Started Dating! When To Disclose? Help!

[RebeccaLynne]

Ladies, I'm in need of advice. I've started dating, and am at a loss as to when to disclose my true nature to the women I'm associating with. Certainly not the first date, but by the second? Third? Before the first kiss? After? Before intimacy? After? My intent is to prevent hurt feelings on their part, and simultaneously reduce the amount of time they've already invested in the relationship if they are absolutely unaccepting of my femininity. I welcome responses from both CD's and GG's. My only concern is the emotional impact on the women who've opted to take a chance in finding love and romance. Help!

[ChrissyGG]

I would definately tell her before getting intimate if you want to pursue a relationship with her. Best of luck!

[sherri]

Depends on how you read her, what makes her tick, how she feels about you etc. But at the latest, when you begin to sense that this could turn into something more serious than just occasional casual dating, you have a responsibility to put your cards on the table.

This is interesting because it places you in a touchy situation. To withhold your secret is not being fair to her, but you have to be able to trust her in order to come clean. It's interesting because it requires you to make a judgement call early on about her character, and it really forces you to be rather serious about the whole thing very early on.

For me, one of two situations would have to exist: 1) my take on her tells me she is pretty liberal and sophisticated in her sensibilities, not burdened with prejudices etc, in which case I might be okay with broaching the subject in an exploratory way early on; or, 2) I am confident enough that she is a compassionate person who genuinely cares about me enough to keep my secret even if she decides she can't handle that kind of relationship (this could take awhile).

Let us know what happens. :D

[Melinda G]

One thing is for certain. Whenever you tell her, she will view you in a totally different way after.

[Yes I am]

One thing is for certain. Whenever you tell her, she will view you in a totally different way after.

Yeah, this is exactly why you should tell her early on. Be a man about it and tell her with confidence. Otherwise it's just going to eat at you and fester under the surface, ruining what could have potentially been an open, honest and loving relationship.

[Rikkicn]

I think would tell her right away. Why waste your time.
Maybe something like this;
"You know I really like spending time wiith you and I hope you like it too. My feelings for you are deepening and it feels like a good time to talk about what I want in a relationship and what you want too. If that's Ok with you I'll go on.
I'm looking for a special woman. A woman that's liberal and openen hearted. A woman more interested in forgiving than blaming. A woman that's thinks you fall in love with a heart and not a body. A woman that loves and honors her body. A woman that is sex positive and experimental.
You can add much more.
I know that this would be difficult but maybe you can come up with your own way to do this.
But, I think that if these attributes are important to you then this is an interesting way to go. If she's doesn't fit into what you want then you'll have no need to tell her anything about your cding. If she meets all your needs then telling her about our cding will be easy because she has already said she is sex positive and experimental. And if she says she is, you can ask her if she would like to experiment with a cder.

If she doesn't want to have this discussion then she may not be the woman for you.

Rikki

[Danielle/Mo]

I am in a situation just like Rebecca, except that I actually avoid relationships because I don't know what to do about this. I have turned down meeting women several times in the last 4 months because of this. I don't want to not tell them or lie to them. But how do I know that they can keep a secret if I do tell them? I usually come up with an excuse not to meet people. Any advice would be helpfull.

[DonnaT]

When you start feeling serious about the relationship, that it's something you want to last for as long as possible. And especially when she starts to show an inclination to wanting something more. Definitely before being intimate. It's not fair to her or you to wait too long, since the time might be totally wasted and better spent in pursuit of another relationship.

[Melinda G]

I have been crossdressing since I was 14. I dressed through 17 years of marriage, and two five year relationships. Occassionaly I would forget about dressing for a while during the initial excitement of a new relationship. But it always comes back. And in most cases it doesn't mix with a normal relationship. When my wife found out, she didn't say much, but she had a boyfriend within several months. I never told anyone else after that. One of my girlfriends picked up on it, I think. I had shaved myself, while she was out of town visiting her mother. I avoided her for about a week after she got back. One night in bed she said, "how come your butt is so smooth"? I'm like, "huh, what do you mean? What's it supposed to be like"?
In any case, I don't even bother getting involved anymore. I enjoy being alone, and doing as I please, and not having to explain to anyone. It definately avoids a lot of tension, embarrassment, and frustration. And after seeing my ex wifes reaction, I'll never tell another soul. For every SO that accepts it, a dozen don't. And you never know who they might tell. It could even be used against you in a custody dispute. Better safe than sorry, I say.

[sherri]

But how do I know that they can keep a secret if I do tell them? I usually come up with an excuse not to meet people.
Yep, that's the problem with premature disclosure. You need a little time to develop a feel for the person and the situation, and you can never reallly know for sure, but at some point you just have to trust your instincts.

You're being too hard on yourself though. Give it a shot -- you'll probably have time to sort it out.

[sherri]

Definitely before being intimate. I'm smiling at your advice because while it makes perfect sense, it reveals how old school us old timers are. In my experience, sex tends to happen very early in the ball game these days, especially between divorced people. It's kind of like if there's an initial chemistry, sex is a given, and we'll see about the rest later. In fact, it's not unusual for the woman to take the initiative, and I'll go so far as to say that I doubt that you'd get very far down the "serious" road with many women if the sex wasn't happening. And lest you think I've been dating tarts, let me hasten to add that I don't date tarts; these are "good girls" I'm talking about. Nevertheless, if and when things don't work out, there is no sense of stolen honor or whatever; in fact, I think I've been more disturbed about it than her.

But I digress; the point is that I've found myself in bed with a woman long, long before I would feel comfortable telling her about Sherri.

[Colleen Merryweather]

How you tell her is important, first making sure she is generally open minded and flexible by asking her general opinions on a variety of issues ...

Not waiting too long is important, or else she may end up with a feeling of betrayal that you are not who you said you were

If your communication skills are good, it will all be easier, so you want her to be someone easy for you to talk to. In the long run it isnt the disagreements that are crucial, but having a method to resolve differences is.

My personal opinion is that bisexual people are more (able to deal with?) (likely to seek out?) cross dressers and other t-people. So you could consider asking if she's ever had bisexual fantasies.

Knowing her well enough to be sure she can keep secrets could take more time than you want to wait before telling her, so you have to be good at guessing the balance.

[suezeq]

i meet my wife on internet after we had talked on pc for a while i give her my phone number she called stright away and before we went any further i told her about my cding and all she said was its that all and that was that we were married in newzealand on 9 march 2006 after 6years together

[Lawren]

It's definitely a judgement call. In my case, I met my GF online and, even before we met in person, I told her. My point of view was that I did not want to get too emotionally invovled then have it blow up in my face. I was also VERY concerened about her reaction. I thought that if we got too intimate before I told her it would only make things worse when I did. I would suggest trying to find out how open minded she is before telling her but do it before the relationship gets too involved. The closer you get, the worse the results could be.

[sharifemme]

Do not wait until after you have been intimate with her. If she seems open to GLBT subjects, I'd tell her as soon as possible. If not, I'd dump her for some other reason. No matter how much you think you love someone, don't think you can hide who you are forever or give up your other self. YOU CAN'T DO IT, no matter how hard you try.

It isn't worth the heartache to both of you to not tell. It will only lead to possible divorce, stress related problems and risk of heart attack.

Sharifemme

[RebeccaLynne]

Girls, you've been most helpful in your suggestions and recommendations, and I'd like to thank you all for responding. My faith in you has never wavered, as I know many here have already been down this road. The common element seems to be one of intuitively gauging the level of acceptance prior to broaching the subject, then discreetly exploring the topic in such a way as to ascertain the reaction as either positive or negative. As Sherri mentioned, often intimacy between divorced adults proceeds at an accelerated rate, hence the urgency to be open and honest at an early stage before committing oneself too deeply into the relationship. The consensus seems to be that a determination must be made, prior to engaging in intimacy, as to whether or not crossdressing could interfere with an ongoing, respectful and loving partnership. I'll heed your advice, and let you know how it goes. Thanks, sisters.

[Anita Mae GG]

I would definately tell her before getting intimate if you want to pursue a relationship with her. Best of luck!

:iagree:

[sherri]

The consensus seems to be that a determination must be made, prior to engaging in intimacy, as to whether or not crossdressing could interfere with an ongoing, respectful and loving partnership. I'll heed your advice, and let you know how it goes.
Don't forget the part about being able to trust her with your secret, unless of course you don't mind other people knowing.

[CharlaineCadence]

As a transexual I to find it hard when dateing women. The right time to tell them. I have found that for me the best time is to tell then on the first date during dinner or after coffiee. yes i have lost many girls on the way but all of them have been supportive of me and are mostlyl now my friends. my current girlfriend has know me my whole life so its a little different with her. but I will tell you this unless the person you are with is evil she isn't going to run around and tell your secret. Esp. if you tell her right away. thar faster you tell her. and the manor you tell her means alot. If you are transgendered it is alot better to tell right away. I have learned that already. Dont be the typical male steriotype about honesty. YOU NEED TO BE HONEST FROM DAY ONE. You may hurt her feelings but she will be greatful you didn't do it when she was inlove with you wich is devistating. sso be upfrount and honest and you will be fine.

kiss kiss
Char