Stepping Backward

[Traci H]

I think I pushed my unaccepting wife too far. After 40 years of her knowing I thought I could bring some of my CDing more into the open. Drawer of panties, bras and forms have really upset her. Female tops and wearing women?s jeans have made her life miserable. I need to pull back. Clothes in hiding spots, some culling, etc. Making a new stash spot that will be very inaccessible for her is part of my revised plan. I need to realize that I can only participate at times to make her life more comfortable. She is deathly afraid that kids or friends will figure it out. I think it is pretty much a NIMBY thing as her views are very liberal otherwise.

So it goes. Back further into the closet. I?m curious if any of you have had your retreat as well to save your marriage and his did it work out? I am so jealous of those of you with accepting wives!!!!!

[CarlaWestin]

DADT and IDWTSI are just as much an artform to me as the Carla thing. I don't keep anything that would be ponderous within any immediate view or access.
And there's no innuendo in conversation. My wife doesn't like it so our life together has no existence of anything hinting at CDing.

[Kris Burton]

Even with an accepting,supportive and even encouraging wife I think its important not to become too cavalier about it. Altho my wife knows where all of Kris' things are, they are always tucked carefully away, especially when my adult sons and their SOs are visiting. I always mention when I have scheduled an outing, no surprises, and I try to make sure that I do it sparingly. We do discuss Kris' activities, but not more than is necessary. In short, I make every effort to insure that Kris does not impinge on our life together. Balance is always the key. Often it is so difficult to tell when you have gone over the line. I have asked her to gently tell me when I do and she has - so I always proceed cautiously. I don't want to mess up a good thing.

[audreyinalbany]

balance is th key, but so is communication; maybe rather you need to talk

[Traci H]

Talking is something we need to do, but it is so hard. This CD thing seems to hurt her so bad, that it is difficult to proceed. She just can?t understand why I do it and thinks it is just me being selfish. This despite all the things I do for her regularly. One would think after 50 years together we would have progressed, but it is still an open wound.

[audreyinalbany]

I can't think of any way to close the wound other than honest communication. Perhaps a therapist as a mediator would be helpful.

[alwayshave]

Traci, I am sorry that you have to hide your dressing.

[DianeT]

My wife is accepting (despite telling her almost 40 years into the relationship), but this may have to do with my not pushing it. I dress to the full nines twice a year (mostly like what I used to do before coming out), and not in front of her.

As for the NIMBY thing : she thinks men should be allowed to dress with skirts etc. but prefers skirts made for men, i.e. not crossdressing, no imitation of the female body and presentation or mannerisms etc. so it doesn't push her (and many a GG's) buttons. She found a loving middle ground by often offering me to do a MIAD session when she feels comfortable with it. In other words no full nines, no forms/wig/makeup but simply toned down female clothes, but still accepting pantyhose in the mix (which was difficult at first for her since it is a staple of my full nines but also something I really like on her).

As usual, I will object to the NIMBY term when applied to wives. "Liberal" wives will generally be accepting of a CDer in their close relatives, so the backyard isn't off limits, actually. But they don't go to bed with these persons. And that's a big difference. So it's really Not In My Bed, which is an entirely different thing than what NIMBY implies.

[Traci H]

I might suggest a therapist again. She really wants no part of it as it is my problem. Earlier attempts with such seemed to put the onus on her to accept some and she wants no part of that. In a couple of other arguments she had tossed the D word at me. I never would toss that out as I honor my vows. Just hurts.

[kimdl93]

I made pretty much every mistake one could make in terms of coming out, frequency and extent of dressing in her presence and in being tone deaf or self-deceiving about her attitude towards my cross dressing. The consequence was divorce. I do not recommend my approach.

[DeeDone]

Well, you are together for 50 years, and she has known for 40, that probably means you got away with your secrete for 10 years. I think that may be part of your problem, partners are not supposed to have those kinds of secretes, tantamount to lying. So every time you dress, or have your wardrobe in view it re-opens that wound for her. How did she find out, did you sit down and explain it to her and apologize for not saying anything in the beginning or did she catch you-? If the tables were reversed it would matter to me. Supposed after 10 years you caught her doing something you find disgusting, say...being with barn yard animals, (I know that's extreme), so 40 years later you come home and there is a sheep and goat living in your back yard... That would certainly bother me...

Look, I dress and I get it, you probably did not want to say anything for fear of embarrassment or losing her or whatever reason. At this point decide what's important to you, her-your marriage or dressing, this obviously bothers her and it's not fair to make her live with it. If this were my situation I would stop poking the tiger and put her first, but we are all different.

DD

[Stephanie47]

I accepted my wife's non-acceptance decades ago. I clearly remember the time when she and I went to Meryn's at my prodding to buy me panties for my birthday. It was a terrible experience for her. She was physically upset, trembling. It was then that I realized that my pushing, prodding, nudging was nothing less than spousal mental abuse. I figured out that my pushing her was my attempt to have her valid my desires to wear women's clothing: If she accepted it, then it must be alright. I did not need her approval for myself to valid who I am. She knows what I do, dislikes it, but is not a raving lunatic about it, searching for my clothing or making insulting comments. Not too long ago, when she was clearing out nighties that no longer fit her, she told me to take what I wanted. When we had "The Talk" decades ago, she said "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" Yes, I would love it, if she fully accepted and participated, but it isn't going to happen. There are valid reasons why she wants nothing to do with my needs. After 50+ years of marriage, she knows I checked off all the boxes a woman would want in a husband, but he has a little kink.

[Meg]

I let my first wife know of my penchant for wearing women's clothes while we were dating. But it became her reason for divorce, even though I did not fully dress at any point in our marriage. Panties and hose were as far as I went. I never discussed it while dating my second wife, however, she did know that I preferred panties to men's briefs and was ok with that, provided they were not too frilly.. I thought I could leave my dressing behind and never fully divulged my innermost desires before marriage. When I tried to have the "talk" a couple years into our marriage, it was not well received. She did accept underdressing and tights and hose. There were times she would say to me, I cannot believe you have not put on something more comfortable, meaning slipping into some pantyhose or stockings and garter after coming home from work. Since her passing, I have added to my wardrobe and dressing. But I would give it all up to have her back.

[JohnH]

Just a suggestion: Wear your feminine articles of clothing as a man, using your real masculine name as I have done. That might be less intimidating than if you use your feminine persona. I present like a woman all the time while retaining my masculine gender designation and name.

John

[MistyCD]

I too had to hide my dressing from my wife. Although I think shew knew a little bit about it as I always wore the skinny thong sandals outside during the summer months. She would say 'those shoes are girly.' Unfortunately she came down with cancer and passed away. I dress full time now 24/7 and almost all of my family is deceased as well. So I can get away with it. Sometimes patience is required. As far as having no secrets from each other, that is plain BS. The stuff I found cleaning out closets and clothes will amaze anyone as to what kind of secrets that wives have from their husbands.

[Helen_Highwater]

As someone who's recently "Had the talk" and now finds themselves firmly in a DADT situation I would say that the phrase, "out of sight, out of mind" would seem to apply to your position.

Perhaps reducing the amount of bras etc, putting a few things into boxes out of the way, just making things less visible, would reduce the pressure to a level were things can be felt to be less confrontational. A demonstration that you've understood her feelings and are trying to find a compromise.

[Maria 60]

I'm very sorry about your situation and hopefully there will be some light at the end of the tunnel. I also took a small step back. I wrote about my neighborhood started getting very dangerous and my wife was feeling uncomfortable being home alone so I cut out my Friday drives. Once everything started to settle I was hoping to get back out and then my wife had the talk with me that as little risk as it was to drive around in a tinted window car, it was a risk and asked me if I could not go anymore. Even though I shouldn't complain at least she's still ok with me dressing with her around it still felt like a step back. I hope things get better for you soon.

[BrendaPDX]

We are in the DADT environment, she knows from the few (very few) oversights by me, but has made it clear that even this is too much information.

[Traci H]

You know, I was always optimistic that if I slowly put some of this out in the open, she might accept it. Seems like that strategy has not yielded good results.

With that in mind, I culled down my woman?s tee shirts in our shared closet. Some packed away, others in bag to go back to the thrift store. I will do the same with my panty drawer. My bras and forms will go into a secret stash spot I have. Trying to keep it out of sight and mind. She mentioned she thought I had too many face creams, etc, so those will be disposed or hidden as well. I hope to make her at ease in our home and realize I have pushed the boundaries. Of course we have not really established those, so a talk about such may occur in the future.

I thank you all for your thoughts and help. It?s an ongoing adventure, that?s for sure.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Traci :hugs:, Well you already know what you have to do, Lets get it Done, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**