Closet strategies?

[Gail_veiled]

I think these questions are mostly for those of us in a hidden / private only operating mode although there could be some DADT overlap.

I imagine everyone has their own hiding place and storage arrangement that are pretty specific to your individual situation. I have a couple of old suitcases that get stashed in the basement or garage with a pretty minimal risk of discovery and are reasonably accessible for me. Has anyone left a note of explanation for the hit-by-a-bus scenario?

I am also curious if anyone has insight or experience into how to broach things to the spouse like body shaving, ear piercings, etc. with a gender neutral spin on them? Probably a little harder at my age since patterns have been long established.

And, yes I have a bunch of guilt at keeping this from my wife but with 40+ years of history I?m 99.9% sure the conversation would not go well.

Gail

[kimdl93]

It?s wise to consider in advance how to have this conversation with your partner. Check out the guidance in the section above. You may get some useful tips.

[CarlaWestin]

I've pondered the hit by a bus scenario many times. My wife has actually inadvertently given me the best insight as she was suddenly widowed before we met.
When your number is up, your number is up. DADT here but I'm fully aware of being fully closeted and the lingering guilt trip that festers. If I were to leave a note in the pink closet that stays locked in the man cave,
it would probably read something like, "So, how much fun did you never have yet?"

[ilisa]

Hi Gail,

I am reminded of the Clint Eastwood quote from the 1973 movie Magnum Force: "A man's got to know his limitations."
In an ideal world we would all be able to tell our spouses, but we don't live in an idea world do we?
You keep on doing what you're doing. Its what you have to do, and its kept your marriage together for 40+ years. Its not ideal, but you're being goal oriented and realistic.
That said, and I'm guessing you've already done this, it would be well advised to have a strategy if she does find out. IMHO its the best you can do.

[Debs]

Are you all sure your wifes dont know ?, after many years you must have left some clues along the way ?. I avoided all this pain of hiding stuff by telling my now wife on my second date with her, I know this doesnt help you. But I dont know how you feel hidding stuff , what I would do is when you get undressed for bed, I'd put on her dress she has left about in the bedroom and let her walk in on me, and say How does this look ?, that will give an idication of what sort of reaction your going to get if you told her. She will either freek out or say it fits you well, if she freaks out, you can say sorry I was only messing about. If she doent freek out, say wow I love wearing this, this can then be an \ice breaker for you to take it to the next level.

[Bianca Fay]

My ex discovered that I would wear her pantyhose and she made it very clear that she didn't like it at all. One day she found my stash and she draped the pantyhose all over the living room then waited until I woke up and eventually walked into the room. She was calm but obviously furious. She also demanded to know if I had other hiding places. I did so I had to show her. She slowly collected up all of the nylons then threw them at me. That was a very rough day and I deeply regret not being truthful with her. It was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

[JenninSC]

My wife knows where I keep my things but she doesn't want anything to do with it. If something were to happen to me, she knows to dispose of the box where my things are. I also keep things at my office for when I'm there working alone. I have a friend that knows about me and knows to get rid of the box I keep at the office.

[Lacey New]

Gail, I am pretty much in the same situation that you are, I realize that someday, my smaller and smaller stashes of goodies will eventually have to go to the dump. I?m just not sure when that will be. I just want it to be me making the trip.

[Jillcder]

I have often wondered how surprised my family would be if the hit by a bus scenario happened to me. I have a large collection of dresses, skirts, blouses, panties, bras, stockings, garters, shape wear, wigs, silicone forms and a large makeup case of different products all neatly stashed away in the rafters of our garage all I can say is someone is in for one hell of a surprise my only concern is disappointing and hurting my wife not exactly sure what I would write on a discovery note. Hopefully my desire to dress in womens clothing is something I can discuss with my wife before that happens.

[Gail_veiled]

Thanks everyone for the feedback!

I have given some thought as to how I'd tell my wife and my internal run through of scenarios are about 99 to 1 going badly. Also I really don't want to pull the rock from her world until I figure some more things about myself. She has her own mental struggles with life but that's not my story to tell. I definitely read the How-to sticky thread (twice) and can see the argument and POV put forth there. I really hope the stars will align in a conversation with her and I can gently open this door someday. I am a bit amazed at how so many of you have supporting partners - truly inspiring!

As far as the "last note" goes, here are my current thoughts - lol:

First layer in big bold manly letters: Dispose of immediately! Do not open farther! Respect my privacy!
Second layer in a nice script font: Well you just had to look! Here's my story about an aspect of me you didn't know about.... and a short novella (with pics) from there.

[char GG]

One of our GG's wrote this thread about how to tell your partner. If you haven't already seen it, here it is:

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

[alwayshave]

Gail, I don't have to hide anything. When married to my ex-wife, who I did hide from, she had a closet full of old clothes. I mixed must clothes in with hers. She never found any of them.

[JulieC]

Gail, that's a very interesting strategy about the "last note"! I've never heard anyone with that idea before!

For this who are in secret, I think it very important to leave a "last note". If you care about your wife at all, it's decidedly cruel not to. Imagine; you die, and in her grief she discovers this stash of women's clothes and accessories. What is she to think? Questions that will never be answered, and she will always be left wondering. That's cruel.

Also, there is a very common perception echoed on this forum that the vast majority of wives are very unaccepting of their husbands crossdressing. The reality is otherwise. More women accept this than people realize. There's ranges of acceptance, but more than 50% of wives will accept this on some level, enough to not have to be in the closet and not have the marriage destroyed. It's been said here many times; the greater problem with crossdressing isn't the crossdressing itself. The greater problem is the secrecy that was being held, which breaks trust. IF you plan on approaching your wife about this, the strategy to do so shouldn't be focused on how to introduce the topic of crossdressing, but should be laser sharp focused on how to address the betrayal of trust. How to approach shaving, piercing, etc. are a distant second to this.

[Stephanie47]

I am nearing the completion of eight decades on this planet and the I do ponder all the "what if?" My wife and I definitely have too much "stuff." Not too long ago we were talking about having too much stuff and I quipped that our son and daughter better hope mom and dad do not die at the same time. Whoever goes first may get rid of half of our stuff. My wife did allude to my femme attire that is "hidden in plain sight" or what she believes is my total stash. One of the issues with "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is she does not want to know, so I never tell her of any purchases. So after 50+ years of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" there are 20+ Xerox boxes of my attire stacked up in our storage area. She never goes hunting for anything. It's there! Recently I was looking for something, not related to CD-ing, and I came across a shipping carton from "Payless" that has five pairs of unworn, still in the boxes, high heels I bought on a really good Veterans' Day sale. If I were to get some diagnosis of a terminal illness I will expunge all of the stuff. I believe my does not have a clue that I have 162 dresses. Let's not talk about all the lingerie. When my wife was culling her nightgowns, we took them to a thrift store of a charity. That store uses the internet to do fair pricing.

The question of guilt does not arise with me anymore. We had "The Talk" back in the 1980's. We dealt with it. Her way is what I call "The Ostrich Effect:" Stick head in the ground and it does not exist. Her choice, not mine. Am I suppose to wave a new purchase in her face and say "Look what I got today! Aren't these panties great?"

[docrobbysherry]

I wouldn't call it a strategy but I solved ALL the dressing issues in my life!:straightface:

My wife found out but is now my ex wife. Not for that reason, tho.:daydreaming:

My 18 y/o, live in daughter was going to catch me. So, I told both my adult daughters. I told her when in the house or grounds I would dress and she made sure to NOT be around! DADoTell!:thumbsup:

She moved out about 8 years ago. Now, my entire house is littered with Sherry's gear!:heehee:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gail :hugs:, My :love:Wife of almost 62 Years & I have a Very Workable DA/DT, She knows about everything,

But just don't want to see me while I am Dressed up, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Jessica Secret]

In my case I'm closeted by choice. I have a boyfriend who is extremely supportive and encouraging and I'm free to dress anywhere at any time, but since my wardrobe is basically entirely lingerie I can't exactly wear that in public lol.