It was not my intention

[Maria 60]

When I responded to the "So how many years now" post I mentioned to my wife how the years have pasted. I mentioned to her the night that I told her about my dressing it was wear pantyhose and a slip, do the dirty deed and take everything off as soon as possible then feel guilty and promised myself I will never do that again. Now I'm sitting here fully dressed with a wig, jewelry, breast forms and a wardrobe of my own and asking myself how did I get to this point. I don't believe this was ever my intention to one day totally dress as a women and now it barely ever ends with the dirty deed and instead of ripping my clothes off I now hang them in my fem closet. I told her it started with pantyhose and slips and she bought me my first bra and panties and started handing clothes down to me. Then when I joined this community was when the wig and breast forms, jewelry and makeup came into the picture. I told my wife this was never my intention to be dressed and act totally as a women and now questioning how amazing how I got to this point. I'm now sitting here and trying to remember at what point when everything came along and when the dirty deed also drifted away and it became just being comfortable in this fem mood. Thanks to CarlaWestin for that post that really made me realize how far I really came and how I never thought of being so complete as a women. I'm wondering when you look back is the situation your in now with your dressing, is it what you intended it to be?

[alwayshave]

Maria, None of my dressing was ever intended. It was just something that internally I needed to do.

[Sabine7]

I started years ago from "borrowing" my wife's transparent high heel mules and garter belt with nylons. It was experimenting with this kind of stuff to get aroused. I could not refuse to do.
I bought the stuff for my wife for having a joy together but finally I used to be the only user.
Meanwhile I discovered my feminine site and fall into a rabbit hole of cross-dressing. It was a turning point without return, crossing my own Rubicon.
Next milestones were buying my first bra, dress, wig and shoes...

[chrissy111]

As a young boy I always wanted to wear pretty clothes, so I guess yes this is how I intended my life to be. I was just lucky to have found a girl who loved me for me.

[Stephanie47]

As a boy growing up in the 1950's and 1960's it definitely was not my intention to willingly wear my mother's attire. As I have stated many times, it started with being drawn to the feel of my mother's nylon full slips and nightgowns. I had zero interest or feelings of becoming or yearning to be a woman. It was not until puberty and raging hormones that my interests expanded to my mother's bra and granny panties, girdle and stockings. Yes, as with most boys there was some element of the "dirty deed" but that was with or without the attire...think Playboy magazine. There was self loathing and disgust. Yes, I thought I was destined for hell. There was no internet. The only book in the public library was the Kinsey Report, kept behind the main checkout counter. It was not going to be circulated to the prying eyes of youth. As I grew in body size my mother's clothes did not fit. After the disaster of snapping a strap on her sole black bra I stopped. I was about 18 years old.

Fast forward and I was now six years older and had survived as an infantryman in Vietnam, acquiring the residual lifetime effects of attracting small metal objects into my body. My world view changed. Ignoring for this post "The Talk" with my wife I realized I was not "defective." Slowly, my journey was like creeping lava: first a nightgown and hosiery, followed by a slip and panty, followed by a bra. There was some trial and error with buying ill fitting dresses, but I finally got a handle on that. High heels and finally that buy it at Halloween real wig.

I never intended for any of this to happen. Why would any male want to risk all by donning women's clothing and emulating a woman? It doesn't make sense, other than there is some inner component to one's DNA chain.

[docrobbysherry]

Yes, well everything changes as we age, Maria. Including sex!:o

How old were u when u first started dressing and "tore everything off"? And, how old r u now?:battingeyelashes:

I imagine these things change for couples, too. After that newly wed, dive into bed often", period wears off!:heehee:

[JulieC]

It's never been my intention to get to some level of crossdressing that I thought...there's where I want to be. For me too, it started out with pantyhose. I've had a near life-long love of pantyhose. I've been wearing pantyhose to bed now since before the beginning of the year, and always find myself rubbing my legs together. I was just thinking about this last night, thinking to myself "it never gets old!". My crossdressing has evolved over the years. It was a long, long time before I had anything of my own that was something other than pantyhose. It keeps on evolving. I too have found myself completely en femme and wondered about my pathways to it.

It's not so much of an intention to get to a certain point though. It's really about trying to be absolutely true to myself, express my gender identity in all respects as my true me feels and wants to be expressed. It's very subjective. It's also a bit of a moving target. What I thought and felt when I was 20 was not the same as 30, or 40, or... It will keep changing. Last year, I had many months in which I could dress as much (or little) as I wanted to at home. That changed things. My femme self, repressed for decades and resigned to brief moments of being let out, has refused to be pushed back into the box. I'm not sure where this all goes, but it is changing.

[bridget thronton]

Thoughtful post as always Maria

[Helen_Highwater]

Certainly early on I hadn't idea of where this rabbit hole would take me. No plan or goal but at the same time a desire to improve my presentation. Discontent with simply being within 4 walls drove me to, well, drive. Out at night, changing in the car, exploring the highways and byways and later finding secluded places to park and leave the safety of the car to walk such short distances.

The Internet was a game changer. Photo sites with hundreds of people like me. The discovery of not being alone, isolated.

I don't think I at any point had an intended point of aiming. It has been more of one step leading to another, all in a general direction but without a road map to guide me.

And of course the forum. Learning from others and admiring their exploits urged me onward to experience so much more.

Looking back it's obvious to me now just how chaotic a journey it has been at times. What I have learned has given me as I get older more control of what comes next but even then, where and what I do is largely determined by what life throws at me. Opportunities present themselves, so I can take, others are kept out of reach. Makes life interesting at least.