Sophie Yang
11-25-2024, 11:56 AM
Philipa Jane's 'Misgendering??' thread and her friend Caz's responce got me thinking.
1. How many of us have had someone say something to you, as a friend/ally, about a perceived slight against you. big or small, from their perspective? The slight may be the use of the incorrect pronoun. Most of the time this doesn't bother me. When my mother was alive, we went out to eat often. When the waiter or waitress came by at the end of the meal, my mom would sometimes say he when referring to me as Sophie. Sometimes on these occasions, I would get a second glance. I figure if my mom could not get it right, I can't expect strangers to get it right all the time either.
2. A variation of the first question is that someone has taken great offense to something said to him/her and responds loudly
and negatively. Based on the explosive response, you get the feeling that offending comment may have been directly/indirectly about/against
you.
3. For those who have exprienced this, is it the women or the men who are defending you against the perceived or actual offense?
For me, the both have occurrd in my Ju-Jitsu classes. The first happened probably over nine months ago. I was training with a women, a purple belt. She asked a male purple belt for counter techniques that I had used on her. She and I were going through the different positions and she was talking with him. Somewhere in the conversation, he used an incorrect pronoun. When he left, she came up to me and said something along the lines are you ok and that she would always have my back.
The second incident happened last Wednesday during our open mat session. Now I did not hear what was actually said between the two,
an 80-90 lbs women, white belt, and a 180 -200 lbs guy, purple. I have rolled with both of them and they are both pretty easy going. She was so mad that she was yelling at him, something about gender, and stormed off the mat and continue yelling at him and that it was not acceptable. He tried to apologize, but she wasn't in an accepting mood at the time. One of the head coaches of the school was on the mat at the time and asked them to take it outside. She left and the head coach and he had a private discussion in his office. On my way out, she was outside, barefoot, standing the rain talking to the other head coach. I did not want to interrupt their private conversation. As I was driving away, the two were still talking. I rolled down my window and asked her if I could take out to get a drink or something to eat. She said her husband was coming to
pick her up and that the issue was between her and him.
Hopefully I will have an opportunity to talk with her during tonight's womens class. Not quite sure what to say, so maybe just shut-up
and listen.
In my two cases, it is women. In general, women have much more empathy than men. Before I started taking the classes, Sophie watched the
different styles taught during the evening classes. While watching the women's class, there were several candid remarks about rolling with
the guys. Afterwards I asked if I could join the class and they would have a guy to toss around. I was welcomed with open arms and legs.
On one occassion, I don't remember the exact context, my youngest brother said you can dress any damn way I want. One time while we were ordering food to go at a resturant, he referred to me as "he" and later asked me about it. Like my mom, I will always be his older brother and he
may not get the pronouns right. As a side note, my siblings all call me the Dog, no matter how I am dressed. I don't know how that got
started.
Besides 'thank you', just curious how you would respond to 1 and 2?
For those in the States, have a great Thanksgiving!
Sophie
1. How many of us have had someone say something to you, as a friend/ally, about a perceived slight against you. big or small, from their perspective? The slight may be the use of the incorrect pronoun. Most of the time this doesn't bother me. When my mother was alive, we went out to eat often. When the waiter or waitress came by at the end of the meal, my mom would sometimes say he when referring to me as Sophie. Sometimes on these occasions, I would get a second glance. I figure if my mom could not get it right, I can't expect strangers to get it right all the time either.
2. A variation of the first question is that someone has taken great offense to something said to him/her and responds loudly
and negatively. Based on the explosive response, you get the feeling that offending comment may have been directly/indirectly about/against
you.
3. For those who have exprienced this, is it the women or the men who are defending you against the perceived or actual offense?
For me, the both have occurrd in my Ju-Jitsu classes. The first happened probably over nine months ago. I was training with a women, a purple belt. She asked a male purple belt for counter techniques that I had used on her. She and I were going through the different positions and she was talking with him. Somewhere in the conversation, he used an incorrect pronoun. When he left, she came up to me and said something along the lines are you ok and that she would always have my back.
The second incident happened last Wednesday during our open mat session. Now I did not hear what was actually said between the two,
an 80-90 lbs women, white belt, and a 180 -200 lbs guy, purple. I have rolled with both of them and they are both pretty easy going. She was so mad that she was yelling at him, something about gender, and stormed off the mat and continue yelling at him and that it was not acceptable. He tried to apologize, but she wasn't in an accepting mood at the time. One of the head coaches of the school was on the mat at the time and asked them to take it outside. She left and the head coach and he had a private discussion in his office. On my way out, she was outside, barefoot, standing the rain talking to the other head coach. I did not want to interrupt their private conversation. As I was driving away, the two were still talking. I rolled down my window and asked her if I could take out to get a drink or something to eat. She said her husband was coming to
pick her up and that the issue was between her and him.
Hopefully I will have an opportunity to talk with her during tonight's womens class. Not quite sure what to say, so maybe just shut-up
and listen.
In my two cases, it is women. In general, women have much more empathy than men. Before I started taking the classes, Sophie watched the
different styles taught during the evening classes. While watching the women's class, there were several candid remarks about rolling with
the guys. Afterwards I asked if I could join the class and they would have a guy to toss around. I was welcomed with open arms and legs.
On one occassion, I don't remember the exact context, my youngest brother said you can dress any damn way I want. One time while we were ordering food to go at a resturant, he referred to me as "he" and later asked me about it. Like my mom, I will always be his older brother and he
may not get the pronouns right. As a side note, my siblings all call me the Dog, no matter how I am dressed. I don't know how that got
started.
Besides 'thank you', just curious how you would respond to 1 and 2?
For those in the States, have a great Thanksgiving!
Sophie