thoughts for discussion- #1 Coming out to friends

[Jamie M]

Well i thought it might be a fun idea to start a new series for discussion on topics that seem close to many of us.To start us off , something that has bothered me this week , coming out to friends.

I have made this revelation quite a few times in my youth to select friends who i thought might be receptive and whilst none reacted negatively i can say that without exception that they all drifted from my life within a year or two after a steady decline in friendship since the disclosure.

What is this need we feel to reveal our inner selves to those close to us ?
What do we hope to gain from it and is it worth the risk associated with it ?
Is it better to just keep this secret to ourselves and let our friends see us how they want to see us ?
Is it enough just to know for ourselves who we are without having to be open about it ?
What's the best and worst reaction that you could wish for and how would it realisticly affect your friendsip ?

discuss :)

[BrookeMckayla]

Good questions. Some I am struggling with. There are a certain couple of friends I feel the need to disclose to. I think mainly it's guilt that drives me. I don't enjoy being dishonest and I feel like I'm hiding from them. I just want to be myself. And the other thing is that they cut into my 'me' time and I my 'me' time has come to be all about Brooke.

I want to tell my friend. I'm pretty sure he can handle it. He's a lawyer and he's active in the GLBT community. In fact, if I told him I would probably have access to more local GLBT information than I can shake a stick it and I would have someone to introuce me to people in the local scene.

But, I'm afraid things just won't be the same if I tell him. I fear just what you said had happened to you. I'm sure he'll be ok with it initially, but I fear he will slowly drift off.

The other thing is that, as mature as he is, I'm afraid he won't be mature enough to handle this information. He still has that boyish, crude, bathroom sense of humor that I don't really find very appealing in the first place.

But . . .I guess that's a guy for you, eh? One of those qualities that made me feel like I am not a guy. I don't fit in with all that crudeness. I never did. I cringe sometimes when I hear it . . .it's just not that funny. With most guys, they won't talk that way when females are present, but not with him. He doesn't care, he says what he wants, doesn't really matter who is around.

With that said, beyond his negative qualities, he is a really great guy (otherwise I wouldn't be friends with him). He's a Constitutional scholar--a fearless liberty and freedom loving dude. I need people like that in my life. I'd hate to lose him.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Julia

I came out to the world because I got tired of living a secret life. keeping secrets is like a big juggling act, and you're constantly given more balls to keep in the air. After 50 years of this my arms got tired, and I just couldn't do it anymore.

I've lost a couple of "friends", at least I thought they were...guess not. Somehow I've managed to survive without them. For the most part, people are happy for me because they see I'm happy. I've found that those that loved you before finding out still do, the others still don't, and I really don't care about them.

Karen

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Julia,

While I've posted this link before, I'll include it here as it answers many of the questions you raise: Coming Out (http://www.transsexual.org/Out.html)


What is this need we feel to reveal our inner selves to those close to us ?

Acknowledgement :we want - need - to be seen for who we truly are. Acknowledgement is validation - plain and simple. Coming out to those closest to us is external validation of our 'self'.


What do we hope to gain from it and is it worth the risk associated with it ?


Acceptance: Acknowledgement is good and important, but what we all want is acceptance. More than to be seen for who we truly are, we want to be accepted for who we truly are. We want people to like the real us. The risk here is that while we may be acknowledged, we may not be accepted.


Is it better to just keep this secret to ourselves and let our friends see us how they want to see us ?


The best answer I have ever seen with regards to this was posted by Susiej : The bifurcated self of the closeted T-girl (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=393541)


Is it enough just to know for ourselves who we are without having to be open about it ?


See the above and the whole thread on Self Acceptance (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=393541). Susie makes an important point:

As long as you, yourself, accept and honor what you are, you can keep part of yourself in the closet, if that's what is best for you.
For me, I'm 'out' by action. I do it for me because I can not continue to pretend to be something I'm not. Being / coming out is a very personal thing and there is no 'one size fits all answer'.


What's the best and worst reaction that you could wish for and how would it realisticly affect your friendsip ?


The best: To have the whole issue be a 'non-issue'. So far that has been the case with the people with whom I have actually sat down and discussed this.

The worst: Complete rejection. While this hasn't happened yet, my feeling is that if this is the type of person they are, why would I want them to be a part of my life?


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Cheery GG]

Hi JUlia,

Not sure if this is open to gg's but im gonna butt in anyway !

I think for me, the constant little white lies are what get me down, not being completely honest....having to watch your back all the time, to check your little white lie didnt trip you up....

I would much rather be honest....i cant lie straight to save my life.....but the risk of loosing my family is too great.....so i will continue with the little white lies, i'll get good at it one day....

cheery
xx

[Jamie M]

cheery of course you're welcome lovey , keep plugging away lassie you always have such thoughful responses

[~Dee~]

ive just about finished telling all my friends that im transexual and that things will be changing soon.

of all my friends i had one bad experience and one slightly shakey one that ended up being rethought and also went into the fine pile.

i was determined to start things right. i didnt want to hide myself and just wait and see if people started to put the pieces together .. i wanted them to know, i figured they deserved that much and the way i see it hiding it leads to shame and shame to hurt .. and ive had enough of that already.

all my friends and family are supportive, incl. my lovely wife.
and just before my school went on break i spoke to a room full of my lecturers and informed them that i would be attending school next year female ..

i dont know what it did to them or how my friends will take it when i start dressing differently to visit them.
but i do know that it helped me greatly.
im not afraid.
im proud of who i am and i was able to stand up among the fear ... well actually total terror in some instances .. and tell people that this is who i really am ..

sounds kind of after school specially to me .. but its the truth .. im really proud that i faced it all.
and having done so i know that i am ready to move ahead with this change.

D.

[Ann lee]

I was lucky for the most part, i only lost two friends, the rest where cool with it, Plus i told them that i was bi and crossdressing. And now i go shopping with friends and look at others, and we all have a blast, but my family on the other hand, only a sister and uncle and aunt know, the rest i don't think could handle it!!!

[barbaracd]

I think it's better to keep your secret than to share. I personally couldnot tell any of my friends for fear of rejection.I tried to come out to my wife but she was no responsive. so i'm back inthe closet and have met someone here that i can share my crossdressing with and not feel rejected. Better to be safe than sorry.

[Teresa Amina]

still has that boyish, crude, bathroom sense of humor that I don't really find very appealing in the first place

Sure, but girly that I am inside I can fake that with the best of them! A survival technique I learned real fast in the Navy. Perhaps your friend is compensating a bit too much for his own inner self?;)

[HaleyPink2000]

Yeah a week ago I was playing around on the PC and was copy and pasting things off of a Blog from one of the girls on here. It was a neat story about a politician, very political. Well, when I sent it I had with out my knowing sent the complete blog page. It was a very TG page, very girlie. I sent it to everyone in my e-mail list. Not good! My Church everyone got a copy of it.

The first thing on the page was a dirty joke and wow I was so thinking I was outed to everyone in the world. Well, it turns out that most of them took it as funny and the ones that did not comment I don't really care about anyway. The ones that did comment mostly sent me back comments like, your retired now and bored Huh? LOL

Anyway, It was not so good a thing to do. So read what you send over e-mail before you hit the send button. I mean READ the complete page not just in a little window.

[sherri]

Sadly, I can't think of a single friend with whom I feel I could share the secret without negative results. I know a couple of them would write me off on the spot. One, a woman, would try to be cool about it, but I think it would still alter our relationship for the worse. The rest, I dunno. Maybe I'm being too cynical, but I don't think so. The reminders are all around us that so many people still view us as a perversion. I would also worry that I am not attractive enough to be seen as anything but a caricature, and so would embarrass them even if they did want to embrace me -- maybe it would be different if I were younger and prettier.

[Caitlintgsd]

I've rather treated it as a need to know sort of thing. I don't hide it but I don't advertise it either. I use the same last name in the case of either gender. I'm sure that if somebody were to google it they'd find the both of me as the city I live in is not large and the last name is unusual for this location.
I'm fairly sure that a lot of people at work know or suspect and that doesn't bother me either.
Last year at Pride I walked straight into one of my so's best friends. It occurred in one of the fenced areas where they had embibements. She was looking at me a lot. Whether she recognized me or not I'm not sure. She did have a quieter approach to me for a few months afterward but the subject never came up. She simply may not have had a desire to disclose why she was at the Pride festival as well.

[Sandra]

Nigella and me only told our close friends that was last year, one was the family next door they just said "yeah so what" and hugged us both, they also told their children who at the time were 7 & 5 and the kids were great, full of questions it's a pity some adults aren't more like kids.

The other was another family and we had the same reaction from the wife, but the husband is still a bit uncomfortable round Nigella but does not ignore her.
They have two daughters one aged 14 and the other 16, both girls are fine with Nigella in fact the 16 year old keeps saying how much she admires her and always comments on her clothes.

We told them because the time was right and we was getting so fed up when ever the doorbell rang, Nigella having to run upstairs out of the way and not being able to go out in our own town in broad daylight. As for other people that have found out most are ok, there is one family that we don't see or hear from much but hey that is their loss not ours.