I did it all wrong

[Lilith Moon]

I originally wrote this as a response to another thread. Then I realised that it is more about me and "My story" than a helpful response to somebody else's issues. So here goes:

I'm another married CD-er who did it all wrong.

In my defense, when we got married there was nothing like this forum where people could get support/advice and I thought that in my new married life cross dressing would no longer be an issue. How wrong I was.

Very soon, the need to cross dress returned with intensity but I evaded the honesty issue by doing most of it at work where I had plenty of opportunities to dress and even get out in public. This went on for many years, until I took early retirement and started a second career self-employed and working from home.

I still choose to keep things secret and by this time my wife was out of the house doing college courses and, later on, at work. You can guess what clothes I chose to wear while she was out. Then we moved to this idyllic spot in Wales in 2000. I continued working from home and my wife did yet more college courses for a year or so...then things changed. She did not get the work she hoped for and now stays at home more or less 24/7.

After a while, I couldn't stand the abstinence from CD-ing that this caused. I had to find a way to dress while she was around...or I felt I would burst. So, we had the Talk. She seemed accepting for a while but quickly cooled off. Occasionally, she does make some efforts to communicate and we have even had some nice girlie shopping trips together. But most of the time she has a downer on it and doesn't want to know. "I'm not a lesbian", she says. She prefers to pretend that it doesn't exist, or is unimportant and everything is OK. If I press the issue she gets angry. She refuses to try to educate herself about gender and refuses point blank to have anything to do with this forum "I don't want a bunch of people telling me how to think."

The last time I dressed, she blundered into this room at 1:00 am and screamed the place down. "I didn't realize it was you", she explained later. Likely story, I had already told her what I was up to. I was simply sitting in front of my PC doing a little programming work...in my favorite calf length skirt.

All of this has had a big effect on me...I feel pretty much unloved by her. I feel stressed out if I try to dress when she is anywhere around the house. Especially when she starts running round closing the curtains and locking the doors. Our nearest neighbors are 300 feet away and screened by trees, for god's sake. I also feel resentful that she will not even allow me a little personal space and time to fulfill my needs. In fact, resentful is an understatement. I'm sure she is watching me whenever I'm in this room. She seems to pop in and out very regularly and even gets up at night to come see what I'm doing. "I needed to take a pee, and just thought I would come say hello". She doesn't have to be involved if she doesn't want to. I ache inside, I think about cross dressing 1000 times each day and spend hours in this forum when I should be outside in the sun enjoying our pretty riverside location. Of course, she asks me why I seem so depressed, but if I try to explain she simply dismisses what I'm saying, she doesn't seem to hear properly and gets angry. She simply will not acknowledge what is happening to me no matter how many times I try to explain.

I'm not young anymore, my clock is ticking away and as a couple we are in a state of emotional stalemate..going nowhere. Except, this very morning my own mental state reached another milestone. I woke up after some lovely dreams (spring sunshine, summer dresses) and was actually disappointed to be awake. So, here I am, at the start of another dreary day in the middle of my "rural paradise" and wishing I could turn the clock back to those fabulous days when I could dress as I pleased and get out in the town center and malls in the sunshine whenever I wanted to.

So, that is my story so far. I haven't a clue what to do next. Thanks for reading this…typing it and knowing others will read it does actually help.

Thanks.

[Kate Simmons]

Lilith, I know exactly how you feel Hon. My case is similar to yours except my wife never even offered to go shopping with me. She also told me she was not a "lesbian". I always told her it had nothing to do with my feelings for her but she could never separate the two. She always felt there was something lacking in her as a woman otherwise I wouldn't want to do this and would just want to be a total "man" for her. She said this was more important to me than her or else I could give it up. So here we are after 30+ years of marriage basically not being married except in name. The children have all grown and moved on, so we have nothing in common to hold us together. Thank god for this forum. It's nice to talk to other gals for support. I wish you well Hon. Take care, Love Ericka

[Raychel]

Wow Lilith, There is so much of what you described that could be my life. I wish that I had some real words of wisdom. But I find that I am in the exact same spot that you are. My wife will also have nothing to do with learning anything about crossdressing, and has almost no desire to be close to me at all. No matter how I am dressed. Although I must admit that when I do get up in the night she does not come down to my computer room. She will at least give me that space. We also have occasional shopping trips. But she really would rather not see me in any of the things that we may buy. She clames that there is no intimacy because she is really turned of by my dressing and she never knows when I will have panties on when I go to bed. But for the last 2 months I have had nothing but mens clothes on around her, and still nothing.

So I feel pretty much unloved by her also. What to do from here, I have no idea. Having 2 great kids around here sure has helped though. I do feel very loved and needed by them. There is no replacing that. I guess I will just roll with it for the time. Hoping that someday before I am to old, we can put the passion back in this marriage.

I may not have given any words of wisdom, But rest assured that you are not alone in this.

[Eugenie]

Seems like many members of this forum are in a similar situation: our wives know but disapprove of our X-dressing. In my case she doesn't even want to speak about it.

We have been maried since 1969, I told her a couple of years after we got maried. It is my evolution towards a full x-dressing as opposed to a "underwear-only-sexual-fantazy" type of behavior that really turned her off.

We nevertheless reached some sort of compromise. I can dress as I want under two conditions
1/ she doesn't participate, even talking about it, of course her clothes are not to be touched by me (fair enough)
2/ I must be cautious not to be found out by people close to our family.

She knows I exchange e-mail and even meet other X-dressers but doesn't want to have anything to do with it.

And yes, I know the feeling, just being able to talk about it is already such a help in our cases.

Love.

Eugénie

[Dixie Darling]

There have been several references made in the replies to Lilith's post in which the wife of the crossdresser has made the statement, "I am not a lesbian." I am in a similar non-tolerating relationship and my own wife has made the same statement on more than one occasion. So I'm wondering why it is that the GGs think this way? Most of us have lives just like other people (inclucing the intimate times), and do the typical male activities such as working on the car, house, etc. Additionally, very few of us don't try to force our dressing on our wives out of a respect for her own feelings and emotions about it. In other words we don't "connect" crossdressing and sexual activity unless these wives are agreeable to do so and are comfortable with it. So just what IS it that seems to make them "feel like" a lesbian if they have a crossdresser for a husband when the dressing itself isn't flaunted or no attempt is made to bring it into the bedroom? I'm just curious about it, any ideas?

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[TGMarla]

Wow, Lilith. I know the feeling, dear. If you read my thread, you'll see some parallels. My wife isn't home 24/7, though. But you just can't let the crossdressing control you like that. It's eating you up inside. That's no way to live your life! Hey, my situation isn't enviable, but since I decided to not let the crossdressing be the single driving force in my life, I've been happier and more productive.

0.02

[stephanie100]

Am I the only one whose partner really understands the Xdressing though even we have rules If we shop together I go in drab for example If I go alone I go as I please.
I dont wear nighties except when away from home on buissness for example which I am in the summer alot. The whole of July I will be away.By the way Lilth I will be in wales staying in Cardiff but working just outside, Id tell you where but have to get off the forum to check and log in to the work network via the web. My presant SO is my third partner we are not married as yet.
The Xdressing was not a factor.

I think you have to put your happiness first I know it is hard after so long but life is short and you only get one go at it ( As far as can be proved.)
You need a :hugs:
Im a good listener PM me if you wish or stephanie@perfumed-bath.co.uk

[EricaCD]

Hi Lilith - sorry to hear things are not going well for you. Sometimes it's hard to keep in mind how disruptive CDing usually is to relationships - even when we exclude the obvious cases of a partner who flatly refuses to accept any facet of transgendered behavior. There are lots of us out here with situations that are comparable to your own. Hang in there and I hope it works out!

Erica

[Sandra]

It is a pity that your wife won't join here and just read the GG forum, the she would see that she is not alone. You said that you had the "talk" how long ago was that? and have you really sat down lately and told her how you really feel? and I mean everything. You say she comes into the room and seems to be watching you, this just maybe out of curiosity, just that little thought at the back of her mind. I can't say things will get better, but I hope that they do.

[Julie Avery]

Lilith, this is another sad and beautiful post, like Marla's, describing so very well what I think are things that become deeply troubling to mtf cd's married to unaccepting partners, as they enter upon mid-life. At least, that's how I came to share the leaden, suffocating feelings you're describing, in my first marriage. As you must already know, there's no pain-free option, and I'd be out of place to suggest a decision only you can make in the depths of your soul. I can tell you for sure, only this: You're not alone. We're all in this together.

[Lilith Moon]

Just to say thanks everyone for reading this and responding. I wasn't expecting magical solutions, just a little sympathy, which you have all willingly supplied. It helps a lot. Another day is almost over and here I am again sitting up late reading about the comings and goings with you lovely people....whom I've come to regard as dear friends. Maybe tomorrow will be better...

To those of you in a similar predicament to me...we have our dreams,we have our self respect and we have each other via this forum.

[charlottejane]

hi lillith, sorry to read your note especially when you have the ideal setting..hope it improves

xxx Charlottejane

[lisa j]

Hi Lilith,,
Hope your feeling a bit better now x im new to all this so i hope you dont think im out of line for having my 0.02 worth of say here? i dont want to hurt or upset you or anyone else come to that, im not that sort of person...
you said you think about X dressing a 1000 times a day, well do you think your wife isnt going to pick up on that? she knows your mind is else where and maybe shes feeling jealous and rejected and second best! bcos your thoughts are with Lilith and not her? in a strange way its like having a love affair (well thats how i see it) with Lilith being at the top of your list and thoughts at the moment,and your mood swings are proving it, i have yet to see my boyfriend X dressed, and i know im not ready for that yet, my reason being is i want him looking like a man and feeling like one,bcos that makes me feel safe & secure, you take away the man im use to LOOKING at and put a stranger dressed as a woman infront of me and i think i would be saying " im not a lesbian" either! i wouldnt be able to give a loving cuddle,kiss,hug to my boyfriend while his in fem mode bcos it would be like being with another woman - does that make sense ? its a bit like your wife dressed up as a man with a tash, flat chest and socks down the front of her tight trousers while trying to kiss you - how would you feel?
you also said you feel unloved at the moment, well take a step back and have a look from the outside ... your wife is still there with you, shes stood by you, if she never loved you she wouldnt be there now, she just wants her husbands attention & love ~x~
Lisa j
xxxxxx

[Lilith Moon]

Hi Lilith,,
Hope your feeling a bit better now x im new to all this so i hope you dont think im out of line for having my 0.02 worth of say here? i dont want to hurt or upset you or anyone else come to that, im not that sort of person...
you said you think about X dressing a 1000 times a day, well do you think your wife isnt going to pick up on that? she knows your mind is else where and maybe shes feeling jealous and rejected and second best! bcos your thoughts are with Lilith and not her? in a strange way its like having a love affair (well thats how i see it) with Lilith being at the top of your list and thoughts at the moment,and your mood swings are proving it, i have yet to see my boyfriend X dressed, and i know im not ready for that yet, my reason being is i want him looking like a man and feeling like one,bcos that makes me feel safe & secure, you take away the man im use to LOOKING at and put a stranger dressed as a woman infront of me and i think i would be saying " im not a lesbian" either! i wouldnt be able to give a loving cuddle,kiss,hug to my boyfriend while his in fem mode bcos it would be like being with another woman - does that make sense ? its a bit like your wife dressed up as a man with a tash, flat chest and socks down the front of her tight trousers while trying to kiss you - how would you feel?
you also said you feel unloved at the moment, well take a step back and have a look from the outside ... your wife is still there with you, shes stood by you, if she never loved you she wouldnt be there now, she just wants her husbands attention & love ~x~
Lisa j
xxxxxx

Hiya Lisa,

Thanks for reading my whinge. Yes, today is a little better, the anguish of yesterday has settled back down to the usual dull ache, for now. Thanks also for your comments, which I value highly. You are spot on when you compare CD-ing to having another woman in the relationship...at least from my wifes POV. In truth, I've never seen "Lilith" as another persona. When I dress it is still me. I use the "Lilith" name as a convenience in this forum and as a figure of speech to describe some aspects of my cd-ing.

Yes, my wife does know that I'm currently preoccupied with cd-ing much of the time. I've actually told her and I've told her why this is so...it is because I do not feel comfortable dressing when she is around and therefore almost never dress. Remember, in the past I did dress several times each week and that makes my current situation feel that much worse. She must have worked out by now that I would count down the hours and minutes if I knew she was going out and would be dressing before she even go off the drive. That must make her feel like crap.

Regarding the lesbian thing. She has explained that she is seriously heterosexual and would never feel comfortable being intimate with a woman. Apparently, I make a pretty convincing woman and this just makes things worse for her. I can understand this and, by way of reassurance, explained that I'm not especially motivated to be intimate with her while dressed. If she preferred, she didn't have to see me dressed at all. That was a bad move. She now feels that not only am I obsessed with this "other woman" but I have shut her out of something that is important to me. There's more to this, though...

Since I'm having an affair with this virtual lover my sexual appetite is being satisfied with Lilith. When I "come back home" I no longer desire my wife. That is her take on the situation but it is simply not the way I actually feel. Before I "came out" I was dressing almost every day and yet I had great sex with my wife. I simply cannot get her to believe that my dressing is not a substitute for sex...in fact it seemed to enhance our sex life.

By the way, I can't say too much here, it would be a betrayal of confidence...but my wife is by no means a prude. She has always been sexually adventurous within our relationship..we both have. She has been enthusiastic about stuff that might be even more socially frowned upon than CD-ing :dom: if you see what I mean. It is just my dressing that has stopped everything in it's tracks. We now do almost nothing.

I'm sort of thinking aloud here...but maybe her plan is to starve Lilith out and that will make me come running back to her. In reality, I'm simply depressed for much of the time and when I'm depressed I am not the worlds best sexual performer.

One response to stress, in my case, is to keep busy...go and do some chores. evade the issue. We do have an awful lot of cupboards and shelves in our house nowadays :straightface:

Thanks for your observations. You have given me some stuff to think about and I hope that you have learned a little about some of the possible pitfalls to avoid in a relationship with a CD-er.

Hugzzzz and best wishes to you and your boyfriend.

Lilith

[lisa j]

Afternoon Lilith xx

I think i know how you feel at the moment, its like your not being allowed to be your real self and what makes matters worse is your being stopped in your own home,by all this mixed feelings and emotions you have,you dont want to upset your wife and feeling frustrated of holding back your own desires..
this has got me thinking about my boyfriends feelings...
He gets depressed and withdrawn from me at times and when i ask him whats wrong he always replys "nothings wrong" ! well now i know his secret im worried today that all this silence around me is because he feels the same as you, ya know - not being able to let the other side of him out when his with me and my kids,( dont forget i was only told last night by him of his cdressing)
but now i do know - is it going to put more pressure on him?
i woke up this morning thinking oh god is he going to be wanting to dress while talking to yous on here? what if the kids come down and catch him :eek and IF his in male mode is that going to frustrate him more being on here?
this is all a blur to me Lilith,because if im thinking this then surely he must be thinking it too?
do you think the best way is to say to him .. look if you want to get dressed and talk i'll leave you alone to have time by yourself with the sisters... just make sure you wake me up with a cuppa when you come to bed ! lol
i dont even know if to crack a joke or not like that -at a time like this?
im not a very serious person but i dont want him thinking im taking the pee!its knowing where to draw the line with my humour and seriousness
oh this is so hard - feel like im walking on egg shells and he isnt even here with me yet!!

Love and :hugs: right back at cha!
Lisa j
xxxxxx

[stephanie100]

As I said in my pm Pleased your feeling better today You need your space as Lisa said I like to get up early in the morning dress (em-fem) do a bit of work then cook breakfast for us both. then its time to change and take dogs out. well thats my routine.

I dygress You make a beutifull woman and you are in the ideal beutifull place.Up until a few weeks back I was the one who ran to shut the curtains now i dont bother we are right on the street here. It is hard for the partner of a CDer I know how she feels.and of course I know how you feel.:hugs:
Steph

[Lilith Moon]

He gets depressed and withdrawn from me at times and when i ask him whats wrong he always replys "nothings wrong" ! well now i know his secret im worried today that all this silence around me is because he feels the same as you, ya know - not being able to let the other side of him out when his with me and my kids,( dont forget i was only told last night by him of his cdressing)


Only one day and yet you are so accepting! You are a gem !

Everything that follows is pure guesswork, based on my own experience and from reading about others in here. I may well be miles off the mark, so don't take this as any expert opinion.

There's two issues here, I think. We learn behavior, in time we tend to get rather stuck in the groove. Your boyfriend has, most likely, been CD-ing from an early age and has had to adjust emotionally to his "difference". Apart from the basic gender difference he will have born the burden of his secret for most of his life and this will have affected his whole personality. Part of his lifelong coping strategy may well have been to withdraw from those around him, to set himself apart, to have his guard up, to carefully present a male persona so nobody will ever find out. He may have been doing this all of his life and that isn't going to change overnight, even with the help of a loving and compassionate SO like yourself. It will take time and love.

The second issue follows on. He has probably become accustomed to crossdressing alone in absolute secrecy. It is hell of a jump from that to crossdressing in the company of somebody else, no matter how much you may love them. He will feel embarrassed at first and may simply feel like a ridiculous "guy in a dress" the femme fantasy may not hold up if he has to cope with somebody else’s presence...for a while. Of course, the reality may not work out like that, but the possibility may be worrying him.



do you think the best way is to say to him .. look if you want to get dressed and talk i'll leave you alone to have time by yourself with the sisters... just make sure you wake me up with a cuppa when you come to bed ! lol


As you have already realized, there is a fine line between being light hearted about it, after all this is a gift to enjoy, and ridiculing the activity. All I know is that if my wife said something like that I would be over the moon. I would have my skirt on on two seconds flat :)



i dont even know if to crack a joke or not like that -at a time like this?
im not a very serious person but i dont want him thinking im taking the pee!its knowing where to draw the line with my humour and seriousness
oh this is so hard - feel like im walking on egg shells and he isnt even here with me yet!!


Chill out :tongueout After all, this isn't some dreadful affliction we have. It can be great fun as you will know by now from reading what we all get up to. But give him the time and space he needs, don't crowd him or push him. Let him know that he sets the pace.

You have probably read the other thread started by DancingInTheDark, some great advice in there as well..



Love and :hugs: right back at cha!
Lisa j
xxxxxx

...and here's some more xxxxxxxxxxxx hope your boyfriend doesn't get too jealous :)

[Lilith Moon]

I dygress You make a beutifull woman

Oooh, I've got butterflies in my stomach <blush> Thanks for that. Feeling even better now :)



and you are in the ideal beutifull place.Up until a few weeks back I was the one who ran to shut the curtains now i dont bother we are right on the street here. It is hard for the partner of a CDer I know how she feels.and of course I know how you feel.:hugs:
Steph
Thanks Steph and thanks for the PM.

Hugzzzz

Lilith