Overcompensation: the inner cross dresser?

[Wren]

I was sitting on the bus recently, where I do my best thinking, and I realized that I'm what I've know coined as an inner crossdresser.

I like professional wrestling, and hockey, I am a martial artist and until recently a boxer. As a kid I didn't do gymnastic, ballet etc. Instead I did taekwon-do, and was a skilled baseball player. I am better at video games than my male counterparts, I'm a comics geek, and I'm the only female worker at a comic book shop. To name a few.

Am I really like this on the inside, or did I decide when I was 11 that I was going to become so male on the inside that no one would question my outward appearance? Because when you look at my list, I am very stereotypicaly male.

So am I overcompensatingly male even now that I've established that I am both female and male. And if I am, am I betraying myself? Does anyone else feel like this?

Roughly put I know, but I'm having trouble trying to make sense of myself.

[mistunderstood]

I do not think you are betraying your-self you are searching for yourself. Nothing wrong with that. You are trying to find a balance with your inner and outer self as well as your male and female self.

[CaptLex]

Am I really like this on the inside, or did I decide when I was 11 that I was going to become so male on the inside that no one would question my outward appearance? Because when you look at my list, I am very stereotypicaly male.

So am I overcompensatingly male even now that I've established that I am both female and male. And if I am, am I betraying myself? Does anyone else feel like this?

Roughly put I know, but I'm having trouble trying to make sense of myself.
Only you can answer these questions, Wren. I would say you are only overcompensating if you're not being true to yourself, but only doing these things and showing an interest in these activities because you feel you should - as a male. But, on the other hand, if these are things that are really important to you, then you're not. You're just being you - whatever that may mean. Hope this makes sense. :confused:

[gennee]

I agree with CaptLex. These are the things you enjoy, Wren. Keep enjoying them and be who you are.

Gennee

[Wren]

All very true answers. Although, hehe I knew I'd misphrased myself. I have come to find that I am one of the most self-aware people that I know. I know who I am and I am always okay with it. Really I do see myself overcompensating, sometimes I feel like I ended up where I am because of being a stubborn cow, but I'm okay with that. I did actually sit down with myself as an 11 year old and I told myself that I hadn't been born a boy so I had to become one, I quickly shed everything female that I loved and picked up what I thought boys would do. It's an interesting choice that I made for myself but I've come to enjoy the lifestyle and not see it as my burden for not having been born a boy. It took some time for me to get there though. In a tangent, when I became male on the inside my father (in a positively delighted manner) told me that I should have been born his son instead of my brother. The irony of all of this is that because my SO is FTM i started (actually) betraying myself and acting like a stereotypical female to overcompensate. A week after that my dad told me I was born a homemaker. :sigh:

HOWEVER!!! I've noticed around the forum that some people seem to want to restrict themselves from doing things because it's too female. I bet this happens to non-cders but we seem to be more hyperaware of gender boundaries than the vast majority. Do these boundaries make us all overcompensate who we are on the inside? It's not a bad thing, but it's an interesting one. I mean our whole point is to be who we are, but can we really be who we are if we're so aware of what we are not supposed to be.

Someone on the forum said that FTM's take our cding in a more passive female way, and MTF do it from a male standpoint, i.e. taking provocative pictures of themselves and posting it. (i'm sorry I can't remember where this quote is an if I'm paraphrasing horribly I'm sorry) but it made me wonder about stereotypes. Are we falling into the male stereotype role on purpose.

oof. so wordy again. Maybe I'll never get my point across. Oh well, I always have cryptic opinions on life. It comes from sitting alone and writing in my journal too much. way too much time to think :p

[mistunderstood]

Huuuumm. I do lots of thing male but there are some things that I do that are female. I can cook and sew clean house but yet I can work on cars take apart the vacum. I do not look at what is male or female I just do it. If I want to watch football I do if I watch Sell this house I do I just do not analize it. I to think things over a lot but I have so much right now I guess I do not worry about why I do my hobbies. All my jobs have been food related or retail so I just do them.
As a male sterio type I hope I'm not doing this I want to be different. I do not want to be like every one else I want to be me the REAL me.

[Wren]

As a male sterio type I hope I'm not doing this I want to be different. I do not want to be like every one else I want to be me the REAL me.

:D :D :D
I'm sorry your post just made me happy. If I could only forget about why and just do. :D :D Now that is being sure of oneself. Don't let anyone stop you ever. Punch them in the face!

[sparro]

The workings of a human mind are way too complicated. There are endless reasons why people like and do certain things, base on pier influences, and yes, gender stereotypes. After all, whether people realize it or not, most every aspect of our personnalities is shaped in one way or another by these stereotypes. Stop me if I'm missing your point.

If I AM getting your drift, then yeah, it becomes more complicated when you are a crossdresser. I mean, we all say that we're crossdress because we feel that it is who we are. But does the need to fill into these new male stereotypes go against what we want. By this, I mean, do we do things that we don't like to be more male. And, in which case, are we denying who we are? Are we just playing a part, and in essence, doing what we say we are trying to escape (being something we're not.) WOAW! Contradiction. Now, is anyone following me?

If this is what you mean, Wren, and you feel that subconsciously you are just trying to fit into a stereotype, I guess take two things into account;
1. People are constantly trying to fit into their stereotypes, and I think either way, people will be ruled by their gender identity. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. If no one conformed even just a little, no one would be able to socially comprehend the other.
2. There is always more then one reason for something, when it comes to the human mind. There are always several reasons for everything you do, at least. Perhaps there are people in your family who practiced martial arts? Perhaps you had other friends who like wrestling. Maybe you enjoyed boxing because you felt impowered, or physically fit. Take everything into consideration. Maybe stereotypes affected your personnality, but many other things are at work here.

Okay, so I don't know if this post pertains to anything. But, I learned something from it, anyway.

[Wren]

Sparro you did get my drift. I suppose that subconsciously we all are trying to fit in, of course we are, social pressures etc. I guess I'm just more aware of the fact that I've made myself like things I hate for the sake of stereotypes because as I said, I actually had a conversation with myself about it. I would come home crying everyday after 3 hours of boxing and 2 hours of karate, bruised and broken, but I said this is what makes me a boy and I promised myself I would never quit. I hated it so much, but I kept going. NOW I like it because it empowers me as a female, but when I started that wasn't what I had in mind. Maybe it was just me taking it to the extreme point to fit into my new gender role that I pushed myself to physical harm, personal identity damage or whatever.

I'm glad you learned something from it. I am too, sorting it out on the forum is actually helping me better identify what exactly was going through my mind, and how I ended up as who I am today.

[CaptLex]

Huuuumm. I do lots of thing male but there are some things that I do that are female. . . . I do not want to be like every one else I want to be me the REAL me.
I'm with you on this one. I don't really stop and think about whether what I do is male or female-oriented. I guess if I did, I wouldn't do half of it. I cook, clean, shop, wash, etc. - stuff some would consider "women's work" (I don't). I can take care of children (raised one of my own). I'm pretty good with make up and fashion (must be the gay man in me), and love to decorate. I'm also into sports, cars, "boy" games and action movies, and I can drink some men under table. I really don't stop to consider whether they're typical male or female things - they're just things I like to do. :D

[Wren]

I know what you mean about overcompensating. etc...

This is a bit off topic and a tad nosey, but I was curious. Do you dye your hair because you like it better dyed, or does it have anything to do with passing?

[Julie Avery]

Hiya Wren. I'm barging in here as an mtf CD, because I think this is one of the moments something comes up here on your side that I can speak to. I can make myself dizzy with questions, and they're good, fair questions - curious minds like mine want to know. What am I? How did I get this way?

And I never arrive at answers. My self-understanding in the gender spectrum is a moving target.

What has happened, that's important to me, is that I've become very assertive about my need and right to be what I am, whatever that is.

I feel good about that. I'm confident that I'm not doing anyone any harm, and I'm confident that anyone who's uncomfortable with my gender presentation is neanderthal.

Be well :)

[Wren]

Hiya Wren. I'm barging in here as an mtf CD, because I think this is one of the moments something comes up here on your side that I can speak to.

I gladly welcome MTF Cders opinions. So don't feel like you're barging. So far as I'm considered unless it's specified it's fair game for everyone. :D