Coming Out: Gay vs. Crossdressing?

[briana smith]

I was wondering what people thought about the issue of coming out and if coming out about being gay is similar to coming out about crossdressing.

I think that if you are crossdressing just for fun and arn't planning on living a a girl then it is not nessasary to come out to your friends and family. When you are gay than I think it is a little more important to come out since this is a life style "choice" (I use the word choice lightly since I know homosexuals don't actually chose to be gay) and not mearly a sexual fetish.

Let me know what you think!

[Teresa Amina]

I "came out" to a gay friend over the weekend. He thought it was only somewhat similar to his experience of telling people, especially since I shocked the heck out of him! Being gay apparently is more obvious to people. He didn't really believe I CDed until I showed him pictures:D

[Karren H]

In my opinion the gay guys are more redily accepted now and that comeing out as a straight crossdresser or a transexual crossdresser is not even close to being as accepted. Gets me mad sometimes......not mad enough to punch out the gay guys at work but damn close......hehehe. Breath Karren... Breath Whewwww That felt good!!! LOL

Love Karren

[Katrina]

The other difference is you are the same person when you come out as gay. You are somewhat different if you crossdress since at the very least, you change your presented gender.

[Danielle/Mo]

Karen Hutton is right. I also think that gays are accepted more by society. Even though things are starting to change for the better, we are still the last of the socially unacceptables. To the people who you know, you are the same person (personality wise) that they knew and liked before they found out. Some people just have a hard time if you are a little different.

[Brianna Lovely]

Which is harder? Both, because they are controled by fear.
There are many gay men who are terrified about coming out. Being the most hated / feared group of people on the planet, I can't blame them for being very afraid.
Now, being a CDing gay man is really hard. You're not accepted by anyone.
I do wish we could just all love each other.
Hugs,
Brianna

[Josi]

I work in an organisation that attempts to have "Diversity" issues at the front and attempts to treat everyone according to their needs. It doesnt always succeed of course .. but it tries.
After years of bigotted and ignorant (even bullying) behaviour towards gays and lesbians ... now .. in 2006 someones sexual preference is a non-issue. Its about how you do your job and not who you sleep with.

Here comes the "BUT"

But ... if I came "out" (no .. not meaning I would turn up dressed) at work it would probably destroy me.

Few understand "Hetro crossdresser" ... and I know that the fact I cross dress would be uppermost in their minds and the focus of tittle tattle and denigration.

If I were "just" gay ... I would be supported and not disadvantaged ( I have no issues with that)

Conclusion: Being gay is becoming less and less of an issue (tho some biggots still have undue influence in the world).

Being CD is to be a target for abuse and belittlement.

[Kristen Kelly]

Karen Hutton is right. I also think that gays are accepted more by society. Even though things are starting to change for the better, we are still the last of the socialy unacceptables.

You are so right maybe one of the reasons is, even though there are a large number of us, we try to blend or we remain in the closet, not getting the exposure other groups get. We are so misunderstood, as a group, because of all the false statments that have appeared in the press.

[gennee]

To me, there is no difference. Ithe fact is that you are revealing a side to you that goes against the norms of society and that nobody has previous known about you. The stigma is still there, but how others respond is their own choosing.

Gennee

[Womanatheart1]

Thanks for the great and provocative thought. One thing that life is teaching me as I get older is not to assume or judge unless I have been there. I am not gay, so I dont know the angst of a gay coming out. But, (what do they say about "but"? Forget everything someone said before the word "but"!). I can join in on what it is like be a cder "coming out". For many reasons I believe a cder coming out is not understood/accepted more than gays. Gays have made great stides in society. But for many, coming out to friends or family as a cder is thought as very abnormal? (right word?). Ok- a gay likes the opposite sex. But you (me) are cd and the person tries to process it in their brain.... (minutes go by)....why? They ask - do you look fem because you want a man? We -say no. "So why do you dress and look like a woman sometimes?" (key word is sometimes) Because .. (name the first 5 reasons) and they will not understand.
It's tough being a cder. There are a few dear souls on earth with the heart and capability to understand. But it is few.
Love,
Stephanie

[Rikkicn]

We are so misunderstood, as a group, because of all the false statments that have appeared in the press.
Ww're also misunderstood because no one knows us. As a group we are more closeted than gay folks.
I don't know if it's easier or more difficult to come out when your gay. I think it all depnds on who you coming out to and how ready they are to hear and accept it.
I think over all, generally that it's easier for gays and lesbian because they started coming out in the 70's. It's more diiifuclt to discriminate if you know someone. Most all of us know someone who is gay. We all know of famous people that are gay. Many. many families have gay members.
None of that is true for us. Without having stats I would guess that we've been coming out in numbers for the last 10-15 years, if even that long.
There aren't any famous tg's. There are some that are well know but not big time famous. There's very few clubs and organizations and those arn't well financed.
The key to being understood and known is coming out and introducing ourselves to the world. When people know us and what we're all about they will come to accept and welcome our presence.

"HEY WORLD, HERE I AM. READY OR NOT"

[jo ann]

It is by hands down more difficult crossdressing ,or coming to your realization of your heart longing,then what is now an accectable livie . the gays are loved and now are in the main stream.we are mocked. jo ann

[MarinaTwelve200]

I dont think there is hardly ANY differencnce in the comming out thing---IMHO, The general public, in their ignorance thinks GAY and Crossdressing are the SAME thing.

Most people will erroniously define "Gay" as "a man who wants to be(or thinks he is) a woman"----and A CD, is just that too---"Thats what a gay guy does". So if you DO come out as a CD, you might as well brand yourself as 'gay' in the public eye as well, cause most people dont make the distinction.

Only the more educated and tolerant people know what A homosexual really is and how a CDer is different.----The reported negative reactions of SOs on this forum alone should be evidence enough, that most people are very ignorant in these matters.

[Dee 1062]

:) :)
I dont think there is hardly ANY differencnce in the comming out thing---IMHO, The general public, in their ignorance thinks GAY and Crossdressing are the SAME thing.

Most people will erroniously define "Gay" as "a man who wants to be(or thinks he is) a woman"----and A CD, is just that too---"Thats what a gay guy does". So if you DO come out as a CD, you might as well brand yourself as 'gay' in the public eye as well, cause most people dont make the distinction.

Only the more educated and tolerant people know what A homosexual really is and how a CDer is different.----The reported negative reactions of SOs on this forum alone should be evidence enough, that most people are very ignorant in these matters.
You are so right, the redneck town I live in would hang people like me....

[JeanneF]

I think it comes down to what exactly your gender and sexuality status is. If you're gay AND A crossdresser, it's not much tougher than just coming out as gay...like others have said, the general public equates the two as being the same thing anymore. Being gay (at least in major metropolitan areas) is generally a non-issue anymore.

If you're totally heterosexual and a crossdresser, it's a much worse, IMHO. You're telling the world the you like to wear women's clothes, but you're still the same person underneath, sexual preference and all. That's much harder to explain. I don't think the average American can really comprehend the idea that a "good father, coaches little league, church on Sunday" type guy may want to put on a skirt and makeup once in a while. It's a paradigm shift that most just can't handle.

Personally, I feel that being transgendered/transsexual is probably easier than being a straight CD as well. At least I can say there is a bit of a miswiring in my gender identity, that's why I do this...it's not something that others can just dismiss as a fetish. I don't dress as a girl for a "kicks"...I present myself as female because that is what I indentify myself as.

My opinion is that if dressing is something that you do in the comfort of your own home, and that isn't really going to affect your day to day life, it's probably not worth it to come out to family and friends (besides a significant other). The positives probably don't outweigh the negatives. On the other hand, if you plan on spending a significant portion of your time as a female, then that's really when it's time to start letting others know, if nothing else but to cushion the blow when they do find out eventually.

[Faye Emmette]

Two different things.
Like "Coming out; Republican or Chevrolet lover".

[Sophie_A]

I must admit, i did both cross dressing and being gay all at the same time, and everyone was fantastic with me, lots of questions but no problems. Most people always said they always knew there was something different with me but didnt know what.

[sharifemme]

Briana...

Can't offer much on this one as I don't crossdress for fun and I'm not gay. I crossdress because that is an expression of who I am inside. I can't come out to family and locals because it would impact my life in a severely negative manner. HOWEVER, I am known as Shari many other places in the state and my wife and two of my children know.

Also...

1. Transgenders and GLB people are born who they are. They usually aren't this way by choice.

2. Not all Transgenders crossdress for sexual fetish reasons.

3. Bucking the "norm" is never easy and some times not advantageous. If I were single, I'd probably be living totally as a woman right now. Since I'm not and I protect my job, wife and family as much as I can, I'll always be "part-time".

I have never regretted coming out to those I had come out to but I could not go much farther. Gays and transgenders have similar experiences coming out but it is not quite the same. Also, if you are in a somewhat accepting community, it is different than being in redneck country.

Sharifemme





I was wondering what people thought about the issue of coming out and if coming out about being gay is similar to coming out about crossdressing.

I think that if you are crossdressing just for fun and arn't planning on living a a girl then it is not nessasary to come out to your friends and family. When you are gay than I think it is a little more important to come out since this is a life style "choice" (I use the word choice lightly since I know homosexuals don't actually chose to be gay) and not mearly a sexual fetish.

Let me know what you think!

[Samantha?]

I agree a lot with Brianna Lovely on this one. Fear is what makes coming out (as anything) harder or easier. Also, homosexuality has been in the public eye longer, so of course it's more understood (not necessarily the same thing as "accepted") than CDing. But even think about gay people's right to marry - what is it, one state allows it now? If that? And the "President" and other people in power still publicly say that it's evil and wrong...that doesn't sound like acceptance for me.

But it all depends where you are, who you know, what you were brought up believing, etc. Like in the above post (I can't remember who said it, sorry, but you can look) - the girl who's from a redneck town that would hang her - do you think they'd be tolerant of someone gay? I doubt it, but you never know.

Just throwing things out there. Acceptance comes from inside first. We all have to accept ourselves, and then society will (probably slowly) follow. If we act ashamed of who and what we are then it just gives people more of an excuse to think that it's wrong.

[Eugenie]

When our daughter came out to us and to the whole family as being gay, there was absolutely no negative reactions in our family, including from the grand parents who are in their mid eighties. Every one seemed to be happy that she was happy. My daughter told many of our friends and told us that she didn't want to hide in the closet... All our friends have reacted very positively.

If I were to come out as a x-dresser it would cause a turmoil in the family and most of my friends. This would start with my wife who is tollerant about my x-dressing providing I keep it to myself but clearly told me that if I wanted to do a coming out that would be without her and that she would ask for a divorce. I know it would hurt my parents and my in laws as well as most of my family and many of my friends.

In public it is now rather well accepted to see homosexual couples, at least in large cities. Transgenders and transsexuals are far less accepted, unless their feminine appearance is blending in and they are passing very well.

I remember being in a restaurant very open to gay people with two TG friends. I was in drab as I had not brought my femme clothes for that trip. At the end of the meal, I was the last one to pay at the cashier's desk and I saw several negative glances made in the back of my friends. And this was as I said in a "gay friendly" restaurant...

Love.

Eugenie

[Ashley Banks]

i agree with karen homosexual people are generally getting to be more accepted it most places. even where i live which seems like the homophob/ cross dress hating capitial of the world. where as cross dressing seems to still get that, "your a freak" response in general. hope that we make strides like that some day soon

[Kate Simmons]

i agree with karen homosexual people are generally getting to be more accepted it most places. even where i live which seems like the homophob/ cross dress hating capitial of the world. where as cross dressing seems to still get that, "your a freak" response in general. hope that we make strides like that some day soon
Hi Ash, I give a big "atta boy" to anyone who comes "out" no matter who they are. Too many folks out there afraid of being themselves. I, personally, try to get to know them for who they are as people, whether gay, bi, hetero or TG, hence my dislike of "labels". Usually when someone is "labelled" as one or the other, some kind of "wall" automatically goes up with assumptions. That's sad because if you let that get in your way , you are missing out on really getting to know someone. Of course sometimes folks class themselves just for the sake of simplicity and that's okay. That being the case, I really don't care what people think about me as I gotta be myself. I'm looking forward to the the day someone calls me a "bitch". Then I will know I've really accomplished something because that will mean I've been accepted. Take care, Ericka

[Melissa Ryan]

Lotsa things to answer with this one! I have "come out" as a CD to lots of friends and even my Mother. But I am not Gay, and as my life is, I dont think that I will ever be livin my life full time as a woman. I would love to, but I cant see it happening in this reality I live in.

I have come out to friends for a few reasons however. I used to spend a lot of time giving excusses to some of them as to why I wasnt available. Even if there was a maybe that I could dress. After telling them, I have been able to stop making excuses, and tell the truth. Most are more than happy for me to be dressed and be involved in some things we used to do. One rule imposed was that I wasnt allowed to wear heels to work on the racecars! :D

I have been able to live my life with less fear of things, that in the end didnt even become a problem. This has also made me realise that all the overwhelming wants of bein a girl, can be satisfied by being able to socialise while I am dressed. I think I am happy! And a lot is due to simply tellin the truth to those that I care about and like. In that..........I have "come out". :happy:

[Ebonee_Tgirl]

I pretty much came out as a CD and "gay" at the same time (though I do see myself as female so "gay" has never quite seemed the right term, but that is another story).

My Mom was devasted about the crossdressing. The fact I was attracted to men was a shock for her but one she could accept pretty quickly. Dressing as a woman and wanting to live as one really threw her and though she has come around to a degree, there is still a lot of uncomfortable feelings between us. So, I would have to say that I think coming out as a CD is far more difficult and has more negative consequences than coming out gay. People I used to respect have actually said that crossdressers are sick. They used to say that about interracial couples, and about gay and lesbians. Hopefully eventually society will be mature enough to accept crossdressing as just one more form of self-expression. I have a feeling that time is still a far way off.

[janine]

I agree with Karen it is more socially acceptable to be gay than be a
cross dresser.I don'nt consider myself gay that is be sexually attracted
to my own male gender.But yes i do cross dress in feminine clothes to be
in touch with my female feelings , and as such is less obvious that a gay
person.Yet this is looked as being abnormal behaviour by society.

janine

[btmgrl6]

If most people assume that crossdressers are gay,and gays are more "accepted" in todays society,why would crossdressers (assumed to be gay) have it any harder to be accepted ? I would assume that if a normal saw a gay person he wouldn't be surprised to see a (presumed) gay person dressed like a girl.
If the "normals" don't know us (that most are not gay) How could they they have an opinion on.....Here's a str8 guy dressed like a girl,which is stranger than a gay guy dressed as a girl.
I don't think that a lot of "normals" know that difference and wouldn't take the time to find out about it.
I don't think it's any easier for a gay to come out than for a crossdresser to come out. Most people don't understand either. You may think it's harder,because YOU are the one having to deal with it.

Steph

Then we have the cd'ers who profess that they are not gay and find that the idea of having sex with another man "disgusting" everyone is entitled to their opinion,but why not just keep that part of it to youself. it only empowers others to start injecting their opinions ....and son and so forth. why not just say...(if you feel the need to distance yourself) that you are str8 and leave it at that. if we find other peoples lifestyles abnormal or disgusting, how can we expect those who find our lifestyle abnormal or disgusting... to accept it????

[LucyTwitch]

Hi

Came out to family few years back, the reaction was a relife to me as it was posotive. I belive after many years of my family wondering what was wrong with me, (due to the way we are, emotionaly and the rest), They too where relived to put answers to all their questions.

But I do beleive Guy people sre more accepted than we are. But there will be a time in the futer when are community have reached the same stage of aceptance as the Gay community have today.

The more that come out the more sociaty accepts.

Love you all

[btmgrl6]

If you are not gay,How can you say that it's harder for crossdressers than gays?
Where's the logic. How can you comment on something that you haven't experienced. Society has changed quite a bit in the last 50 years.
I am a bisexual and a crossdresser,or if you like a gay crossdresser. I see the degree of difficulty as the same. Just as there are gays that are out and functioning in society,there are crossdressers that are out and functioning in society. And just as there are gays who are nervous and scared about coming out, there are crossdressers that are scared and nervous about coming out. i think the culprit here is people worrying about what other people will think about them. Not what they may do to them because of their lifestyle.Gays have families,friends,and jobs too. There will always be those who are prejudise for one reason or another whether it be against gays,lesbiens, tv's,ts's cd's,blacks,hispanics asains. And I'll bet if you ask them..it's more difficult for their group than someone elses. All of thses groups have suffered,and if the gays have made strides it's because they got out there and said HERE WE ARE AND WE"RE NOT GOING AWAY. Now the ball is in our court, are we to sit in the closet and whine or step up to the plate?
Society just didn't come out one day and say "Oh poor gay people,let's just start accepting them" They were forced to accept them. If we are expecting anything different, we're in for the long haul.
And lastly... We can all come up with excuses for why we can't do it. if that's the case maybe we should just STFU.









Steph

[annekathleen]

I have been crossdressing since I tried on my first pair of panties when I was about 13 years old. I've experimented with various degrees of crossdressing thanks to the closets and dressers of my two ex wives. Ive had ex girlfriends leave clothes in my closet and take over some drawers of my dressers.
Ive been bi since about 4-5 years ago ( when I was in my early 40's )
Sometimes I cross dress without engaging in my bi activities.
Sometimes I engage in bi activities without cross dressing,
Although there have been times when I have had both activities mixed together, and that has made for some interesting nights.
I dont know what would trouble or disturb my friends, family, and relatives more: the fact that I like womens clothing or the fact that I have been involved sexually with other men. I think they would more readily accept my fetish for female clothing since they've known that I've bought sexy intimates and clothing for both ex wifes and most of the ex girlfriends.

[LeAnn]

The are only two sexual orientations. 1) those happy with their body as it is and 2) those who would like their body to be different.

There are only two styles of dress Uni-sex and female (only real difference is heals all else is accepted some where).

The waters would be less muddy if every one knew or could admit that is is ok for a straight male to were heals. Then we wouldn't have to stay in the closet or seek out only those like us to be comfortable. Until then I will dress uni-sex except with only those are friends or accept LeAnn.

LeAnn


If most people assume that crossdressers are gay,and gays are more "accepted" in todays society,why would crossdressers (assumed to be gay) have it any harder to be accepted ? I would assume that if a normal saw a gay person he wouldn't be surprised to see a (presumed) gay person dressed like a girl.
If the "normals" don't know us (that most are not gay) How could they they have an opinion on.....Here's a str8 guy dressed like a girl,which is stranger than a gay guy dressed as a girl.
I don't think that a lot of "normals" know that difference and wouldn't take the time to find out about it.
I don't think it's any easier for a gay to come out than for a crossdresser to come out. Most people don't understand either. You may think it's harder,because YOU are the one having to deal with it.

Steph

Then we have the cd'ers who profess that they are not gay and find that the idea of having sex with another man "disgusting" everyone is entitled to their opinion,but why not just keep that part of it to youself. it only empowers others to start injecting their opinions ....and son and so forth. why not just say...(if you feel the need to distance yourself) that you are str8 and leave it at that. if we find other peoples lifestyles abnormal or disgusting, how can we expect those who find our lifestyle abnormal or disgusting... to accept it????

[LeAnn]

I agree with love. And I agree with both are difficult but I still think that a CD gay may still in the closet especaily if he passes like some CDs I know.

[btmgrl6]

It is ok for a man to wear heels. Noboby is going to do stop you from wearing heels. there are always going to be people who don't like something about somebody, but today I think that society on the whole wouldn;t give a rat's behind if they saw a man in heels or in a dress for that matter. It may have been the case years ago...(when some started to cd), but things are much more relaxed now. It's not perfect, but it's changing.
OUR FEAR of what society (might) think is what keeps a lot of us hidden in the closet. "they think I am gay", "they think I am a pervert","they think I m a deviant".....The fear is mostly in our own mind.
With gas prices, taxes, terrorism, war and such, do you really believe that people are going to give us a second thought?
If you see something out of the ordinary, do you dwell on it, or attack it?
A look, a stare, a giggle... who cares?


What you said in your post is exactly one of the things I am talking about. until SOMEONE ELSE makes society see that it's ok for a man to wear heels in public.. I'll just stay in the closet. If we all wait for someone else to take a stand,we 're doomed to accept... not being accepted. i am not saying that everybody should just pop out, I am saying that we're going to have to fight for what we want.... Like the gays did.


Steph

[SherriePall]

I think that coming out CD is tougher. When I confessed to my wife over six years ago, I told her it would be easier if I were gay and not a straight CD. I asked her how many gay people she knew. Quite a few. I asked her how many CD's. Can you say, NONE? No offense to my gay friends here or elsewhere, but I believe that being a straight heterosexual CD is the Final Frontier of discrimination.

[btmgrl6]

How is someone supposed to know who's gay and who's not... if they are both dressed like a woman? I don't think that sexual preference has anything to do with it.... according to the cd's in here most lump them together as gay or ts.
So are we talking personal experience here? a poll? a study?
Steph