Hi, wife of CD wanting advice

[loulou]

hi everyones, hope you dont mind a wife of a CD getting in touch, i have found your site the best site on line and thought i'd ask if you wouldnt mind helping me and giving me a little advice.

my husband and i have been married a year and a half and just before christmas he told me he was a CD. i kinda knew coz while we were "dating" i went shopping for some new underwear for me but as a joke i made him wear it. he of course loved it and i have known about him wearing underwear and nighties to bed for a few years, but when he said he was wanting to do more dressing up i didnt realise how much. he told me he had been using my clothes for months while i was out or at work, this upset me that he couldnt be honest with me.

my husband, or cindy as i playfully call him, works abroad and he told me he was a full fledged CD over the phone. it soon came to light that whilst he was a student he had been raped by another man and dressing in womens clothes was a way for him to escape from being the man who was abused. i tried to be understanding, but told him we needed to talk face to face and to get everything off our chests.

when he came home christmas time i had had a few weeks to deal with his CD and had in the meantime come to terms a little with it so i went clothes shopping for him and got him an outfit and some make up of his own for christmas, i thought this was a good start. i even dressed him up in the clothes, i helped him shave his legs and body too.

i thought i was dealing with cindy quite well.

after being home with me for 3 months he finally got a new job, still abroad, and he left the beginning of march. however in the last week he has said he wants to do CD all the time. he wont give me time to come to terms with this and is willing to throw our marriage away.

he is constantly seeking compliments about his appearance, althought he is 1000's of miles away and i cant see him. he is extremely insecure and sends me messages begging to say he looks pretty. i have not fully accepted his CD yet and have asked for sometime to get used to it and for me to be gradually introduced to cindy slowly not all at once, but he thinks i'm being unreasonable. am i?

i was reading some past comments about acceptance and many of you have said that you need to accept yourself before anyone else will accept you, but my husband doesnt see that.

please advise me on what i can do to help him and to save our marriage, i love him dearly and want him to be happy. please can someone tell me if i am doing the right thing by him,

thanks for your time and i do hope you dont find my presence intrusive on your site

thanks

loulou

[Shelly Preston]

Welcome to the forum

I think you have to slow him down.
You both need to sit down and talk when you get the opportunity.
I think you have been extremely supportive, but you need to let him know you need you husband as well. If he was to read some of the posts on this site he would quickly realise how lucky he is to have you.
keep talking with him but ask him to try and see things from your point of view. Hopefully you love for each other will help in the struggle to reslove this.

I hope it all works out ok for you both.

[Joy Carter]

No intrsion LULU just read read read there is so much here to learn. Your so needs get real he needs to realise that you have needs to and that is of him in man mode. He is pushing you by the sounds of it and it's not fair because you are far apart. Tell him if he has some declarations he should hold them for when he sees you face to face. Good luck and see you in the posts hopefully with good news.

JOY

[GypsyKaren]

Hi LouLou

First of all I'd like to welcome you to the family. We have a GG Forum here that I suggest you join. I'm sure you'll find plenty of offers of help and support here.

Offhand from reading your post, I'd say you're being very reasonable. I know that finding all of this out is quite a shock to the system, it sounds to me like you're doing okay. Patience is the key, and it looks like you've been just that.

You're very right in saying that Cindy has to accept herself, without that there's no cornerstone to build on. I wish there was a magic bullet I could send you, but there isn't one. I do suggest you try to get Cindy to join us here, perhaps she'll listen to one of us when she sees so many others with similar problems and such. I wish you the best of luck with this.

Karen

[MsEva]

No intrsion LULU just read read read there is so much here to learn. Your so needs get real he needs to realise that you have needs to and that is of him in man mode. He is pushing you by the sounds of it and it's not fair because you are far apart. Tell him if he has some declarations he should hold them for when he sees you face to face. Good luck and see you in the posts hopefully with good news.

JOY
Have to agree! It is a question of balance. And compromise. I fear your SO hasn't learned this lesson yet. You seem to be a fantastic woman, lucky to have someone like you. I wish you well. Let him come online here and I am sure he will see that compromise is a great thing. I am sure a lot of us girls will clue him in on the wonderful thing he has and what a mistake it would be to mess it up.

[loulou]

i have been wanting to get everything off my chest since last week but havent been able to talk to anyone as they would judge my SO and i would probably loose a lot of friends and family. thank you all so much for your replies it feels good to think that i am maybe doing something right by cindy.

i will be getting cindy to sign up for this site asap as i think she would benefit from your help too.

thank you thank you

loulou

[Dana]

What we term the "Kid In The Candystore" syndrone. A GG comes along and shows the least bit of,................tolerance? Let alone acceptance, and the individual takes off like a kid that's been deprived all of their lives, and is running amok in a candy store for the first time.

Your going to have to exert some assertiveness here, and basically rein him in. Your DH is moving way too fast for you on all this.

The first thing that you've got to do ~ you've got to do for yourself. And that is to ensure that YOUR wants, needs, dreams, desires, hopes, as a person, a individual, and as a woman ~ are not neglected. You need sometime to soak all of this in ~ and to get it wrapped around your head. And you need to educate yourself ~ (and from the sounds of it ~ he needs to go back to school just as much if not more.)

I have always advocated that befoe you can get into such conversations and issues, that each individual must first ensure that they are meeting (to the best of the capacity and ability) the wants and needs of the other.

We're almost to the each and everyone ~ very strong advocates that before getting into a relationship ~ that the individual should tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

That's all water over the damn and under the bridge. What matters now, is the here and the now.

I would recommend this site: Most excellent

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd (Look Up A Crossdressers Wife's Bill of Rights")

This thread, with emphasis on my post ~ in what I told another GG.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28777

I like SageGG response, because its being pro-active, and addressing the issue head on ~ along with any other issues ~ (But you may not be ready for such a direct response:

"Only did it once. We were having problems. So I layed out a dress and said get dressed we need to talk!"

For getting back to the fundamentals of being a couple, and being married, and re-acquiring some equllibriumn I would recommend the following:

http://www.lightyourfire.com/

"Light His Fire" for you and "Light Her Fire" for him. Best money I've ever spent. It has more to do with answering the age old question of helping women understand men, and vice versa. What is all the more ~ it has a lot to do with about helping men understand the needs of woman ~ and it has A LOT to do with communication.

Best of luck ~ don't hesitate to post~ you're among firends ~ with hundreds of years of collective wisdom, experience, and knowledge.

[Flo's wife GG]

Take your time to digest all that you have learned and heard. It is going to take time.
Ask Cindy to join the forum and learn with you.
That has helped Flo and I so very much. Having something to share that will help both of you.

[Julie York]

Hi and welcome to the forum.
I would like to point out something.....

The statement about dressing in women's clothing so as to "escape from the man who was abused" etc is not the truth as I understand the nature of crossdressing. It might be how HE rationalises it and thinks it is a good way of explaining it to someone else....but I sincerely think this is absolute nonsense.

Before you take this statement too harshly, I suggest you gently ask him when he first enjoyed wearing women's clothing (a pair of panties? a nighty?)and you will very likely find that it was a long long time BEFORE the event he blames. Also, I don't think in the anals of medical history you will find that a symptom of male rape/abuse is that the victim wishes to suddenly dress as a woman as some sort of coping strategy.

Have a think about it. It just doesn't make sense on closer inspection.

Again, this might be the way HE rationalises it, but it's just nonsense.

[Dixie Darling]

Loulou,

As others have already mentioned here, it seems that your husband is sort of stuck in the "Kid In The Candy Store" phase. That is to say that since he's found you to be accepting and participative in his dressing that's what's occupying all his time and thoughts at the present time. I encourage you to have him join the forum here, and if he's wise, he will read up on just what can happen if he continues to take his dressing to extremes. It is of utmost importance that he understands that YOU have needs too and he should be cognesant enough of those needs to honor and fulfill them and not just think about his own desires all the time. If he gets the message that your acceptance can be lost even more quickly than it was gained, it SHOULD make a difference in how he "regulates" his need to dress.

By now you probably are aware that crossdressing IS a NEED by most men who are CDs and that it's something that will demand being taken care of it. However, at the same time the crossdresser should ALWAYS remember that fulfilling this need too often, movng things along too quickly, and ignoring their partners wishes is the quickest way to ruin a marriage. Talk with him and establish some 'ground rules' that you both can live with. It's important to be OPEN and HONEST when you talk, and for both partners express exactly what they feel, expect, want, and are willing to do to reach a compromise. He needs to also keep in mind that even though you were pretty much aware that he was a crossdresser before the two of you tied the knot together, you married a MAN, and as such you have a right to have that man around when you want him. It's OK for hm to dress within the limits and boundaries you may agree upon, but he doesn't have a right to force "Cindy" on you 24/7.

You are totally within your rights to ask him to 'introduce' Cindy to you gradually. In all probability he's been a CD most all his life and has had that length of time to learn everything that he can about it. On the other side of the coin, it's all relatively NEW to you and you can't be expected to soak up all the relative information about it in a short length of time.

In regards to his statement to you that he "wants to do CD all the time". . . . . that's a definite no-no if he expects your marriage to survive. Ask him how he'd feel about it if every time he saw YOU, you were dressed in faded blue jeans, a flannel shirt, a three day stubble of beard on your face, chewing on a cigar butt, etc. I have a feeling his vision of you femininity would quickly fade just like YOURS would if all you ever saw of him was his feminine side all the time. There MUST be a 'balance' between his two sides and unless he realizes that and takes the appropriate action to achieve that balance, he will be in for a rude awakening in the not too distant future. Accepting GGs such as yourself are difficult to find and I hope he wakes up to that fact before it's too late.

BOTH of you might benefit from the information you can find on my web site. It's CLEAN and there are pages of interest there which are directed towards the GGs and those directed towards the CDs. The link follows my femme name below (BTW, thanks and a courtsey to Dana for the earlier referral also). Please DO keep us all posted on your progress and if what we've told you here has been of any benefit.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[loulou]

hi,

i totally agree with you, i thought at one stage this was all an excuse to make me leave him, or to hurt me. the way he is at the moment is like when a baby is learning to walk, they take a couple of steps towards you and you move back a little to get them to go further. i seem to deal with one thing and then he adds something else to shock me further. he was drunk the other night and said he was gay, this upset me more than anything else he had ever said coz if he likes men and not women it means i'm in love with someone who will never love me back. there is nothing i can do.

but then a couple of days later he said he enjoys dressing as a woman and feels comfortable as a woman but he wishes he could go out and have a straight man tell him he looks sexy. does this sound right? i think he is confused with himself, he doesnt know what he is.

not sure if this sheds any light on the situation.

is he a she or is he a CD? i dont know?

loulou

[Dana]

hi,

i think he is confused with himself, he doesnt know what he is.loulou

Hammer + Nail! You just hit the nail square on the head with the hammer!

We've all been there!

[Jasmine Ellis]

Sweetheart, we don't mind at all. Welcome to the 2nd home of ours dear. I think you should sit with him and talk. He should know how bloody lucky he is to have someone like you. Wish you were my wife we would get on like a house on fire.

[Dixie Darling]

he said he enjoys dressing as a woman and feels comfortable as a woman but he wishes he could go out and have a straight man tell him he looks sexy. does this sound right? i think he is confused with himself, he doesnt know what he is

In all probability his wanting to have a straight man tell him he looks sexy is more of a confirmation that he's PASSING well. Most CDs (those who do venture out while dressed) are LOOKING for just such a confirmation - not to solicit a sexual encounter, but rather to assure themselves that they are emulating a woman very well.

Just my opinion.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[loulou]

Hammer + Nail! You just hit the nail square on the head with the hammer!

We've all been there!
do i wait for him to decide which he is? surely i cant accept him until he can tell me exactly which one he is? only then can i deal with the situation

[loulou]

do i wait for him to decide which he is? surely i cant accept him until he can tell me exactly which one he is? only then can i deal with the situation
please tell me if the compromise i have suggested is fair.

he can be cindy all he wants while i'm not around ( in my present state of acceptance ) at night when we are together i dont mind him wearing underwear and nighties( used to this by now) but he cannot be cindy on his own door step as i am afraid the neighbours wont accept this at all. i'm sure our friends wouldnt appreciate it either but he doesnt want to tell them anyway.

i have then suggested that we find somewhere to go away to a CD weekend where no one would judge. we could do this as often as we feel, but not every weekend, once every couple of months or so?

this has been my suggestion,

anything else i could do for him? i believe i'm being fair.

any comments gratefully recieved

loulou

[DonnaT]

I think your being separated for so long is going to make working this out extremely difficult.

It appears that he wants something from you he can't get and he may not even know what it is exactly, and his dressing seems to be a coping mechanism. It's really hard to explain, but think of it like a junky needing a fix, getting a hit but still not being satisfied. And if his job is stressful, stress can be quite a trigger for bringing out his Cindy side even more.

Y'all need to find a way to be together and work everything out.

Your compromises are pretty good, but note that nighties at bedtime may not be nearly enough. There may be times he'll need to dress enfemme completely, wig, makeup, etc. If you can accept that, then I see nothing wrong with the other compromises you've detailed, as long as everything remains negotiable. No ultimatums.

[Flo's wife GG]

Awesome idea. There are weekends and cruises where those who are like us can get together and be ourselves with out the worry of bieng judged and ridiculed.

[loulou]

It appears that he wants something from you he can't get and he may not even know what it is exactly, and his dressing seems to be a coping mechanism. It's really hard to explain, but think of it like a junky needing a fix, getting a hit but still not being satisfied. And if his job is stressful, stress can be quite a trigger for bringing out his Cindy side even more.


DonnaT,

i think you might be right, ever since he's been working away his CD has escalated, in my mind anyway, he says he's always done it while i've been at work but it doesnt make sense to me, i was always at home more than him.

this is one of the reasons why i think he's only trying to shock me, but he does genuinely love ladies clothes, underwear and make up.

how far can he go until i snap? is it a test?

loulou

[DonnaT]

Some of it is up to you, and how much you love him. Even some of the most supportive wives have some limits, like transitioning, for example.

One thing that seems important to me is that your husband find a good gender therapist to sort out his needs, and he needs to be open with you with regard to his discoveries.

Everyone is different, and you'll know how much you can accept. Just be honest with him when you reach that point, and give him a chance to back off a bit.

[TGMarla]

Loulou, I think "Cindy" is being not only unreasonable, but is teetering on the edge. First of all, his saying that his CDing is more important than your marriage is threatening, and is an unneccessary correlation to draw. One does not preclude the other, and it is demeaning to you. You say he wants to CD all the time? Just what does he mean by that? You have a right to your husband as well, and he needs to strike some balance in his life. It sounds like he is being controlled by his desires to dress up. My advice to you may be difficult: You need to stand up for yourself and honestly state your feelings here. His desires to crossdress will likely stay with him, so don't expect him to quit. He probably won't. But he is very insecure, seeking compliments on how pretty he is. I'd wager that it's difficult for women to see their SOs as "pretty" before they can come to a modecum of acceptance first. You were no doubt attracted to his male self first, and generally normal heterosexual women aren't attracted to other women. When you talk to him again, if he brings up the CD thing, and you find that you don't want to talk about it at the moment, stand your ground and tell him that. Let him know that your acceptance is a reachable goal, but he'll never get it if he persists in shoving it in your face and down your throat. Tell him to get a grip on himself, and to stop letting the crossdressing control him. Perhaps then you can make a positive step towards some kind of balance and general acceptance.

[Sharon_Rose]

The more you dress, the more you need to dress. I also agree that distance is an issue. If he is dressing all of the time, he is in his/her own world. I have experienced that you can go over the edge if you are allowed to do so. Someone must reign him in and help regain the balance. If the balance cannot be regained, one must ask if the person is ready to take the full plunge and go through transition. Dressing can easily become an addiction as powerful as drugs.

[Dana]

hi,

i totally agree with you, i thought at one stage this was all an excuse to make me leave him, or to hurt me. <snip>

loulouHe is! Walking like a baby! He's probally crazy in love with you! But he's conflicted! He's confussed, as are you. He, you, I, are all stumblling through the goal post's of life! He's more than likely Hetro, maybe not, so~what. So~what? All tha matters is that he's devoted to you. That's what counts!

He LOVES you, he's just going through the "Kid in a Candy Store" phases! He's probally a good guy~~~!


please tell me if the compromise i have suggested is fair.<snip>
loulouMORE THAN FAIR!


Loulou, I think "Cindy" is being not only unreasonable, but is teetering on the edge. <snip>.Don't be shy! Stand up and testify! Tell it all, Sister! Tell it all!

[stephanie100]

All the girls have given good advice I can only add that i feel Cindy should come to this site talk to us Loulou Wellcome you have been more than reasonable with Cindy It takes time. I would suggest if he wants to go out dressed that you go out of town first together perhaps to a mall shop for clothes or something together.
Butmost important is to suggest to him that he talk to other people in the same situation and guide him here.
I dont think many of us do or can dress 24/7.
Steph

[A sage GG]

Loulou dear
IMHO you need to stand up for yourself. How much can you bend without breaking. This is a marriage of two which means compromise. Throw a dress at him and say "missy we need to talk" Be the adult because it seems he is not being one at the moment. I seem to get more insightful answers when my husband is dressed. And I do feel that I have the upper hand in some ways too. I am the queen he is just the princess when enfemme. Try this if he cannot express himself fully when not dressed.
I hope for you that this is just a phase, but I also to know many GGs this is our greatest fear.

[Joy Carter]

LuLu One thing that I want to say about the addiction is that the fall is so hard. The newness of CD may take some time to wear off but it does become a bore and you my not have the time to live to that point but it does happen. Just ask him does he expect to get old what does he think he will look like then if he's passing now he can't expect to pass for ever. You have gone to the wall for him/her and you need to understamd that your time on this earth is not forever and you have the right to be happy too so take what time you need to work on this just be good to Lulu and tough love is the only choice some times.

[kathy gg]

Wow loulou,
what intro. welcome to the list.

i think so far everyone has given you really good advice.

now how can i say this gently....how long are you willing to let him basiclly stay in this 'out of control mode'? I would set a time limit, say six months for him to figure out what exactly his needs are, how does he see you being a part of this, and also figuring out how much time he needs to do this in order to be happy.

You can't read his mind and he sounds liek Julie said, that he is using his abuse as an excuse for the dressing. Which in turn probably still makes him feel shameful, that is the part he needs to work on and get over.

I would suggest finding a therapist who is qualified in gender issues or at least one who knows about childhood abuse. These are not problems that get solved wihtout actually confronting and dealing with them.

It is possible to have a happy and healthy relationship with a crossdresser. One where boundaries and limits are negotiated and talked about respectfully.

But there does have to be some level of self aceptance to be able to treat this with dignity, otherwise the act and all related issues are shrouded in shame and guilt and then explode like a volcano.

The big issues are I believe obvious, the small one's will be easier to deal with once the big ones are tackeled.

good luck and stay in touch with us all here



hi everyones, hope you dont mind a wife of a CD getting in touch, i have found your site the best site on line and thought i'd ask if you wouldnt mind helping me and giving me a little advice.

my husband and i have been married a year and a half and just before christmas he told me he was a CD. i kinda knew coz while we were "dating" i went shopping for some new underwear for me but as a joke i made him wear it. he of course loved it and i have known about him wearing underwear and nighties to bed for a few years, but when he said he was wanting to do more dressing up i didnt realise how much. he told me he had been using my clothes for months while i was out or at work, this upset me that he couldnt be honest with me.

my husband, or cindy as i playfully call him, works abroad and he told me he was a full fledged CD over the phone. it soon came to light that whilst he was a student he had been raped by another man and dressing in womens clothes was a way for him to escape from being the man who was abused. i tried to be understanding, but told him we needed to talk face to face and to get everything off our chests.

when he came home christmas time i had had a few weeks to deal with his CD and had in the meantime come to terms a little with it so i went clothes shopping for him and got him an outfit and some make up of his own for christmas, i thought this was a good start. i even dressed him up in the clothes, i helped him shave his legs and body too.

i thought i was dealing with cindy quite well.

after being home with me for 3 months he finally got a new job, still abroad, and he left the beginning of march. however in the last week he has said he wants to do CD all the time. he wont give me time to come to terms with this and is willing to throw our marriage away.

he is constantly seeking compliments about his appearance, althought he is 1000's of miles away and i cant see him. he is extremely insecure and sends me messages begging to say he looks pretty. i have not fully accepted his CD yet and have asked for sometime to get used to it and for me to be gradually introduced to cindy slowly not all at once, but he thinks i'm being unreasonable. am i?

i was reading some past comments about acceptance and many of you have said that you need to accept yourself before anyone else will accept you, but my husband doesnt see that.

please advise me on what i can do to help him and to save our marriage, i love him dearly and want him to be happy. please can someone tell me if i am doing the right thing by him,

thanks for your time and i do hope you dont find my presence intrusive on your site

thanks

loulou

[Julie Avery]

Loulou, I have no advice better than what's already been offered. I'd just like to say that based on what you have posted, in my opinion you're being entirely reasonable, and your husband is not.

[loulou]

hi everyone,

thank you so much for your replies you have all helped me so much. i think i have really thought long and hard about everything you have all said and i have read all the replies out to my husband ( cindy). at first he/she was upset listening to everyones advice but i think it made a lot of sense to him and he apologised for being selfish.

since then he has really cut down on being cindy, we have come to an agreement about when is and isnt suitable and that we both really need to listen and communicate and think of the other more.

i am very proud of my SO & cindy.

however, my SO hasnt partaken in dressing as cindy now for 4 days, which has all been his idea and i will support him as much as possible, but i have noticed that his mood has gradually got worse and worse and he is snapping at me for no reason.

when he tried giving up smoking before he did a week and i begged him to have a cigarette because he was so unbearable, moody snapping just like he is now.

i dont know whether to say "get dressed and relax" , coz i am 90% certain it is because he hasnt dressed up for a few days or leave him decide when he wants to do it. i am being as supportive as i can and i think i have come along leaps and bounds in the last week, but if he is treating me horribly because he thinks i'm trying to restrict him should i just tell him to do whatever makes him happy. i want us both to be happy.

my husband is unable to join this forum as yet as he doesnt have access to the net, but when he does i will be making sure he joins.

if anyone can relate to how my SO is feeling right now and what helped you feel better i would be extremely grateful for some advise.

cheers
loulou