Learning but still confused

[carolanne_love]

Hi again.

I am confused about what "options" a transsexual has when pondering the path she will take.

I know from reading a lot want the "full meal deal" transition with SRS, facial surgery, hair removal, etc.

I also know there are some who will not be transitioning to the same degree.

I guess I am in the second group and it is the you in that group I pose my question.

I am fast approaching 60 and have to admit, I look like a man, my face, my body etc. It would take a team of surgeons and a deep pocket with some miracles thrown in for good measure for me to even approximate the look of a female. I don't want to go through that at my time of life.

As far as SRS is concerned, again I find myself questioning whether I would/could go through with that at this time.

One of the things I have placed in the way to full transition is COMMITMENT. I have two wonderful grandchildren - my granddaughter 8 years and my grandson 7 months. I have a commitment to them to be their grandfather.
I have a wife and two great children, although at 32 years and 28 years they can hardly be called children, I have a commitment to them to be a husband and father.

How does this all fit in with me being a transsexual (woman in a man's body craving to get out) and needing release?

I decided for the above and other reasons that I cannot opt for full transition, but realize that if I do not do something, I may end up facing suicide again. So I made a list of things I thought were needed to attain the fulfillment I am looking for, while retaining the ability to meet my commitments.

I narrowed this list down to four most important things:

(1) Continue with therapy with the psychologist and psychiatrist.

(2) Get on hormone treatment once they approve. Hopefully side effects will be breast development, softer skin, fuller hips, reduced beer belly.

(3) Remove face and body hair to accentuate the soft skin feeling hormones will give.

(4) Have my testes removed to stop the testosterone in my body, hopefully I could also have a penectomy at the same time, thus giving me a flat front without having the SRS. I do not need the vagina, I am not sexually active, haven't been for at least 14 years now, so have no need for it.

Am I being naieve here? Is this "wishful" thinking? Have any of you reached kind of the same conclusions? Have any of you followed through?

Thank you, Carolanne

[Kimberley]

Much of our "feelings" are subjective that is unmeasureable by any "standard". This makes these tests such as COGIATI among a host of others moot at the least. Not even the psychiatric community can agree as to what is TS or any sort of standard for measure. If that were the case it would be just so simple wouldnt it?

Fifteen years ago, I hit that wall, was ready to toss everything, family, career, you name it and would have in a heartbeat. She also made sure that I understood the consequences of not only losing (or potentially losing) all of that but the life I would face after transitioning. In the end, I made the rather uncomfortable choice to retain the status quo.

Perhaps if I had been younger (late teens or early 20's) I would have made a different choice. However at that time Christine Jorgenson was the poster child for transitioning and little was known and even less was understood about TS. Today, if I were young, no family and at the beginning of career I would pursue it.

Now, to backtrack a little, the counsellor of that day helped me to come to terms with being transgendered; at least in part. I made the choice to go on as a CD. This was for the sake of my family and no other reason. This choice has had its pitfalls as well and regardless of outward presentation, it is what is inside that matters.

Today, I still feel different. I am still me. I have very strong female thought processes as well as those ingrained by force male ones. I believe it is the male side that presents the problems, not the female.

All of us whether we are gender challenged or not have both male and female characteristics. Those of us who are gender dysphoric as it were are far more in touch with them and I believe this is where most of our conflict originates. We somehow feel that we are being dishonest or decieving ourselves if we dont go the full route. This is a very powerful drive within us.

For me, I still stand on my decision to not transition but rather to celebrate who I am by dressing. (Hold off the protestations of you arent a real TS) That drive is still there and always will be. I awake every day and make a consious choice, not one that I am comfortable with but one I can live with.

I do not accept that you must transition if you are a true TS. It is how we feel that makes that and yes for some transition is the only answer. To draw a comparison, these people are like the Ferrari of sports cars while others like myself are the Mustang or Corvette. We are still all in the same boat but at a different place on the continuum.

So is transitioning in any degree the answer? Only you know. For me it is not. There are others here on this site who have made the same choices for the same or different reasons. There are others for whom SRS is the only answer. The real answer lies within but I would suggest a real life test to be the first step to finding those answers.

Again, is it about presentation or about how you feel? Tough question particularly when you consider nearly 60 years of presenting one way and thinking another.

Just my thoughts and experiences for what they are worth.

Hugs,
Kimberley.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Carolanne,

It is a tough road we travel with wives, children and grandchildren. I have often wondered where I would be today had I not married 19 years ago - I suspect I might be 'unrecognizable' as the person I am now. :) But here is where I am now and all the wondering won't change that.

You made your choices - and they seem like good ones. Many of us have done the same for much the same reasons. And like you, many of us have reached the same conclusions: I need to do something. The best advice I ever received in this regard was "Accepting that you're TG doesn't mean you have to do anything." I have taken this to mean that I need only do what I feel I need to be at peace with myself - and sod anyone else who says otherwise! In making your decisions going forward, please try and keep that in mind.

I will offer a few comments regarding ongoing choices:


(1) Continue with therapy with the psychologist and psychiatrist.


So long as you feel you are benefiting from the sessions, I see no problem with this. Not knowing where your wife stands with all of this, it might be beneficial for you both to discuss this with a counselor.

(2) Get on hormone treatment once they approve. Hopefully side effects will be breast development, softer skin, fuller hips, reduced beer belly.


At 60, you may not experience much breast growth or the other results you mention. True, the hormones will have some effect, but it may not be at the level you are expecting. Also, estrogen will tend to make you gain weight more easily, so I suspect it won't hept the beer belly either. In any event, you need to discuss this in detail with a doctor.

(3) Remove face and body hair to accentuate the soft skin feeling hormones will give.


If you have the time and $$$, why not. To do your entire body will be a long and expensive proposition.

(4) Have my testes removed to stop the testosterone in my body, hopefully I could also have a penectomy at the same time, thus giving me a flat front without having the SRS. I do not need the vagina, I am not sexually active, haven't been for at least 14 years now, so have no need for it.


This ranks up their with SRS. You are not likely to find a US doctor to do this for you without the same recomendations you would get for SRS. In fact, you will probably have a better chance of being recomended for SRS than for an orchidectomy and penectomy. If all you're really looking to do is kill the testosterone, then talk with your doctor about an anti-androgen in addition to the hormones you are interested in.

If nullification is truly what you want, do some research. Here are two articles:

Nullification and the steps to get there (http://www.bmezine.com/news/edit/A40120/artnulli.html)
Voluntary Eunuchs (http://www.kapelovitz.com/eunuchs.htm)

I have corresponded with the 'Tom' mentioned in both articles. He was a regular member on the Alt.Support.Intergendered newsgroup I started several years back on Usenet. He paid a good size chunk of change for his surgery and did it with the recomendation of his pshrink.

Above all else, you need to take your time in proceeding as much of what you are looking to do is irreversible and will more than likely impact your relationships with family members. It's all about balance and compromize.

Love & Stuff,
Donna