Support Group Experiences

[Claire Dee]

Hi All,

I was curious what sort of experiences some of you may have had with CD support groups, what they were like and what it felt like the first time you may have shown up as a new person to the group. TBH it is very daunting to me.

Thank you.

Claire

[Phoebe Reece]

Claire, CD support groups vary greatly from one another. Some provide more support for crossdressers than others. Some concentrate their support on those that are transitioning. Depending on where you are located you might have a choice between several groups. I am on the administrative board of a crossdresser support group based in Atlanta, Georgia that tries to serve the Southeastern USA. I've been a member of the group for more than 20 years. I was nervous the first time I attended one of their meetings, but the members there welcomed me warmly and it didn't take long for me to feel very much at home. Our group is very much about support and part of our monthly meetings involves a couple of hours where all our members and visitors can discuss anything about how crossdressing is impacting their lives. We go out in public a lot and generally try to enjoy mixing with others who may not know much about crossdressers. If you (or anyone reading this post) wants more information about the group I am part of, just send me a Private Message and I will get back to you.

[mykell]

my first time attending a support group was PFLAG....the first time i went in drab to case the joint so to say....my next time was dressed.
it was a positive experience and i credit my position of where i am at present.

i had my own meet up group.

i have volunteered at a thrift store.
i presently volunteer at a art center.
i go out regularly even with the current climate.

[Debs]

Hmm support groups ok sort off, best thing I ever did was go to my local lgbt bar, just sat there like a rabbit caught in the headlights, wasnt long before a group of lesbians noticed me , dragged me over to them. There ya go found myself at home, hook line and sinker. Never looked back after that

[Genifer Teal]

The experience i'm relaying, happened back in 2001. I can't speak for how things have changed. With the internet and more information and you can also chat and meet people online, I would imagine that's had an impact.

It's kind of like halloween any day of the year. Just about anything is accepted. My concern was, why would I want to be around other crossdressers? While some may look for that interaction, if you know what I mean, that was not my thing and never has been. I thought it would feel awkward being around others dressed like me. It wasn't at all. It was the start of my path to accepting myself. Surrounding myself with accepting others.Help me get there. The meetings took place very privately. Some would go out afterwards to a local l g b t bar. It took me several meetings before I felt I had the confidence to go with them to this establishment. I was slowly building my confidence and my curiosity to explore further. I found a party in new york city and decided to go. I met some old friends. I met some new friends.I had a wonderful time. That began my exploration of new york city. Going to the support group was the catalyst behind it all. Was there really support? I don't know. The main thing there was was camaraderie. All the girls sharing makeup tips and where to get things. Just knowing I wasn't alone was the support I needed. Hope you go and find the support you need.

[SaraLin]

Back in the day, when I was still single and not under the "no going out" rule, I attended a group in the central Florida area.

The group would meet in a rented hotel suite at the time and it was big enough to house the meetings.
They were very open and accepting, but I faded away from the group for a couple reasons.

They wanted me to join Tri-Ess. I wasn't ready for that back then.

I was terribly shy and insecure about my -well- everything, I guess. So, I mostly ended up fading into a corner and not mingling.

I was both terribly envious and disturbed by some of the members.
There was one member who was BEAUTIFUL and could easily live out her life as a woman if she wished.
Others were very much men in dresses. The walked, talked, and acted very male. Some would even sit there in short skirts, man-spread, and showing their "unmentionables" - not exactly a flattering look.


So - overall, I'd have to say that my problem with the group was my own lack of acceptance of myself and unwillingness to embrace my place in their membership. These days, If I weren't under spousal house arrest, I think I'd be happy to rejoin. They were a great group then, and I see that they're still going strong.

I'd say "Don't let your fears stop you. The odds are that you'll meet a great group of people who will understand and welcome you into the fold."

[alwayshave]

I do not belong to a support group per se. There are several meetup groups here in the DC area which meet semi-regularly where the girls meetup dressed at a local hotel, restaurant or bar. You can be as engaged or a fly on the wall as you want to be.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

I was a member for the local support group in my area.

It depends on the group, members and who runs it.

The local group when from being inclusive to crossdressers are not welcome or barely tolerated.

Then the group went from being about support to being about political activism.

Those of us who just wanted a safe space to dress were excluded.

I left.

[Helen_Highwater]

I've experienced two. The first, was held in a private room in a hotel. I'd emailed the secretary beforehand to check if it was OK for me to attend and told please yes come along. I had to park on the road outside the hotel and can remember feeling very nervous as I entered the hotel and my heels sounding to me like gunshots on the marble flooring and staircase as I made my way downstairs to the meeting room. Went in found the secretary who welcomed me. I then looked around, saw a spare chair at a table with others sitting around it, asked if I could join them and 10 minutes later it was like we were old friends. All my nerves had eased and we chatted about our shared experiences. The venue the group meets in has changed but it's still going and still supporting new members.

The second group met in a private room above a bar/bistro. All were welcoming in fact my first encounter was in the bistro beforehand as I'd arrived early to get something to eat first. Got talking to 3 or 4 others doing the same and we all went to the meeting together. Over the years the group reduced as more of the gurls gained ever more confidence and simply started going to pubs and clubs around the area no longer feeling the need of the safety blanket of the group. The sad passing of the groups organiser signalled the final demise of the formal group but a few still met in a pub for a chat and a drink once a month.

So I would say that my experiences have been positive. Even if the vibe of the group isn't for you it's a catalyst to get you out in public and might be enough to give you the confidence to take the next steps to independent outandaboutery.

[Jenn A116]

Claire, you are at the perfect point to join a support group. Yes, that first step is a hard one. That's why they call them "support groups".

I've been a member of my local group (FEM Florida) for about 3 years now and have made some great friends. I've gone out to places I never would have had the courage to do on my own. Even more important, my wife has become acquainted with some of the other wives and finally sees that we are all so "normal".

Disclaimer: I'm currently VP of FEM Florida so I might be a bit biased. But I think not.

[Claire Dee]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful responses. I am, by nature, a bit anxious and can be introverted especially in new situations. It is very tempting to go and my wife is certainly pushing me to go and meet likeminded people. It sounds like a few of who have found some pretty ideal situations in your groups.

[CharlotteCD]

I have never felt like it's a comfortable space for me. I do not feel like I share the same outlook and experiences of many cross dressers. The sexual element of dressing is something I have no interest in hearing about from others, yet there will always be exhibitionists who want to share that if the group isn't moderated in the same way as this forum.

Then you have the people who absolutely have to go out. Again, not me.

Ultimately I would be going into a room of people who I may only have a weird dressing sense in common with. I wouldn't hang out with people purely because we have the same blood type or the same colour car, so I just don't get it.

To each their own.

[Di]

We enjoyed it in the very beginning of going out. Meeting others and a safe place .
But we outgrew it and just went out regular places.
It depends on the person ( or couple ) and their lifestyle.

[Fiona_44]

Being among others who won't judge you and will accept you just as you are is very comforting.

[docrobbysherry]

I don't know if they have the kind I started out attending when I first began dressing. That was 25 years ago.

They were held in church meeting rooms, etc. Organized my interested T's or CD's and caring churches, etc. Consisted of once a month gatherings of 8 to 15 folkws, dressed and in drab. We all talked about experiences and issues. Then. went home. Sometimes stayed for pizza and sodas, etc.

But, hearing about others outings to LGBT friendly venues like bars and clubs made me want to go out, too!:heehee:

[Cheryl T]

The first time I went to a meeting I felt like a stranger. Thankfully I was approached by the President of another chapter who saw my distress and suggested her group might be more to my liking. We went the next month to that group and she was right. They were a perfect fit for me. They were outgoing and friendly, helpful and welcoming. We felt so at home and were a part of that group for 13 years before we retired and moved to another state.
Our group helped me grow. I became comfortable in my own skin, at ease in public and everything became so very natural to me. Alas they are no longer. We were an older group, some like us moved away, some passed away.

They are difficult to find now as the younger ladies don't seem to need the security of a group as we older gals preferred. If you can find one I would suggest trying it. It may be just what you seek.

[Sandi Beech]

Some reason I never had any interest in a support group. It is probably because I started off by going to lgbt clubs first, and I was so well accepted I never looked back, similar to what Debs said. Personally I prefer hanging out with a bunch of young accepting women. They have even looked out for me when I had too much to drink one time. I suppose getting positive reinforcement from a group meeting is helpful for some, just not for me. If it helps go for it.

Sandi

[JesseVF]

My only experience is a couple on line gender questioning types of groups which I learned trends much more towards transitioning issues. Sometimes I feel like I would enjoy an in person CD group experience if I could find one in SoCal - as someone said more for camaraderie- but then again not sure how comfortable I would be going.

[Debbie Denier]

In the 80s. The support group was brilliant. It folded in 2004. New support group in 2011 was TG friendly but not CD friendly . So I never went back.

[ChrisP]

I think these can be very useful, but as others have mentioned each group has it's own peculiarities. In other words, the first group you attend may not be the right fit for you (but the only way to find out is to go there).

At the very least you'll be welcomed. The worst that I've personally had happen is being hit on by other members.
I considered the group interactions a positive event in my life.

[Geena75]

Clair, you are hearing so many good things on this thread. I'm sure each group has its own 'vibe.' I've attended several meetings over the last couple of years with the group in Grand Rapids, MI. I think they are as much a social group as support group. I was so nervous at the first meeting I attended. Fortunately, I knew of one member from the forum, so that helped. I mostly just listened in for a while, but made up my mind to get out there, and formally introduced myself. I had been getting out in public already but plagued with the fear of being 'read.' It hit me as I was at the meeting that everyone there knew, and nobody cared or judged. I became relaxed easily and worked to attend more. Sadly, this past year the timing wouldn't work out and I only made it to a meeting in October. I made some really neat friends, and I miss getting out with them, especially beyond the meeting.

This group is really nice and we're all basically friends, the fact that we range from closeted cross dressers to well along the path of transition notwithstanding. I have heard of other groups that are more like drag queens or are fetish oriented -- not so sure I would fit in with them. Do what preliminary work you can so get a sense of what they are about.

[TheHiddenMe]

I'm a member of the St. Louis Gender Foundation, which I would not describe as a support group but more of a social organization. It has a 40 year plus history, meeting in hotel rooms when being out in public was more risky and less accepted. Today we have evolved to essentially a meet-up group with a lunch and a dinner once a month at public restaurants.

For me, the largest motivation for me--and still is today--was telling my wife I was planning to join and that provided me a reason to tell her why I was going out dressed. It was something I could point to and say "I'm going to lunch (dinner)". She still wouldn't necessarily approve, but she couldn't/wouldn't say no.

The secondary benefit was meeting others on the Trans spectrum, from those who just wore some clothes (no makeup) to those who fully transitioned. Hearing their stories was often interesting.

I am aware of the Groucho Marx quip about "I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have me for a member" but having attended meetings on and off (I'm away a lot and when in town often have conflicts) but I'm glad I took the initiative to join.

[Claire Dee]

It is great hearing these many different experiences. I appreciate both sides of the fence, though they do tend to be positive which is good. I have my nerves to work on but it doesn?t seem to have many downsides. I still worry but see a lot of benefits of sharing an experience also.

[April Rose]

Claire, I used to belong to the Tiffany Club, which was one of the few organizations with our own clubhouse. Time after time we would hear from new attendees that they had previously driven to the club , gotten to the door, then been afraid to enter. Some of them several times. Usually some one in the room would add, "me too!"

The main thing is, just take a deep breath, and go. See for yourself. It's not the Citadel. It's just people who like to socialize in pretty clothes.

[Genifer Teal]

April, I remember helping a friend out the first time. She was coming from a different direction where she lived. So we met at the place. I said, call me when you get there and I'll go with you to park and then we'll walk back in together. And that made a huge difference for her. that's how we became fast friends.
When were you with the Tiffany club? Do you recall the Provincetown weekends? How far back do you go?

[April Rose]

Genifer, I go all the way back to the house in Weston. Merrissa Sherrill Lynne met me in the parking lot of the Red Coach grille and guided me to the club. But I only attended sporadically , in Weston and Wayland, until the club moved to Waltham. Joanne, who co-created the Provincetown weekends, was still attending, but sadly, has since passed away.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I had "The Talk" back in the early 1980's she said it was alright with her if I found a support group. I looked and none were to be found. I did find a telephone number in the telephone book (remember those?) or a newspaper (can't remember which) which I called and tried to engage in a conversation as to where I could find cross dresser, etc. The person I talked to was extremely rude and all I could think of in my mind was "I hope he never works a suicide hot line." I do agree with with Charlotte (12) that I would need to have more in common than just wearing female clothing. Over the decades I gained a lot more self acceptance and no longer need affirmation of this quirk.

[Rhonda Jean]

The first one I ever attended was nothing short of GREAT!! I felt totally accepted and at home. I would have attended every meeting if I had lived close enough. The one I attended that was close enough was not a good fit for me. Not bad, just not a fit.

[Stacy Darling]

Hi Claire,

Where I live we have a community of support. NOT just for CD, Les, Trans etc... Its a QUEER community! where we discriminate "less" (honestly)
Its just finding the people to hang out with.

P.s IF you find it daunting? Remember THEY'RE all in the same boat.

[Lori Anne]

I attended a Tri-Ess Meeting, several years ago, in a city a couple of hours away The Chapter was just starting, and I didn't know what to expect, so I would describe it as awkward. The Chapter folded within a year, and I haven't tried another Chapter, yet.

[Jenn A116]

Just to add another point to this discussion, I've found that attending these group meetings inspires me to work on improving my femme presentation. I've met several of the members in both modes and I'm amazed at their transformation. Each meeting I look at the other and get ideas that will help my presentation.

No, I don't view this as a competition. Wanted to add that just in case somebody interpreted this as one. It's just an opportunity to learn. Just like looking at GGs when you are out.