A Might bit Confused!

[sparks]

How a little tiff with the wife about cding this week! She thought that talking to a bunch of complete strangers on the internet was foolish. She thought I should just switch thought patterns and give up cding. On and on went the conversation. She also said that if I try to bring it into the marriage she would divorce me. The next day in another conversation she said she could never see us splitting.
What next. We rarely talk about cding she would rather it just go away. But should I keep this part of me secret or the doors of conversation open.
Argh confused? What do you GG's think?

[Julie Avery]

Sparks, I'm not a gg, but in search of good answers from them, I think it would help to know, how long married? How long has she known about your crossdressing?

Thanks my friend.

[sparks]

She has know for seven years and we have been together for thirteen! I don't know if this helps or not. I guess details are important. But since the fight began with the forum and how I told to her "Please come and read with me" I afraid she will and not be pleased at all with this thread. But I do so need help.

P.S. Julie you will always be GG to me.

[MsEva]

Again not a GG, but I would suggest that if she were to go anywhere to investigate your situation..she should go here on Crossdressers.com. I am very comfortable letting my DW in on this site and welcome her to access it. I just LOVE having an above board site that deals with a common thread. FWIW...she will probably see that this CD thing isn't going away quietly and she can find coping skills here as well as commradary. Did I spell that right? Anyway, I wish you luck, you seem like you are well on the way of a quest.

[Angel73 GG]

I think I understand how your wife feels. I often wish it will go away too and that his desire to dress will just stop, but I know that it won't. She probably made the divorce comment to try to establish boundaries...like if she threatened divorce, you would be scared and make sure not to dress around her and make her feel uncomfortable. But her comment the next day makes it sound like she doesn't want to give up the relationship at all. Are you trying to push her into being around the CDing more than she wants to be? If so, you should probably step back. Try talking with her about what she's comfortable with and what she's not. Does she know that other GGs are here on this site? That was the one thing that made me join when I saw my dh looking at this site...I was desperate for some other GGs to talk to about being a CD wife. Now I seem to hang out here more than my dh! And maybe someday I'll be more accepting. Hugs to you and your wife!

[sparks]

I think I understand how your wife feels. I often wish it will go away too and that his desire to dress will just stop, but I know that it won't. She probably made the divorce comment to try to establish boundaries...like if she threatened divorce, you would be scared and make sure not to dress around her and make her feel uncomfortable. But her comment the next day makes it sound like she doesn't want to give up the relationship at all. Are you trying to push her into being around the CDing more than she wants to be? If so, you should probably step back. Try talking with her about what she's comfortable with and what she's not. Does she know that other GGs are here on this site? That was the one thing that made me join when I saw my dh looking at this site...I was desperate for some other GGs to talk to about being a CD wife. Now I seem to hang out here more than my dh! And maybe someday I'll be more accepting. Hugs to you and your wife!

I'm not trying to push her into anything. I try not to dress at all for her sake. I told her I come here cause I have the desires still to do so. As well i told her that there are wives that feel the same as her on the site. She judt doesn't understand how talking to people you don't know will help.
We ahve barely discussed my dressing until recently and have had two conversations about it. I'm just lost it don't know whether to keep talking or let sleeping dogs lay.

[Tamara Croft]

I'm not sure what to suggest really. Forums can be very overwhelming, especially to a wife who is unaccepting, doesn't want anything to do with the CD side of your life. That's how I felt when I first joined, it was weird, all these people here like my SO, all these pictures of men dressed as women!!!

It seems to me she's afraid of learning, what she thinks she might learn. Society has created such a steroetype stigma for CD's, it might just be possible she thinks she is going to learn some deep darken hidden secret that she would rather not know. Like the 'gay thing', or the 'pervert' thing.... all rubbish... but it's always like that in the media.

If she want's to talk to someone anytime, give her my email address tamara@crossdressers.com and let her know there's many other GG's here for her to also talk to. I wish you well :hugs:

BTW, talking DOES help, if it wasn't for this forum, I don't think I would be where I am in my relationship with my SO today. Strangers turn into great friends ;)

[sparks]

Thanks Tamara! It means alot. I will start small with little questions and who knows where it will lead. The important thing is that there is alot of love between us and a great deal of respect. I'm hoping this is just a bump in the road. She might be afraid that I want dress-up nights and the works. Not right now thanks. I couldn't handle that either.

If she braves the forum or the even the net I will give her your E-mail.

Smoochies
Sparks

[kathy gg]

Not trying to be a smarty-pants...but when you joined {the forum} you mentioned wanting support for your wife....and well I did let you know about the yahoo group that is gg's only, I run it and can give her the specifics. No chance of her seeing any pics of cd's and not having to talk to any and not having to read any of the more erotic tales that do get posted in here. But you never contacted me to get more info....this is a good place, but it can be overwhelming for someone who is really new to dealing with cd's online.

anyway, once again though, if you think she would be interested in being in an active gg only environment this is a list , not a board, do send me a pm.


good luck....you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make that filly drink.

[dancinginthedark]

How a little tiff with the wife about cding this week! She thought that talking to a bunch of complete strangers on the internet was foolish. She thought I should just switch thought patterns and give up cding. On and on went the conversation. She also said that if I try to bring it into the marriage she would divorce me. The next day in another conversation she said she could never see us splitting.
What next. We rarely talk about cding she would rather it just go away. But should I keep this part of me secret or the doors of conversation open.
Argh confused? What do you GG's think?

Sparks,
She sounds like she is still upset and confused by the CD-ing. That could be why she resents and resists going to an online site or posting etc Maybe you could explain that reading and posting helps you fill the voidor helps you cope /not feel so a lone. She may have the wrong idea if she is reading over your shoulder sometimes and all she notices is the threads on who looks better a CD or a GG or make-up tips. [Sorry ladies but someone needs to say it.] I know and you know that there are some serious threads too, and we all appreciate that need to relax and just be one of the girls but don’t expect her to appreciate those needs yet.

CD is not something you can just causally discuss with anyone after all. Surely if she considered that she would see this. This is far more than just idle surfing on the web to kill some time, I assume you get a lot of emotional support just being here. I do. That said, I second the idea Kathy had about the all GG forum so she can get her feet wet. Just offer it as a suggestion or leave the information for her after you have talked with her about it and leave it up to her what she does with it.

I would keep those doors open but let her be the one to walk though it. Okay? Let her set the pace, again and some more. Just be there for her with the answers if she ever gets brave enough to ask. In the mean time hang in there as best you can and know you can lean on all of us here GG and CD a like. Don’t push [I know you aren’t but don’t get discussed and start okay?] and maybe make up a list of sites for her to explore or save them in the “favorites” or “bookmarks” folders of your browser. I don't believe she wants a divorce either, I think she is just scared and over reacted. Have you ever told her you wanted to bring the CD into the marriage? Did you exlain how you would like it to be or has she filled in the blanks herself and totally freaked herself out? :p It happens. DH told me that he wanted to bring it into the marriage, but didn't explain a thing and my mind took what he said and ran with it. By the end of the day I imagined him in Sweden getting SRS and living with some guy named Rafe'l at the worse and dressing 24/7 as the best! :o We talked and I'm feeling much better now. :D He feels better too.

Oh one last thing don't keep it a secret per say but don't dress in front of her obviously. hmm that sentence does seem to contridict itself doesn't it. Don't hide it but don't do it in front of her either. What I meant was if she does ask tell her the truth. If you are still dressing ocassionally admit that and if you aren't tell her that too. Do not imply you have stopped forever though and if she seems to have this idea you need to gently correct her. Just let her know it isn't going away and that you simply wanted her to be aware of the CD and you are hoping that maybe someday she'll be comfortable enough to talk with you openly about this part of you too. Assure her she can set the pace and you won't rush etc...you know the drill.

Life. It's been a Hellva' ride. :D

Good luck Sparks. (hug)

[Dana]

How a little tiff with the wife about cding this week! She thought that talking to a bunch of complete strangers on the internet was foolish. She thought I should just switch thought patterns and give up cding. On and on went the conversation. She also said that if I try to bring it into the marriage she would divorce me. The next day in another conversation she said she could never see us splitting.
What next. We rarely talk about cding she would rather it just go away. But should I keep this part of me secret or the doors of conversation open.
Argh confused? What do you GG's think?


I'm not a GG, but I can tell you what I do know almost for a certain fact. The first statement she made that if you brough CDing into the marriage ~ it would be over ~ came from her mind her logical, practical, common sense, rational mind. The second statement ~ the one about her not every seeing the two of you splitting up ~ came from her heart. Women are much more emotionally attuned to their emotions, feelings, intutitions (gut - feelings) than men are. Just the way the brain housing groups are wired.

Short end of the story ~ she's in love with you. And, she loves you! Finding someone that loves you ~ that really loves you is HARD, all day hard! So, if and when you do ~ don't screw it up!!!!!!

Relatonships? Easy to get into, hard to maintain ~ and even harder to get out of! Especially marraiges.

Back up ~ back off, and start taking little tiny steps ~ as though you were walking through a mine field ~ you're over-loading her. Any one human being can adapt and overcome ~ given time. No humand being ~ man nor woman likes being forced feed something they don't like ~ having it shoved down their throat.

I've read and researched it a lot and one common theme that women endear about men ~ is confidence, about who and what they are. Even if you are a CD ~ damnit ~ exude some confidence about it! Don't be wishy~washy about it ~ one minute you are ~ one minute you aren't.

With that said, give the prisim a ninety degree turn, and look at things from her perspective. CD'ing isn't exactally on the the top twenty, thrity, one-hundred listed in Cosmo of what women are looking for in a man. Even, the women ~ that do actively seek out a CD, its more to do with their perspective, attitude, etc than it has do with the actual dressing. Its the mindset that comes with it, (I'm speaking in generalities here ~ so don't go "Yea! Butting me ~ we could split hairs all night!)

Once you get past the erotisim of it in your youth, the taboo ~ the forbiddeness of CD'ing ~ your left with a mindset. And that mindset is of a gentler, more caring, more sensitive nature ~ that most men are lacking.

What you're going up against ISN'T just your wife's objections but at least 5,000 years of cultural and societial beliefs ~ and in the process you dragging her along ~ to go against the collective wisdom, beliefs of 5000 years!

You want this? You need this? Then give her as a person, as an individual, as a woman ~ what no other man can give her! You want to educate her about CD'ing then educate yourself about the wants, needs, desires, dreams, desires, fantasies of a woman! What you'll fine is that she will be more willing to be accepting of your wants, needs, dreams, fantasies, desires ~ she may not be crazy about it ~ but if you create a "win-win" scenrio you'll be amazed at the possiblities and the doors of opportunties that open up to you.

But, before you can win ~ she's got to win. There's one of the GG on here that I KNOW belongs to an Evanlingical Church and has deep religious convictions, who is supportative of her DH. (There are more than one ~ by the way)

People stay together because ~ they work at it daily! People stay together ~ because of how they make the other person feel about themselves ~ like ~ a THB ~ that is a terrific Human Being.

I'm not saying become a doormat ~ women don't like doormat men. I'm saying to get what you want ~ give her what no other man can give her.

You've already got a lot of things working in your favor. One, you're married to her! The other ~well ~ we've all heard of PMS ~ but most women have a bad case of TPMS ~ "Tired Of Putting Up With Men's Shite"

And, NO! I don't have all the answers to all the questions! I don't have all the solutions to all of the problems! If anyone does ~ please let me know.

[kittypw GG]

I second what Dana said. :yrtw: Especially the part about having confidence. If you are all ashamed of yourself then how is it that she will want any part of that. Would you? And the other thing that I would add is to make it fun! Use some humor. You know your wife better than we do, just use your imagination. Good luck, Kitty

[sparks]

Just at where it sits and viewing life in retrospective all of our situation is my fault.
I've never been a confident person. HArd to be boy in women's underwear. But ingeneral I lack self confidence. Maybe I should watch Dr.phil more.
All of the fights have been my fault in the past because I was still dealing with the erotisms of cding. Trying to understand that part was difficult enough but now passed this I'm trying to deal with the emotional sides of it. And I am making head ways here. Thanks be to everyone.
Now that part being said the small handful of times we tried discussing it was very frustrating because mainly I didn't know the answers to the questions she wanted to know why but at the same time so did I. And all I could find on the net was porn which just led to more arguements.
i'm on a whole not looking to integrate this into our marriage. Far from it. I'm still to embarrassed about it. But having found this place I feel I can at least have a semi intellectual conversation about it.
She doesn't like the internet or talking to strangers about something so personal. But I've offered my end of it. I can at least talk about it more openly about it.
And that is themilestone I wish to break. Plain and simple conversation. To share pent up emotions and such.
She felt betrayed that I can openly type out problems but couldn't talk face to face with her about it. So yes baby steps all the way around here.

Thanks girls keep the advice coming.