New GG and in a quandry

[Shylittleshade]

Hello to everyone here and thank you for having this wonderful forum to enlighten, discuss and educate me about this interesting new world!

I have a wonderful, wonderful boyfriend whom I love very much and recently discovered is cross dressing. Probably most of his life (he's 45) and in thinking of things he said, might have been a factor in his divorce. He is very shy and sexually a little introverted. I discovered a large Victoria Secret purchase (bras and panties) that were not for me and when confronted, he freaked out and went screaming out of my house at midnight, yelling "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! Things have been distant ever since and I am afraid to bring up the subject.

I snooped around at his house when he wasn't there (yeah, I know this was bad, but a girls gotta do....) and found his stash of bras, panties, skirts, dress, fake boobs and makeup. I just read the thread "Letter to my wife" and the tone of that letter was perfect and wonderful. She is one lucky girl, that wife.

I want to let my boyfriend know that I love him, respect him and accept this part of who he is. Its OK with me. I don't think its weird or that he is a freak. I want to be a part of this with him because he is a keeper and this is part of what makes him, apparently, the sweet, romantic man he is. But, I am afraid that he may want to keep this part of himself 100% secret, not share it with me and shut me out totally if I admit I know.

So, can you help me write a letter like that to my boyfriend so I don't freak him out with the knowledge that I know?

Thanks!

[EricaCD]

Keep it simple, hon. Print out your post and give it to him. All done.

[Aunt Peg]

At least for me, sometimes it's hard it accept myself. My wife accepts me, but I still want to hide things. I think the hardest part of all this is total self acceptance.

[emma_bb]

i think u have parlty written the letter allready ..why dont u write down to him more or less the feelings u have to us ..they sound to me at least very sincere and loving

[Rachel Morley]

Hello,

It's fabulous that you accept your boyfriend :) My wife is very accepting of my dressing, in fact she was looking to date a cder before she met me because she likes soft, gentle, non manly men and she (and I) think that crossdressing brings this out in me even more than what is normally there.

I can say that from my perspective, the one thing your boyfriend almost certainly fears is you finding out the "full gory details". I remember I made a promise to myself that I would never ever tell a single soul about "my secret" because I thought it didn't matter how understanding she might be, she would never truly "get me" or understand why I like cding....sometimes I even have difficulty quantifying it myself! :cheeky:

Anyway my point is,some how you have to let you boyfriend know that whatever it is your boyfriend fears...he shouldn't because you are there for him. Oh...one other thing, there are some cders who actually don't want to share their dressing with anyone not even their wives because they want to keep it "their thing". That's ok, but I speak from experience when I say that, with an accepting wife making cding "our thing" is so much more fun! :)

So I would say open your heart and let love guide you.

Take care and good luck

[Dixie Darling]

"But, I am afraid that he may want to keep this part of himself 100% secret, not share it with me and shut me out totally if I admit I know."

Believe me when I tell you that in all probability he would LOVE to share this part of his life with you. The main reason he's probably "gunshy" about doing so is due to your suspicions that it may have been a factor in his divorce. If your relationship is in "serious mode" he is drawing on his past experience concerning his divorce and is afraid of losing you.

As others have suggested, you might want to simply print out your post and give it to him, or even email it to him and explain WHY you're doing so. If he's like most of us here he'll JUMP at a chance to be able to open up to you if he truly believes you are accepting of his dressing. For what it may be worth to you (AND to him) most crossdressers are pretty much convinced that they are BORN the way they are and had no choice in the matter. He may not realize this himself and if you can successfully convince him that it doesn't make him any less of a man as far as you are concerned, and help him to accept HIMSELF, it will go a long way towards smoothing out the relationship.

Finally, thank YOU for being wise enough, and open minded enough to RESEARCH the subject of crossdressing as opposed to automatically condemning all CDs. That says a LOT about your character and intelligence.

You may find some answers to your questions on my web site (link follows my femme name below) that would be of benefit to you as well as to your boyfriend. It's a CLEAN site and full of information for the BOTH of you. If you can get him to sit down with you and look over the material - discussing it as you go - it could go far in helping you both to undewrstand each other a lot better and move on with your relationship.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Shylittleshade]

Thanks everyone. Part of me wants to rush over to his house, burst in and say "I KNOW!!" and the other says to wait patiently, drop hints and a little letter. Tell me, would you be offended if someone found your stash before you told them? He already thinks I am "intrusive" and "a snoop" because of the VS discovery. Better to come clean with the whole discover story, or lead by slow revelation?

[nikisbest]

I would say if you think he will get upset that you went searching thru his
house, just bring up in a night of intimacy that you want him to put panties
on or something. I know, sounds pretty kinky, but I am sure the guys on this forum have thought up all kinds of things they wish their wives would have done. If your worried about being intrusive, maybe bring it up in a conversation, or just tell him in the "put on the panties" scenario, you think it will turn you on. I know it sounds like I am advocating " lieing" but I am just trying to give you another avenue to consider. One last thing, maybe the GG's on here can help as well, someone like Tamara or Bev could give you some really great ideas as far as what to say or surprise him with.
Well maybe this didnt sound to bad, it was just an idea or two.
Niki's0.02

[Rachel Morley]

I snooped around at his house when he wasn't there (yeah, I know this was bad, but a girls gotta do....)

You did ask so....I will too. What exactly were you hoping to find (or not find) by doing this? Please don't misunderstand me, I don't mean to be critical in any way at all, but your actions towards a shy, timid cder (I think this is how you described your boyfriend) are not actions of trust and understanding. Do you suspect him of something? or have you had a bad expeience in your past with guys and you wanted to verify that he is "not like the others". Just curious. 0.02

Take care

[Shylittleshade]

Angel, thank you for your question. I asked myself that same question as I did things I would have never envisioned myself doing, to insure that these crazy feelings were not just jealous paranoia.

I thought there was another woman that he was sleeping with. I've never worried about a man cheating on me before and he kept doing things, hidding stuff, partial truths about his whereabouts and outright lies about things, hastily going to his bedroom and scuttling about whenever I'd pop over, going AWOL on the last night of every business trip, and of course, the 36C bras from VS (I'm a 38D) that had my antennas standing straight up, quivering. In September, he had a completely shaved chest and nether regions ( I noticed the stubble during an intimate moment), one night I got into bed at his house, pulled back the covers and a little pair of silky pajamas from Old Navy were stuck to the top sheet. They weren't mine. Said they were his daughters from the laundry(weekends), but on the snooping adventure, I found them in his stash. Times when I wasn't ALLOWED to come over to his house...... And his house all of a sudden being shuttered tighter than Fort Knox. No way anyone from the outside was going to see anything going on inside..... I was sensing he was hidding something, I just didn't know what.

All the signs pointed to another woman. Well, I guess I found one! The most amazing revelation about these past weeks, has been my own self-discovery. Giving my own attitudes and perspectives a review and makeover, coming to realize that if you love someone, you have to love the whole person, not just the parts that work for you on the surface. And to be open to new ideas, because, maybe you really don't know everything about everything, and learning a new way, can be a better way.


Oh, and Dixie Darling, THANK YOU for that website. Excellent.

[Dana]

Snoppying, or as we say down South ~ plunderging through the house and belongings of another person is wroing ~ even if you're living with the person ~ or even if you're married ~ everyone needs their own sense of privacy ~ regardless.

From my knowledge and experience of women ~ its hard for me to believe there's a woman alive that wouldn't have done the same thing! LOL! Not that there not such a woman ~ its just that women at large have been inuindated by the experiences of other women ~ not to mention the bamblasted by the media that all men are liars, (you can tell because their lips are moving) and cheaters. (Not necessarly true) and dogs (again not necessarly true.)

To provide you with a point of reference I'm 49 as of last Monday, divorce going on 15 years. I would most definately NOT be a happy camper to find that you had gone through my house ~ crossdressing non withstanding! I live in a small rural Southern time ~ where people's favorite pasttime is minding someone's else's business. That, and talking about them. There is the also added threat that if it became known that I was a crossdresser ~ it would to say the least cause me problems, issues and difficulties at work ~ that I DON'T need.

The simple fact of the matter is ~ that crossdressers, regardless of sexual orientation are a rareity. At best 10% of the population ~ which is still a significant number, (10% of 3 billion ~ 300 million)

The thing is that the gay community believe that we're in denial of being gay ~ a none to small per centage of the TS community think we're in denial of our "T", and the rest of the so called "normal" society thing we're just in denial of reality. Whatever.

I would STRONGLY advice against telling about plundering through his house. I'm all about honsety, integrity, truthfulness, etc especially in a relationship ~ but you've already have issues to deal with, without adding additional issues. Its like the late country comedian Jerry Clower once said, "Somethings, they just to find out on their own ~ if ever!" Its not being dis-honest, its just not bringing it up and making an issue of it.

The next thing I would do would be to NOT to be focus so much that he's a crossdresser ~ a crossdresser is part of WHAT he is ~ not the sum total of WHO he is a person ~ as a man ~ as a crossdresser. That is to say ~ he's still the same person that you feel in love with ~ its just that you've had the prisim that you've been looking through all along, shift your perspective of the man you've been seeing change ~you just see a different side of him ~ that is special ~ and that he doesn't just reveal to anyone. Pyscholoically, mentally, and emotionally its can be and often is very intimate.

This is what I would do. I would take a considerable amount of time to research (here's a good place to start) how to go about creating a very romantic and intimate weekend with him. Away from his house, away from yours. No way of contacting either of you ~ except in the case of bonafide emergency. Lighting, (candles, aroma,) and romantic ambeance are paramount. Candles surronding the bathtube. perhaps some wine or champagne (just to sip ~ not to become intoxicated ~ so don't have too much on hand) This may required a bit of planning and pre-staging on your part. That is you might have to get the room the day before to set the stage ~ and that is very much what you're doing ~ setting the stage. A very soothing, relaxing, meditative, sensual experience that heigthens and awakes all of the senses, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physchologically and ~_________________.

Be playful, impish, and be playful of mind and spirit! Attempt to create another world ~ an "other world" experience where your day to day experiences and world are shut out.

Don't get into any heavy conversations ~ be playful ~ romantic. I wouldn't so much say be the agressor ~ as to be the initiator. Take things slowly ~ YOU don't want to over-load his senses.

This is just a foundation ~ some basic ideas ~ I would suggest that you continue to post on this board ~ but also seek the advice and consultation of the GG on the GG Only Board.

Again some basic things to keep in mind:

1. Of the top, most CD's believe in their hearts of heart that there aren't any women (GG) such as yourself.

2. He more than likely has embarrassement, guilt, shame, and self-acceptance issues of his own ~ which might have a negative impact.

3. It would be a save bet, that even if his crossdressing wasn't an issue to his ex-wife and the cause of his divorce, it IS an issue and was an issue, and cause of his divorce ~ at least in his mind.

4. COMMUNICATION!

5. Take baby-steps ~ go slow ~ as in walking through a mine field slow!

6. Did I mention COMMUNICATION?

7. Learn these words, and repeat them often ~ "I'm OK! You're OK!"

8. Don't foucs so much on the positives, that you lose track of reality ~ don't foucs so much on the negative, that you lose track of reality.

9. By, the way, ~ did I mention something about communication?

10. Beware of the "Kid In the Candystore" sydrone. If you don't know what that is, you're not ready to bring this to the forefront.

11. Balance, balance, balance ~ always maintain balance.

12. Don't neglect your WANTS, your NEEDS, your DESIRES, your DREAMS, your FANTASIES, your HOPES, etc. By definition "relationship" is not singular.

13. Read and know the RIGHTS OF WIFE'S OF CROSSDRESSER'S (I think it's on Dixie's site ~ or she at least has a link to it!)

14. Like Janis said, (as in Janis Joplin) its about ONE woman loving ONE man, right here, right now!

15. Educate yourself! And, help him to educate himself.

16. Be pragmatic and realistic, there ARE people just waiting out your front door, just waiting to beat you up for the least little thing ~ just to see the look on your face, ~ let alone giving them something to use to beat you up with.

17. 99% of the rest of the world ~ really doesn't care. They're too busy with their own lives, their own family, their own SO, children, bills, jobs, mortages, their day to day to give a damn!

18. Don't tell anyone, your best friend, your mother, your sisters, your priest at Confession ~ without his permission.

19. Fantasies are just that ~ fantasies ~ they seldom if ever match up to reality. Most people never act upon them ~ and of those that do ~ they regret it.

20. You could do worse than being with a crossdresser. A lot worse.

21. Last, but not least, ~ less I forget ~ COMMUNICATE!

[Shylittleshade]

Dana, Thank you. Excellent advise. I've read your reply about five times now and can see sooo much of my boyfriend in your response. Thank you for giving me a barometer of sorts on how to conduct myself during this discussion.

Soft, sweet, draw him out to let him know he is loved and safe with me. Don't push, let him know that he can tell me, but in his own time if he needs.

That's going to be my approach. Will let you know what happens after this weekend.

Thanks

[Annesah]

Shade....

Thank YOU! This is a nice thread. Hope it goes well for you both this weekend.

[Shelly Preston]

hi and welcome to the forum

Your boyfriends brain will be racing at 100 miles per hour with worry, if the crossdressing was a factor in his divorce. I think you should take things gently. I romantic time sounds ideal. I would however be on the lookout for tell tale signs. We crossdressers are not always as careful as we like to think.
If you spot one it could give you the opportunity to mention the subject.
There are also films or television programs that present the chance for you to express your approval of crossdressing. Telling him how much you love him will probably be the most important factor. You never know if you get into a hypothectial discussion you can let him know how you feel. You may if in a playful mood as a last resort ask him to try panties on for your benefit. Try not to rush things too much. Eventually he will realise how lucky he is.

Dont mention your searching his house he may mistrust you.
Remember you are fighting againt his fear of rejection so it wont be easy.

Best Wishes

[Teresa Amina]

Tell me, would you be offended if someone found your stash before you told them?

I think the operative word would be "Terrified" rather than "Offended"! I think his reaction already shows how afraid he is of being discovered. Go slow and let him calm down, but keep an eye open for that "opportunity" to talk.

[kathy gg]

I can't say how is the best way to proceed. I personally am a bull in a china store so I am sure I would have freaked the living daylights out of him had it been me in yoru shoes. SO I won't even try to advise you.

I will say I think your attitude is super freaking cool and I hope when the time does come and he knows where your head is that he treats you like a queen. If he does not ....welll I can think of about 2000 guys in here that just might....:D

[DonnaT]

One of the best indications of acceptance that I received was the first fem gift my wife bought me. Brought tears to my eyes.

So, buy him, say, a nighty, put a note in the gift box telling him you know and you love him unconditionally, and that you want to get to know his fem side. Then mail it to him.

Whatever you do, don't mention your snooping.

[KimberlyS]

There are many good different approaches for you from the different people here. And only you, being you know him, are the best place to understand what may work best. But I would also like to ditto what DonnaT said.


One of the best indications of acceptance that I received was the first fem gift my wife bought me. Brought tears to my eyes.

So, buy him, say, a nighty, put a note in the gift box telling him you know and you love him unconditionally, and that you want to get to know his fem side. Then mail it to him.

Whatever you do, don't mention your snooping.

Because, yes, a femme gift is a very heart felt gift from the one you love. As it truely shows acceptance.

My wife has given me some hand me downs, and we had bought some matching pj's together, and she has bought me diamond stud earrings. But this last Christmas she gave me an earring and neckless set that could only be worn in femme mode. And that moved me to the point I did not know what to say. Luckily the kids came in and I quickly put it away.

Good luck with talking with your BF.

KimberlyS

[sharifemme]

IF I were you, I'd just write that "I found out, and I approve! Please, let's talk! I LOVE YOU!"

[Jodie_Lynn]

I think Dana said it best. And I agree with her totally on this.

Secondly, DO NOT mention 'snooping'. EVER!!!

We all have secrets, some big, others small. How would you feel if your BF, went through your things? Your diaries and old love letters or e-mail flirtations? Would you feel intruded upon? Distrusted by your partner? Maybe even violated in a sense? Even if you had nothing to hide, the act of someone spying on you is disturbing, no? I realize that you may have had the best intentions, but the ends DO NOT justify the means.



But in any regard, I wish both you and your boyfriend the best of luck and happiness.

[Danielle]

Nice to have you join us,I have been crossdressing since 10 and I feel it's there and I never knew it intil I put on the first pair of pantyhose.It's a rush that I cannot explain,most of us are hetero. I enjoy crossdressing to release stress and having my SO accept me it's something beautiful:yrtw: :thumbsup:

[Andrea]

Good luck to you both, an understanding GG girlfriend / wife is (I think) what all crossdressing males would love to have.

Just ensure you have trust and understanding between you and as said above, dont concentrate on the CD'ing element to the exclusion of everything else. Its a part of him but you fell in love with the rest of him too.

[Jodi Lynn]

Your BF is a very lucky girl to have found someone like you that is willing to accept him for what he is. Good luck Shylittleshade, I am sure that he will open up to you when he understand how much you really do love him.

[Missy Anne's GG]

Hi shylittleshade,

First, I'd like to welcome you to the forum. You will find a lot of helpful information and many wonderful friends here.

You sound like a very understanding, loving and considerate person who is trying to approach this sensitive subject in a mature manner. The others have given you a lot of helpful information and ideas.

Best of luck to you as the days unfold. We'll be waiting here to offer our support and friendship.

Hugs,

Missy Anne's GG

[Rachel Morley]

Soft, sweet, draw him out to let him know he is loved and safe with me. Don't push, let him know that he can tell me, but in his own time if he needs.

That's going to be my approach.

Perfect! You can't go far wrong with this sort of thinking. However, don't forget yourself in this matter....what you want is just as important as what he wants :)

Good luck and try to keep things in perspective.

[JoannaDees]

Don't worry about the snooping. It's your right. He's been keeping something from you. I'd say a heart to heart talk is in order, your part being "it's irrelevant, you are who I want, I want all of you".

I would say,though, if his "freak" continues unabated, beware. There are more layers to peel.

[nikisbest]

I can't really add any more to what everyone has said, but I want to thank you for being an accepting better half.
The reason I wanted to post on this one again, DANA, that has got to be one of the best post I have EVER read on any of these boards. Very well done.
Niki

[Miss Vicki]

Start out your letter like this....
Dear Miss Vicki;


Just wishing.

[Sandi W GG]

Becareful.. I went through the same thing, I knew two months before I told him I knew. I researched, I joined groups, I asked questions. I was more nervous about him pulling away then me knowing. I finally just asked, all of my questions were answered, funny he asked me how I knew, and I said guys don't just go around shaving their legs and underarms, etc... I knew from day one. So read and approach him gently. Let him know that you are there, and are WILLING to learn and explore.. Baby steps... You will be fine!

[Shylittleshade]

Hello Girls!!!

Just a little update. I can't go into full detail right now because I am already late for work, (I know I am such a tease!!) but, I saw him briefly last night. Kept all your advice in my head. And I'll have to tell you the whole story, which I promise I will do later tonight when I get home. But, I think it went well. Tiny, tiny Baby steps, remembering what one of you said, "that his mind would be going a million miles a minute, terrified the whole time". He didn't go screaming off the porch, didn't go macho on me, I think it went ok. I felt like I was going, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty". And NO reveal that I went snooping.

I have hope, because I have love.

And I like the idea of sending him a little girl gift. I promise I'll be back later to tell all.

And if it doesn't work out in the end... well, there's always "Dear Miss Vicki:" You guys crack me up!!!!!! Thanks, you are all gems.

[Josi]

I met my SO on line so she knew "all about me" before we met.
But she was new to CDing. New to me.
When she met me for the first time she bought me a present .. two lipsticks (one red!).
What a lovely way of saying "I accept you" !! It REALLY impacted me.

Good Luck. x

[Shelly Preston]

Hi again
As all seems to be going very well you may in the future consider introducing him to this site
I would enquire with the moderators if this thread could be deleted to remove the snooping commets he may want to see what you have posted

Good Luck

[carol ann]

Shylittleshade

If ever I doubted the value of this site, this thread would have convinced me of its value. I agree with others that Dana's thoughtful contribution is so wise that it should be preserved as a must read piece for all GGs who are questiononing how to handle their relationships with crossdressing partners.

Whe we love truly someone we love the whole individual and we cannot pick and choose the bits that are convenient. We all have things about ourselves that we might not be comfortable shaing with the world in general but if you can find just one person to trust and empathise with then your whole world is uplifted.

I am sure if your boyfriend knows that you are aware of his desire to dress from time to time, and that you love him just as he is,his love for you will be multiplied, not just added to.

[Flo's wife GG]

I can only tel you that time and patience are the way to go.
If you don't have the time to shop for that special gift send her flowers with a card that says that you love her for her.

[DonnaT]

Hello Girls!!!

Just a little update. I can't go into full detail right now because I am already late for work, (I know I am such a tease!!) but, I saw him briefly last night. Kept all your advice in my head. And I'll have to tell you the whole story, which I promise I will do later tonight when I get home.

I promise I'll be back later to tell all.

Promises, promises :whistling::D

[Shylittleshade]

Ok here is the update. I hope I did you proud.

Friday evening, stopped by his house and talked on his porch for about 30 minutes. BF has a difficult time expressing emotions verbally, so have learned to read physical signs. I started slow, with an analogy of how in a prior job, I wore a special tailor made blue pantsuit & man’s tie when I knew the job that day entailed high pressure, executive level negotiations, because it gave me confidence and threw off all the macho guys. It was my armor. Kept voice low and smooth, and started making general references, to the VS purchases, the shaving, other events, which could have been construed a few different ways. Said if “what I suspected was true”, I was OK with it. “I didn’t care what the bras were purchased for.” That I believed he wasn’t using them for a thrill with sex bimbos, because he needed romance and relationship to be physically intimate. That when I stopped and looked at it all from a distance, knowing him, I could come to only one logical conclusion. And I didn’t want him to make a major decision regarding our relationship with the misconception that I might not approve of something he was doing. Kept circling the wagons. Slowly, gently. Maintained eye contact. He didn’t go screaming off the porch, or start sputtering, but there was a little color coming in his face. I felt, somehow, he knew where I was going.

Then I said gently, cautiously, “I’m just going to come out and ask: Are you crossdressing?” He rolled his eyes skyward, at which point I quickly said, “ If that’s ALL your doing, I don’t care, its OK with me, I don’t think its weird. I can accept this, I’m not going to judge you”. That I was glad in a way that over the past weeks, I came to this conclusion myself, rather than having it blurted out on the bra confrontation day , because I also am like a bull in a china closet sometimes. This way I had the time I needed to accept this and do the homework. (He knows when I’m upset or trying to figure out something, I live at Barnes and Noble.) His eyes locked on mine with a look that, I KNEW, was gauging the integrity of that statement. I didn’t take my eyes off his, kept the barely perceivable smile on my face and an outpouring, I hope, of love in my eyes. “ I don’t care if you crossdress” “Its OK with me if that’s ALL you’re doing”. (I made no mention of the snooping. Good suggestion there. I'm embarrassed that I even did it.)

Throughout this, I let the conversation drift to other innocuous subjects, but always gently brought it back. He yawned, which is the first indication that his senses and emotions were overloading. I’ve seen it before. It’s a defense mechanism. Then we joked a little, I let it go and I stood really, really close, told him I loved him, kissed a few times, and kept holding him close to me, gentle embrace. I saw the second yawn and knew that all talking was finished. His mind was whirling a million miles a minute. So I kissed him again and went home.

Saturday night, we met up at the end of the day and talked about day to day stuff for about an hour. And I never brought it up. Not a whisper. He seemed in a good mood. Very congenial, upbeat. Kiss, kiss, went home.

Today, Sunday, I did what was suggested. I went to Victoria’s Secret and bought him a pair of panties. Gift wrapped and dropped it in his in-house mailbox slot with a note saying that I know, I accept this, it is part of what makes him the man I love, you have to love the whole person, not just parts. That when, and if, he was ready to talk, I was ready to listen. Drive-by gifting, because he was not home.

So, I have softly broached the subject, surrounded with statements of love and acceptance, had a second meeting with no mention of this and left a loving note with appropriate gift. Did I follow all your heartfelt suggestions?

I hope so. Now, I guess I just wait and see if he loves me enough to share this part of himself with me, to continue the relationship, so we can all get back to happy. Gonna give him lots of time and space and see what happens, because I have never met anyone as special as him. He is worth every moment of sweet, love anquish I may have to go through.

Thanks sooooo much for all your guidance. I don’t think I would have had the courage or grace to take this first step without you all. But, as my mother says, be careful what you wish for, you may get it! We’ll see! Cross your fingers and legs! (Sorry, I’ve picked up a little CD humor being here).

[Shylittleshade]

I understand fully your concerns about the fighting and telling integrity issue. However, there are things you tell and things you don't. Regardless of how angry I may be at him, I would never blurt this out to anyone else. He has children and never in a million years would I want them hurt and where we live is rather inbred, so you never know who knows whom here. I learned that a long time ago myself.

If anyone else finds out who knows him, it won't ever come from my lips. There are things he knows about my family that could do far more damage and I know for a fact that he will go to his grave with those secrets. Therefore he will get the same from me as I know I could never betray someone I love. Even if I am no longer in a relationship with them.

Thank you for providing an objective opinion. I am not sorry that I have enough information now to know the truth, I'm just ashamed at how I obtained some of it. And for the record, he knows that I have been in his house a few times when he was not there. I just never told him what I found. I gave him back my access willingly. Too much temptation. What is it they say about idle hands and the devil????? And, I am a firm believer that everything that goes around, comes around. Build good karma, not bad.

[Ellaine]

Shylittleshade Hi and a very big welcome :)

What an amazing lady you are! Truly. Not just for being so accepting, or for being so willing to educate yourself on this matter, but also for your ability to deal with his reticence by reading his body language and calmly persuing a suitable line. I bet you could "tickle" trout no problem. lol

I have to bet, you get your quarry. And I wish you both, the very brightest future possible. Though I think he needs a good shake ;)

I'm afraid I'd have been tempted to "post" his gift pants into his gaping mouth, if he yawned when I was trying so hard to communicate lol

Good luck babe.

[rachellenicole]

Shade,
You are a truly wounderful woman, hopefully he has realized that he has found the woman of his dreams. Most Cd'ers would give-up a limb for an understanding and loving person like you. You have an attitude similar to my wife's. She is an outstanding lady. The best of luck to both of you.

Rachelle

[donna h]

He is very lucky you are supportive of him and his dressing. Talking to my SO about dressing is not easy . He may well need time to realize you are OK with it, just as we males must give our SOs time to understand us . Dont rush him hes lucky to have you. Try to make him comfortable with himself and he should open up. Good luck to you both

[DonnaT]

Ok here is the update. I hope I did you proud.
Well, to tell you the truth, you done good. :clap:

Now let's see how smart he is :)

[Miss Vicki]

Hello Girls!!!

Just a little update. I can't go into full detail right now because I am already late for work, (I know I am such a tease!!) but, I saw him briefly last night. Kept all your advice in my head. And I'll have to tell you the whole story, which I promise I will do later tonight when I get home. But, I think it went well. Tiny, tiny Baby steps, remembering what one of you said, "that his mind would be going a million miles a minute, terrified the whole time". He didn't go screaming off the porch, didn't go macho on me, I think it went ok. I felt like I was going, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty". And NO reveal that I went snooping.

I have hope, because I have love.

And I like the idea of sending him a little girl gift. I promise I'll be back later to tell all.

And if it doesn't work out in the end... well, there's always "Dear Miss Vicki:" You guys crack me up!!!!!! Thanks, you are all gems.
And if it doesn't work out in the end... well, there's always "Dear Miss Vicki:"

I truly hope that things are working out between you and your SO. There is nothing in this world that can be more beautiful then the relationship that you two should have. I am just waiting for my "Dear John, thanks for being you, but see you later, letter"

[Shylittleshade]

Dear Miss Vicki:

I am sorry to write at this point that things are not going well. The boyfriend has gone completely AWOL and covert, house is dark 24/7, not answering the phone, returning messages or text messages since present was given. He's not dead, because his car is at work (just checking to make sure he is not hanging by a rope in the basement). I am afraid that I have sent my sweet little rabbit into his hole. He was not ready, I guess, for anyone to know.

So, space and time. And notes of love. That's all I have to give him right now. But, love and hope spring eternal.

Thanks for your best wishes.

SLS

[sharifemme]

SLS...

As with most of us, you have much more than my best wishes. You girls both have my prayers and will be in my thoughts daily. Please keep us informed and above all, if you love her, DON"T GIVE UP on her. I'd hate to see your Sboyfriend become as screwed up as I was for so many years. Please be patient. Coming out of denial is REALLY hard for us. You might be rewarded with a truly devoted person as your SO if you persevere.

You are a precious, precious woman and I am so lucky and glad to have had the opportunity to exchange messages with you. Hope everything works out for you.

Sharifemme

"PROUD to be a SISSY!"



Dear Miss Vicki:

I am sorry to write at this point that things are not going well. The boyfriend has gone completely AWOL and covert, house is dark 24/7, not answering the phone, returning messages or text messages since present was given. He's not dead, because his car is at work (just checking to make sure he is not hanging by a rope in the basement). I am afraid that I have sent my sweet little rabbit into his hole. He was not ready, I guess, for anyone to know.

So, space and time. And notes of love. That's all I have to give him right now. But, love and hope spring eternal.

Thanks for your best wishes.

SLS

[Miss Vicki]

Dear Shylittleshade;
My thoughts are with you as you continue to help and seek love with your chosen partner. I am sure that he is unsure of how a relationship with you will blossom. It is very possible that he is worried that after the novelty wears off,and then you leavehim, that he will be left alone and wondering if can trust anyone in the future with his secret.
When my first wife found out she outed me to everyone that we both knew. It was difficult to come back from that as I was labeled with many adjectives. However, time does heal old wounds.

My best wishes again. If you want to, please PM me.
Good Luck. You are one in a million.

[ashlee chiffon]

welll...if i was to advise...

No letter...he's probably going to be upset you snooped, embarassed you know, and uncomfortible with it being put to him that way...if anything, conversation is best...

i'd ease into it and follow the other gals many suggestions here..maybe suggest he wear you're panties for some play, etc. and let him get comfortible with coming out to you...you can always fess up and tell him you know...just don't surprise him in a letter!
my humble thoughts...

[Sandi W GG]

Shy,
Be patient... Honey he most likely thinking... Give him space, and no contact at this tme probebly will get you further along, try not to keep calling and do not go by unannounced.. He will call.... Trust me Patience is the key word here,, He is trying to sort things out....
Sandi GG

[Shylittleshade]

Sandi W GG

I hope you're right on this. I feel I have plowed the road to show my acceptance and I guess the good news is that he hasn't shoved the gift back in my mailbox. But it is so frustrating. Last Monday I went to his house and expressed my frustration and hurt over the entire "I need to be by myselfness" that is going on right now. It was pretty much a one way conversation.

The next day he left a voice mail saying how sorry he is that he's hurt me, but he's not comfortable with himself right now, and that he has to be comfortable with himself before he can commit to anyone or anything. That he didn't like who he was. And that the things I found in his house were not anything like my wildest imaginations, that he may tell me one day, but that right now he can't. (He is also borderline alcoholic, so I don't know which is fueling the other.) It appears to be a cycle.

I have to trust that you've been through this before and that time and space is what he needs. that he is coming around to the fact that someone knows. Me, I would be happy if he would just put on a damn camisole under his teeshirt, paint his nails and come to dinner.

I figured out a long time ago that I am a new soul. Don't know the way on a lot of things, bump through life clueless, like a bull in a china closet lots of the time. But what I lack in wisdom, I make up for in enthusiasm, a thirst for knowledge, learning and understanding and an infinite ability to forgive injuries to me and show unconditional love.

I remembered this wonderful quote in the bible:

Ecclesiastes 4:9:12

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labour; For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat; but how can one be warm alone? And though another might prevail against one who is alone, two shall withstand him.....

It doesn't say anything here about not lifting the other up if he is wearing a bra too.....

[LucyTwitch]

Hi

Hope he dose come out soon, Time is the key for him now as mentioned before. He is a lucky peason to have you around.

All the best from the UK.

[DonnaT]

I wish there was a way to get him to understand that he needs to accept himself as is. This part of him isn't going away, and it would be a trying thing, especially for anyone that turns to alcohol, to hate part of oneself for the rest of their life.

Sorry the gift thing didn't work out for you. But then again, maybe it did. At least now you know how he feels about this side of himself.

It can be hard being in a relationship where one party has self esteem issues.

[PTPJen]

Hi Shy Little Shade,


Just my two cents worth, I think your a wonderful girl to be so aacepting.

What your BF is going though now is a stange that I went through with my wife when I first told her. I was happy she found out, she was a little negative but didn't say so long so that was good.

I was very ashamed that she knew I dressed and the macho man in me just made me shut her out on the subject. Being a guy that last thing you want is your SO to thing your a sissy or something and that shame can play a lot of tricks in your head. First like if she knows who else knows? Like if she figued it out who else did. He propbaly thinking that you think he weird, that the relationship will nevr be the same now that you know and the timing of how you found out without him revealing himself to you makes his mind thing that I'm outed to everyone.

It took several months of soul searching for me to actully talk to my wife about the dressing. I was concerned about what she thought, what or who would she tell.

My wife and I set up some rules, she would know if I went to a CD support group and dressed there (So she didn't think I was out clubbing with the guys for a date).

My wife dosen't want to see me fully dressed and I'm not sure I want her to see me dressed, but over time at home I wear nylons and sandles and panties almost everyday. I sometimes go out in some mail clothes but fem shoes and nylons and she is fine with that. We a few times a year, (When dressed as amale but some fem clothes) we shop for me and of course her LOL!!

I still to this day have some embarassment with the idea of dressing because of the Man Macho thing but over the years has gotten better.

Time does heal, so Time is what you need to give him, the next move is his, what he's thinking now i sthis something I want to share, is this something I can get over (You never lose the urge just throw away clothes and start over several months later.

Hope it works out. Jenn

[Dana]

Hi Shy Little Shade,


Just my two cents worth, I think your a wonderful girl to be so aacepting.

What your BF is going though now is a stange that I went through with my wife when I first told her. I was happy she found out, she was a little negative but didn't say so long so that was good.

I was very ashamed that she knew I dressed and the macho man in me just made me shut her out on the subject. Being a guy that last thing you want is your SO to thing your a sissy or something and that shame can play a lot of tricks in your head. First like if she knows who else knows? Like if she figued it out who else did. He propbaly thinking that you think he weird, that the relationship will nevr be the same now that you know and the timing of how you found out without him revealing himself to you makes his mind thing that I'm outed to everyone.

It took several months of soul searching for me to actully talk to my wife about the dressing. I was concerned about what she thought, what or who would she tell.

My wife and I set up some rules, she would know if I went to a CD support group and dressed there (So she didn't think I was out clubbing with the guys for a date).

My wife dosen't want to see me fully dressed and I'm not sure I want her to see me dressed, but over time at home I wear nylons and sandles and panties almost everyday. I sometimes go out in some mail clothes but fem shoes and nylons and she is fine with that. We a few times a year, (When dressed as amale but some fem clothes) we shop for me and of course her LOL!!

I still to this day have some embarassment with the idea of dressing because of the Man Macho thing but over the years has gotten better.

Time does heal, so Time is what you need to give him, the next move is his, what he's thinking now i sthis something I want to share, is this something I can get over (You never lose the urge just throw away clothes and start over several months later.

Hope it works out. Jenn

Jenn hit it on the head and then some ~ and then for me ~ there's still more ~ that I even find HARD to articulate. Being transgendered ~ in whatrever its manifestations ~ and alcohol ~ is HELL!

I'm going to catch some flak for this for sure ~ but REF: my post about "Sign Me Up For A Lifetime of This!" Being TG, ISN'T something I choose ~ and if I had a choice ~ I would have chossen to have been a regualr guy. Whatever, the Hell that is?

And, then again, I wouldn't have.

Me? I'm at the point to where I rather be "Me" and alone ~ than be miserable trying to be someone ~ something I'm not ~ and can never be!

[ShortSkirt]

Shy,
Be patient... Honey he most likely thinking... Give him space, and no contact at this tme probebly will get you further along, try not to keep calling and do not go by unannounced.. He will call.... Trust me Patience is the key word here,, He is trying to sort things out....
Sandi GG

Wise words. :winking:

[Scotty]

I wish I could have seen this post sooner - I would have suggested against the gift, and I know that sounds like a monday night quarterback but I was him at one point in my life.

He's not comfortable with it, embarrassed about it, shy about it, and definintely not trusting.

The absolute BEST thing you can do is hang in there and t ry to stay friends with him if it doesn't work out in the romantic sense.......then, only then, will he trust you.

I'm in that boat now, and we've had our fights and she has not once, ever, told anyone and I can trust her about that now.......although she did throw it in my face one time and it took almost 2 years before I would dress again but I wasn't comfortable doing that with her until after it was all over and we were just friends......

On the other hand if you can prove to him you're OK with it (Not just saying it), and you can prove to him that he can trust you - then it may all work out.


Youve' got a spunk about you, any guy should be lucky to have a gal like you - the comments about the blue slacks/suit etc - that's gutsy....and smart....

Good luck to you, I hope it works out!!

[christine55]

To many CD's their biggest fear is that someone else will find out. Especially a loved one. My first feeling when I read this is that I did not think too highly of him for his reaction to you but I guess I've got enough of my own craziness as well. Best of luck. Hopefully he will mellow out toward you. If he stays so closed and wont open up a bit, even after the cats out of the bag (love does involve a certain amount of trust) I would wonder about his suitability as a partner for a wonderful girl like yourself.
Hugs, Christine