It's not always about the dressing

[Maria 60]

Sometimes it's great having an open relationship with my wife, she really gives me a lot of insights on a female point of view.
We were having drinks with some friends over the Christmas holidays and one of the wife's was saying that leaving early in the morning with her young children that they should get snow tires for her car. Her husband responded with Christmas expenses and all they really can't afford them now, but he shows up a week later for pick up hockey with new goalie equipment. He said he got a great deal at fifteen hundred dollars for the equipment and I guess that was more important. He then came to my house this week and bought a set of golf clubs I was selling and when he gave me the money he told me not to tell his wife or mine about that he bought the clubs from me and the goalie equipment. I went in the house and gave the money to my wife and told her to buy herself something pretty and when she found out who bought the clubs instead of buying his wife snow tires for the families safety she got upset.
She told me I'm lucky that I'm not like that because i wouldn't have the wardrobe and not to mention any fem stuff and that she would give me a hard time with it. Confused I asked her what would my dressing have to do with that, I didn't see the connection. She said our friend is selfish and that in any relationship it is important to make efforts for each other. She says I'm a very unselfish person and I think about her before making a decision and not only is she supportive of my dressing but she supports my love of cars and whatever else and I see the love in her hobbies in return. I asked her that she is supportive of my dressing but if I did something that doesn't have anything to do with the dressing she would to say punish me with my dressing. She said that I was absolutely right why should I be happy and she can't with what she wants to do. Well I learned something new and I guess sometimes its not always about the dressing and I guess it becomes personal. Lesson learned.

[CarlaWestin]

I wouldn't know how to be selfish. Especially with my wife. Sounds like your friend needs a lesson in priorities.

[Aka_Donna]

She makes sense, but snow tires are not always the answer. More important are all wheel drive and driver training about 1-increased stopping distance so leave more room behind vehicles, 2- steering with the slide and each season go to a large parking lot and refresh automatic muscle/brain memory by pushing vehicle in slide and practicing recovery, 3- having salt/shovel in vehicle and 4- with kids knowing how to reach support quickly. If you have hills, and who doesn't, what about chains or temp chain straps? etc..

I just can't imagine claiming money issues and spending 1.5 grand on something for one side of partnership. Strom is brewing there.

[chrissy111]

I'm with Carla, I don't have a selfish bone in my body. Maria, telling my wife about this post she is in agreement with your wife 100%.

[SophiaRose]

Yup, selfish. The fact he feels the need to keep it a secret suggests there may be more to the story however. Its not always about whats purchased as you suggest, but how each person links money with security.

[ShelbyDawn]

Maria and her wife are obviously talking to each other about things that matter, boundaries, respect, empathy for each others needs and desires while the other couple aren't. She is right, this isn't about dressing. It sounds like they have a solid marriage regardless and the other couple is heading for trouble unless the hubby gets a clue.

[Jillcder]

I just love hearing about your wonderful relationship with your wife she is a gem! I would never put anything ahead of my wife/families safety what a bum he needs to get the damn tires I can understand why your wife was frustrated.

[Cheryl T]

My wife, her needs and the needs of the household always come first.
Maybe that's why there's never an issue if I see something I'd like for myself.

[JesseVF]

I agree being selfish has no place in a relationship. Two of my wife?s friends are currently experiencing this with their husbands who will not do much to help them. everytime she speaks with them she appreciates me more.

[Stephanie47]

Unfortunately, a husband who has spends many dollars on his hobbies instead of buying snow tires is not uncommon. He is more than selfish. IMHO, he is not treating his wife as a co-equal in the marriage. I wonder what else is one-sided or lop-sided. In my career of thirty+ years I talked to many many women, who woke up and ditched their husbands, because they were selfish to the extent of not providing for their families. Society being what it is, if you're able to do it, make sure your daughters and granddaughters have a good college education or income producing trade, so they are not shackled to a worthless man. My wife and I paid for our daughter and granddaughters higher education, in full.

[kimdl93]

Definitely a lesson that not only needs to be learned in any relationship, but repeatedly relearned.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

Regarding the tires, Donna is right. It's more about driving skills than the tires.

Regarding the selfishness, everyone is right, the dude is a bum. If his wife thinks the tires are important for safety reasons, then he should buy the tires long before sports equipment that he absolutely doesn't NEED.

Regarding your wife, Maria, she sounds awesome! I love the women who don't necessarily understand why we want to wear a skirt or a bra but stand behind us anyway (like mine!)

[Suzie Petersen]

Maria,

You have a great relationship with your wife, and you have your priorities in order, unlike your friend. Good move to give her the income from your sale, I am sure she appreciates that.

However .... I would suggest you look up the definition of "An Open Relationship", I don't think it means what you think it does ;)

[docrobbysherry]

If u meant divorce is not all about CDing, Maria? You're rite!:sad:

Money issues is the #1 cause!:doh:

CDing is probably down at #30 or #50!:eek:

[Maria 60]

My wife reminded me about another example. A few years back we were on vacation with another couple and the husband bought 4 boxes of cigars on the first day and spent all the money they brought. A few days later the wife got sick and she had to go to the clinic in the resort and they charged her something like fourty dollars that they didn't have so I lent them the money. He was yelling and screaming at her asking her why she had to get sick and waste the fourty dollars.
My wife that night told me if I ever talk to her and do something like that if would definitely be the end. She reminded me of this because she does admit a lot of her friends do take a lot a verbal abuse and for whatever reason they except it. She made it clear again that if I was like that Maria wouldn't have what she has and she would not support it. Again nothing to do directly with the dressing.

[JulieC]

One thing that kinda leapt out to me about this (aside from the pure, unadulterated selfishness) was this guy asking you to keep a secret. I don't keep secrets from my wife. Period. I don't want to have to keep track of who said what and what I can and can't tell my wife. It's too stressful, and feels deceitful to her. I share everything with her, and she with me.

Oh, and Maria? This term "open relationship"? (channeling The Princess Bride here) ... I don't think it means what you think it means :lol:

[Suzie Petersen]

Maria,

I do think you need to look for new friends! And, based on some of your other posts, maybe a new family too! You wife being the exception, of course.

And and I said before, and just now also posted by Julie .. You REALLY need to look into what "Open Relationship" means!
If we are wrong here, then you have a "Whole lot of Splainin' to do, Lucy!"
LOL

[bridget thronton]

You have a great marriage