Feeling a bit sad, but understanding

[Camille15]

Since my incredibly supportive wife has now seen some pics of Camille (as of this past summer), I asked her if she wanted to see some from my dress-up time this past weekend. She said "sure", and I showed her a few. I was hoping for a "Wow, you look great!" kind of reaction, but instead got a few comments on the particulars of the outfits I chose (i.e. "this color suits you better"), and at the end a final comment of "You did a good job". By that she meant a good job in reference to the outfits chosen, quality of photography, etc.

This left me sad at first. My feelings were hurt that all she could muster was a "you did a good job" rather than what I wanted to hear, which was something more like "you look pretty". We have a good relationship with open communication, so I expressed this to her. She quickly added that "you do look nice" and "you look happy", both of which were what I knew to be her attempts to say something more like what she thought I was looking for, while still not saying something that didn't feel was truthful to her. I guess I was naively hoping that when I finally shared photos with her she would see that I present really well as a woman too, and as a result would get more enthusiastic about chatting about clothes I could wear, want to see my photos, encourage me to take more Camille time, etc. I guess I'm looking for that experience with a real person (the "girlfriend experience"), and since we share every other aspect of our lives (including fashion, which she always seeks my input on), that this could be the same.

I went to bed still sad, but had some time to reflect on it. I realized it's not fair of me to expect her to look at me in that way, nor to say something she doesn't really think just to make me feel good. She's already being so supportive in giving me Camille time, and I am so appreciative of it. She accepts this part of me, which I know is something to be truly grateful for. And so to put the expectation on her that she see me as anything besides her husband in a dress, and get more excited about that than she authentically can, is an unfair position to put her in, and basically setting her up to hurt my feelings unintentionally. So I told her all of this today over our morning coffee, and she basically agreed. She felt bad about hurting my feelings and apologized, but I told her it wasn't necessary. I told her that I wouldn't put her in that position again by asking her if she wants to see any Camille photos, but would happily share if she ever asks to see any.

We ended it there. I still feel a bit sad, but better, and she and I are on solid ground, which is what matters most.

Thanks for "listening'" to my experience and musings.

Camille

[Meg]

It is so wonderful that your wife is accepting of your Camille time. (A bit Jealous). It is also nice that you took the time to view the situation through her eyes. The open communication certainly worked in this instance. Although we sometimes hope for more, sometimes we need to just be thankful for what we have. Hugs, Meg

[Joanne Curl]

I know you wanted validation that you showed her your pics and wanted her to appreciate them. You seem to understand her reaction but it wasn’t exactly what you wanted At least she’s trying Andyou know how lucky you are that she accepts this part of you.

[kimdl93]

That all ended with a good conversation. It can be hard sometimes, to distinguish wishful thinking from reality. What’s that old line, “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime you just might find, you get what you need.”

A little post-script: I often share pictures with my GG friends and their response range from a thumbs up to beautiful or gorgeous. I often find myself mentally discounting these comments, and have to remind myself that generally speaking people will try to say what they mean and mean what they say.

You will be happier if you can train yourself to accept compliments at face value, instead of shrugging them off or wishing they were more emphatic.

[char GG]

I am glad that you realized that a wife wants to see the man that she married, even in pictures. She was honest replying that you did a good job. Pictures seem (to me) to be a CDer thing for validation.

Sounds like you have a very understanding wife.

[Genifer Teal]

One could also consider how much a girlfriend might mean it when they say, oh, you look great. Maybe they too are saying what you want to hear.

[Kris Burton]

My also very supportive wife has commented on my photos similarly. I have often heard "You did a good job" in response to some of my photo sessions, and has critiqued my various looks and photographic efforts, and can only recall her saying "You Look Pretty" once. She has said that she always sees me no matter what I am wearing. At first I too was bothered by this but no more. I have her support and encouragement, even her participation at times. Her critiques are always constructive and never demeaning. My persona has flourished with her openness and involvement. With what I can read and heard I know I am among the lucky ones. I know you feel the same.
Kris

[Cheryl T]

Camille you are not alone.
We all want to hear things like "you look so pretty" or "that dress is beautiful on you". Something to bolster our ego and make us feel good.

I'm the same way. I'll go all out and wear something I think I look wonderful in and she will say "it looks pretty" or the other you love "that color looks good on you". The last time that happened and she said "that's pretty" I responded with "It is pretty or I am pretty?". She hesitated a second and said "Both". That's the closest I've gotten to hearing what we all would like to hear.

I think much of it is because even though she's encouraging and helpful it's still difficult for her to say something that strongly recognizes Me/You as a woman. It's as if stating something like that makes it too real. I've accepted that fact and will take what I can get no matter how much I'd love just once to hear "you look beautiful".

[Fiona_44]

Camille,

There are countless CD's who would love to be in the situation you have with your wife. Consider yourself very lucky indeed.

[Brynna M]

I'm more envious of the kind of communication you have with you wife than I am of her support

[Sandi Beech]

It is a lot worse for many of us so you are lucky to have what you do have. Yet I understand that we are kind of exposing our deepest inner selves when it comes to all things CD, so that sets us up for disappointment when we do not get reactions that we would like in our mind set.
Once you understand and accept it, I think it can be helpful to realize why we feel how we do at times.

Sandi

[Maria 60]

I guess it's human nature to always want more. At times my wife will do a clean up of her clothes and as she's trying them on and throwing them on the floor I'm there to pick them up and try them on. I will ask her how I look and if I should keep the item and I will always get that it looks good or she wishes she had my legs or be tall like me.
I believe she doesn't see a women and sees her husband in a dress that I believe makes sense. A few weeks back I was dressing every night after work and thought I should give it a break not to get her overwhelmed of seeing me always dressed. Surprisingly a few nights later she asked me why I wasn't getting dressed up and I told her I didn't want to over do it and feel I'm taking advantage. She told me to do whatever makes me happy and dress how I want because to her it really doesn't make a difference, so do as I wish. That answer told me that it didn't matter what I was wearing because I'm her husband no matter what I wear. I guess at times maybe I would like to have her consider or talk to me like a girlfriend but then I gather my thoughts and think being dressed whenever I want with her is more then I could have ever expected anyway.
It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your wife and I believe that means more then her telling you how pretty you look. I believe we will be reading more positive and advancement stories here from you.

[docrobbysherry]

When I'm out and I hear a woman tell me, "You're so pretty", I know they're just being nice!:thumbsup:

When I hear a man say it? I get WORRIED!:sad:

[Connie D50]

I know how you feel, when my wife get involved (rarely) I make the mistake of have the evening all set up in my mind and if it doesn't go as planned, or she is indifferent I always feel sad. Sometime I think I set to high expectations,I should lust be happy she was sending time with Conniee.

[chrissy111]

My wife has given me great compliments and also some very much needed reality. Camille, the relationship and communication you have with your wife is something of beauty.

[bridget thronton]

Well done on continuing to talk to your wife - sounds like you both have wonderful partners

[Cheryl T]

Does some of her reluctance perhaps come from her not liking her own appearance?
I find that happens with us sometimes. My wife will order something like a dress and be excited for it to arrive. Then she tries it on and is a little disappointed because it fit the model better. Since we wear the same size she will tell me to try it on and then say "it looks better on you".
I get sad when I hear that even though it's a compliment of sorts because I know she wishes it fit her that way. We are different, I am taller and slimmer yet we are the same size and that makes the difference.
Maybe some of your wife's hesitance to say what you wish she would is based in something similar.

[Di]

Kudos on seeing it from her POV.
Great post.

[DianeT]

I think you answered your own question by reflecting on it. Your wife doesn't see you as a woman, even if only an aspiring one, but as her husband, and that's a good thing.
Knowing how women are more selective (and educated) about choosing clothes that fit your body and a given occasion, "You did a good job" is actually a very strong compliment and should mean a world to you.

Of course acceptance is based on trust and this implies being selective about what you share online.

[alwayshave]

Camille, my wife is very supportive and most times I have gone out, she has gone with me. She has told me a particular dress looks good on me or she likes my wig. But, she has never told me I'm pretty. I take my victories where I can get them.

[Mary Loo]

Camille,

Thanks for a great post and many here have already added excellent comments and feedback, but I particularly liked Maria’s.



It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your wife and I believe that means more than her telling you how pretty you look.

I loved that before even me finishing reading your initial post, that in it you had already realized the situation from her perspective and had even discussed it with her. Kudos to you both and yes I think her response is still wonderful praise as best as she can provide.

[Teri Ray]

Camille,

This post is wonderful. Thanks for sharing.

Your story reminds me of my relationship with my wife. I have been through may phases of what I refer to as the crossdressing time line. Where I first shared this passion with no one and hid my desires from everyone (so I thought) then after many years of living in shame and a lot of self loathing (why do I want to do this?) I finally missed covering my crossdressing tracks as perfectly as I imagined I was doing and my wife found a "Teri" pic in our shared computer and confronted me. Well, as many of you know, this discovery led to the first "Big Talk". Its kinda hard to deny this new found evidence and I "mostly confess" my passion and desires Lucky for me my wife becomes "semi supportive" and we enter the phase of "Don't Ask Don't Tell". We lived there for about 7 years when my wife could no longer live with our arrangement, which leads us to the second "Big Talk". She tells me that she knows I have a desire to dress but cannot understand what that means to me, what I am doing, and why I feel the need to dress enfemme, (basically she told me she knows but does not understand). This last talk was very hard and I became much more honest and explained in detail my desire, what I did during my dressing sessions and shared my Teri clothing selections with her and, probably most importantly, I answered every question with absolute honestly. (Not an easy thing). After this we became much closer and I can honestly say I felt so much less guilty about my desires. Now we talk much more often about my desire to dress, we shop together and share thoughts on life women, men and other life topics. One interesting topic we often share is how I think about certain topics from my crossdressing perspective as apposed to my male perspective. I now even openly share various information topics from this site with my wife. (See I am not the only one)

Your post reminds me of how important open honest communication with your wife is. It reminds me of our shared boundaries and how difficult but important having an open relationship with the love of my life is. I am very lucky and very happy with my ability to talk to my wife about these desires. I am betting you have a similar relationship with your wife.

Again thanks for sharing your great perspective.

Huggs Teri

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Camille :hugs:, If I was you, I would just count my Blessings !! >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[GretchenM]

Perhaps we have a tendency to expect more interest than is usually possible with a woman looking at a man she loves who looks a bit like a woman but still looks like her husband. It is confusing when suddenly revealed. In time I am sure she would get accustomed to it and be more accepting of the change. So, personally I would expect a similar reaction from my wife if I showed her some pictures of Gretchen. But the depth of the interest would not be great as it is actually a bit of a conceptual clashing.

I think your approach of introducing Camille through photos was a wise choice rather than in person. It lets her see you but without the need to experience the reality of her husband as basically someone else. On the whole I think you did a good job. But now let it sit. You planted a seed; now you must wait to see if it germinates or not.