Heellp!!

[StayceeCD]

Hello girls!! I need some advice in a baaad way!! I am a "closeted
> CD".. Also married 14 years just last week and been with the same
> woman for 23 years who I love to death and we have a 2 1/2 year old
> gorgeous daughter. Of course like many I have been dressing on
> and off most of my life. She has never known this aspect of me.. I
> guess I've been too embarrased to tell her. She is an Italian woman
> who I've always supposed had very definite definitions of "what a man
> is". I am on the "road" working and will not be back home till
> Friday.. While on the road I succumbed to the calling of buying some
> gorgeous shoes on shoes.com.. They were delivered to my hotel and I
> was extremely happy till I just got a call today from my wife asking
> me who is the bitch I bought the womens shoes for!!! She got my amex
> bill and got curious, called shoes.com and they gave her ALL the info
> she wanted to know even though her name wasn't on the card, or the
> bill!! She seriously thinks I'm screwing someone and threatened to
> take my daughter and leave me!! I had no choice but to tell her over
> the cell phone at an airport that I'm a CD and have been doing this
> most of my life. She refused to believe me and I told her I could
> prove it be showing her a picture. She then proceded to say "you mean
> to tell me I've been married to a "crossdressing freak" for 14 years?
> I told her how embarrasing it is to even be telling her this and to
> not berate me but I though it is a better alternative to her thinking
> I;m cheating. I seriously do not know what to do and can barely
> breathe!! I Can not sleep and do not know what to expect. I' have told
> her that I am not gay, I do not like men, and I don't want to have
> SRS.. It's just something I do.. Not always, but time to time.. I't
> seems to relieve me in times of stress, and I just like the way it
> makes me feel. Please.. any advise or help will be appreciated!!
> Thanks!
> Staycee
>

[kittypw GG]

First of all Staycee you need to calm down and take a deep breath. You are working and you need your sleep and concentration. You wife will still be there when you get home. She was angry hurt and thinking that you were cheating. Her calling you a freaking crossdresser does not suprise me or you I'll bet. Call her from your hotel and have a calm, informative chat. You will have a lot of explaining to do. Like how is it that you didn't tell her? Let her get her anger off her chest and don't yell at her. Reafirm that you love her and nothing is going to change. You will work through this. 14 year marriages don't just disolve over night and women don't like to up and leave without a face to face conversation. Good luck and move forward. Think about what you would feel with this information if you were in her shoes. Kitty

[Annaliese]

Have her look at this sit before you get home and that you and her will talk about it then.

[Sandra]

Can't really add any more to what Kitty has said, just be prepared for a lot of honest talking. Good luck :hugs:

[StayceeCD]

Here is an e-mail my wife sent me and my reply. I am still out of town till Fri night. We have been talking on the phone but very briefly. Just "hows the baby and stuff". I really can't wait to talk face to face. Although I've been closeted all my life (i'm 42) and no one on this whole earth ever knew till I started joining some online groups, It's almost a relief to be out. I just hope she can accept and we can come to some mutual agreement. I am considering going to http://www.yoursexdocs.com/staff.php which isn't far from where I live. Hopefully they can help both of us understand our new "reality"

The e-mails"


I am needless to say freaked out, creeped out and stressed out over the news that came about. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t think I can look at you in the same way again. If cross-dressing really is the issue here than I need to school myself as much as possible before I can make anything of it. I am walking around in a daze 24/7. I can’t stop thinking about what you are trying to convince me to think is really happening.

I don’t know weather to feel relieved that you did not commit adultery or instead rather that you were with a girl than accept this behavior. I need to talk about this with you in extreme detail because I need all my questions answered for me to understand this if this is what’s really going on.

I would prefer you write me instead of calling because until I speak to you about this I don’t feel comfortable on the phone with you. I feel like I am married to someone I really don’t know. I feel betrayed because you let me marry you without letting me know about this part of your life (if this is what is really going on) and that is not fair.

You call and talk to me as if nothing happened. No words of support whatsoever. Do you have any idea how heavy this is??!!!! Like I don’t have enough to deal with here!


My Reply

____ , I want you know I understand your frustration and will answer all of your questions 100%. I too am walking around in a daze. However I want you to know I’m still the same person. I love you and would never cheat on you. I LOVE our life and our little family more than anything in the whole world. I would never want to change that. We will talk as much as you need to when I get home. It just doesn’t seem appropriate on the phone.

____






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[EricaCD]

I probably would have offered to cut the trip short, but that's water under the bridge now. When my wife found out, I got back as quickly as I could to begin "the talk". I think that helped her a bit. But again, too late for that.

Give her as much time as she needs, and stick to your guns about this just not being a suitable subject for phone or writing. It's the best argument you have at this point - and basically true in any case.

Good luck!
Erica

[Missy Anne's GG]

Hi Staycee,

This will probably be a long weekend for you and your wife. The only thing I can offer is to let your wife talk and ask questions whenever she feels the need. It is important for you to remain calm, supportive, caring and sensitive to her during this difficult time.

I was a real "babe in the woods" when I first learned about crossdressing from my husband. I had a very strict upbringing and knew nothing about such things. Coming to forums such as this one really helped me to understand and accept my husband's need to express himself in feminine ways.

Best of luck to you!

Hugs,

Missy Anne's GG

[Kerry Owens]

wow. All I can say communication is what you need desperately and again, telling SO or Wife beforehand again, is the best course. Scenes like this no one needs.
Sit down, take a deep breath and map out your points, your feelings, and the questions that you know she needs answers to. Be honest. The horse so to speak is now out of the barn, there is no point in trying to minimize what has happened. Total honesty is now what you need with her, and respect her feelings. Any other route is going to only complicate a terribly painful situation.

[Elsie GG]

Staycee
You have a lot of love near you with your wife. I see the comment ,
"I need to talk about this with you in extreme detail because I need all my questions answered for me to understand this if this is what’s really going on."

as a great start. It sounds like she will be willing to listen. Be sure to thank her for her willingness to listen and try to understand. I would ask her if she wants to see the shoes you bought, start slow. Continue to let her know how much you love her, and that you are the same person you were before she saw the shoe bill, as after. Don't physically bring out the en femme items until she agrees, but let her know that she is welcome to explore them. Know that you can both grow together. And reinforce how much you love her.

[kathy gg]

all good advice everyone is giving. I will add to that this: don't make promises you know in yoru heart you probably cannot keep. In other words if she says to you "stop it. if you love me, you will stop." Think long and hard before agreeing to something like that. Chances are at your age and if you have been okay with taking the chances you have taken {buying stuff w/ a credit card} this is something you probably cannot stop forever.

Most likely you will be making alot of compromises. You have to be prepared for her to want to go back to the way it was in a sense of her not knowing. In other words, she will know but not want to deal with it or talk about it.
And the only reason I say to stomach things, is because you do have a small child together. Try to compomise for that baby's sake and hopefully for the love of your wife.

She may never accept you or want to understand. And that will be something in time you can decide if you are content to live with.

or she could decide to get smart and read up and try to understand. i do Hope that is what she chooses.

best of luck

[dancinginthedark]

Staycee,
I know how hard this is and how scared both you and your wife are right now. I have to believe that a foundation of that many years means something great is already there to build on. There is a new section called from the back of the closet and you are in great luck since the first item on it is how to tell your spouse. If you haven't read it do so now, I cut and pasted the URL for you but it is right at top in the MTF site. It will help you tremendously. Marla gives lots of great advice and suggestions to help.
Please make sure your wife knows this is something you want but only sometimes, I was terrified at first that I had just lost my man. Also I was scared this was the first step in his leaving me to be a woman full time. Sounds silly now but when you are that freaked out you can kiss rational thought good-bye. Count on answering the same questions more than once, she will need some time to get herself calmed down and her mind wrapped around this all.
I do admire your thoughtfullness and concern. I will be thinking of you both in the days ahead and you're both in my prayers.


http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841