Does the defendant plead guilty?

[Julie York]

I am in the enviable position of being able to do whatever I want to in my own home. I am also probably more of a 'hobbyist' CD than the more driven members here so don't have any great internal pressure to dress. I do it because the urge, or kink, is upon me. And it's fun.
So forgive me if I am seeing this from an outsider's point of view.

I have read post after post of people sneaking around, hiding things and then being in a state of alarm because they might get caught, or they might have left something visible or which could be discovered. Now, I understand that perfectly, because even though I am free to do whatever I want in my own home I still might leave out something or be 'discovered' by a relative or friend who pops by. It's scary stuff. It nags at you because you are vulnerable and open to ridicule and abuse.

So to the point.....I have seen posts by GGs who say, it isn't so much the dressing that hurts them, but the deception and lack of trust and lack of communication which hurts them. No-one at all feels good about being lied to do they? Some GGs, point blank, hate the whole idea of CD stuff but it is being lied to that hurts more or just adds to the fury. Fair enough. But as an 'outsider' of that dynamic, I am asking out of genuine interest here....Why don't you sit down and try to understand each other? If it is a life partner, why don't you have a meeting where you listen to her fears and objections and disgust and concerns? And in return try and explain (I know it's almost impossible) why you feel as you do and why you feel the need to do what you do? I know it is easy for me to say all this but if you are deceiving someone you love, you must feel guilty. And that's a horrible horrible feeling.

[alwayshave]

Julie, Divorce is expensive. Guilt less so.

[Brynna M]

A respectful rational discussion is the ideal but humans aren't ideal creatures. Feelings of anger and betrayal or shame and defensiveness are strong. Some times too strong. Both people would have to have to desire and capacity to set aside these emotions. That's no small request.

[docrobbysherry]

How can we explain it, Julie? When we don't understand it or where we're going with it ourselves?:eek:

I started throwing on a few bits of fem clothing for sexual excitement 30 years ago. If I had confessed to my wife at the time I would have been lying!:sad:

And, if anyone had told me then Sherry would become the driving force in my life? I would have laffed in their face! :tongueout

[Traci H]

Julie, it all makes sense on paper. That?s where the logic ends. As Brynn?s states, humans are often far from logical for the most part. I wish my wife and I could approach it logically. Keep some boundaries etc. But huge emotional factors and expectations come into play. Sometimes you have to hide some things even if they sort of know. Guilt? Just a small by product that can be present but tolerated in order to maintain a relationship. What?s a CD to do? Destroy an otherwise good marriage?

[JulieC]

Julie, I have a dear friend who I was engaged to a very, very long time ago. We remain very close friends (with my wife's knowledge and approval). She knows about my crossdressing, but I didn't tell her until a few years ago, many years after we broke up. She asked me once if I would have told her before we got married (had we gotten married). I told her that no, I wouldn't have told her. I was at a point in my life where I had only just barely become to accept myself. The disgust with myself was real. I tried hard to suppress crossdressing. Joined the military, did purges, etc. None of it worked. I was struggling to even talk to myself about it. How could I have been able to talk to her? It just wasn't possible at the time.

Fast forward ~10 years from us breaking up, I'd gotten to a level of self acceptance where I finally understood it was never going away. I'd somewhat recently gone through a semi-bad breakup with another young lady at the time, who knew of my crossdressing, but was disgusted by it. I was made to feel not normal by her. It tore at our relationship, among other things. I resolved that, getting back into the dating scene, I wasn't going to waste time on anyone anymore. I would tell them early on in dating, after they'd gotten a chance to understand who I was and what I had to offer to a relationship. If they broke it off, fine, they just saved me some time. I was going to keep doing this until I found someone who accepted ALL of me, and not just begrudging acceptance. I had resolved that I was going to live to my true self as a crossdresser, and if that meant being single then that meant being single. Not long after that, I met my wife. Two months after we started dating, I told her. A couple of days after that, she bought me pantyhose. The rest is history.

So, from my perspective, not telling can be strongly based on not being able to tell yourself.

I also agree with alwayshave above; guilt is less expensive than divorce. This forum has many tales of crossdressers trying to gauge their wives' acceptance level of crossdressing without actually telling them. There's never a good measure. Someone can be accepting to others but once it's in their house, they can't tolerate it. There's no way to know for sure. There's also no way to un-ring the bell. Once you tell, that's it. Either she accepts (at some level) or your getting divorced. There's also the reality that some crossdressers have kids, and don't want to go through divorce because of it. They'd rather stay very deep in the closet than risk divorce in that scenario.

So, it's complicated. I count myself blessed that my wife is accepting. But, I had a direct hand in making that happen by telling early on. Not everyone was fortunate enough to have been at a time of their self acceptance journey that they could do that. They're making the best of a bad situation.

[TheHiddenMe]

I listen to and have read Dan Savage for years. He says, and I agree, that married individuals have the right to some erotic privacy.

My wife knows I dress, and has for years. Do I tell her everything? No. For example, my weekly blog post at Kandi's. Does she know? Nope. I've told the wife of a friend I dress (I had a good reason to out myself). The friend is incredibly supporting. My phone outed me to my wife's best friend. Did I tell my wife about either of these? No.

Do I feel guilty? Eff no. My wife really doesn't need to know and not knowing doesn't harm her. It makes me happier and if I'm happier I'm a better husband.

Everyone here is the expert on how to handle their spouse, and there is no one size fits all answer.

[nvlady]

My ex-wife knew there were two sides to any story, but both sides were her sides. Don't even attempt to tell her what you feel because she knows her way is the only way.

[Debs]

Julie, its nothing to do with anyone else, its an internal thing with yourself, should i dress or not, I decided to dress, so everyone around me has to accept that,Ive no need to hide it from them. now if you decide to dress and hide it, thats a whole new world of pain. This is from my point of view by the way. See what I mean, non of it makes sense, no matter which way you go. Ive just chatted for 2 minutes and Im back to the beginning, lol

[CharlotteCD]

If a man is vulnerable in front of a woman, it'll kill 95% of relationships. Men cannot cry. Men cannot be feminine. Men cannot be weak.

It kills the sexual element and the respect because 95% of women will say "No it doesn't, we are not that shallow", but it does.

I look forward to a GG coming in and telling me that I am wrong, which would be the ultimate hypocrisy considering how some of them talk about men on her with a broad brush.

[Kayy]

Telling someone always carries the risk that they will not accept it. Years ago I told my (then) partner. I thought she’d be ok with it as she always appeared to be liberal and open minded, well as it happened she wasn’t with me, and that was the end of that relationship. I then decided to keep it to myself. When my wife found out she was initially confused, then angry at me for hiding it. Luckily she now accepts and supports me, and likes me getting dressed en femme. I know I’m very lucky, but it could have gone the other way.

[Sabine7]

My wife knows about the female side of my nature and it used to be not too often that she gave me a single part of her clothes that I was allowed to wear for hours for fun. However, I don't expect her to accept me dressed from the head to toe as a woman with breast forms, wig and in high heels.

[chrissy111]

My wife is my life partner, so the thought of hiding anything from her just feels wrong in my opinion. She knew about me long before we married, and as much as I love her, I would never have married her if she felt differently about my other side. IMHO I feel that telling your partner/future partner is the only way to make sure your relationship is honest. Whether we are accepted or rejected it's the only fair thing for both involved.

[audreyinalbany]

a thing that no one has yet brought up is that many of these relationships are long standing and unwritten rules and interaction strategy's have been baked in since we were very young married folks. And, while I didn't hide my crossdressing from my wife, it wasn't a big part of my life back when we were married. It's changed and evolved over the years and has gone the usual route, from garter belts and stockings to full on padding and wigs and going out in the world. so as these things gradually change and the basic rules and guidelines (unspoken but genuine) don't, it becomes a bigger and bigger elephant in the room. At what point do you 'out' yourself to your SO, when you buy your first 'costume shop" wig? When you finally get up the nerve to buy your own bra? When you fill a coupe of stocking with birdseed for breast prostheses? it's a slippery slope and since it changes so slowly it can be a hard discussion to have. Thats where counseling and and outside opinion can help.
Now mind ou,, this is easy for me because I'm one of those who don't live and breathe my crossdressing proclivities. It's a fun outlet for me and I find it enormously satisfying for reasons unknown. If I were truly transsexual or dysphoric it would be a much different situation. But as it is, it has taken somewhat a crisis and some counseling together us where we are today. Not that we don't have a way to go, but it is a process.

[ChrisP]

Let's be fair to ourselves: most of us thought we could control these desires. Only in very recent times have mainstream psychologists started to acknowledge that these desires about embracing femininity don't go away. They of course split on what those implications are (embrace vs coping strategies to minimize the feelings).

No one helped us come to the conclusion that this is a lifelong condition.

A spouse saying that "it's the lying that hurt me" are being disingenuous; if their partner had told them from the get go they would have held it against them. Saying that the problem is "the lying" means that the issue can't be overcome. The "lie" is past behavior that can't be corrected. The facts are you either make an effort to accept this aspect of your partner or you find a way to exit the relationship in as responsible manner as possible. Both are completely valid responses, and accepting doesn't mean participation.

This is a hard sexuality to have. It makes relationships difficult, it absolutely means you have to hide things from friends and family to maintain healthy relationships, and it means feeling lonely quite a lot of times. And it's not something that you can make go away.

I think we deserve some compassion and kind regard, which isn't to say that we aren't sometimes selfish (but then again who isn't selfish at times??).
I didn't choose this, and I spend my life dedicated to helping others in my professional work.
Feeling guilty about desires I didn't choose isn't something I willing to waste another minute on

[Kitty S]

“I didn't choose this, and I spend my life dedicated to helping others in my professional work.
Feeling guilty about desires I didn't choose isn't something I willing to waste another minute on”

Chris you hit the nail on the head for me, I didn?t choose this path but together with my wife I?m figuring it out. It took a year for me to not feel guilty and ashamed after dressing.

[Maria 60]

It took the morning weeks into our marriage my wife left for work early that I put on her pantyhose. I sat sitting on the edge of the bed wearing her pantyhose for hours just trying to figure out what I was going to do. First it wasn't fair that I was wearing her things without her knowing and I realized how real this was and it wasn't going to leave me. I married a very traditional European women and I knew telling her wasn't going to go well. I didn't want to live the way I have till that point and I wasn't going to live a life of a fugitive. That same night I told her and expecting her to go crying back to her mother. I told her everything from the first time I put on my sisters pantyhose up to that same morning I put on hers Instead she asked a lot of questions and we talked and she wanted to know where I wanted to go with it. That was almost fourty years ago. She was upset I didn't tell her before marriage but did understand my situation of the embarrassment but did respect that she was the only one I ever told. I took a chance, but my biggest thing was I didn't want to live a life of hiding and lying and like you said always worried it might come out some how. I took the chance but I also prepared myself there was a very good chance I was going to lose her. I have so much respect for her because of this, I told her 1986 and there really was no internet or information about this, she basically went into this blind. It really is a tuff situation and it could really go any way. Thank goodness the way it went because I really would have missed a great life with her and my family if she would have left me over it.