Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[CharlotteCD]

I've found myself stuck in a bit of an awkward situation, and I really don't see a great way out.

The short version is this:

- Accepting girlfriend who actively engages in my dressing
- Accepting future step-daughter who herself is trans having been born male
- Non accepting ex-wife who has probably told her new partner about me
- 4 year old who doesn't understand or care
- Non accepting parents who I do not want to be out to because this is private


Right now I do not have the confidence to dress in front of my future step-daughter even though she is transgender. I just don't have the same confidence that she has, and this is (in my opinion) setting a pretty horrible example. She's 13 and being her true self regardless of what comes back at her. I feel like I am setting a terrible example for her by hiding my true self from people, but at the same time I feel like dressing in front of her is taking the piss a bit because it's like I am cosplaying or role playing being a woman whilst she is actively trying to be accepted as a woman.


Meanwhile I do not want to be out to my parents because they weren't accepting when I was young, and whilst they accept my future step-daughter for who she is, they've only known her as her female self. They have 35 years of knowing me and I have never openly admitted my gender issues or to my knowledge been seen dressed by them. This is one of the things I am therefore demonstrating negatively to my future step-daughter.

Finally I do not dress in front of my daughter because I don't want her revealing I am dressed to my parents or to her non-accepting mother. That's just asking for issues in the current climate of people judging all trans people as sexual predators.




I'm not really expecting answers, just having a bit of a vent. There's no denying that this is a really awkward situation.


Wouldn't life be so much easier if we could just dress and present how we want without judgement?

[kimdl93]

Vent away. It?s totally understandable that you would prefer not to come out to either your parents or your 4 year old.

I know you were not looking for advice, but I just have to ;). It seems you may have more wiggle room in your day to day life than you think. As you have said, she is accepting and her daughter at age 13 is open about and confident in her own identity. So, it?s up to you and your new SO to decide how and when you express yourself, and then have a grown up discussion with her daughter.

Beyond that, sometimes changing the words we use can help reframe our perspective. For example, you might choose express that awkwardness about dressing in front of the 13 year old without calling it Cosplan. That is needlessly self deprecating. It?s not cost play. It?s part of who you are and helps you feel complete as a person. This is just as valid as your SO?s daughter who is expressing her identity in her own way.

[Geena75]

Charlotte, I think you have put into words the question before many of us -- who should we show ourselves to? I think your reasons are very sound and well thought out. As far as your future step-daughter goes, I imagine you might rethink things if she asked to see you dressed.

I am still very private. No one who knows me drab (in person anyway) has seen Geena, and those who know Geena don't know any details about me drab. I have one daughter at home who might understand, but I don't want to burden her with the secret (and a certain fear that she might leak something out). I am becoming inclined to step away from it just to simplify things.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm sorry, Charlotte, but I guess I don't understand your problem?:straightface:

If you're trans and planning to come out? Then, u need to deal with everyone!:eek:

If you're a CD like me? Tell who u want and dress where and when u want. Period! The rest seems like unnecessary dithering!:doh:

[Jasmine23]

Hi Charlotte,
I'm presuming that you are a crossdresser and not trans, so on that basis only come out to those you feel comfortable to come out to and only dress in front of those you are comfortable dressing in front of. Regarding your future step daughter, you are not setting a bad example by not dressing it front of her, or taking the piss if you dress in front of her. She is trans, so no doubt is well aware of crossdressers as she possibly started out thinking she was a crossdresser initially, before she realised she was trans. The best course of action is to sit down with your partner and step daughter and talk this through, find out what you are all comfortable with and what's not acceptable.
Regarding your own daughter you are right not to dress in front of her as it would likely get back to her mother and cause all sorts of problems, wait until she's old enough to understand and can be discreet about things.
It's understandable that you don't want your parents to know and there's no real reason to tell them unless you plan to dress fulltime or transition.

[Helen_Highwater]

Charlotte,

My advice would be to sit down with your stepdaughter and explain hust why it is you feel the need to keep this part of you from your parents and others.

Not wanting to jeopardise your relationship with those closest to you is a valid stance to take. Explain you feel conflicted and admire her courage but for you things are somewhat different and you hope she understands.

[Fiona_44]

I agree 100% with Helen. She expressed exactly what I was thinking on your situation. I think that would make life easier for you.

[Marketa]

I'm far from your kind of situation, Charlotte, but I feel for you.

I want to give you a big hug.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I suggest a variation on Helen's suggestion. Have a discussion with your trans future step daughter and her mom (your GF, I assume) and tell her that you are CD/TG or whatever the correct term is. Ask her if she would be comfortable, really comfortable seeing you dressed, and under what circumstances. In the house, out of the house, with friends present. Set boundaries like you would do with a DADT SO, and stick by them.

[Brynna M]

You are considering your kids. While you instinctively seem to know this 4 your soles may not care at 4 but they shouldn't have to keep their parents secrets especially when they get old enough to understand the societal consequences.

[Genifer Teal]

For a moment, I thought you might have to cut off your bra to save yourself.

As to the actual situation, your parents is delicate. How about asking your stepdaughter for advice? Might bring you closer together. Let your ex out you to your parents.That's beyond your control. If this is the first time she sees you happy, she may not want to allow that.

[SaraLin]

- Accepting girlfriend who actively engages in my dressing
say some version of "thank you, thank you, I love you, thank you...." etc.

- Accepting future step-daughter who herself is trans having been born male
Say some version of "I wish I had your confidence and courage."

- Non accepting ex-wife who has probably told her new partner about me
Who gives a flip what the ex thinks? IF you feel you need it, plausible deniability can be saying "She's bitter and will say anything."


- 4 year old who doesn't understand or care
Unless her mom drags her into it, why would you? Or are you wanting to be more open about it?

- Non accepting parents who I do not want to be out to because this is private
You're an adult. Your private life is really none of their business.

[CDMargret]

Sorry for this stress. I understand as I can't let my parents know or my grown children. Yet like you my wife and select friends know and are very supportive. I like the advice given about asking your future daughter for her thoughts. Hang in there and if something drastic occurs, own it. No shame, be proud, be you and own it. That's what I tell myself.

[chrissy111]

I'm with Marketa, would love to give you a big hug.

[candice_cain]

I have only come out to two of my closest friends about my dressing and sexuality. They accepted me and never changed the way they treat me. They have never seen me dressed or photos of me. I?m not sure they ever will. My daughter 28 knows it all but also has never seen me dress. My son is 34 and I have not told him, but he has had conversations with my daughter in which he said no matter what I do he would never stop loving me. People have to have a certain level of emotional maturity to accept something this profound. I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.

[GretchenM]

Wow, that is a very complicated situation or at least it appears to be. But I think Kim pulled it together so it is more compressed to the essentials which makes it all a bit less intimidating. I am with Kim and really have little to add other than to avoid making the situation more complex than it is and thus somewhat more overwhelming. Don't worry about your parents - you are over 21 now and can do as you please, but still be gentle with them. They are important. Your ex? She is your ex - period. Concentrate on your new relationship and be confident that your stepdaughter will understand and accept you fully. She gets it! You will be fine, but there is a lot of adjusting to do.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Charlotte, In Time thinks will probably work out for you with the Daughter,