Time is passing

[Maria 60]

I wrote this last Saturday but didn't have time to finish it and it might be a little long I feel I have to explain it in more detail.
My friend came by and we were working on his car, he is a cancer survivor. When he got out of the hospital a few months later he left his wife and sold his business and just took a step back.
My wife brought us coffee but gave him a little bit of the cold shoulder because his wife is her friend. He explained to me that he can't blame my wife for seeing him as a jerk but he explained the situation of sitting in a hospital bed and at times it wasn't going well and death was always in the picture. He told me when you sit there for months you do a lot of thinking, money at that point had no value and he felt like all he did was work and not appreciate life and what he had. He said he loves his X to death but explained when his children came along it became about them in which is normal but when her siblings and aging parents became more priority then him the relationship was already going sour.
He said when he came out of the hospital after two long years she didn't change and he was not going to take the back seat anymore. He wanted to go on a vacation after what he went through but his wife preferred to take care of her aging parents who were in a old age home instead. He was eating dinner one night alone and decided he wasn't going to be in that back seat anymore after what he went through.
I couldn't imagine what he went through but I could imagine something like that would be life changing. I went to have lunch with my wife after he left and I explained what he told me and she kind of understood and believes knowing his X he's was probably right.
My wife then told me that she believed if I would have some type of life changing experience the Maria flood gates would blow wide open. I asked her why she would think that and she told me its not just pantyhose and slips anymore. I have to fully dress now and I just dress and do my normal things and that I actually act and move like a women when dressed, I love being a women. She reminded me that I asked her during the summer how she felt if I went to a venue with someone on this community and she said that once I seen the look of fear in her face that she believes i backed down.
I wrote here that since my wife has been scared at home because of the rising violence in our niebourhood I stopped my Friday drive and during another conversation she thought the drive was a weekness and thought I should keep it in the house. I'm ok with this but it felt like a step back for me, even though I never left the car except to maybe put gas it felt like something to look forward to and a reason to buy new stuff and put on make-up and dress and look my best.
She told me she knows that I miss that drive, she could tell that when I took the drive I was more happy during the week and when Friday came no matter how tierd I was it never stopped me from doing all that work to go out.
I told her that's what a relationship is, not being selfish and thinking about the other person, I'm sure she's not totally happy seeing her husband dressed and looking and acting like a women and I'm not happy that she has to be scared in a house every Friday, it's give and take.
She reminded me its my birthday is in a few weeks and I'm going to be 62, not that I'm getting old but life is passing by and if I want to do something it doesn't have to get to a life changing situation like my friend to do something I may want in my life now. She feels I want to approach my dressing further but she is stopping me, and for me not to leave her over it but for us to talk about it and if I want to open the flood gates we can work something out. My only reaction to what she said was a very emotional look on my face and apologizing to her that she has to deal with this and as much as I do enjoy being like this if I would wake up in the morning and these feeling were gone how much life would be easier for her and us. My wife always sees life that the cup is half full and told me we are both not perfect and there are things I have to deal with her also.
I told her I'm happy we're I am being able to dress when I want and she doesn't mind seeing it and buys and supports what ever I want and couldn't have ever imagined I would have had a wife who would do this for me.
She reminded me again about time going by and I reinsuranced her that I made it this far in life this way why complicate things now at our age and it will complicate things for sure.
She left it as to think about it and she will support whatever I decide, but I told her to leave it where it is and again telling her that I'm very happy where I am.
The problem is that I'm more in favour of not complicating things, she prefers if I want to go out a little in public we should tell our children and closer family so they don't find out elsewhere.
I question myself and that isn't what I want, I know I guess I want the best of both worlds. I can't roll the dice and hope my children except this and take a chance of any conflict that concerns my biggest love of my grandchildren. On the same note why would I want this complication now at my age
I was looking at more of the take a chance and go on the occasional drive and maybe take a chance and hopefully don't bump into anyone or be seen and deal with it if necessary.
I don't want to present as a women to my family and friends and I hope I don't have any life changing situation but I would believe if anything I would still want the same thing and not involve the family. I guess you just don't know until you go through it.
Thanks for listening, its nice to have a family of friends here to vent.

[char GG]

Interesting thread.

As for the night drives, is there some reason that you have to go on your drives alone? Or would taking her along satisfy you need to be out? It seems that then she would not be alone, and you could also do your weekly drive. Just contemplating if there is a solution to make both of you happy.

[Laura912]

What Char suggested is a great idea. Two women together are less likely to attract unwanted attention.

[Suzie Petersen]

Maria,

You and your wife have a truly unique relationship, and the fact that you can even have such conversations is just wonderful to read about. Many people on this forum can only wish for a relationship like that, and I know you appreciate what you have together.
I am very fortunate to also have an understanding and accepting wife, but it was not always like that.

It sounds like you are actually in a pretty good place with regards to your dressing! I know you enjoyed the Friday drives, as you have often talked about them back then, but it does not sound like you are desperate without these outings, but instead understand and appreciate your wife's concerns and boundaries.
As Char just suggested, a compromise could perhaps be that you two go together, but I don't know if your wife is comfortable with that?

For some of us, going out and being among other people while we present as women, is an important part of all this. For some in this group, it is simply just Life, for others like myself it is a temporary fulfillment of dream that will never be taken beyond some sporadic outings.
This need varies widely from person to person, and of course for others the need is not there at all and Dressing at Home is as far as they ever wish to take it.

One option I could suggest that you think about, is to attend one of the events for crossdressers and trans people that are held around the country every year. At such events, you will have the opportunity to meet and interact with others in a totally safe and friendly setting, and if desired, you can even go to restaurants or other places away from the event hotel, to get the feeling of being out in the world as a woman.
The big thing here, is that your wife could go as well and it could be a mini vacation for the two of you, while also giving your wife an opportunity to meet and talk to other wife's and perhaps other CD'ers.

Have a look at the thread I have just posted in the picture section, about my visit to Keystone 2025. That is a perfect example of such an event, and my wife intend to come with me to that next year.

- Suzie

[Rhonda Jean]

"Loves his X to death"... Ha! Warped sense of love there. "Wasn't going to be in the back seat anymore"... That figures. See how that feels if his cancer comes back. At least she won't have to take care of the self-centered old *******.

I don't see how any of his life applies to you at all. I hope it doesn't. You and your wife appear to be very open about things, so there shouldn't be much need in speculation on either side about what's going on in the other one's head. There's nothing wrong with reaching kind of a workable and happy plateau. We should all hope to get there. Contentment isn't giving it, it's just contentment.

Sometimes I think we like to relinquish control of this thing we do to something out in the ether. I'm as mystified as anybody. While I certainly believe there are life changing events, I think that CAN be used as a convenient excuse. Was your friend's "life changing event" surviving cancer? Or was it selling his business and leaving his wife. Let's not bullshit anybody. Sometimes we choose our life changing events. I can't imagine that you're going to encounter something that fundamentally changes you (and neither did your friend). He was "that way" before he had cancer (soft pedaling what I really think). You'll be who you are, for better or worse.

Sometimes it's nice to stop all the ethereal bullshit and deal with who we are and what we do in a concrete way. You and your wife aren't living in the clouds. You do what you do, she accepts it, you've found your way within and around it for a long time. It's a real thing. Often shrouded in mystery, secrecy, shame, guilt, fear, excitement, pleasure, happiness, and wonderment, but a real thing nonetheless. If there's some looming change, the seed of it is already there and you've already been dealing with it. You don't have to wonder if something is going to somehow take control of YOUR life. Hopefully there's more to you as a person than this, and I'm sure there is. Don't be consumed by it or spend a lot of time questioning or worrying, and... Get out and do something else! Nothing wrong with wearing makeup and dresses. There is something wrong with making your whole life and all your thoughts revolve around it (speaking as someone whose done just that!). It can be a really great part of your life, but emphasis on part of your life and you know that and you and your wife have dealt with that successfully. Hope neither of you are wasting a bunch of time just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[bridget thronton]

I am glad you are able to talk and share feelings with each other

[CharlotteCD]

Rhonda Jean.

Go through 3 years of cancer like I did and then call the guy self centred.

Try living in a relationship where you sacrifice every part of you to enable the other person to be happy, only to have it thrown back in your face when you ask for something in return like I did.

You'd walk away too.

[docrobbysherry]

Maria, it's obvious from your posts that care very much for your spouse. Sometimes it seems like more than yourself?:straightface:

But, it sounds like your little drive, what is it, one or 2 hours? Is all u need to satisfy your fem side. Altho, to me that sounds like being satified by painting one fingernail and thinking I'm dressed!

U want to little, so there must be a simple way u can do your drives without your SO freaking out. Like Char's suggestion of her riding along. Or, get a dog and some form of protection so your wife feels safe alone!:thumbsup:

[TheHiddenMe]

Maria,

One of the best posts you have ever written.

Like everyone one else here, our relationships with our spouses, families, and friends evolve over time. I hope yours evolves in a direction that works for both you and your very tolerant wife.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Many different thoughts are running through my head after reading that one.

Here's my 2 cents and they're worth everything you're paying for them.

If you're satisfied with where things are right now then leave them be.

The idea of her joining you on the drives has merit if she wants to. You know her best and can read her reply. Is she being honest or placating you.

I would think if you wanted to step out enfemme look up an event in another city and go. The odds of running into somebody you know are infinitesimal. Fewer complications.

By doing it out of town you remove the need to tell family and friends about your dressing. Remember once things are revealed you can't "un-say" them and you have "no" control over how they spread.

With regard to your friend divorcing. I'm on Charlotte's side on that one.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

OH, your post was not too long. I read it cover to cover in one sitting and couldn't put it down.

[JulieC]

I used to have a friend (not anymore because he moved very far away) whose wife was in a horrific car accident. Though she wasn't at risk of dying, she was badly messed up. She was in the hospital for months. Before the wreck, from the outside it appeared they had a relationship people only dream about. Totally loving, caring, looking out for each other, best friends through and through; just an amazing relationship. He doted on her in the hospital, by her side every moment of the way that he could be there outside of work and sleeping. The day after she left the hospital, she filed for divorce.

Events like this have a way of altering people in ways those of us who haven't been through can't even comprehend. We can't predict how we would react. We can't know. Will such an event come to you Maria? I hope not. Do I think you'll get through it ok? Awfully hard to know from just the posts (love them!) we read here. It seems like you'd do fine though.

Having such conversations is eminently useful. It's great you're having them! From everything we read here, your wife is absolutely amazing. I think you know this :) I agree with Char though; couldn't the two of you drive together? Make it a both of you think, something you enjoy together and not a solo undertaking? If I recall correctly, the two of you went to a mall together with you crossdressed, is that correct? This isn't much different than that. How is going for a drive a weakness? I'm not wrapping my brain around that. For my part, I need to go out, even if I'm not seen out and about, because otherwise I feel trapped at home, unable to express myself except inside my cage. I think not going out harms self acceptance, harms our sense of self, increases self loathing, and increases the sense that we're broken, sinful, doing something wrong, etc.

I don't agree that going in public means that your family and extended family have to be told. You might need to drive out of town, but it wouldn't require telling them. I understand your fear of this impacting your relationship with your grandchildren, but that is living by fear. It's also reality that your grandchildren or their parents could find out anyway, even if you never dressed again for the rest of your life. Don't allow fear to cage you. "I've lived a great many tragedies in my life, most of which never happened." Living in fear is suffering from things that have never happened to you.

I would like to note your wife married all of you. It's not like she fell in love with your left thumb and married just your left thumb. She married all of you. That includes crossdressing. I don't mean that in the sense of a "gotcha", but in the sense that she fell in love with you because, in part, you are a crossdresser. Whether she knew it or not is irrelevant. Being a crossdresser has enabled you to be who you are. It affects all of you. You can't neatly switch it off and proclaim that all the rest of you is completely disconnected from the crossdressing part of you. That is, unless you want to fictitiously believe you are suffering from utterly controllable schizophrenia that you can turn on/off at will. I know she didn't know about the crossdressing before you married, but even without knowing she willfully married a crossdressing man who is as great as he is because he crossdresses. Think about that for a minute :) My own wife sounds much like yours and I can see her in your wife and vice versa. She is thankful I am a crossdresser. She feels she benefits from it in quite a number of ways.

My wife and I continue to have discussions about crossdressing. We're on this journey together. When we first met, like you I barely did anything other than wear pantyhose for crossdressing. It's evolved in the many years we've been married. Outside of wigs and makeup, I dress completely now, and find satisfaction in wearing dresses, heels, bras, skirts, etc. etc. etc. I have of femme clothes now, and pantyhose now is a small (but important!) part of the collection. My wife has evolved with this too. I don't mean to say it's been easy going all along, but we've done this journey together. I'm nearing retirement while also nearing being an empty nester. Things will probably change, especially when I retire. I'll be dressing more frequently, possibly full time at times, wanting to go out more in public, wanting to stay dressed as much as possible, likely getting more into make up and wigs. My wife knows this, and she's ok with this so far. We continue to keep the lines of communication open. She is first in everything I do, and vice versa. Our relationship is a critical priority for us, and we don't take it for granted.

Ok now I've written a book :) I'll stop here.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Maria :hugs:,, You were right, it was a little Long, But Very interesting '
At my age 82 & 61 years of Marrage, I often wonder about things, We do have a very workable DA/DT,

I would never want to lay this on my two Daughters, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Aka_Donna]

Wow, you sure know how to pack so much into one post. It would not be appropriate to respond with a two sentence comment. I'm going to take a stab at sharing some thoughts with you.

Firstly, your friend had a full blown midlife crisis. At first the initial reaction was he was a jerk, but then re-reading and trying to understand it's clear that like us all he is severly struggling with legacy issues. You know, What will people remember about me when my time is over? Did my life enhance the total human experience? Have I been able to make life easier for those who follow me? etc. I suspect the peace many who crossdress experience, is a saying. These questions are too tramatic to deal with. I'm just going to escape for a bit.

Secondly, I may, just may, understand the appeal of your Friday drives. A- you get to be pretty in a setting where no one will criticize and give nasty looks and B- it's a refreshing alone time away from the hustle and bustle of life. In many ways it's like the lift me up that runners get from being out in their own solitary world.

Thirdly, there are major safety issues with Friday drive. Your wife is scared of being alone, she's scared of something bad happening to you during this time, and there is a chance she may be resentful that you take this time away for so long.

You need to ponder, reflect, and discuss how to make you all more satisfied with life. Here are some thought starters that may be springboards for you all.

Legacy--
Retirement is approaching like a freight train. You have what? 15 to 20 years to go down the roads of life. How will you spend them? Where will you spend them? What will bring you all joy? You can escape these questions for a bit with standard tinkering in the garage, but they still will need to be answered.

Maria time--
Previously you combined pretty and quiet time with your friday night rides. It seems like it's a time to try separating those two. The safest day of week for taking drives is Thursday, so consider if that would be any benefit in your situation. For quiet time, there must be something like a beach, a river, a mountain view, a wildlife view spot, or just a park where you, or both of you, could escape the noises of life for a bit. For pretty time, there must be dining out options, stage plays or shopping you could go to in whatever dress you all feel comfortable in. Maybe it's time to revisit CD and the kids. Grandkids are not the issue, it's more what the kids will think and tell the grandkids. Perhaps some posts about the struggles of discussing with kids would help with communication ideas.

You sound in many posts like a running just waiting for the starting gun. You want to experience being out in some setting and dressed pretty. Keep exploring, there must be an alternative.

Finally, safety--
In just a short period of time, your posts have remarked how dangerous your neighborhood is getting. A temporarily "solution" may be a watch group, or internet watch group, like nextdoor where you could be made aware of dangers. Long term, look for a safer home. We had to give up thousands to move to a safer home. Consider a 55+ community if those are in your area. People there have "vintage", i.e. ancient stuff that no one wants, like record players, cd players, high fi sound systems. You can't even give most of that away and no one will think about breaking in to steal junk. With crime in your area exploding, a nighttime drive just seems too dangerous in any dress, but asking for trouble if dressed pretty in crime area. Be safe.

As you know, I don't post long posts generally; but your post was just full of items we all struggle with. Thank you for listening, and if any of these ideas are good seeds ideas for you all; then well and good.

[jjjjohanne]

I listened to a woman give a TED talk about sexless marriages. She said that in a relationship, one person is more sexually resistant than the other. She said that the more resistant one holds all of the power in their sexual relationship. "No" beats "Please".

I think the same things is true about crossdressing. If one person wants to crossdress, and the other person doesn't want it to happen, then the latter person holds so much power. The first person has to be a jerk and do it anyway, or they have to be secretive (which can play out to be selfish, jerk-y actions).

Maybe someone wiser than me knows how to navigate such things... I feel like I don't.

[CynthiaD]

I’ve been married forever, about twice as long as I was single. My wife and I were madly in love at first, but our relationship cooled to the point where we were just two people living in the same house. After thinking long and hard about this, I decided that I didn’t like this situation, and being the man in this relationship, I had the power to change it (despite the lace panties, skirts, and such.) I made up my mind to change it. These days, I try to show my wife some physical affection every day: a hug, an embrace, a quick kiss, and such. Things have improved. I try to show her that I’m happy she’s around. She has started warming up to me again. Not always. Sometimes she’s cold. Sometimes she rejects me. But I refuse to back down. I’m in control. I couldn’t imagine life without her, and I try to let her see that.

I’m not giving advice I’m just throwng this out for your information. Your life is what you make it.

[Rachelakld]

My first wife was never a hoarder - yesterday my youngest who lives 500 miles away, walked into her house and could barely move because of the junk everywhere - not a single seat to sit on, no visible sign of a table under all the stuff.
People change, goals and expectations changes, life changes.
We shouldn't need a significant event to move forward in life.

my concern is at 62, life's passing them by? I'm 60, just had an amazing weekend with 14 family members, going hot air ballooning in 2 weeks, hopefully a day sail this weekend, had Mister 5 year old on a digger with me last weekend.
Every day, should have meaning, even if it's just standing in a river, fly fishing if that's what you're in too.

For me -I'm trying to get the "best husband" award, "best dad" award and "best Granddad" award, and in between that, do some interesting electronic stuff, practice guitar, learn Python programming (maybe), climb lots of mountains and hopefully do some of that dressed pretty.

[Debbie Denier]

I am a year younger than you. Its only natural that we reflect at this stage of life. Moderation and agreement with your supportive wife is the key. After all precious time is slipping away. You only live to be queen for the day.