Dilemma or Opportunity?

[Claire M]

Background: I'm in a DADT relationship. My wife knows I like to dress (maybe not the extent I have gone), but to her, if we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist or goes away. Since retiring, we have moved to a rural, quite conservative area. Consequently, Claire resides deep in the closet these days.

Our neighbor has organized a Thanksgiving dinner for a few neighbors and friends. Since her husband passed a year ago, she has immersed herself in running a clothing pantry for the needy in our community. Yesterday she stopped by, somewhat upset. One of her clients at the pantry had confided to her that their partner was leaving them. He was distraught so she invited him to Thanksgiving. She asked us; "He's VERY gay, and will probably be wearing a dress if he comes. Are you guys alright with that? Will you still come if he's going to be there?" After we assured her we were fine with it, she went off to check with her other guests.

After she left, I quipped to my wife "If he's wearing a dress, does that mean we all have to?" Either she didn't pick up on my meaning or didn't take the bait. She just said she was wearing a nicer outfit for the holiday.

I'm hoping he does show up, and he does wear a dress (although nothing outlandish or too provocative). I see this as a possible segue to reopening a conversation with my wife about my crossdressing. It will also be interesting to see how the other guests deal with this new person. I just hope I don't out myself interacting with this person or the other guests (I've come close on a couple previous occasions in gender and LGBT related discussions. I also see this could go in a very different direction.

Any thoughts?

[Natalie5004]

I would just say that the person is probably not gay. Just very fem. Good for them. I wish I was more fem too.
Regarding dinner, just let it play out. Try not to ask where they bought that dress.

[Debs]

Claire, life is short , if you want to move this along with your wife you really need to talk to her, theres alaways a lot of factors involving me saying that. It depends on deep your need to dress is ?, I couldnt stop mine so had to come clean pretty quick. You can hide for years !!! if your desire isnt strong. So my question is how deep is your desire ?, mine cost me a few relationships becuse it was strong. ? and yes regrets, but all turned out well becuse i wanted it.

[docrobbysherry]

I was married for 10 years, Claire. As I recall dropping hints for my wife didn't work. The only way we worked out our issues was with serious sit down conversations!:straightface:

Not fun but they made our marriage work.:hugs:

When those conversations stopped our union failed shortly there after!:doh:

[Debs]

Sherry, Isnt that what ive just said, but went all round the houses, lol (uk term Houses, is blocks in US), its an old uk saying

[Traci H]

Claire, I think it?s an opportunity. Just go with the flow and see where it takes you and others. You will certainly get some feedback from friends and neighbors that would normally not be stated. As long as you don?t out yourself unless you want to, it could be great insight.

Traci

[BLACK STOCKINGS]

You may make a new friend. Talk in private if you can with that person.

[Erin Lafleur]

Claire, I think you will learn more simply from quiet observation of everyone around you.
Since you both seem relatively new to the area, I'm not sure that I would be overly transparent at the dinner.
At least you know that you will likely have at least two allies there so, something to potentially build on down the road.
I would imagine that your wife's reaction both during and after will go a long way toward your eventual marital discussions.
What's the rush?

[BrendaPDX]

If he shows up in a dress complement him on it and let him know it is accepted.

[docrobbysherry]

Debs, funny story, I was writting my post before u posted yours! Yes, u DID say that first!:thumbsup:

[TheHiddenMe]

I'm hoping he does show up, and he does wear a dress (although nothing outlandish or too provocative). I see this as a possible segue to reopening a conversation with my wife about my crossdressing. It will also be interesting to see how the other guests deal with this new person. I just hope I don't out myself interacting with this person or the other guests (I've come close on a couple previous occasions in gender and LGBT related discussions. I also see this could go in a very different direction.

Any thoughts?

I give it a .001% chance having this guest show up will change your spouse's mind about your crossdressing. She's chosen DADT, so until she comes and tells you she wants that you change, I suggest you don't poke the bear.

More likely, seeing a guy in a dress will more likely reinforce your wife's opinions as to how you look dressed.

I suggest you treat this guest as you would any others at the party that you don't know. I also assume that none of the other guests will assume you're a CD merely because you interact with this guest.

In short, cool your jets with your wife.

[Genifer Teal]

This is a great opportunity to test the waters and see how your neighbors react to this person. Don't be surprised if people are more accepting because this person is known to be gay. There's often a weird double standard that gay is okay, but what we do is weird. You can do the same thing, maybe even look better and be less flamboyant and get treated entirely differently. It makes sense for him because he's gay. For some reason, it doesn't make sense for us or the fact that we really may feel like a woman or want to be a woman just makes it on an entirely different level. acceptance does not come from the same place

[Geena75]

If a person is nice to talk to, talk with them regardless of what they are wearing. I have encountered a couple of trans-gender people a work and I don't hesitate to interact with them. How much depends on their demeanor and personality.

[Sandi Beech]

Dee is likely right in that interaction with this person will likely not help you in any way, but you never know. So just be nice to everyone. Just make sure you are not looking too much at the person or your wife will take notice of that.

Sandi

[Jennifer_Ph]

Get his number so you can be sure your outfits don't clash. :doh: But seriously, don't over think it, just enjoy the day and the company.

[Jillcder]

Always wanted the opportunity to wear a dress for thanksgiving dinner. How exciting hopefully he wears a pretty dress please let us know the outcome.

[kimdl93]

I wouldn?t use that as a starting point for conversation. It seems cross dressing is often associated with homosexuality. Nothing wrong with that, except we don?t need to be painted with the same brush.

[GretchenM]

No matter how he comes be welcoming and accepting. Emotionally, he probably needs some support from others. And if in a dress be the same way. No big deal - just acceptance. But you certainly need to observe the other people closely to see how they react if he is in a dress. Do they reject him or politely push him aside - been there, done that, at my sister-in-law's and I wasn't even wearing a dress; just a men's shirt with flowers on it. It does not feel good. Don't feel you have to go along with others - counter it. A great opportunity to show that, to you, the person is what counts the most, not their gender expression.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

[CarlaWestin]

Just go and enjoy. I'm in a similar retired DADT situation. You know how to handle this.

[michelleddg]

This could easily be a segue to reopening your discussion with your wife. Here's hoping!

I note my wife and I progressed from DADT to active tolerance a decade ago triggered by a relatively random event. The discussion was difficult and painful but resulted in an entirely unexpected development - she agreed that a trip to Las Vegas to experience this side of me was an appropriate next step.

Good luck! Hugs, Michelle

[Suzie Petersen]

Claire,
I see several different opportunities here.
As far as your relationship with your wife, dropping hints like that rarely works, as others had said. A better approach is to directly open a conversation about it, and hope for the best. Or, wait for a miracle to happen!

As for the mystery guest today there are several things. Is his partner male or female? How does your neighbor know he is "very gay"?
Maybe he is a CD or Trans, and that is what is causing the breakup. Maybe she has seen him dressed, or getting female clothes from her clothing pantry and based on that she has come to the traditional conclusion that he must be gay. Who knows.

In any case, one of the opportunities for you is to help this person by, like many others have suggested, just be kind, nonjudgemental, friendly. Dont let him sit in a corner alone. He is certainly in a bad place at the moment and need friends and kindness.
If he shows up looking like a prostitute, I would personally keep my distance, but still be friendly.
Another opportunity is to talk to your neighbor and help her better understand why some men dress as women, and why that actually only rarely means the person is gay "not that there is anything wrong with that". You can make up a story about a friend or colleague who is CD but not gay, and relate "his" story to her, without outing yourself.

And consider this, maybe your neighbor is on to you and this is a total fishing expedition from her side! Could she have seen you at some point perhaps? Or seen signs of you dressing.
Lets hope that is not the case.

As for using this situation to open a conversation with your wife, well that is a posibility of course. A lot will depend on how the mystery guest looks, dresses, and behaves. Judge wisely there and see how your wife reacts to the situation.

As for other guests possible reactions, if someone says something negative or "funny", a simple "Oh be nice now!" will suffice and not give away anything on your part. Don't let other people poision yet more people.

Let us know what happens, regardless.

[CharlotteCD]

I can't imagine anything worse than a gay man in a dress visiting when I was married. It would have only served to confirm my ex-wifes viewpoint that I must be gay because here is a man in a dress who is also gay.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Claire :hugs:, See line #4 iin my Signature, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Traci H]

Come on Claire. Curious minds really want to know how this went. So many possibilities. I hope you enjoyed it and it worked for your future.

[Claire M]

Thanks to all for your thoughts and comments. The guest introduced himself with a definitely masculine first name and was referred to with male pronouns. He was of Asian decent with androgynous to feminine features and very feminine mannerisms. He wore a nice pair of women's dress slacks and matching strapless top with a longer asymmetric cardigan sweater and ballet flats ... very tasteful. He works in the service industry and was very at ease with everyone who attended. He mingled easily with the men watching football as with the women talking in the kitchen and even played games with the neighbor's grandson. If any guests were uncomfortable or offended, nobody showed it or commented. Overall, pretty much a non-event.

[Philippa Jane]

One of the things that resonated with me was that if he was going to wear a dress he Must be Gay.
I don't know many gay men who wear dresses. Just saying.

[Stephanie47]

Nice to read there wasn't any display of outright rejection for that person, although one can never drill deep into someone mind. Since my wife retired after her bout of fighting breast cancer, it has been a rare occasion to be totally en femme. I do get the opportunity to sleep in a nightgown, bra and panty, and a full slip as we sleep apart for medical comfort. Emulating a woman is always going to be a no-go with her; "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" End of story!

[DianeT]

If I had an advice, it would be to avoid playing games with wink-wink nudge-nudge sentences sent your wife's way. It probably makes her uneasy and doesn't help your case. If you have something to tell her, prepare your speech, find the right time and place, and just tell her you need to talk. You can also write her a letter. It may sound funny, but it's a very effective way to share your feelings, because you can carefully chose your words, and she can read it alone, at her own pace, not feeling judged for her reactions or what she could have said had you been face to face. And since you rarely get upset or shout when reading a letter, you are in a better spirit to connect, to empathize with the other party. Obviously, after she reads it, you will need a conversation. There is a good chance that she will be the one coming to you for a talk.

[Bea_]

Thanks to all for your thoughts and comments. The guest introduced himself with a definitely masculine first name and was referred to with male pronouns. He was of Asian decent with androgynous to feminine features and very feminine mannerisms. He wore a nice pair of women's dress slacks and matching strapless top with a longer asymmetric cardigan sweater and ballet flats ... very tasteful. He works in the service industry and was very at ease with everyone who attended. He mingled easily with the men watching football as with the women talking in the kitchen and even played games with the neighbor's grandson. If any guests were uncomfortable or offended, nobody showed it or commented. Overall, pretty much a non-event.

It's so nice to read this. I'm hoping we'll all be able to tell more and more of these kinds of stories. I'm glad he was invited even with the hostess' concerns.