View Full Version : If CD'ing isn't,...................
A deal-beaker ~ (divorce ~ breakup) what is?
I've been married and divorce only once. That was fifteen years ago. At the time the ex left, I was the kind of husband that picked up the kids from the sitters, took them home, helped them and checked their homework, got supper started, got the clothes out of the dryer, got another load started in the washer ~ got the kids their baths, etc. The wife worked and my attitude was housework was whoever hit the backdoor first? I usually got home before the wife. The wife worked ~ but since I earned enough to cover all the expenses ~ the wife worked only for "her money" I didn't cheat, run around with other women ~ lay out in the clubs with the fella's, drink up, gamble away the rent ~ grocery money, etc. Never laid a hand on her, (sorely tempted to grab her by the shoulders and shake the ever~living H**l out her a couple of times!)
When I got the divorce papers, all I could get out her (and to this day still the same) was that I had to change ~ and that I was a workaholic. My CD'ing by relative compassion was mild and insignificant and periodic ~ if not spasmadic. I really was attempting to walk the walk ~ and talk the talk the role that I was cast to play.
So, the question comes to my mind ~ if CD'ing isn't a "deal breaker" what is?
Lilian
04-22-2006, 02:27 AM
Dana. I don't know what she left for you sound like you were a very helpful man,:) But the thing is I have been told that sometimes you can do to much for some people. Maybe she felt that you were taking over he role as a housewife I really don't know. But I wish you all the best in the future. Hils GG xx
kittypw GG
04-22-2006, 04:18 AM
Dana,
You sounded like a great husband but your list of things were just that, a list of THINGS. I didn't see anywhere that you payed attention to the relationship. Doing all of the other things are important for sure and when my husband takes care of these then I totally appreciated it. But I would take a special moment with my husband over a clean house anyday.
Now for deal breakers:
My husband wearing a bra everyday. I want to keep crossdressing a special thing that we do together.
Him taking hormones or changing his body physically like getting breast implants or srs.
Him making anything a priority over our relationship. Like watching tv, being on the internet. Self gratification is ok as long as it does not take away from our sex life but I get very upset when we can't be intimate because he has spent his energy on himself.
Kitty
Thanks Kitty! Oh! I've long since have put 2 and 2 together. It was as you said, I had 2/3's of being married figured out ~ but definately was lacking in the "relationship maintenance" department ~ and after twelve years ~ well she had needs as a woman that I just wasn't fulfilling ~ the emotional needs of a woman ~ Such things as "Date Your Mate!" "What it takes to get her, is what it takes to keep her!" Etc.
As the song goes ~ "Little Things Mean A Lot!" or,.................(Just ran across this yesterday ~ kind of feels in the gaps in understanding that you can have a great paying job, be a great provider, great father, great husband around the house ~ but,................................ Thought you GG's might enjoy!
Artist/Band: Nichols Joe
Lyrics for Song: Size Matters (Someday)
Lyrics for Album: III
Someday she wants a big ol' house
Sittin' on a big ol' hill
And a mile long tree lined driveway
For her big ol' Coupe DeVille
Yeah, someday she wants a big ol' bank account
With too much to spend
But right now all she wants is a man
With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters
Someday she wants a big o' ring
With a big ol' rock that shines
And a big ol' walk-in closet
With shoes of every kind
Yeah, someday she wants a big ol' boat
She can lay around gettin' a tan
But right now all she wants is a man
With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters
With a big ol' heart
Who can love her like nobody can
Big ol' kisses that go on and on
And never end
With a big ol' smile
He'll fill her world with laughter
Size matters, size matters
Size matters
Joy Carter
04-22-2006, 10:50 AM
I work hard and so does she we never forget to touch and comliment each other at least once a day, life is so good !
I work hard and so does she we never forget to touch and comliment each other at least once a day, life is so good !
Dr. Ellen Kreidman of "Light Her Fire / Light His Fire" recommends coming home at the end of the day an re-connecting by kissing for one solid minute, (try it sometime ~ set the timer on the microwave ~ you'll get giggles and laughter, and smiles out it ~ if nothing else! LOL!) as well as spending the first thirty minutes without any outside distractions, (no TV, no newspaper, no stereo, no kids) just sitting and talking about the YOUR current events, what's going on with each other, how each other's day went, what on each other's current agenda.
Anita Mae GG
04-23-2006, 07:57 AM
Dr. Ellen Kreidman of "Light Her Fire / Light His Fire" recommends coming home at the end of the day an re-connecting by kissing for one solid minute, (try it sometime ~ set the timer on the microwave ~ you'll get giggles and laughter, and smiles out it ~ if nothing else! LOL!) as well as spending the first thirty minutes without any outside distractions, (no TV, no newspaper, no stereo, no kids) just sitting and talking about the YOUR current events, what's going on with each other, how each other's day went, what on each other's current agenda.
That's all great and wonderful if you don't have 4 kids (3 little ones 2,4 &7 and a 16 year old)...somehow them (littel ones) running to the door excited to see daddy outweighs my needing to kiss hime for a minute. That being said it would be nice to get the 30 minutes of connection time but reality doesn't allow for that right now.....
I do believe you have to "date your mate" nad make an effort to chrm them like you did when you first met.....
That's all great and wonderful if you don't have 4 kids (3 little ones 2,4 &7 and a 16 year old)...somehow them (littel ones) running to the door excited to see daddy outweighs my needing to kiss hime for a minute. That being said it would be nice to get the 30 minutes of connection time but reality doesn't allow for that right now.....
I do believe you have to "date your mate" nad make an effort to chrm them like you did when you first met.....
Sorry, Tammy, I'm not letting you off that easy ~ she alsio wrote a book ~ perhaps has it on CD, called "How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?" by Ellen Kreidman, Radom House Publishers, ISBN 0-679-4157-0
Anita Mae GG
04-23-2006, 10:34 AM
Sorry, Tammy, I'm not letting you off that easy ~ she alsio wrote a book ~ perhaps has it on CD, called "How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy?" by Ellen Kreidman, Radom House Publishers, ISBN 0-679-4157-0
I will read it!!!! :D
rickie121x
04-23-2006, 10:50 AM
.... But I would take a special moment with my husband over a clean house anyday.
Now for deal breakers: My husband wearing a bra everyday. I want to keep crossdressing a special thing that we do together.
Him taking hormones or changing his body physically like getting breast implants or srs.
Him making anything a priority over our relationship. Like watching tv, being on the internet. Self gratification is ok as long as it does not take away from our sex life but I get very upset when we can't be intimate because he has spent his energy on himself.
Kitty Kitty: I am so enlightened by your statements about "him" wearing a bra... taking hormones... changing his body physically. It makes sense to me that you want the man that you married, and that you would like the "special things that we do together" to be kept special for the two of you. I believe that I understand those feelings clearly. I have sensed those notions in ladies with whom I have had open and honest relationships. I am glad that you have brought these out vividly. Thank you.
Self Gratifications: I am sure that in your life, you have some times/occasions that you are attending to yourself, and that these might be in some way taking away from "our" sex life.... I am so confident that he is not alone in this notion - or possibly that is something that I do not understand about women - that you can do selfish activities and not take away from the couple's sex life. I appreciate your statement, for I believe it to be honest and forthright, however I do not believe that he is alone in some selfish activity.
I love to go out to parties, BDSM parties, with a date (Used to be my significant other...) and I wonder if this is a situation where I am diluting "our sex life" by sharing it with others????
With respect, and admiration in so many ways...
Richard/rickie... depending....
kittypw GG
04-23-2006, 10:50 AM
Dana,
I love a guy/gal who can quote a song!!! I can't believe you are single! It must be a personal choice. You are a very interesting person and I love your thougths on things. Kitty
kittypw GG
04-23-2006, 11:13 AM
Rickie,
I would never deny my husband nor myself intimate time alone. I'm just saying that "our" sexual relationship should be the priority regardless of what is outside of that. If that is not paid attention to then either party can start to feel like a prop rather than an essential part of the relationship. Both parties in a relationship have a need to feel special and that they are the others priority. I hope that makes sense? Kitty
BrendaB GG
04-23-2006, 11:36 AM
The dealbreaker for me would be cheating. That is having an affair with another person.
Brenda
That's all great and wonderful if you don't have 4 kids (3 little ones 2,4 &7 and a 16 year old)...somehow them (littel ones) running to the door excited to see daddy outweighs my needing to kiss hime for a minute. That being said it would be nice to get the 30 minutes of connection time but reality doesn't allow for that right now.....
I do believe you have to "date your mate" nad make an effort to chrm them like you did when you first met.....
Hellen covers that very thing in her material. You've got to make the TIME! The 7 and 16 year old can't keep the other two little ones occupied for 30 minutes? The thing is that Hellen emphasis is that these little stolen moments are the life-blood of a relationship. Having purchased and gone over her material over and over ~ I am absolutely convinced that what does most relationships in is the day to day routine, monotony that sets in. Its the bills, the ballgames, the job, the boss, the MIL, the other in laws, the neighbors, the running helter~skelter.
One of the thing that Helen covers is that people stay together because of how the other person makes the other person feel ABOUT themselves. Which is why, in a recent Dear Abby article, I read about how a woman the perfect Soccer mom, kept an emaculate house, etc, and couldn't get her husband to pay her any attention ~ all the while the next door neighbor was a complete slob ~ and her husband adored her! Why? Because of the way that she made HIM feel about himself.
Here's a couple of links that might be of interst to you ~ and I believe they would be to any Mother (IMHO ~ the word ~ Should always be capatilized ~ out o respect~~!) of four children. Here's the links:
About budgeting, dealing with feeding the horde, making end meet:
http://www.cheapskatemonthly.com//member_thoughtfortoday.asp?ID=4272&TFTD=True
To help you in juggling the endless housework etc.
http://www.flylady.net/index.asp
Dana,
I love a guy/gal who can quote a song!!! I can't believe you are single! It must be a personal choice. You are a very interesting person and I love your thougths on things. Kitty
Thanks, Kitty. And, yes I'm single by choice ~ a choice that I made over eight years ago ~ when I broke up with my last long-term GF. I've not even been on a date in eight years ~ I guess if I were to actually ask someone else out.
I live in a very rural, very conservative Southern town. There are good women around ~ like there are good jobs around ~ but they tend to be few of them ~ and what one's of them there are, they tend to already be taken, and the people that have them ~ have had them for a good long while, plan on keeping them and you're going to have to fight them to get them away from them, LOL.
Then there's the CD thing ~ which isn't on most women's Hit Parade List. Although I would be more than willing to be flexable with and about that.
And, I know I keep coming back to this ~ but I've gone through all the "Light Her Fire" material. Originally I just read the $5 paperback version and applied that to my last GF. Its VERY strong and powerful material ~ and from that I researched and read other material. Its so strong and powerful ~ that I'm careful about applying it ~ least I get involved with someone I don't want to be in a relationshp with, but can't get her to leave me alone.
It has some romance in it, that is certainly part of the material, but a lot of it is about communication, both giving and receving. So NOW, when I hear a woman say "X", I hear "X", instead of hearing "Y"
The material also taught me to think about "her" as the unique individual that she is.
Case in point ~ having read the paperback version of "Light Her Fire" our first Valentines Day with my last GF, I dutifullly went to the florist. In the floral shop was crowded with men, buying the standard issues dozen or half dozen roses. As I went into the shop, I was thinking, "Its got to be special, unique, and different!" As I was waiting in line, I spied a few things. When it came my turn, I told the receptionist, "I want that wicker basket, with the heart shaped handle, wrapped with those heart shaped (like XMAS lights) wrapped around the handle, (the blinked on and off), with that Teddy bear holding a single read rose in one hand, and that heart shaped ballon in the other, and I want it delivered to this addess.
She was a school teacher, and I had it delivered to her school. The other teachers and teacher aides came around to see it, and we JEALOUS and PO'd at their husband (it really was something to see) saying, "All I got was a dozen roses ~ the same thing I get EVERY year!" For about three months afterwards ~ I could do no wrong.
And, then I would do thing like that for no special reason. I would use to stop off at the florist shop the day before I would havee to be into work , and buy a rose or two. Sometimes I would leave them in her car ~ other times I would leave them on my pillow ~ with a note that said ~ "Roses are red, viloets are blue ~ I'm at work, but I'm thinking of you." On cold winter mornings I would go out and warm up her car for her.
Like I said ~ the little things ~ mean a lot. Another time ~ I had to go out of town on a moment's notice, and had to pack and leave while she was still at work. I called her of course, and told her. But, before I left ~ I left heart shaped post it notes, scribbled with notes of endearment on them ~ whereever she would go about her daily "getting home" routine. Inside the medicine cabinet, inside the refrigerator, inside the covered with the pots and pans, and dishes, etc. Again, when I got back into town ~ I could do no wrong.
I learned that you can get a lot of mileage and a lot of forgiveness out of a little day to day effort.
We broke up, because she was from one state ~ and I'm from another, and so when I retired from the military ~ I wanted and needed to move back Home. For all intents and purposes my two chldren and grandon ~ are the only family that I have left ~ and so in the end ~ she couldn't/wouldn't leave her family ~ and I couldn't/wouldn't leave mine.
My point is that if we as DH, DBF were to make a greater effort toward meeting the needs, wants, dreams, fantasies of our DW, DGF, that perhaps they would be more willing to be accomadating ours?
Seriosilly GG
04-23-2006, 03:16 PM
I am sorry to hear about your experience, Dana. A woman would be lucky to have you.
The thing about deal breakers, everyone has them and they are normally not the same. I've known my friends to take back a cheater (I would never) or to be put off by something as silly as thinning hair (personally, I don't get this at all!) The old advice of just being who you are, being attentive, caring works for me.
Just get to know a woman when you are interested, and you'll learn hers.
kittypw GG
04-23-2006, 03:24 PM
My point is that if we as DH, DBF were to make a greater effort toward meeting the needs, wants, dreams, fantasies of our DW, DGF, that perhaps they would be more willing to be accomadating ours?
I think this is absolutly right. How could you deny someone anything after he/she treated you like that. This is the stuff that makes someone be accepting. You naturally want to please your spouse and when they go to great lengths to please you with no thought of something in return well .......I personally would give them back the moon. Kitty
I think this is absolutly right. How could you deny someone anything after he/she treated you like that. This is the stuff that makes someone be accepting. You naturally want to please your spouse and when they go to great lengths to please you with no thought of something in return well .......I personally would give them back the moon. Kitty
Its just my 0.02 worth, but, I think many of us CD's are putting the cart before the horse when it comes to our relationships with GG ~ and that before we address our wants and needs, that we should be attnetive to our SO's wants and needs first.
dancinginthedark
04-23-2006, 11:37 PM
Dana,
I have to agree with several of the other posts here about love and marriage and I think Kitty is right on the money in my book. Sounds like you have your sh1t together too now. :D I only have a couple of other thoughts of my own to add.
It's clear to me the real meaning in my life has been not in my work or my success in any other life endeavor, it's been in my family. I love them. We share four grown children and have a twleve year-old still at home. We have been blessed with five grandbabies too. I love them all to bits. But my husband is and always will be first in my heart. We started as two and we will end as two. Those kids and grandbabies are a direct result of the love I have for my husband and I have never forgotten that fact. In fact there is a saying that says it all: "Love is the Answer." I think with enough love you can handle anything life throws at you.
Oh, as a mommy I know how much those babies love their daddy and I would have never dreamed of denying them or my DH the joy of welcoming daddy home. I let the kids get in their lovings and some chatter [usually only takes 10 minutes or so] and then they are off to play again. Some days I would step in and tell them daddy needs to unwind now and they were "good to go" since they felt loved and included by this little ritual. The kids were very used to seeing DH and I sharing kisses and hugs and lots of affection too. They knew mommy and daddy loved each other and them too. We found little pockets of time to cuddle and talk. Yep, we do the date thing but in the early years those dates were far and few between. We both knew that this too would past and those kids would some day be grown and gone so we held on to what time we could together and each other. Not ideal by any book I am sure,but between the book's version of life and the made for TV movie's version is where I live, real life.
Dana, If I ever find a deal breaker where I would leave my DH I will let you know, but for now I hang in there for the good times and the bad and he does the same. BTW~No cross-dressing for me is not a deal breaker. When I found out I was scared and it took time to get my mind wrapped around it all, but my husband is the love of my life in jeans or in a skirt. :rose:
All good and valid point ~ VERY valid indeed. Absolutely one of the most cherished memories of my life was coming home from a hard day at work, having deatl with the people that worked for me, and with me, and dragging my tired, worn out, butt home ~ exhausated, metally, emotionally, spiritually, physically drained ~ my butt more oftentimes than not feeling like a teething puppy's chew toy ~ OUCH~!!
But, when I pulled up in the driveway, and to have my children drop what they were doing, and come running and screaming at the top of their lungs, like bunch of wild screaming Indians, "DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!!!! DADDY'S HOME!" brought a andrenline rush that is un-discribable. And, coming home very much rejuivnated me ~ emotionally, physically, spiritually, on any and all levels.
Five years before my divorce, I was in a very stressful job, (Drill Instrutor ~ two on the street, one off, then back again ~ volunteered so the ex could be close to as possible to family back home). Not recognizing what was happening ~ from the stress ~ I very much would come home from having been beaten up each day ~ that I would literally come home pull the blinds, close the drapes, take the phone off the hook, and not answer the door. At 28, laying in bed with chest pains~ stress. At 29 had a knot grow on my forehead, half the size of a golf ball ~ stress. By the time I got off of the "Island" the damage was done ~ there was too much water over the damn and under the bridge. And, yes for somethere is a definate co-relation between stress and crossdressing.
There's a saying that goes like this: "When your up to your butt in alligators and water mocassions, one tends to forget that their initial objective was to drain the swamp!"
I think a lot of people start out that way. With the best of intentions ~ but we get so wrapped up in the day to day ~ you forget why and how you started out down this path? I'm a big fan of the Dr. Phil. I've bought his books and I watch his show. One of the things that he emphaises is that the time to get real about your life is ~ NOW! In one of his books, he illustrates that from the time a person is 20 until they're 70, they have 50 years, 600 months, 2600 weeks, 18,200 days. Life is truly SHORT!
Another thing that he emphasis is that of being accountable. Accountable to yourself ~ if noone else. Own up to who and what you are. The question of "Why are you a crossdresser?" is always coming up, and despite having spent countless hours on the internet, in libaries, in Barnes and Nobles, Walldenbooks, and Books a Million ~ I still cannot fully answer that question. But, I have learned to be accountable for it and to it ~ to and for myself if nothing else nor anyone else.
I've learned that when you think your fooling someone ~ you're only fooling yourself. IMHO, I find it laughable, when I read a CD post that they've been CD in the closet for over X amount of years and the DW or DGF doesn't suspect a thing. Its like cheating ~ you know. You don't spend X amount of years with someone and NOT know! That's not to say that you're NOT in denial, or that you don't rationalize it away, or that you don't dismiss it, but deep down ~ you know. DENIAL ~ isn't just a river in Egypt. I've been through it with my Ex. I knew ~ and I didn't have to call Cheaters.com to know. My gut instinct told me!
Off subject for just a second ~ and not to be-little your post nor committment to your family nor DH ~ a local Mobile Home company is running an add on TV. Its shows an elderly couple sitting in rocking chairs. The DW says to the DH, "I want to know when you're going to make good on that promise you made!" "What promise?" says the DH. "The one for richer and better! Lord knows you made good on the one about poorer and worse!" LOL!
God Bless
dancinginthedark
04-24-2006, 01:14 AM
Okay you have another fan here. I have firmly joined Kitty in thinking you are wonderful. :cheeky:
I admit I did the "why" thing too when I found out about his CD and never found a definative answer to that. But I did find a couple of answers that brought me peace. I don't have to understand everything in life to live life completley and I don't have to understand everything about my husband to love him completely either. In the end "why" is not any more important than why he has brown eyes or why his laugh makes me smile every darn time I hear it. It's a part of him. I love the guy so I don't have to understand or know why. I know enough to know I love him. And that's good enough for me.
Okay you have another fan here. I have firmly joined Kitty in thinking you are wonderful. :cheeky:
I admit I did the "why" thing too when I found out about his CD and never found a definative answer to that. But I did find a couple of answers that brought me peace. I don't have to understand everything in life to live life completley and I don't have to understand everything about my husband to love him completely either. In the end "why" is not any more important than why he has brown eyes or why his laugh makes me smile every darn time I hear it. It's a part of him. I love the guy so I don't have to understand or know why. I know enough to know I love him. And that's good enough for me.
In the MC, (Marine Corps) I got into a heated argument with an atheist, and a agnostic once. They throwed all kinds of intellectual arguments at me, but in the end I told them this,................"I pray there's a Heaven, and I hope there's not a Hell! I believe based upon faith, and faith alone. I don't need a book, nor books to beleve, I don't need a Pope, nor a Bishop, nor even a Preacher. I believe based upon faith and faith alone ~ and not because someone tells me to believe"
You? You believe in your DH, your children, your grandchildren, your family ~ and that's enough. You have great FAITH, in yourself, in your DH, in your Children, and in your beloved of beloved grandchildren (LOL! I know! I have one now! Aren't they great!)
I wished, I truly wished that I had the answers to the questions ~ the solutions to the problems as to why ~ I have this want, this need, this desire, this very strong desire to CD.
Its cost me ~ it cost me mentally, emotionally, finacially, materially, spiritually it has literally set me back 10 - 20 years from where I should be in my life at this point in time of my life! I paid for it ~ through the nose and the other end.
Finding someone who loves you ~ who truly loves you ~ is hard. All I can say is if and when you find that person ~ don't screw it up! Its more precious than all the gold, all the silver, all the jewels in the world. Its a most precious thing!
In my life, I've learned to count my blessings, and not my sorrows. I've learned to concentrate on the positive, the positive, the positive. Daily, I tell myself ~ "But, by the Grace of Almighty God ~ there go I" and "God has laid many great, wonderous, and beautiful things at your feet _____ don't cast them before swine as though they were nothing ~for they are blessings! And you are turly blessed!"
I'm sorry,..............if only I had the answers? The solutions? You are a good person, a good individual, a good woman! May God bless you and yours for all the days of your lives!
Okay you have another fan here. I have firmly joined Kitty in thinking you are wonderful. :cheeky:
I admit I did the "why" thing too when I found out about his CD and never found a definative answer to that. But I did find a couple of answers that brought me peace. I don't have to understand everything in life to live life completley and I don't have to understand everything about my husband to love him completely either. In the end "why" is not any more important than why he has brown eyes or why his laugh makes me smile every darn time I hear it. It's a part of him. I love the guy so I don't have to understand or know why. I know enough to know I love him. And that's good enough for me.
In the MC, (Marine Corps) I got into a heated argument with an atheist, and a agnostic once. They throwed all kinds of intellectual arguments at me, but in the end I told them this,................"I pray there's a Heaven, and I hope there's not a Hell! I believe based upon faith, and faith alone. I don't need a book, nor books to beleve, I don't need a Pope, nor a Bishop, nor even a Preacher. I believe based upon faith and faith alone ~ and not because someone tells me to believe"
You? You believe in your DH, your children, your grandchildren, your family ~ and that's enough. You have great FAITH, in yourself, in your DH, in your Children, and in your beloved of beloved grandchildren (LOL! I know! I have one now! Aren't they great!)
I wished, I truly wished that I had the answers to the questions ~ the solutions to the problems as to why ~ I have this want, this need, this desire, this very strong desire to CD.
Its cost me ~ it cost me mentally, emotionally, finacially, materially, spiritually it has literally set me back 10 - 20 years from where I should be in my life at this point in time of my life! I paid for it ~ through the nose and the other end.
Finding someone who loves you ~ who truly loves you ~ is hard. All I can say is if and when you find that person ~ don't screw it up! Its more precious than all the gold, all the silver, all the jewels in the world. Its a most precious thing!
In my life, I've learned to count my blessings, and not my sorrows. I've learned to concentrate on the positive, the positive, the positive. Daily, I tell myself ~ "But, by the Grace of Almighty God ~ there go I" and "God has laid many great, wonderous, and beautiful things at your feet _____ don't cast them before swine as though they were nothing ~for they are blessings! And you are turly blessed!"
I'm sorry,..............if only I had the answers? The solutions? You are a good person, a good individual, a good woman! May God bless you and yours for all the days of your lives!
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