one as the Carla experience is never a priority to life responsibility.

[Crissy 107]

Carla just nailed it, Steffi will have some time even if only underdressing

[alwayshave]

Steffi, Could you keep a large storage space and dress there?

[Brynna M]

I can't offer any advice but I'm sorry to hear your wife is to a point where she feels you two can't live completely on your own. That loss of independence seems like it would be so hard.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Steffi :hugs:, Sounds like you are getting stuck between a ROCK and a HARD PLACE, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Cheryl T]

I told my wife I want to die in my home not some community setting.
Were she in need of help I could not provide I would take every step possible before going to assisted living. If that was not enough and assisted living was the only choice they had best be ready for Cheryl because I'm not staying behind.

[Philipa Jane]

I can concur with Danielle.
There a number of government assisted plans here to help you stay in your own home.
The government would prefer you to sell you large home and live somewhere smaller and manageable, thereby offering a house to a blossoming family. Housing is in very short supply here at this time.

However the thought of others living pretty much on top of you sends shivers down my spine.
I guess what one has to consider is will it make your life better or just your wife's?
Can you get outside help to come to your home?
I did have the odd experience with my wife where she left something burning on the stove and this then presented a danger to us both.
We did have a nurse come in each day to help with her showering and to check on her health but they are not there 24/7.
You have a hard choice to make.

[docrobbysherry]

Steffi, I recently visited an ill friend who was moved into an assisted living facility. The desk folks told me some folks lived there for up to 40 years!:eek:

Anyway, on one of my visits when I was at the check in desk an odd fellow in a skirt and flats started chatting me up about this and that. When the desk lady came over he walked off. She explained he was an odd duck but friendly and no one cared how he dressed!:battingeyelashes:

[Sometimes Steffi]

I told my wife I want to die in my home not some community setting.

I told my wife the same thing.

[Susan_Michaela]

Or you could just do it and let the chips fall, where they lie and let the situation prove itself out. It's tough and not the nicest way to go about it. Play out the argument in your mind of how you could say, you're reasoning, why it's not a good idea, how would that go over? It might be something that needs to prove itself. Is there really a downside to a bunch of people in your situation?Knowing someone else has a weird quirk? I bet odds are most of us have some quirk that we've discovered by that point in life unlikely to be the same, but might still be appreciated for what it is. You don't know until you find out.

I agree with this statement. I didn?t live in assisted living or retirement homes but did live in hud apartments for 15 years. I never came out there yet I assume neighbors may have seen me at one time or another coming and going from friends I?d visit every week or so dressed back then either in a dress or skirt and blouse with 5? heels of various colors. I did kind of out myself one day a few years after moving there. I was talked into going out to a restaurant around 15 miles away in an adjoining state with her and almost to the car tripping and went down badly. I wasn?t hurt or mess up my hosiery but embarrassed all out. My friend just said get into the car I?ll pick up everything and your purse then we?ll go eat. After all the embarrassment was over on the way I calmed down and by the time we got go the restaurant I was calm and much more confident something I was lacking. Anyway we ate had a few looks and smiles but enjoyed the meal then left and stopped into a head shop to browse over their items I ended up buying three brass and mother of pearl inlays with glass candles that used oil to light them. Went back to my apartment and didn?t think anything more about it. Oh forgot to say most of the embarrassing thing was when I fell there were probably 6 different neighbors standing in front of their apartments . I think that?s what I worried about the most. Anyway to sum it all up maintenance came in to do work one day and I was dressed nothing was said then and years later when I put in notice I was moving a few of the women in the office said they knew I dressed for many years I didn?t cause any problems and we heard you was pretty when you dressed. I just said thank you and finished my business and left. My roommate was over helping me pack and when I got into the car asked why my face was so red and told her the story of my office visit. We laughed so hard afterwords . Anyway it?s up to each of us to do or handle each situation how we believe it will be ok. You would be surprised how accepting most are everyday wherever I go I?ve been out 24/7 for almost two years . It?ll be two years on January 1, 2025. I made a New Year?s resolution two years ago and never looked back. No negative comments only a few looks usually from either young kids teenagers or really older men. Men most places have opened or held the door for me entering or leaving shops even had three different ones assist me while getting smokes accidentally locked my keys in my pickup truck. They worked for two hours all total one at a time until he got the lock to open using a coat hanger . I didn?t have much on me left after buying smokes but gave the last one two packs of smokes and $10 cash . He was overjoyed especially about the smokes that?s what he was going to get and he only had enough to get himself one pack . Anyway I?d say 98% of most are ok with us dressing so long as we?re respectful of them do your business get out then go somewhere else and continue with your business. Most call me mam and are polite so I?m polite back. Could be why I?ve not had any problems. Again just be yourself take care of business and hold your head high smile when looked at and continue the journey. Confidence is the key plus making yourself look presentable not like a hooker and blend in. You?ll soon find out for yourself what I?ve said above. Good luck whatever you do. God bless