Disappointed Emoji face

[Helen_Highwater]

Well, it happened. My SO came downstairs while I was dressed and tidying the kitchen, heard her coming but made no attempt to hide as I'd done on previous occasions wanting to be seen. She was after cough sweets, brief conversation then she went back to bed.

This is what I'd been hoping for. A reason to have "The conversation". So a little later, took her breakfast in bed and asked about what had happened earlier and was she bothered by it. The long and short of it was it did bother her. What she saw wasn't the me, the image she had in her head and she'd rather not see me dressed. Disappointing from my perspective. I'd hope we could get to be more open with my dressing but it seems not.

The up side. No tantrum, no stop or else. definitely DADT.

So, I'll carry on doing what I'm doing. I know I'm lucky to have as much time as I do when I can be dressed. I know there are many here who would give their back teeth to have the hours I have dressed. So yes, disappointed but it could have been so much worst. Count your blessings as my old mum would say.

[VS Fan]

:hugs: yeah not easy :(

[Suzie Petersen]

Helen,

It is hard for any of us to understand the detailed dynamics of your relationship. Can things be discussed? can opinions be aired? can you talk about your feelings? and so on. Without knowing a lot more, it is not easy to offer constructive advise on a sensitive topic like this.

I will however offer the following as general advise for any conversation about these things:
Be careful how you present the questions! If you in fact asked the question as simple as you relayed it here "Are you bothered by what you saw?" then the answer is almost inevitably going to be "Yes!". After that, your next question is going to be limited to how bothered she is, there is no other path for talking about it and finding middle ground in an easy non confrontational way. Not a good situation.

If you instead ask the question in such a way that it cannot be answered with a simple yes or no, then it can become a much more involved conversation where you have some options for presenting different viewpoints, and looking for an acceptable solution that works for both of you.
I don't really like giving specific examples of conversations to be had by other people, because it all depends, and you will know much better yourself how you two talk best. But as a generic example of such a conversation, instead of asking if it bothers her, present it as this is something you would like (need) to do, so what can you two do to allow for this such that it becomes less of an issue for her? Now it requires conversation to move forward, and you will have opportunities to guide the conversation towards more of a "We are looking for the best way to make this work for both of us" rather than a Go / NoGo outcome which the "Is it OK or not?" type question will cause.

I am guessing there was more to the conversation than that, and I would encourage you to look at the bright side in that, as you said, there was no tantrum, no doomsday speech, no Or Else ultimatum. I have followed your posts about this as it has developed over time, and in my view you are actually making some progress, slow as it might be, but progress.

In some ways, DADT is not such a bad situation. Finding ways to have your time, as you are, and simply establish "rules" and boundaries within which you can both exist comfortably. Perhaps this mean that she should expect that at certain times in the morning, you will very likely be dressed. She can chose to not come downstairs, or she can call you and tell you she is on her way down to pick up something, and then the agreement is that you move to a different room for a little while. Not ideal, I know, but if that avoids the conflict, and avoids her seeing you in a form she does not care for, then maybe that is an acceptable compromise.

Compromises can often be found, but it is rarely the opposing party who suggest them! You might have to work a lot for this to improve, but it can be done.

[Taylor Dame]

Helen, I understand, and have a similar situation as you. My wife has found me fully dressed, but doesn't want to see it. Also DADT, but can't dress as frequently as you - my daughter and children have moved back to our house. I can occasionally get out of the house shopping dressed when they are away for an afternoon. She does know I wear panties full time, and has pointed out skirts and dresses for me when we are in Ross Dress for Less. I certainly feel fortunate for those things. Understandably, she just doesn't want to see her husband dressed. I too will carry on what I am doing.

[docrobbysherry]

We have them here, Helen.:sad:

U don't have write it!:heehee:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Hellen :hugs:, My:love:Wife & I have a very workable DA/DT, She knows about everything, But just don't want to see Blue Orchid,

[Debs]

Helen, to me thats a good result, you dont have to purge, take a step backwards, you have a good firm base to start from, actually its a result, you can now carry on your normal routine, and if she catches a glimse of you it doesnt matter, if she finds something lying around the house, she knows why now. I'd carry on as normal now, let her process whats she's seen. I think she has known for a while but now you know she knows for real , she has to come to term with the situation and eventual the talk will come about ground rules. So yes I think its good start even though it might not seem so. Lets face it you could be packing your bags now and coming round to mine and I'd have to make space in my wardrobe for your clothes and make the spare bed up in the back bedroom for you, lol

[Genifer Teal]

Retail customer service training emphasizes the question How can I help you as opposed to do you need help? A yes, no question provides a quick end to the interaction. A more thought provoking question like how can I help you? might lead to continuing the conversation with some insight towards what the customer really needs. In your situation, you gave a quick option to end the interaction instead of providing the more thought provoking and information providing question of how did it bother you?

When I consider how a significant other might react to
suddenly finding out about this type of behavior in a relationship, I try imagine how would I think if my wife stopped shaving and let her body hair grow naturally? When I consider my feelings about body hair, I know it's not something I would like to get used to, and i'm not sure how I could. My thoughts are more like putting up with it or overlooking it for the greater good. Men are visual creatures. Such a dramatic gender associated aesthetic would have a big impact for me.

Fortunately, women are less visually stimulated than men. Looks don't matter as much to them. They are more emotionally stimulated. This makes things much simpler to understand. :-) You have to ask yourself, how does this activity change their feelings about us? I'm not going to attempt to answer that. You would have to analyze what they look for in their mate. How you fulfill those desires. And how this new revelation might change how they feel about you. You might have just blasted a hole in their night in shining armor opinion of you. Maybe you never were that night but maybe they thought so. Now, your shining armor has a chink in it. Can you still protect them in the way they imagined (real or otherwise) ? I'm not suggesting this is even part of the answer. This is just a made up example to show why you have to have a discussion to know how they really feel.

[kimdl93]

Sorry to hear that the situation remains as it has been. But maybe you could keep the conversation going, gently but persistently, and get to the root of her discomfort. It may seem impossible. Maybe it is, but you deserve the right to be yourself in your own home.

[Connie D50]

Helen, thats a shame that the conversation didn't go better.:( You never know it could go better the next time. :)

[bridget thronton]

Keep talking - perhaps things will improve

[Stephanie47]

You're assessment is correct: The up side. No tantrum.

There are countless postings of marriages and relationships floundering and exploding when the woman learns her man is more than what was presented. As some call it: Lying by omission. What ever one calls it; It comes down to whether the woman signed on for it. What's the viable alternative to DADT, if a wife does not want to see "it?" One can only hope that the guy's attributes outweighs any negativity that may arises from cross dressing. Personally, I choose to accept my wife's non-acceptance. I would not get any sense of peace and tranquility, the reason for my activities, if it makes my wife uncomfortable. Does the guy nudge "it" along and hoped for a better outcome?

[alwayshave]

Helen, I am sorry about your wife's response.

[Debbie Denier]

Helen, you are fortunate that there was no tantrum. You now know where the line in the sand is and can continue as you were.As you say many including myself would be happy with your DADT arrangement as opposed to nothing.

[Brynna M]

There is always a risk in pushing someone else's boundaries but your wife's feelings aren't the only ones who matter.

[DianeT]

If you knew your wife didn't want to see you dressed, why did you force it on her?

[Helen_Highwater]

Diane,

I didn't. She'd seen me dressed before but never made any comment. It was my in-built reaction, that societal pressure, we so often discuss that had kept me in the closet.

Knowing she knew I'd decided it was time to bring it out into the open. To bring clarity to the situation, which is what happened. I now know how she feels, she didn't say stop or else, she knows I dress but just doesn't want to see it which let's face it is not an uncommon position for many here.

[DianeT]

You said "made no attempt to hide", hence my question. When I dress in full nines mode, my wife and I split the apartment and close a door. I know if for some reason she might see me or just get a glimpse I will make sure it doesn't happen, I'll draw a curtain, or ask her to do the same. It is by mutual agreement that she doesn't see me. And in MIAD mode, I dress in front of her, by mutual agreement too. Reading your post, I don't know, it seems to me like your wife suffered from what happened.

[Sandi Beech]

It is fairly easy after many years of marriage to think that maybe things could change and the so will become more tolerant. At least that used to be my thinking, the logic being that I have been there through good and bad times. She does not have to worry about me running off with another. Yet that would be looking at things only from one point of view. I believe for some wives, seeing us crossdressed conflicts with their image of us. They cannot help how they feel, so I finally accept that for me, spousal acceptance is just not in the cards. So I try to avoid rocking the boat. If I tried what you did, I know it would not go over well, so I don?t do it. After numerous attempts, one may as well slide into a form of DADT.

It may have been worth trying, but at some point we have to be realistic.

Sandi

[Helen_Highwater]

I think I need to clarify things a little. Over time my SO has seen me dressed. I posted not that long ago about being outed by a tomatoe and some cucumber when I was sat eating lunch in my upstairs office in skirt and top and I didn't hear her coming upstairs to give me said items that had been missed off our lunch plates. Nothing said, no tantrum, slight surprise on both our parts, she just carried on with her day.

As there was no fireworks or harsh words said, on later occasions were I'd previously hurriedly covered up I opted not to and again no adverse outcome.

It was with this background of seeming acceptance that on this latest occasion I decided it was time to bring things out into the open and use it as a catalyst to "have the talk" which, let's face it, is what so many here would counsel.

Sadly, as described, the hoped for outcome didn't materialise but neither did a demand to stop or else. So that's how I now find myself in a DADT situation.

So it wasn't forcing it upon my SO. It seemed to me to be a logical progression. A way to test the water and initiate discussion.

Going forward, while I will try my utmost to honor my SO's wish not to see me dressed it's inevitable that over time there will be occasions when I'm too slow covering up but will be at least seen to be making the effort.

I know dressing is such a part of me. It's part of who I am. I'm extremely grateful that the demand stop or else wasn't forthcoming as I believe my SO has realised that this has been part of me for a long time. Perhaps things may change for the better. Time will tell.