When the Pink Fog Turns Heavy

[Charlotte Sparkle]

I need to apologise for offloading my thoughts here, but I am struggling at the moment. The pink fog is thick and sometimes it drags me into dark thoughts. These sudden emotional surges keep knocking me for six, and writing them down feels like the only way to make sense of them.

I have been cross-dressing since I was a teenager, and now, at 52, I still do not have the right words for what I am. What I do know is that the feelings are only getting stronger, harder to push away.

It is not only about clothes. It is the makeup, the hairstyles, the body shape, the curve of cleavage. Even the smallest details can set it off. My heart pounds. My chest feels tight. I get this overwhelming rush, almost like I am about to break open.

It happens when I see women on the street. It happens when I scroll through Instagram and see other cross-dressers or trans women. I admire them, but I also envy them. That is the hard truth. I find myself thinking: why can’t that be me? And the ache lingers long after I have put my phone down.

Is it anxiety? Maybe. But maybe it is something deeper. Maybe it is just my heart telling me I cannot keep burying these feelings.

I do not have answers yet. I just know I am caught somewhere between admiration and longing, between envy and grief. And every time my chest tightens, it feels like a reminder of the life I want but still haven’t found the courage to live.

Maybe the gentle truth is this: I do not have to have it all figured out right now. Maybe it is enough to admit I am feeling it, to keep breathing through the fog, and to know I am not alone in this struggle.

[TheHiddenMe]

None of us are experts here, but there are trained gender specialists that are available in person or over the web. Perhaps you should research one and discuss your feelings with them.

[Philippa Jane]

Hi Lotte.
I was only a few years older than you when I some similar feelings. No where near as intense as you are outlining. It would another 12 years before I was able to live the life I wanted.
I think many here would agree that there are times when these feelings are overwhelming. It will pass on the intensity but will never go away.
One has a choice whether to continue with the life you have and how much it means to you or to consider living in the life you think you want.
I don't presume to know your situation but keep in mind what you have to lose if you take the next step.

[Suzie Petersen]

Damn Girl!
Spot on!

[Sabine7]

Hi Lotte, it's pleasant and relaxing to hear that you have the same thoughts and experiences. Thank you for your worlds. I have been leaving in the pink fog for years. The more time I spend on the female side the heavier is the fog. Eventually, very few things keep my mentally on the male side. I envy women to be one of them. Every morning once awaken, I can't resist thinking that I should have been born a woman.

[Karren H]

Maybe it’s the shared experiences but the 50s were extremely difficult me when it came to the pink fog. But that was 2 decades ago and I’m better…. Kind of.

PS: Happy Mean Girls Day! todays the national day to wear pink! Lol.

[StephanieLake]

I love it when I read posts like this. They make me realize I'm not alone in my thoughts and feelings. Thank you Lotte.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm 15 years older than you and still don't have it figured out. The young girls with their beauty queen looks and enviable lives in endless supply as close as your computer monitor... well, you said it. I didn't have to deal with that back in the day. I certainly don't have an answer to that one.

I fairly recently went through the longest lasting and most complete loss of my desire to dress and all that it encompasses. I've had ups and downs before. Very few downs. This wasn't the usual downturn. There have been times when I was so deep in the pink fog that I wanted out, or so I thought. I certainly knew that from a logical standpoint I'd be better off without it. But, when it was gone, I desperately wanted it back. I felt lost without it, but it seemed that there was no wishing it back. What brings it on and what makes it go away is largely if not completely out of my control. I have some power over how I act on it, but that's it.

I think I came through that with a little different way of dealing with it. Not clarity, by any means. Just different. Sure it's been a source of struggle. Some bad things in my life have their roots there, but there's nothing I can do about those things now and over time I've been able to accept that. I still have some significant difficulties, but there's a flip side, and it's in the way I deal with this:

You said, "It is not only about clothes. It is the makeup, the hairstyles, the body shape, the curve of cleavage. Even the smallest details can set it off. My heart pounds. My chest feels tight. I get this overwhelming rush, almost like I am about to break open."

Yep. I get it. I also love it! It is such a part of who I am, and how lucky am I to be able to experience such intense pleasure from these things! Oh, I get the anxiety and the longing, but I also get the euphoria! How lucky am I that simply getting my nails done, or wearing makeup or a dress and heels gives me such pleasure and makes my world a better place? I doesn't hurt anybody, it doesn't cost much, I'm lucky that in my case I have plenty of time and the freedom to enjoy it. I'd be lost without it. I've always thought that being this way made me a better person, and I truly believe that. I'm definitely not the beauty queen anymore (if I ever was), and there are lots of things available to girls these days that were unheard of in my day and I'm jealous of that, but also happy for them. So, yeah, I feel the things you're feeling, but I've managed to twist those things into a positive. I've also been told that the girls on Reddit and Instagram are AI fakes, so that makes me feel better!

And, if it makes you feel better, I'm jealous of you!

[Stephanie47]

I am closing in on the end of eight decades in this life. I use to strain my brain trying to figure it all out before I just gave up. I do not see a therapist for anything related to my need to emulate a woman, but I did meet every two weeks for more than a decade with a therapist for war related PTSD. She is also a veteran. Her opinion is, every man and woman has some dna of the opposite sex, in some it is more than others. I went through a several decades long "pink fog," where I was trying to explore as much as possible. In my storage area there are in excess of 24 Xerox boxes of fem clothing. I think, because the ability of expressing my fem needs was infringed, I ended up shopping to excess to keep my head in the game. When therapy may have been of value there were none in my area or I was terrified of discussing it with anyone. A site like this would have been of great benefit.

[NancySue]

Totally hear you. Been there, done that. No answers. Just accept it and enjoy.

[Gail_veiled]

Lotte,

While I started my CD adventure later in life than many, I sure can relate to your feelings. I don't have the right to compare myself to those that have dealt with these feelings for their whole life but it feels like the past couple of years I'm getting a crash course to make up for lost time. One of my first posts here was about my fascination with anything to deal with the female form. Your gift with words conveys this emotion far better than I. While I don't currently believe I want to ever "take it farther", I am absolutely envious of those like you with Gynecomastia and those on HRT and your natural breast development. I long to have a more youthful feminine appearance and body and am highly critical of my flaws. I wish I could have what I see in others in this community and even more so in natural women. I don't understand the root of these feelings and the internal conflict they bring about. I feel totally unequipped to deal with these emotions and desires and how dominant they become at times.

On the flip side, I firmly believe life is about the journey and not the destination. The low points and struggles let us appreciate the highs. I think all things have cycles and we have to be patient during the dark times and to cherish the bright ones. Listen to the whispers of your heart but temper them with thought and reflection. There is inherent beauty in taking the road less traveled and the resiliency it teaches. I'm pretty sure none of us can ever really figure life out but only attempt to choose which currents to fight against or flow with.

You are most definitely not alone in your struggle and are very much appreciated!

[Jasmine23]

Hi Lotte,

I can very much relate to you, you express it much better than I ever could but, it's almost as if you read my mind. I know the feeling well, but, don't know why it's stronger sometimes and not at other times. Definitely relate to the paragraph about seeing women on the street in gorgeous outfits or seeing other crossdressers and trans girls who pass and thinking why that can't be me.
Forums like this are great because they show that we aren't alone, there are numerous others going through similar issues.

[docrobbysherry]

I have a question for u, Lotte: What's stopping u? Yes, u can probably come up with lots of reasons. Including your work, family, and friends on why u can't!:sad:

But, at the end of the day, you're the reason!:heehee:

I understand. I struggled for 10 years in a complete vacuum when I began dressing out of the blue in my 50's!:eek:

Then, after encouragement from others here I began exploring what was happening to me! Even tho I still identify as a closet dresser because no one except my immediate family knows?
I've been out and about dressed meeting vanillas and other dressers all over the USA and in Asia! And, I've let my CD fantasy run free. Becoming any and every female I find intriguing!:daydreaming:

Life is short. Don't regret not taking charge of it while u have time!:battingeyelashes:

[Charlotte Sparkle]

I just wanted to follow up on what I shared the other day, as I was feeling really overwhelmed when I wrote it. Things feel a bit more settled now.

I often find myself thinking about transition — but I think, deep down, that might just be me fantasising. It’s easy to imagine a different path, especially when I’m caught in the pink fog. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking that if I were young again, I’d definitely go full-time. But I also know it’s easier to feel that way from where I am now, looking back.

One positive thing is that my wife and I had a good conversation today. She actually started it, she’s noticed I’ve been dipping lately. We talked and I suggested me having some time each week to dress, just to help release some of that tension. It’s not everything, but it feels like a start.

She suggested I think about speaking to a professional. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. Part of me wonders if it would help or just be a waste of time.

I’ve also been thinking about whether I should talk to my GP about estrogen micro-dosing. I’m not even sure if that’s something possible or accessible here in the UK, and I honestly don’t know if it would help — but it’s been on my mind.

Anyway, thank you again to everyone who took the time to read or respond to my last post. It really does mean a lot. Just being able to write it down — and know it’s heard — helps more than I can say.

[Traci H]

Lotte, your thread hit me on so many levels. I?m 20 years older than you, so my options are more limited. Yet the light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter at my age and one thinks about what to do in the future. The pink fog gets very thick for me at times, and my outlets are limited by a non-accepting wife. Yet, I yearn to explore more. Micro-dosing would be one thing I would love to try, alas I suspect it might end my marriage or at the very least make my wife very uncomfortable.

Trying to balance all this gets difficult at times. My wife doesn?t understand and of course, neither do I. I also have to think of my family and their view of their dad. Good luck on your journey.

[Charlotte Sparkle]

Thanks Traci.

[Maid_Marion]

I talked with my wife all the time about just about everything. She didn't think I needed therapy though she was fine with me going to see a therapist if I wanted to do that. She saw a therapist.

Maybe your could work at getting your desired figure though diet and exercise? It worked for me.

Marion

[Charlotte Sparkle]

I am already dieting and exercising Marion.
I have lost just over 18kg since hitting the treadmill back at the end of May.

[Debbie Denier]

I think we all have those moments Lotte. I often reflect on what might have been. I am older than you and know I will never transition. Despite having conflicting feelings throughout my life.

Why did I yearn to look like my female cousin at 16.? Why am I doing what I do?I fought these feelings. Thinking that dating as a teenager and getting married would make them go away. Of course they did not.

I was advised at a local support group to enjoy the ride and see CD as good fun.It is but it doesn?t stop the confusion, guilt etc. I stopped CD for nearly 10 years. It came back with a vengeance after my father?s death in 2011.

I accept it will always be part of me.However I accept that I have a family. I try to separate CD and family as much as possible . The pink fog can be like a tidal wave. I try not to drag my family into what can be a tsunami. As it would be unfair and selfish of me.
So I shelter them as much as I possibly can. it doesn?t make things any easier. Good luck with your journey.

[CarlaWestin]

The pink fog can be overwhelming. And I'm glad that it's the most overwhelming mind fog. It crowds out despair and depression.
And I really have no desire for any other color of fog.

347353

[DavynaCD]

I?m late to the party here, but just wanted to say I know exactly how you?re feeling and what you?re going through Charlotte. It?s happening to me right now and I?m 55. It?s a roller coaster.

[alwayshave]

Lotte, I can so relate to your feelings. Sometime the thoughts are so heavy I cannot function. Most of us go through it.

[Charlotte Sparkle]

Thanks for the replies, they are all really appreciated.

[Ivan_1974]

I think most of CDs have experienced in their path what you?re talking about. By my side I can say that I started crossdressing when I was 11 and it was exciting and soothing at the same time. In my teens I started buying my lingerie, some skirt, make up and the more I discovered the female word on my skin the more the needs of crossdressing grew, but I didn?t understand why and I didn?t accept. I was a male I liked female (even if I was curious about penis) so I threw every dress in the rubbish bin but, few days later I started buying new thing. Now that I?m 51 and I am alone, after 18 years of cohabiting with my ex girlfriend I started leaving as much as possible as a crossdresser and I have accepted that the cd is not another me but just me! When I?m crossdressed I?m something more than when I am a man: it is how if something is added to myself, how if something brutally emerge outside I feel full of energy, full of desire, I just say inside me ?look at me I?m just this that you see?. I don?t want to be a woman, I want to be a cd and I want women to see me as a cd not as a real man even if I am attracted to them. I don?t feel a real attraction for men but I love to perceive their sexual hunger when they see me crossdressed. I never thought I could go out dresses as a woman but I did it, I never thought I could have sex with transexual but I had, I have fantasized so many time making sex with a man so it could be that I?ll do. I think what?s really matter is that everyone of us feels so alone deep inside and that we should need someone who really knows our essence, someone who is curious about our soul, our needs; this is the only way to express our nature, independently by the fact that we all differ each other, and to express with serenity in all its amplitude. Our aesthetic is not the representation perceivable with senses of our soul and it is so difficult for the others to understand just this. However, the only thing I can wish you is to understand exactly how you want to be in this world, because it is never too late to love ourselves.

[Meg]

Lotte, I have been away for a few days and just came to this post. It is so nice that you trust us all here enough to open up. There is certainly no "one size" fits all answer to the pink fog. I am sure that we have all felt overwhelmed with this at some point in our lives. You are lucky to be able to speak openly with your wife. The important thing is to take care of yourself and sounds like you are doing that. Life is full of unanswered questions, we just have to take time to find those answers. Talking this out with others whom you trust and love will no doubt lead you to solutions best suited for you. Love, Meg

[KymG]

Feel like this myself to some extent.
Ive messaged you.

[Mercedes]

Hello Lotte,

I cannot really add to all the amazing and lovely comments the other ladies have left. You already know that you are not alone and we are here to look out for you and each other. A safer space I have never found.

Mercedes XOXOXO

[Charlotte Sparkle]

Thanks for all the kind words of support x

[BLUE ORCHID]

Ho Lotte :hugs:, I've been in this Program for over 75 Years and I just couldn'd inagine that other boys would be in to this,

[KrissyCD]

Hello Lotte

I have felt and sometimes still feel the same as you posted. My significant other does not feel the same about my dressing and requested i go to a therapist which I have been seeing online. She has been great and I am glad I have been speaking with her. Took me 4-5 sessions to finally show her a pic of me enfemme which she really appreciated. The last session I was fully dressed and she again was very polite and appreciative of me sharing this with her.

The Pink Fog has been strong lately with me as well. It’s great to read on here that there are others like me as well.