The End.

[Philippa Jane]

Well, this came out of the blue..
I may not post here for a time while I get over this hurt.
I have been posting about a woman who made me so happy. That has come to an abrupt end.
It seems that I look and dress so much better than some women she knew but my masculinity was coming through too much. All those years playing the role conditioned into me will never leave no matter how much I try. This has now led me to an identity crisis which I shall try to work through with my psychologist.

This manifested itself in my doing things for her that another woman would not do. Things like opening a car door or allowing her through a door first.
All the little things that good men will do for a woman. Waiting to help with projects that she had only a little knowledge of. A table repair and polishing a brass light stand come to mind.

It never occurred to me that what I consider normal now I see through her eyes.
In wanting to know so much about her I kept asking questions that a woman might not ask. (I had a list ). We took turns with things like eye colour , music, foods and what makes you laugh just to name a few.
I tried so hard to please her not knowing that it was all wrong.

Probably the final straw was a breach of trust.
Yes I should have considered her feelings but at the time I was so full of euphoria that I had found someone who actually liked me and had approached me.
A person who I got on so well with who made me happy.
I told her about my online presence on CD.com and the blog I had written.
Nothing I said was personal to her other than her name and that is quite unique.
Apparently this is a male thing doing what I wanted to do without consultation.

Had her name been anything common it may not have mattered. Had I not been so open about everything she would never have known.
When I began my transition I made a promise to myself never ever to lie by omission and to be fully transparent. This has come back to bite me.

Couple all of the above that I am a hopeful romantic and I did think something could be built with her. She did not want a male partner just now but she did want a female friend . I thought I was the best of both worlds.
Her final words to me were ? when I decide to have a loving relationship. It will be with a man.?
Completely crushed I ended up in a really bad place which resulted in a visit to the emergency room .

[Lana Mae]

Oh, so sorry to hear this! Best wishes going forward, Philippa!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Rhonda Darling]

Philippa, this is horrible. You were doing exactly what you thought was right, and this was not your fault. She went from all to nothing. I don't understand why she didn't try to talk to you about her concerns. I'm sure she realized that you were trying to live, speak, act, and think like the woman you've become ? behaviors that she found offensive, or that bothered her, should have been discussed. But you know this.

Take care of yourself and remember that by talking through difficult issues here can help not only you, but all who read about what you are going through.

Kind regards,
Rhonda

[Di]

Rhonda said exactly what I was thinking….we have the best caring members here.
Dating now is so different and so hard.
I do know Sher said a few times I made her not feel like -her -in the beginning.So it probably was a learning thing for both of you.
Don’t beat yourself up over this.
Great idea to talk this through with your psychologist..


Although it doesn’t feel like it now - someone having a discussion with you why 'twas not working for her does NOT mean you did anything wrong so stop that right now .
Nowadays they just ghost .
This was her problem and you did nothing wrong ..I mean it stop saying you did this and that ……..women do those things as well Sher & I were like in a 2 woman relationship….
Read this again You did nothing wrong….just be you .

[docrobbysherry]

I'm so sorry, Philipa! I worried about your "friendship" with a woman that only wanted a female friend while u wanted much more.:sad:

Your situation reminded me that I have met 100's of T's and CD's over the years. Many fully transitioned into females. And, in all that number I only can recall 2 that seemed like females to me!:battingeyelashes:

So u shouldn't feel bad. U made her feel like she was with a woman for awhile at least!:)

[Marketa]

Philippa, I want to give you a huge, long hug.

[Joanie CD]

So sorry, Phillippa Jane. It's so hard to create a relationship and devastating when it comes apart. Take care of yourself first. Hang out with other friends. Don't spend too much time alone. I'm sure you've heard all these suggestions already, but they are indeed tried and true.

[kimdl93]

It?s easy to get carried away when one is longing for a personal/intimate relationship. Patience and exuberance are often mutually exclusive. So please forgive yourself for getting carried away by hopes that were not necessarily realistic.

One thing I have learned in life is that you cannot push a rope. Similarly, you cannot mold a friendship into an intimate relationship. Given time it may happen on its own, but force it and the friendship may be damaged.

[Debs]

A relationship when your a cd is almost impossible, I've been to hell and back and sat down with partners and tried to explain what I am, but its hard, but theres always one thing I.ve always said. "I CANT STOP", and its true, so I never lie and tell them all sorts of crap, I'll never stop dressing, and dont ever fool yourself into thinking you can. And yes its a lonely existance till you actually find someone who accepts what you are. Rant over and her is my GG, who does accept what I am, so never ever give up hope

346286

[CharlotteCD]

I've recently ended my relationship due to her daughter causing issues between us and me finding out that she was hiding something from me. The irony of being on the other side of something that's hidden is not lost on me.

[AmyJordan]

Oh Philippa my heart goes out to you, your last posts have been so full of optimism.

You didn't do anything wrong, you cannot help sometimes reverting to learned behaviours, despite my wife teaching me feminine ways I often do things on instinct which may be masculine likewise when out in male mode I may inadvertently do some feminine traits, sometimes my wife will say 'you are standing so girly or sitting like a woman'

Unfortunately it seems your lady friend wasn't looking for romance with a lady nothing will change that but hopefully a friendship could be saved she obviously saw that with you originally.

Take time out, you've been here before and moved on to exciting things and you will again.

If you have upset her, apologise and tell her how much you cherished her friendship but also give her space.

Best wishes Philippa you deserve happiness and you will get it.

Amy x

[DianeT]

I am sorry for what happened to you. From what you say it seems that both of you had differing expectations for the relationship. You did nothing wrong being you; the two of you were just not aligned, and this is no one's fault. I don't know the exact details in your case, but being friendzoned isn't generally a rejection of you as a person, just as a lover. It is very possible that your friend wants to remain your friend. Side note, I used to be a hopeless romantic too (maybe still am!) and my heart got broken over and over. Lucky for me, my future wife took the initiative or I would still be dreaming about her. I hope you recover soon from this and find the right person for you. Take care.

[mykell]

first let me say sorry that this happened to you....best best wishes for you going forward....lots of positive energy from the group....when some engage with me i try to put things in a way they can understand.

i often tell them of the tribal trend of two spirits....i remind them that ive lived a male life until i accepted my "self"

easy for me to say as i have not transitioned....

in the Indian tribe culture they explained it as "take a stick with a binary on each end....bend the stick to have the two ends meet to form a circle....i have been on many locations of that circle.


hang in the there....this may have happened for a reason....keep your chin up....

[NjJamie]

Phillipa, so sorry to hear about your situation, know that we are all here for you and will always be, life isn't easy for the vast majority of us but for every bad day there will be awesome ones!

[JocelynJames]

So sorry about this Phillipa Jane. Hope you can work through it with therapy and find someone who?s right for you, 💯 %

[Connie D50]

Philippa, so sorry to hear your sad news. The hurt will pass, life goes on. Connie

[alwayshave]

Philippa Jane, I am so so sorry. Unfortunately, most people see gender as binary. I hope that you are physically OK and that the psychologist helps you with your other issues.

[SophiaRose]

So sorry to hear Philippa. Putting ourselves out there in a vulnerable position is hard to do and hurts even more when we feel pushed away for doing so. Hopefully this is a blip in your relationship with her and you can find some companionship down the road in some capacity.

[chrissy111]

So sorry you're going through this, just know you have a community here who cares and listens.

[Jenn A116]

This is a really sad situation. Perhaps a lesson learned as well. As confusing as it can be for us being a CD, it's also confusing for those we love. This life requires a lot of work from both parties.

[Philippa Jane]

I was not too sure where my last experience should have been posted.
I may have been better in the Transexual section.
Jerri Ann spoke about living in the real world and I guess there is no hand book for that. You have to just take things as they come and hope you do the right thing.
I have never lacked confidence (it wavered initially) but it grew the more I embraced my feminine side.
It has come undone after three exciting years.
The one thing that I cannot change is all of those years conforming as a male.
I know my voice is deeper than most women but I have had so many tell me that it is not that noticeable .
There are ladies with deep voices.
I move well in heels and I can dress the part but my male brain will still do all of those little things that some women love. The opening of doors, the putting them first, the feeling of being protected.
So many things that were pointed out to me that a female friend would not do.
I have been chastised for being too nice , too considerate, too loving and in doing so ruined a budding relationship.

For me it comes down to relationships. I have many acquaintances but few genuine friends, so I do treasure those people.
My Achilles heel is my fear of rejection. When one of those friends cuts me out of their life I do take it badly. The male brain never sleeps
Nobody told me there would be days like this..
I have been doing these things for so long now I know that this will never change.
I saw my therapist this afternoon and she has convinced me that I have done nothing wrong but that I have also learned some lessons.
She does not believe that I have a personality disorder but we will explore my dysphoria more next week.

Thank you all for the kind words and support.

- - - Updated - - -

My apologies to Jeri Ann for the incorrect spelling of her name.

[JulieC]

Philippa, my heart weeps for you. This is heartbreaking.

Being you doesn't make you wrong. Another person finding you too 'male' doesn't make you wrong. You being 'male' in some way doesn't make you wrong, any more than being 'female' in some way makes you wrong. You are you, and there is no default about you that is 'wrong'. Being too nice isn't a vice. Being too considerate isn't a vice. Being too loving isn't a vice. Most especially, any of these things in the context of being a friend isn't a vice. Rather the opposite. That one person doesn't respond well to this doesn't make these things wrong.

[Genifer Teal]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It gives hope to those of us looking for a relationship. Even though yours didn't work out, it shows the potential is there. I'm sorry this one didn't work out for you.

[Mercedes]

We care about you, we accept you and please take care or yourself.

[Jasmine23]

Hi Philippa,
So sorry to hear about your situation, I hope you are feeling better and on the road to recovery. Obviously she saw your relationship as a friendship and no more and you wanted more, two people who wanted different things and were not on the same wavelength it happens all the time. Don't beat yourself up about the "male" things you were doing like opening a door, helping on projects etc, I doubt these were really much of an issue, the breach of trust from her point of view is the big issue; most people don't like being talked about behind their back, I know you meant no harm and probably only said positive things, but, view it from her point of view; she finds out that someone she saw as a friend or maybe just an acquaintance wanted to take their relationship further and had wrote about this online, she saw this as oversharing and disrespecting her privacy, breaking her trust.
She wants a relationship with a man, so a relationship with you was never in the running, she sees you as a woman so all those " male things" you are worried that you do are irrelevant; you're a woman who does nice things for others, simply as that. You overshared and broke her trust, learn from this, also realise that while honesty might be the best policy, how you deliver that honesty may need to change, for example, being blunt and to the point can come across as being cold, rude or hurtful, not saying that you you were, but, how we deliver a message can totally change how someone receives that message. Learn from this experience, hopefully you can retrieve a friendship, but, don't presue this if she doesn't want to engage. This will obviously take time to recover from, I hope your therapist helps and in time you will fully heal. Take care and hope you feel better soon.

[Maria 60]

I'm very sorry about your situation and it seems like we are always in what they call "catch 22". If you do it, your wrong and if you don't do it your still wrong.
I had a little eye opener a few years back, my cousin got divorced from his wife and we can really call him "the nice guy" because he really is. He meet a girl and her mother needed some work done and he referred me. While I was working at the mothers house she told me that my cousin is a really nice guy and her daughter should be very happy to find a man like him. Here comes my eye opener, she told me its to bad they won't be together long because he's to nice of a guy and a lot of women don't like that. I was totally confused by that statement and I had to ask, don't women want to be pampered, doors open for them doing things for them that they like or making an effort for them and supporting there dreams. I asked her so what should we do, I told her my cousin loves her daughter to death and she going to probably leave him for doing all the right things. The mother just nodded her head to a side with no answer, but the daughter did leave my cousin a month or so later.
After this I got confused myself on how to act or speak to my wife and to the point that she asked me what was wrong with me. I felt like I didn't know how to act to her, be nice don't be nice if doing the right thing is wrong then I guess I have to do the wrong thing.
After this discussion with her my wife just made the most sense, she will just be herself and I should just be myself and we shouldn't have to try so hard and if we can't handle who are true selves are then maybe we are not compatible.
I believe that's going to be your next step going forward is how are you going to go into your next relationship and my wife's statement makes a lot of sense. Just be yourself and hopefully we will find someone compatible. Im happy your getting help and with time your broken heart will mend and don't forget you have a big community on your side if you need us. Take care.

[Genifer Teal]

I agree it was probably less the little things and more the breach of trust she felt. Did I miss something? Did it somehow get back to her because of her name uniqueness? If so I fully understand her concern.

Otherwise, it's not uncommon for women to meet someone and tell their friends about that person immediately. That's kinda what you did. The internet made that a little bit bigger, but it's also somewhat anonymous. Back to that name thing, but really what are the chances of her being personally identified? When someone scared about something, the chance of it happening might seem infinitely likely no matter how unlikely it might be. I think someone that has a fear of being found out is more likely to jump to those conclusions.

What is she afraid of? She obviously likes you. Your situation is different. She's probably still questioning it for herself. If she is afraid of people finding out the kind of relationship she's in randomly across the internet, how is she gonna deal with it in person?

I know you felt it had a lot of potential, and it probably did. It seems like it wasn't perfect on its own. Maybe you just brought that to the surface sooner. All things happen for a reason. Accept this as one of those things and move on.