Thinking out loud

[TGMarla]

All right, let me get serious here for a minute. Let me spout. And you can all tell me what you think. A lot of this is all my fault, I guess, since I grew up in the age before the internet, and I really didn't have any idea what my crossdressing was all about. I kept it a very close secret, and never once told anybody. I'm on my second marriage now, one that has lasted for a good long time so far. I don't think my first wife ever knew. Our divorce was due to her infidelity, not my crossdressing. It didn't last long, and the subject never came up. It never had a chance.

But neither did I ever tell her about it, either. You could say I got away with it, but I really think we all know it's not really about that...getting away with anything. It's about issues that go far deeper and on a fundamental level. But when I married again, once more I did not tell my wife I crossdress. I'd never told anyone. Ever. I love my wife. I love her deeply. Most people who know her do. She's just that very special kind of person (like her father), that radiates something very good. And people feel that in her. So do I.

Over the years, I've slipped up. I've left things out, or out of place. I've accidently damaged some of her things, which is something I'd never set out to do. I've borrowed her clothes. I've left signs here and there, not on purpose, that I crossdress. But even after nights when we sort of had "the Talk" because of these mistakes, it was something that we just would not talk about at all. It was that little secret that no one whispers of. And finally, after any kind of pretense at all was no longer believable, I joined this forum and quickly came to the conclusion that so many of us have, that honesty with her was really the only path that is possible.

So I wrote her a long letter. It was about 5 pages. I detailed it all, maintaining my dignity, and my love for her. I spilled it to her. I waited for days to have the real "Talk". I was ready. But again, she never spoke of it to me at all. She became more attentive to me, and was seeminly kinder and more loving to me after that. But she never spoke of it, nor gave me any sign that it was something she wished to discuss. I found the letter in the paper shredder. The issue went under the rug again, and there it stays. She obviously does not want to talk about it.

So to my point, let me ask a question. How well do you know someone? Sure, you know a lot of people. We're all friends here, too, right? But I don't really know any of you. I'm acquainted with some of you, and I'm familiar with many of you, and I really like a lot of you (really!), but fundamentally, we don't really know each other. We don't really know most anyone. I mean know them to the point where you get down into what makes them really tick. A meeting of souls. Do you know anyone that well? Even your own family? I thought that was what being married was supposed to be. I was hoping that one time in my life, I could truly know someone and be known on a level I've never known before. Are you that way with your SO?

See...I'm not. I'd like to be, but I'm not. It's quite possibly my own fault. I suspect that some of you are not, either. I also suspect that many of you are. I love my wife, and I know she loves me, but she doesn't reach to that place in my soul. I'm closed off, I guess. I don't mean to make it hard work for her, but sometimes we develop walls within us without meaning to do so. I think in a way, crossdressing has done that to me. And perhaps my wife doesn't reach that far down because she's afraid of what she might find. There are a lot of good things there that she would really like, but the crossdressing is down there, too. And I think maybe that's what she's afraid to find. And maybe it's a barrier between us that won't go away. There's a lot of hurt there for her. And she's already dealing with the loss of her only child, her son, and more recently, her father. She really doesn't want to deal with the crossdressing issue as well.

So there is the possiblity that in order to attempt to find that kind of relationship in my life, I may have to someday leave her. I'm not planning on it, mind you. I'm just talking out loud. It's not really fair to me or her, though, when you think about it, because I don't want to ever prevent her from having that kind of love in her life, either. Those losses I just mentioned have left her very empty, and it's a void that no one person, even me, her husband, can ever hope to fill. All I can do is be there for her. And I am. She deserves it. And I continue to hope that we can improve on us.

So, If you made it this far, thanks. End of rant. Your thoughts are also welcome. I appreciate everyone's input. Always.

[Joy Carter]

Well writen my friend I think couples all have the same feelings from time to time, distant but stiil there. Hard to descibe but it's like being alone with company. We professe our love infront of God family and friends. I never thought that there would ever be anything between us but it dose happen in the best of relationships. Your doing all you can nothing more to do.

[Mona]

Hi Marla,
Give her time. As you said she is facing some very traumatic issues right now, she doesn't need another one. Then, given lots of time and support from you she may decide to learn what this CD stuff is all about (then direct her to this forum!) but only when she is ready. Be patient, love is worth it!
Hugs, Mona

[Laurie Ann]

Marla I believe that what you have written is a place that we all find or have found ourselves in. I have not told my wife because I am deathly afraid of the potential consequences. I am dying inside to tell her but yet fear is ruling my head. You have put it out there (good for you) now it just may need time to simmer before its ready to be spoken of.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Marla, Some women will never address it or accept it. They prefer to think that is doesn't exist and they have a husband who is really a manly man who can fulfill their needs for security and love as a woman and who will get over it. My wife was in denial for years, even though I told her two years after we were married. She avoided the issue and pretended that it didn't exist. I was a good husband and father but always had the nagging need to be my femme self, despite how "macho" I would seem to be at times. Once the children grew up and left the nest, there was really nothing to hold us together in a common way. I finally came "out" as my femme self and she got cooler towards me. Losing all hope, I guess of having her "man". We are still married but not living together as she cannot and will not accept Ericka even though I can be Richard for her as well. She has made it clear that she does not want Ericka to exist. While it's sad, that will never happen as I have to be true to myself. I need both parts of myself and asassinating Ericka would be disasterous to me. Every woman handles it differently and I'm sure even the best supporting spouse has her days when she says: "Is this ever going to end with him?" in spite of us understanding their feelings and being in touch with them more than other types of guys. I wish you well with whatever happens. As your sisters, we are always here to support you and for you to talk to. My thanks to whoever started this forum. In the few short days during which I have been a member, it's been a godsend. Take care Hon, Love Ericka

[kathy gg]

Hey hon.

Well I have followed your story since you have started sharing it...always hoping that she would make a move that would be the begining of understanding. But it seems as the more months pass from the time you gave her that thoughtful letter the more the space has widened. It is a real shame, cause from what little I know of you on list, you seem like you probably are a very good husband. And a good husband is a hard thing to come by!

I wish I could say with some hope to back it up that "hang in there...everything will work out'....but I can't say that and mean it. Because as I have said to you before, some women just never get to that point where they want to even try to understand. And it is sad, because from this very post I feel us {strangers} know more about you than she does...and that sucks. And it is not your fault...you have tried and I think you can be proud no matter what the outcome {eventually} that you did as much as you could do to make this a bit easier for her to grasp.

You obvoisuly do care about her a great deal and it shows.

For some though, love is not always enough....

This is pretty heavy stuff...I hope if anything just writing what you did makes you feel a little better.

Hugs sent your way
take care

[melissacd]

Marla,

I can so relate to what you say. It took 9 years from my wife's first discovery to the point where we are today, acknowlegement (not acceptance) that my cross dressing really is something that will never go away.

I have talked to my wife about the importance of this part of me and how the repression of it creates that great divide to true intimacy. I know absolutely of what you speak. My wife does not see my cross dressing as important and she does not see how not dealing with it creates the great divide so for the most part she just tries to ignore it. Her ignorance of that part of me is like being snubbed, it is a conditional form of love. To me true love is not conditional it is absolute. You know that you have found your soul mate when you resonate with each other. You know it because it feels right. There is a wisdom to that type of relationship, we know it exists, we feel it inside and that is why we seek it.

In as much as we al have difficult things to deal with in our lives and in as much as we all have our eccentricities, we should love our partners unconditionally and we should be able to expect the same. Anything less means they are not the right one.

Take care of yourself, you are always in my thoughts.

Huggs
Melissa

[Tina Dixon]

I found no rant here at all Marla, and you reached a area in my own life when my wife found out about my dressing about a month ago, for since that day it has not been brought up again, and yes I to have found her giving me more attention for I think she blames this on her self.

As far as separating to live the life you feel you may need to do, I to have had these thoughts.

I guess all you can do is go day to day but there is another side to you and can you keep her buried for long?

[Veronica E. Scott]

Just thinking outloud

Marla I really wish there was something I could say but there isn't I know what you are going through because I am going through the same thing with my wife the light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer and I dont know what to do except keep the faith. Hoping and praying for the best for you and me also and for everyone who has an unexcepting spouse or SO.

[DonnaT]

What is it Marla that you are exactly looking for?

For me, I feel my wife and I are soul mates. We can be thinking the same thing at times. Love is enough for me, and hopefull it remains enough for her. It may not, as she has mentioned divorce more than once, but we've always managed to get past it, out of the love we have for each other.

She doesn't accept my CDing, and in fact hates it, but tolerates it out of love. I can accept that. Love is enough.

So, back to my question, what do you want from her? Acknowledgement, acceptance, tolerance, the ability to dress without having to hide it?

Does she know what you want?

You wouldn't be fair to her if you ever came to the decision of breaking it off, if she is unaware of what you want.

So, if you need something more from her than the love she has shown you, be honest with her and tell her what it is.

[Bonnie D]

I, like you Marla, grew up pre-internet and felt I was alone in what I did, I was not normal and so my crossdressing was to be kept a secret forever. Prior to getting married I told my wife that I had tried on my mother's clothes when I was young. She appeared to take it well and then she said, "You don't do that anymore, do you?" The way she said "do you" surprised me and I automatically told her what she wanted to hear. I said, "No." She said that she was so pleased that I had revealed this deep dark secret to her. We married about a year later and it wasn't long after that I tried again. I told her that I was still interested in crossdressing and that I had a few articles of lingerie hidden away in the apartment basement locker. She got quite angry and demanded that I throw it all out. She didn't want to see it, just throw it out. I did. There was never any further discussion on the matter. It wasn't long before I bought more and found a different hiding place. I can't take this much longer. I've alway loved her but never as much as I should. There are many things I love about her and many things I don't. I've lived a double life for a long time. I will never meet anyone who will totally understand and accept me for who I really am and I'm not looking. I'm plan on living alone sometime. When? I don't know.

Bonnie

[Billijo49504]

Hi Marla, I am truly blessed, My wife is very supportive of my X dressing. But I've nursed her back from several nervious brakedownsm, and she has nursed me back from death. I died 4 times.She is my best friend and I'm her's.So I'm one of the lucky ones....BJ

[ColleenCD]

Marla,

You mentioned two things that struck me. One is you wrote her a 5 page letter which she will not discuss and she shredded. The second is a recent loss of both her only child and her father.

The loss of her father can be extremely painful for many people, but to bury your child can cause the strongest of adults to shell away in their sorrow. I wonder if your crossdressing simply isn't high enough on her list of concerns to address?

If she hasn't truly come to terms with these losses, then counseling may be a good alternative for her. If she has moved past them, then maybe get a couple of books on crossdressing which she could read to help understand more about why we do what we do. Ask her to read them.

Either way, "buy her chairs." This is from the movie Phenomenon. Pour yourself into her and be a part of her life that makes her know that you think about her all the time. Watch and see how much she opens up to you and you'll find out about what is deep within her. THEN she might reciprocate and YOU can finally trust someone with your secret.

PS: great avatar pic.

Colleen

[Jolene]

Marla ....

It is an honor to meet a caring person as you .... To let it all out here to your sisters. I am single here , living alone so that part of dressing does not affect me. I can only imagine your pain in how best to talk with your wife about this. You sound so caring toward her and being a true mate to her. Life is not perfect for you or me. We are who we are. I really wish I could say something to help make things better for you. Remember you never walk alone. Your sisters are always here for you ............ Jolene


Marla I believe that what you have written is a place that we all find or have found ourselves in. I have not told my wife because I am deathly afraid of the potential consequences. I am dying inside to tell her but yet fear is ruling my head. You have put it out there (good for you) now it just may need time to simmer before its ready to be spoken of.

I fret about someone in my family finding out about me by chance. To have a wife and not know how to speak about this makes my situation pale. This forum is so good for all of us to turn to each other for support........ Jolene

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Marla

I think you find yourself in the same position as a lot of girls here.
Your wife may be thinking out of sight out of mind. As she knows you dress due to the letter which was an excellent idea. It sounds as though this is a difficult time for her at the moment. I would give her a few months then ask what she thought about the letter. Explain you dont want to hide anything from her, or have her getting a shock if she happens to come home when you are dressed. You have to make sure she knows you still love her. You may have to accept its going to be something she wont want know about.

I hope you find a way to resolve these issues.

Best Wishes

[Emma_Forbes]

Marla,

Your post really tugged the old heartstrings here and I feel very deeply for you. It's true that I don't know you and you don't know me and I can't really offer any advice; I honsetly wish I could.

I just wanted to say that, if one is allowed to have people they aspire to be on this forum, you are one of mine. I think your look is amazing, particularly bearing in mind the restrictions you have. I find your posts insightful and helpful and know that I've posted a 'good' post if you reply to it! This might sound a bit sycophantic (if that's the right word) but I genuinely appreciate your experience, wisdom and openness.

I wish you and your wife all the best in your relationship and I hope things improve one day for you both.

Em :hugs:

[uknowhoo]

Dear, sweet Marla, my heart goes out to you.

I feel like I really, truly and deeply know my wife - including what makes her tick. As you probably know, I am not out to my wife. I feel tremendous guilt about not reciprocating and opening myself up to her completely, honestly and intimately. I hope to come out to her in the near future. I have considered doing so with a letter, similar to how you approached your situation.

From where I see it, you've done all you can for now. You came clean, and now she knows. Of course, it would be wonderful to wave a magic wand and have her accept you (incl. Marla) unconditionally. I can certainly appreciate how her refusal - at this time - to even discuss it would be frustrating for you. You feel like she's rejecting a part of you which is so very important to who you are. But it's in anyone's interest to force the issue, especially in the wake of your dear father-in-law's passing.

I know you're "just talking aloud," but I don't see where you "may have to someday leave her." I haven't heard you say that you feel like your living a lie, you're miserable, or that your love has died - that kind of thing. From what you've written here, and previously, it sounds as though you two have a wonderful relationship and marriage otherwise. Throwing all that away in hopes of finding something better with someone else doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense to me.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh, and I don't mean to trivialize what Marla means to you. I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

For what it's worth, while it's true that I don't really know you, I feel like I do know Marla pretty well at this point. And you really are a beautiful person.

Love,

Tammi

[livy_m_b]

You mentioned two things that struck me. One is you wrote her a 5 page letter which she will not discuss and she shredded. The second is a recent loss of both her only child and her father.

The loss of her father can be extremely painful for many people, but to bury your child can cause the strongest of adults to shell away in their sorrow.

It's common for people to withdraw after the loss of a loved parent or child and faced with the loss of "him" might have made the loss seem overwhelming. Sometimes what appears like not caring is just the person doing a little self-help on managing their own emotions.

It's also possible that her withdrawal has had something to do with your need to express yourself - part of the feminine in your life has withdrawn from you and you are trying to balance that loss.

These comments are not criticism or judgement - just observations I've made in other circumstances that may be applicable, or not.

[TGMarla]

What a bunch of really sweet replies! I thank you all. And to answer Donna's rather pertinent question, what is it I'm looking for, the answer is simple. I want a love that strives to know me on levels where I barely know myself, who I can love back just as fervently. I don't have that. But I do have a wonderful wife. I think you all see that as well. And whereas we share love for each other, it's more of a surface love, I think, rather than that deep, abiding soul-mate kind of love. But like I said, I'm not planning drastic changes here. I'm just thinking out loud.

[EricaCD]

Once again I did the stupid thing and started typing before carefully reading the entire thread. Then (before posting mercifully) I re-read and discovered that Tammi said pretty much everything I intended to say. She just did it more articulately and sensitively.

Given the range of likely outcomes when a wife discovers, we are both pretty damn lucky to have "knows but avoids" spouses. It may be that I never share Erica with my wife on a meaningful level, and I will have to make my peace with that. IMHO that's not an intolerable compromise for an otherwise wonderful marriage.

Best of luck sorting out your feelings on the subject and by all means please keep us posted!

Erica

[Rikkicn]

I want a love that strives to know me on levels where I barely know myself, who I can love back just as fervently. I don't have that. But I do have a wonderful wife. I think you all see that as well. And whereas we share love for each other, it's more of a surface love, I think, rather than that deep, abiding soul-mate kind of love.

That's what I was feeling 7 years ago. By that time, I was tired of tryinig to make things work and she just gave up trying, period. I had come to feel a sense of hoplessness and the I came realised I wanted and deserved more from life.
It was the hardest decision I ever made but I decided to get a divorce and trust in my heart and the future.

It's now 5 years latter. Life is coming back together again in new and wonderful ways. I was the best decision I ever made too.

Sometimes divorce is the only solution.

Best of luck
Love to chat more if your interested
Rikki

[Julie Avery]

Marla, what a beautiful, self-revealing post. I think that a lot of what you're feeling, of wanting to be known intimately to your very core, is something that doesn't come up so much in the emotional life of us genetic males until mid-life. Then, having lived our most important relationships at the surface level for so long, we find ourselves with exactly the dilemma you've so movingly described. I know I found myself there after twenty years in my first marriage. And I don't have any advice, I just want to join the others who've posted above in a resounding "You have a beautiful soul, and it shows, and in this inner struggle you face, you are not alone."

[Lilith Moon]

Hiya Marla,

Just a thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on in the thread I started ( I did really cry) and to give you a big :hugs: As others have said...you are not alone. Take care.

[sherri]

Marla, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you saying that you and your wife lack a certain level of intimacy and connectedness, and that absence would be there even if you weren't a crossdresser? That while the crossdressing may exacerbate the situation, it isn't the root problem?

My short answer to one of your questions is that no, you never really know someone to their core, nor do they ever know you to that degree. And even if you could, the only constant in life is change; the person you knew in 1990 may not be the same person in 2006.

As for the matter of soulmates, I do think that is possible, but I don't think it's usually as comprehensive as we wish. What I'm trying to say is that it's possible to strike a chord with another person and share a sense of kindred spirits on one level -- or in one "room" of the soul, if you will -- but that person isn't going to be able to co-habitate the whole house with you, nor you for her. (It's a clumsy metaphor, I know, but this is difficult to nail down with words.) No one person can ever completely slake our thirst for soulful communion. If we're lucky, we get to bond with our mate in one way, with a friend in another way, relate to our work yet another way, etc., and so ease the sense of aloneness that is an unavoidable part of life.

[dancinginthedark]

Hi Marla,
I feel like there are times I know my husband better than anyone else in the world and he knows me just that well too. Then something happens and I find myself looking across the table at a stranger. No matter how much we love and try to be understanding and accepting these times do seem to come. For some it happens often and for others once in a blue moon. But even with those "who are you?" moments I still love my husband.
Right now I feel like the flip side of your coin. I feel like I am the only one accepting the CD-ing now and no matter how many notes or letters I leave I get no response. We had "the talk" and I accepted the CD-ing only for him to jump back into that closet without me. :( So I can kind of relate to how you are feeling. It makes for a very lonely feeling doesn't it? I hope someday your DW can talk with you about the CD and even accept it. I have my fingers crossed for us all.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Marla,

Your most heartfelt post is far from a rant. I suspect that many here can relate to the feelings expressed therein.

There is little for me to add to what everyone else has said other that these two thoughts:



Over the years, I've slipped up. I've left things out, or out of place. I've accidently damaged some of her things, which is something I'd never set out to do. I've borrowed her clothes. I've left signs here and there, not on purpose, that I crossdress. But even after nights when we sort of had "the Talk" because of these mistakes, it was something that we just would not talk about at all. It was that little secret that no one whispers of.
...
So I wrote her a long letter. It was about 5 pages. I detailed it all, maintaining my dignity, and my love for her. I spilled it to her. I waited for days to have the real "Talk". I was ready. But again, she never spoke of it to me at all. She became more attentive to me, and was seeminly kinder and more loving to me after that. But she never spoke of it, nor gave me any sign that it was something she wished to discuss. I found the letter in the paper shredder. The issue went under the rug again, and there it stays. She obviously does not want to talk about it.


When I was seeing my therapist, one thing which she and I discussed was the resentment I had developed towards my parents. As I saw it, either they didn't know I had the issues I did or they were in complete denial about it. So, I decided to have 'the talk' with them. My therapist asked me "What are you looking to get out of this?" - a fair question. I told her "Acknowledgement. I need for them to acknowledge me for who and what I am." She asked "What if it doesn't go well?" I told her "I'm OK with that. They might not accept me, but they will acknowledge me. There is a difference." She smiled at me and said "Yes, there is a difference."

Marla, what you have from your wife - at the very least - is acknowledgement. Through your 'slip-ups' and your honesty, you have let her know about Marla. You and your wife are still together and still love each other. I'll even go one further and allow that you have acceptance from her as well. Perhaps not in the same way as some others here have it, but your wife does accept it - even if she's not in a position to discuss it now.



So to my point, let me ask a question. How well do you know someone? Sure, you know a lot of people. We're all friends here, too, right? But I don't really know any of you. I'm acquainted with some of you, and I'm familiar with many of you, and I really like a lot of you (really!), but fundamentally, we don't really know each other. We don't really know most anyone. I mean know them to the point where you get down into what makes them really tick. A meeting of souls. Do you know anyone that well? Even your own family? I thought that was what being married was supposed to be. I was hoping that one time in my life, I could truly know someone and be known on a level I've never known before. Are you that way with your SO?

See...I'm not. I'd like to be, but I'm not. It's quite possibly my own fault. I suspect that some of you are not, either. I also suspect that many of you are. I love my wife, and I know she loves me, but she doesn't reach to that place in my soul. I'm closed off, I guess. I don't mean to make it hard work for her, but sometimes we develop walls within us without meaning to do so. I think in a way, crossdressing has done that to me. And perhaps my wife doesn't reach that far down because she's afraid of what she might find. There are a lot of good things there that she would really like, but the crossdressing is down there, too. And I think maybe that's what she's afraid to find. And maybe it's a barrier between us that won't go away. There's a lot of hurt there for her. And she's already dealing with the loss of her only child, her son, and more recently, her father. She really doesn't want to deal with the crossdressing issue as well.


How well do we know ourselves? I have, at various points in my life, been sure I 'knew myself', only to find out that in fact I didn't. At this point in my life, I'm sure that I do, but ten years from now... I could be back at square one.

We 'know' a person only to the extent that we want to know them and that they want to be known. Your wife knows you - she knows about Marla - because you have allowed her to know this part of you. However, your wife will only know Marla to the extent that she wants to. For her to know you more - to dig deeper - runs the risk of uncovering something in you which even you might not know about yourself. Perhaps your wife simply isn't ready for any new revelations? It's the if it ain't broke, don't fix it principle. She knows 'enough' for now and is comfortable with that.

She has personally been through a lot as of late and need time to process and come to terms with it all. I suspect that if you revisit the issue down the road - and I'm sure you'll be able to tell when that time is - she'll be in a better place to have an open discussion.

My best to you both.

Warm Regards,
Donna

[TGMarla]

For the record, no, I'm not planning on leaving her. But I'll also add that this isn't what I had in mind when I went and got married, either. So many hard hits, so much grief...it's funny how the road of life has so many turns that aren't on the map. I'll bet many of you can relate to that.

On the one hand, Erica has a point. To have spouses that know, but don't throw a stink is not as bad as it could be. On the other hand, Rikki, who in search of what she didn't have, has led her to what she feels is a better life. Julie can relate to what I'm saying, because she's in the same situation. Her relationship is cordial, but not deeply and emotionally intimate, it seems. And Sherri, I think your "house" reference works pretty well. Perhaps it's television that has brainwashed me into thinking such a relationship is possible. No one really ever approaches that kind of spiritual and emotional intimacy, right?

Good luck, Mae. It sounds like you need it. And MsDonna, thanks. Like the rest of you, I appreciate the responses. It certainly gives me much to ponder, which is what I was looking for. Thank you to all of you who responded to this thread with such heartfelt and introspective answers. God bless you all. May we all have better relationships.

[stephanie100]

It will take a long time For your wife to get over the lose of her father and The death of a child is devistating for you both. Having been in two marrages I lost my first wife she died in an epileptic fit at age 28 my second died of Cancer of the breast 6 years ago. She needs time and space to get over and to reflect it is your streabth she needs.I guess now is not the time to force the CD issue.
:hugs:
Steph

[HaleyPink2000]

Marla my Sister!

Don't give away the farm, no divorce. She seems like She's taking this rather well so far. A little at a time. Baby steps, so to speak!

HGz!

[MsJanessa]

Hi Marla----I don't have much to comment on except to say that during the last 50 years or so, society has raised the expectations of marriage to such a high level that relativly few marriages are capable of---it used to be that marriage was based on mutual respect and love---with the respective spouses forfilling their marital obligations(support, both financial and emotional, fidelity--sexual--care and comfort) The idea that our spouse had to know everything about us was an alien concept---the idea that they had to accept and approve of everything about us was even more alien---it used to be enough that we were kind, supportive and faithfull. Now it seems with the advent of Oprah and Dr Phil that it is not enough to forfill our vows but that we have to be perfect---which means being compatible in all ways. My own personal experiences tell Me that nobody is completely compatible with their spouse--that differences will always exist---It may be that your wife will never feel comfortable about your dressing enough to accept it---but you have done what you feel you should and told her about it. The fact that she didn't bolt out the door shows that she loves you, even if she doesn't accept the dressing. If you love her enough to keep that part of yourselve private and away from her, then you will have a reasonably good relationship. If you feel you have to come out to her and others, then I hope it works. Your posting seems to indicate that you did not follow up the letter with the conversation. The tone of your posting leads Me to believe that you want to. Whatever you decide to do, good luck. J

[sharifemme]

Marla...

I know how you feel and The only thing I can tell you is that your situation will either get worse, stay the same or get better. At least you have made yourself "honest" with her even if she is not comfortable with the timing or the topic in general.

I'd wait just a little while and then initiate a new conversation or send her a new letter. Be sure to be supportive of her feelings and be honest about yours.

May God Bless you both!

Sharifemme

[sherri]

...this isn't what I had in mind when I went and got married, either.
Oh baby, I can relate to that! But in hindsight, I know it was as much my fault as anyone else's, cuz I didn't exercise a great deal of maturity in selecting mates. I confused pretty on the outside with pretty on the inside, sex with intimacy, etc. But my biggest mistake was in buying hook line and sinker - assuming, really - the whole notion of two people becoming one, a notion I had been taught as a young person. Maybe there was a time, but these days, I dunno. Funny thing is, the practical side of me has become cynical, but I have to admit the ideal still lives in me.


So many hard hits, so much grief...it's funny how the road of life has so many turns that aren't on the map. I'll bet many of you can relate to that.
I sure can Marla, but you know what? I believe with all my heart that life's heartaches can produce good, important changes in us if we allow it. Losing a child is an especially tough one, and I can see it scarring irrevocably, but in time the net result can still have positive aspects. I believe life is meant to humble us, and out of that humility is born maturity, wisdom, self-esteem and peace. Doesn't happen overnight though, and it never stops being a work in progress. Then too, not everyone is interested in changing.


Her relationship is cordial, but not deeply and emotionally intimate, it seems. And Sherri, I think your "house" reference works pretty well. Perhaps it's television that has brainwashed me into thinking such a relationship is possible. No one really ever approaches that kind of spiritual and emotional intimacy, right?
It is so hard to give up on that. Maybe we shouldn't give up on it. Maybe we should just wise up and realize that while total oneness isn't possible, two people with a certain amount of chemistry can achieve a closeness on one level or in one way that will sustain them in coping with their differences.

[TGMarla]

Ms Janessa, I read your response with some interest, because I think you make a very good point. Perhaps our expectations of just what to expect in a mate has been skewed by pop culture to be that perfect other person who is your "soul mate", an overused statement that has grown a bit stale. Marriages were once as utilitarian as they were romantic, if not more so. You have some valid arguments. And Sherri, you also seem as if this thread has struck a chord. I really felt that I would be very settled by now, with children, living a typical life in the 'burbs. But I never had any children of my own, my wife is seemingly barren now, we're a bit old to start with kids at this stage, I just began a new job.....it's not quite like Leave it to Beaver, is it? Not quite what I had envisioned. Thanks again, everyone, for your responses.

[Melora]

Dear Marla, thanks for starting this thread.
There is nothing for me to add for you; Except I am in a simulair situation you were in before the letter. However, I do believe that my wife does know something about my Fem. & CD side, and probably has for around 6 years now. I know that she did catch Melora once apon a time. My wife had left our apartment, to go for work. I was all excited about having the day off! I said Yay!, and got out the secret stash of all my girly thingies. They were sitting in the middle of the front room. I was in the bath room with the door shut, While I was in there trying my best to get all dolled up, I HEARD HER come back into the apartment! :sad: I just stayed in the bathroom the entire time, which seemed like a LOONG time, of silence. I then heard her leave, and when she did I ventured out to investigate, and found that nothing was ever touched. I was so scared, that I never even got dressed up that day, only drunk.
We have NEVER talked about it though, after all this time. I always feel that it was kinda weird, that neither of us brought it up. Maybe because it is out of the love that we have for each other, that we do not really want to dig that far deeply into each other. To dig that deeply would be to possibly violate anothers private thoughts and desires. For instance I think my wife may possibly like other girls!, Though to confront her with my suspicions, would be totaly unfair!, It is her place to bring that up to me, just as it is my place to bring my CD self out to her. If neither of us chooses to do this, no harm caused as long as we do not ever intend to cause harm. All we can do is to leave subtle hints, ME in a VERY BIG WAY:rolleyes: , and her in the absolute keen interest, and small hints, that I know she has in other females.
Well this is my little part of this thread.
Huggs to all posting girls on this thread many of you really touched Meloras heart!

[btmgrl6]

I am not quaified to give advice here. Just prayer and moral support. I have had only on serious relationship. it was with a man that accepted me for what I was,no questions asked. In fact he encouraged me. This was at a time when I was unsure of myself and had no one to confide in. I later found out that that he had other motives.
All i can say to you is that I hope things work out for you to everyone's satisfaction.

Steph