What am I missing? Question from a GG to CD

[dancinginthedark]

Good evening ladies. I could really use a perspective different than my own, namely yours. Could some please help me understand what is going on. What did I do wrong? Or what did I forget to do? Is it me at all?? I have been here and other sites since the day after he told me. I never rejected him or her. I have literally made lists of what is good and wonderful about being with a CD and given them to my husband so he would be very clear on this. I love him. I accept him. It is okay. I have read until my eyes are crossed. I have reassured and flattered. ~ I have seen him fully dressed a hand full of times. She looked wonderful BTW. And yes, I said so. Several times. I have shopped till I dropped too. I encouraged him to join here and he has been here a total of One time to post and twice to read over my shoulder. I have tried laying out outfits. I have done everything except hold a gun on him and forced him to dress again. I have tried telling him flat out to wear the silk panties I bought (or any panties for that matter) every day. I even said please. I told him I would love it. No go. I talked matter of fact. I talked dirty. I made suggestions. I offered to shave his legs and do his brows. I have been pushy, I have been coy, and I have backed off. IMHO I believe I accept his being a CD a lot more than he does.
I don’t know what to do except keep my mouth shut and wait. But I have to tell you I don’t get it. I mean, if you told your S/O and s/he did the usual initial freak out and asked the usual twenty questions and in a short time [less than two months~ is that long??] is not only accepting but shopping and asking you to try on new outfits etc then why jump back into that lonely closet? I admit I had to pull in the reins on the shopping because she spent more in one day than I did last year on clothes. And this was after I had spent hundreds of dollars on a full wardrobe. This was a, “I love you and accept you completely” kind of gift. So I bought from her wish list and things I knew would look wonderful on her. We did this shopping both together and on my own too. I wanted her to feel like a part of this (and not me just taking over) and to experience shopping for femme things etc [Seemed like a good idea at the time] I also put my foot down on “borrowing” without asking first. And I said that she had to respect my wishes when I said no when asked. We are close to size if looking at the tag but she is bigger around the shoulders and stretched out some things. :Angry3: I don’t get into her wardrobe or things. I wouldn’t just help myself to anything. To be honest it would seem odd to wear things bought special for her.
Okay to be totally honest and disclose it all I will admit we had a disagreement over photos. We had gotten a new camera and she wanted pix’s NOW. I wanted to get some of the kids and family. I haven’t had a camera in years to take any photo’s. Plus, we still have a child at home so we have to plan in advance etc I suggested we take some photo’s of the family and make arrangements for alone time to do her photo’s later. Sounded like a good idea. Wrong. She was very upset and purged. Okay. Now you know the details. Is that enough to send a woman back into the closet? :confused: I didn’t think I was being unreasonable. Am I not looking at this in the right way?
What am I missing? Should I have been a bit more reluctant to accept so he could feel like she had to talk me into accepting or tolerating CD? Is this normal? Wife or S/O is now okay with the CD-ing and wants to know and share it all and then the CD freaks out? [Well it sure seems like it to me.] Can some one shed some light on this? I admit it freely, I am clueless here. I don’t get it. Can someone help me understand this and any advise on how to make this pink elephant the middle of the living room feeling go away?

[EricaCD]

Hi Mae - no immediate answer here, except to note that nothing in your post suggests you are doing anything wrong. If I had to guess (and this is nothing more than a guess) I would say that your SO is still deeply personally conflicted about his CDing. Even now I must admit that the idea of actually revealing my fem self to my wife (knows, not interested in participating) is deeply disquieting. At this point I think I would - probably - welcome it. But even as recently as a couple years ago, when I was less OK with my crossdressing, I would not have allowed my wife to get involved even if she had wanted to do so.

IMHO many CDs fantasize about a perfectly accepting wife without fully coming to terms with the incredible vulnerability we assume by actually being en femme before the person who matters most to us. It must be infuriating to show such understanding and compassion, only to be pushed away. It is not about you, but rather about her. It's not fair to ask this of you, but you may need to be even stronger and more compassionate than you have already been, and allow your SO to come to sharing at her pace, rather than yours. Ironic, no?

Or I could be utterly mistaken. In any case, it ain't you and brava to you for your courage and perseverance. It is a beautiful thing to behold.

Erica

PS: It certainly isn't about the damn camera.

[sherri]

Well, if it doesn't work out between you two, my phone number is ...

Just kidding. :cheeky:

What is it you really want at this point? Are you saying you personally have a strong need for him to be femme, that you need that element in your relationship? Or are you just frustrated because you feel like he's leading a double life and excluding you from half of it? I can easily understand your bewilderment -- your situation baffles me too -- but I'm also trying to understand what exactly you need from him.

[Joy Carter]

He just might be over wellemed to much all at once. Myself I'm really not that proud of myself for being this way but I still feel I want to be pretty for myself nobody else. So I'm extreamly shy and embarrased about showing myself to her with the small liberties that I have taken in cd. Is that the case with your gurl ? It is a large step I know how I felt the first time that I saw myself totaly dressed I was conflicted and though I was looking at somebody else kinda gets into the core of your being. Mae just take time with her it sounds by your desciption that this has been to much at one time.

Hope this helps JOY

[dancinginthedark]

Erica,
Thanks for the POV. I am relieved it wasn't the camera. BTW I stashed her things after I retrieved them from the trash. I cleaned everything and packed all her lovely new clothes away after the purge for now. I could not bear to see them in the trash and just tossed away like that. :( I will try wait for DH to come to terms with everything. Not my strong point but I will try very hard to give both my husband and my girl some space. I miss her though.

Sherri,
In all honesty I want both. I want to share this and I have some umm needs I would like her to help me fill. Big hint I am bi-sexual. So oh yeah, I have this pressing need here. I love men. I honestly do but I do miss the softness, the sensual materials, silk on silk sliding and...well guess that is another thread isn't it?

[nikisbest]

Well there is only one thing to say to you, god your husband is lucky.
Sorry dear, but I am at a loss, my wife is very good to me, and she knows, but your hubby has it made, and dont realize it. Anyway, just wanted to say how lucky he is and how good you are.
Niki






Erica,
Thanks for the POV. I am relieved it wasn't the camera. BTW I stashed her things after I retrieved them from the trash. I cleaned everything and packed all her lovely new clothes away after the purge for now. I could not bear to see them in the trash and just tossed away like that. :( I will try wait for DH to come to terms with everything. Not my strong point but I will try very hard to give both my husband and my girl some space. I miss her though.

Sherri,
In all honesty I want both. I want to share this and I have some umm needs I would like her to help me fill. Big hint I am bi-sexual. So oh yeah, I have this pressing need here. I love men. I honestly do but I do miss the softness, the sensual materials, silk on silk sliding and...well guess that is another thread isn't it?

[Maureen Henley]

Mae,

The usual pattern is that the CD tends to rush in at the first sign of acceptance, and the SO needs to apply retraint. I think perhap, you are overwhelming her. She probably didn't expect the level of acceptrance and rapidity of your adjustment.

She may be mis-interpreting your enthusiasm for a desire to take over and "run" her crossdressing. I'm sure this is not your intent, but very often, these misunderstandings occur, even between couples who believe that they know each other well.

The only suggestion I can make is to keep it cool, and try to lead a conversation in that direction and sound her out. I would recommend against any overt actions, such as more purchases, laying out clothes, etc. Perhaps a limited photo session at most

Best wishes,

Maureen

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Mae, You got me on that one. The only thing I could possibly think is that she thinks you are trying to intrude too much. Everyone talks about the feminine mystique but never about the male one. Being a guy who is a crossdresser definately ain't easy. We wrestle with our thoughts and feelings all of the time contrary to popular belief. The pressure to be a man in today's society is tremendous and can be a real back breaker at times. Some guys crumble under the pressure and do crazy things. Others retreat from it and do what we do to find an escape. Men have the mistaken impression that women SEEM to have it easy, especially a SAH wife and mother. Nothing could be further from the truth as it is one one the hardest jobs on the planet. Some guys though possibly due to upbringing may just need their privacy. The fact that you are interested would be a godsend to someone like me because I would like a gal pal as well as a wife. It's your choice of course but try maybe backing off a little, and don't even talk about it. Just make sure the boundries are clear when it comes to your stuff. Men are "funny ducks" sometimes and as I am so well aware, sometimes solitude is the only thing they want. They don't like to discuss their feelings as openly as women do and have a hard time expressing them. That's my opinion. I wish you well and hope everything works out. Take care, Ericka

[cata]

My guess, and from my experience, we are constantly crossing back and forth, sometimes the desire is too great and overcomes the barriers, sometimes the barriers are too great and we purge and cease and desist....so you have to come to understand the signs...when the desire is there, what turns a CDer off...cata

[BeckyZ]

Stop trying so hard. You have behaved beyond wonderfully. It is your husband's move and he must come to accept his new place in his own way. Good luck.

[Jennaie]

Shame and guilt, thats all it is.

Nothing you did, she is just shamfull and feeling guilty. Just forget about it. This is not your problem, it is hers. She has to come to grips with it herself. When she does, you will be waiting. Don't suggest anything to her. Just let her be who she is.

Your a very understanding person. The only thing I can think of that might have turned her the other direction other than shame and guilt is if you laughed at her at any time, making a joke about her dressing. I don't know if you may have done this or not, but I can only assume that you did not.

Let this be her problem, not yours.

[Jenny Beth]

My guess is she isn't comfortable with herself yet and doesn't have all the answers as to why she crossdresses. There could be feelings of guilt and shame and who knows what all else and it's possible she just doesn't know how to communicate how she really feels.

[nancy58]

Mae,

I am befuddled, too, but I think it's his problem, not anything you've done. My wife knows about my CD-ing but prefers not to be involved, and I'm actually kind of self-conscious about it when it does come up. Maybe he's the same way.

I'm glad you fished her clothes out of the trash. If anyone is going to purge, the clothes that women might want really ought to go to a charity thrift shop. But I think that purging is just a short-term solution. The desire for CD-ing usually returns for most of us.

[TGMarla]

Hi Mae. I agree with the others. I'm totally at ease with myself about crossdressing. It doesn't bother me at all. But I've been in the closet my whole life. I don't know any other way. Were my wife to come and suddenly accept me, allow me to dress up, participate in it even, I'm not sure how I'd react. I might feel a bit strange about it all.

I think you need to back off some. Let him come to you. Instead, why not enjoy some of the things that got you two together in the first place? When he's ready, and realizes that he's got a real keeper in you, he'll come to you (I hope).

Thank you for sharing your perspectives with us.

[Janelle Young]

Hello Mae,

I don't think it is you or anything that you did. A past girlfriend found out about my dressing, this was while we were living together for about four years, so we knew each other pretty well. She was accepting of it and did not mind that I dressed. The first time I was 'she' in front of her, I dressed in what I thought was my best. My GF had nothing but good words about how I looked but in my mind I felt very silly about the way I looked. After that I did not want to dress in front of her because I felt that I looked silly. So here I was with a GF who did not mind and I was freaked out that I looked stupid in a dress. So after being found out by a woman who was OK with what I was, I did not want to be what I was. I felt so stupid to be dressed in front of her. It is hard to explain. She said I could dress up and I knew that I could, but I did not want to even though I did want to, if that makes any sense at all.

Fast forward to present day, about five years, and I now accept me for who and what I am. I have been a CDer for all of my life, 47 years. It has only been in the past few months that I have come to grips with that though. I think your DH is in the same place I was and with time he will come to be at the same place I am now. I wish I could tell you how long it will take for that to happen. I can not though. It is different for all of us. We all get 'there' sometime, but the journey is longer for some than for others.

This is so strange saying this to a GG that is accepting of what 'we' do but, hang in there. 'She' will come around and come to terms with what she is and then she will be comfortable around and in front of you.

For most of us here you are a dream come true and your DH will see that one day. For your sake I hope it is sooner as opposed to later, but in time it will happen. For now I can only advise you to step back and give her some room and also remind her from time to time that you love her, no matter what. Keep telling her you love her and try to talk with her as often as she is willing to. Us she's have a tendency to not want to talk or open up all of the time.

Good luck my dear and it goes with out saying that we are all here for you.

[bredalee25]

Mae, maybe she isn't as thrilled with dressing now that you know about it I know for me part of my dressing is doing it in secret ya know getting away with it behind your SO's back so to speak. Don't get me wrong if she found out and accepted my dressing i'd really be thrilled and dress more often than now which is usually when she's away or i'm away as I keep my femme things in the toolbox on my pick-up so I can dress when i'm not home. It's just a thought hope I shed a little light on this for you. ttfn

[Marissa_taylor]

Mae,
I have purged many times in the past. But after a while, I am back on ebay...spending hours shopping for another new wardrobe...hoping I can win that full sweep Olga nightgown at a reasonable price..etc..etc..
Maybe he hasn't fully come to terms with his femme identity. Whatever the reason, (shame, guilt, timidity,....) there is a very good chance he will open up to you again and want to share that side of him with you.
Hang in there, Mae!

He's lucky to have such a supportive SO.

Best wishes,
Marissa

[miche_miche]

Good evening ladies. I could really use a perspective different than my own, namely yours.

I have to tell you I don’t get it. I mean, if you told your S/O and s/he did the usual initial freak out and asked the usual twenty questions and in a short time [less than two months~ is that long??] is not only accepting but shopping and asking you to try on new outfits etc then why jump back into that lonely closet?

What am I missing? Should I have been a bit more reluctant to accept so he could feel like she had to talk me into accepting or tolerating CD? Is this normal? Wife or S/O is now okay with the CD-ing and wants to know and share it all and then the CD freaks out?

Hi Mae,

My first reaction to your post is that I'd just die of happiness if my SO were to treat me as you treat yours, that your SO is just crazy and should thank her lucky stars and just be happy. And then I remember . . .

When my SO and I first got together I was very frank about crossdressing. We dressed together as part of sex play and that was great.

One night we were with some friends, and somehow the topic of crossdressing came up. She said, very lightly, "sometimes (my name here) wears my clothes when we're alone!" I can't remember how anyone else reacted, but I know that I thought I'd die and said nothing. I tried to talk to her about it later, and she couldn't understand why I was so upset. She thought is was no big deal, that she was accepting, and that if I didn't make a big deal of it no one else would either. I just couldn't make her understand that I was TERRIFIED!

After that one incident, I never wanted to crossdress around her again, or even talk about it. That was maybe 18 years ago. I just stopped sharing, then stopped dressing, even alone. I think it hurt the sexual part of relationship, but we love each other and we're still together all these years later.

About three years ago I started crossdressing again, completely in secret, although I was talking to a therapist about it. So this is 15 years later. One day when we were getting dressed, my SO said "I think you should put my panties on." Totally out of the blue. I couldn't believe that I had heard correctly, and must have been standing there like a deer in the headlights. She said again, quite distinctly, "You should do it right now." Like your husband, I should have been grateful for the acceptance, I should have been thrilled. What actually happened is that I was totally unable to speak, I said nothing, she said nothing more, after a few moments I walked out of the room. We have never talked about it again.

The thing that overwhelmed everything else in me was terror, and I feel like I missed the opportunity to improve my life. I don't know if that's what's happening to your husband, but I know how very powerful that fear of discovery can be.

I don't know if that helps. Maybe it was just an excuse to tell my own story, I don't know. In any case, thanks for sharing yours.

Best,
miche

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Mae

You have done nothing wrong
Your DH is struggling to come to terms with your enthusiasm. I,m sure that he is scared. Accepting this so quickly has really confused you DH his mind is probably wondering how far you intend to take this. This could be the reason behind the purging. Most of us have gone through the guilt more than once and have discovered it can be expensive. Well done on retrieving the clothes.

You have to let him know you did not mean to upset him. Very few CD's ever give up completely, so I suspect you DH will start again. Tell him you love him no matter what he's wearing. I would also suggest he has a private conversation with someone here. He will then realise how lucky he is.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Sounds, honestly, selfish, self centered and narcissitic. Then again, maybe deep deep down self hate and loathing. Then again, maybe both.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

And...my guess about you're trying so hard is that there is a lack of emotional intimacy. You wish to be closer. He's all bottled up. He spilled his secret. You didn't run and hide. Thought, maybe this is what has kept him so distant. Seized the opportunity to 'join' with him in this, thinking now we'll be closer. It hasn't worked. You're frustrated and feel defeated.

That's just a hunch based on what you've said.

I'd quit beating yourself up, quit trying so hard and just flat out ask him "What is up!?"

[Eugenie]

About your initial question, it is always difficult to understand one's motivations. One possibility, in addition to the many other that have been proposed on this discussion, is that there is a part in x-dressing that depends a little bit upon the "thrill of the forbiden thing". More generally, if something is too easy to achieve part of the fun is disapearing...

But this is just one more idea to help you understand your SO's motivations. As many have said, most of us would be delighted having a wife so cooperative :happy:


Big hint I am bi-sexual. So oh yeah, I have this pressing need here. I love men. I honestly do but I do miss the softness, the sensual materials, silk on silk sliding and...well guess that is another thread isn't it?

On this point, it is not clear wheter you have spoken to your husband about that motivation of yours. While most X-dressers would just love to have a "lesbian" relation with a GG, it may be something that could either turn him on beautifully or on the contrary just frighten the hell out of him.

I hope for you two that you will find the way to enjoy eachother's and mutual happyness.

Love.

Eugenie

[Katiegirl]

dancinginthedark GG

CD's are all different and there could be a multitude of reasons for her reaction and the previous posts deal with most of them.

I have one to add - has she had a bad experience in the past and not said anything to you? I had one many years ago and it though I am mostly over it, it is still in the back of the mind.

How do you at least get her talking about it - why not show her this thread, that may be a start.

I hope you are able to sort your problems out sooner rather than later as I think you are both hurting.

:straightface:

[dancinginthedark]

He just might be over wellemed to much all at once. Myself I'm really not that proud of myself for being this way but I still feel I want to be pretty for myself nobody else. So I'm extreamly shy and embarrased about showing myself to her with the small liberties that I have taken in cd. Is that the case with your gurl ? It is a large step I know how I felt the first time that I saw myself totaly dressed I was conflicted and though I was looking at somebody else kinda gets into the core of your being. Mae just take time with her it sounds by your desciption that this has been to much at one time.

Hope this helps JOY

Joy,
I wondered the same things, was it too much all at once. To go from totally hiding to being accepted, to going over board [kid in candy store] then hiding again. I knew she had doubts and was shy at first. Seemed to be doing better with that after plenty of praise and compliments. I think the definitive “opps” I made was to ask if DH was willing to see where the CD-ing would go now that I knew. My reasoning was if DH had never explored this part fully perhaps we should let her out. To live and to play and to grow. If it was only sexual, no problem but if it was more then wasn't it good and right that this person have the space to grow too? I plan to continue to let things clam down, no notes and no more talks for now. I am hopeful that DH will want to talk again someday. In the mean time, I will just keep reading and learning and hopefully when she is ready I will not only be there but be better equipped to be there in a more meaningful way to DH. I'm still learning too. Thanks for your POV.

[dancinginthedark]

Well there is only one thing to say to you, god your husband is lucky.
Sorry dear, but I am at a loss, my wife is very good to me, and she knows, but your hubby has it made, and dont realize it. Anyway, just wanted to say how lucky he is and how good you are.
Niki

Niki,
I appreciate you sentiment and the kind words. I do. I can sense your kindness and intent. But I don't see my acceptance or behavior as “all that” or so wonderful and terrific of me to actually love my DH. IMHO I am only giving what I have gotten, love and acceptance. It isn't a conditional thing. To decide that what my DH wears rules how I see him or if I can love and accept him/her is nuts. That kind of love is just too darn conditional… Please ladies it is not something to be glorified when a GG accepts CD-ing. It should be the norm not the acceptation to the rule.

[dancinginthedark]

Mae,

The usual pattern is that the CD tends to rush in at the first sign of acceptance, and the SO needs to apply retraint. I think perhap, you are overwhelming her. She probably didn't expect the level of acceptrance and rapidity of your adjustment.

She may be mis-interpreting your enthusiasm for a desire to take over and "run" her crossdressing. I'm sure this is not your intent, but very often, these misunderstandings occur, even between couples who believe that they know each other well.

The only suggestion I can make is to keep it cool, and try to lead a conversation in that direction and sound her out. I would recommend against any overt actions, such as more purchases, laying out clothes, etc. Perhaps a limited photo session at most

Best wishes,

Maureen

Maureen,
I can definitely see your points. I didn’t want to take over the CD. I did want to share in it after DH asked me to during the initial talk and every talk after wards this notion was reinforced. I had asked how DH saw this progressing and what role [if any] I would play. I am aware for some it is a very private matter and acceptance is wanted/needed but not participation. We had some very frank talks and DH definitely wanted me to be a partner, friend and then some. I had asked if the CD would be something that only occurred infrequently and was it purely sexual etc…
I have already stopped with the hints and notes etc and decided to play it by ear until I talked with you all and got some advice. Guess for now I will try to beat DH out to the mail box and just keep my mouth shut. I have a few more items on order and they should be in the mail next week. I will just put them with the rest of the stuff I savaged after his purge. But darn I really wanted to see how those new boots would look on her. Guess I am being selfish/greedy here. ~ I will keep DH’s comfort levels more firmly in place and let DH set the pace unless I see DH beating himself up or truly miserable. I cannot ignore the CD-ing and I absolutely cannot bear to see the pain. It's a fine line between giving space to someone and leaving them in their own personal purgatory.

[Jill]

First of all, bless you for being so accepting and open with everything. Second of all, I think it's obvious that you are frustrated and you just want to be happy with your SO. We can give you advice, opinions and point of views, but I think the only person that can answer your questions for sure is your SO. Your original post was well written and very open about your feelings, my advice would be to communicate those exact feelings to him and talk about it. Ask him what he wants, he can tell you better then anyone. Good luck.

[WendyCD]

Hi

I have been in a personal and lonely funk lately, concerned that my CDing is part of, but not all of it, midlife, children growing up, job, yada yada. I am in the closet and that has isolated me for reasons not relevant to what I want to say. Reading all these wonderful posts have made me realize that my wife obviously suspects, knows. She never approved, but I sense active disapproval lately. Probably because I'm closed off emotionally - and it's not all just the xdressing, as I said.

There have been times, which are very enjoyable and non threatening, when we can connect in appeciation of things feminine - fanatastic wardrobes in alot of old movies - like Long Hot Summer, Peyton Place, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - and those are just the more well known ones. Also, my wife will bring in a stack of Glamour or Redbook and we'll go through them. But, and I prefer this, not in a way directed towards ME, but in a common interest kind of way. CDing is NEVER mentioned, but she makes it safe for us to share the admiration. Sometimes we watch "What Not To Wear" together, and it's fun.

Just her wearing nice things - silky, sexy, not cheap adult store type of clothes, sometimes vintage (from ebay) - and allowing me to enjoy it on her, is great too. Again, we don't acknowledge any CD issues, we don't have to, it's safe, and is enough for me - and SHE's the star of the show.

Just some thoughts.

Hope I said all this right. He is very lucky. Good luck. You will be fine. You sound like a wonderful person.

[Julie.]

... I never rejected him or her. I have literally made lists of what is good and wonderful about being with a CD and given them to my husband so he would be very clear on this. I love him. I accept him. It is okay. I have read until my eyes are crossed. I have reassured and flattered. ~ I have seen him fully dressed a hand full of times. She looked wonderful BTW. And yes, I said so. Several times. I have shopped till I dropped too. I encouraged him to join here and he has been here a total of One time to post and twice to read over my shoulder. I have tried laying out outfits. I have done everything except hold a gun on him and forced him to dress again. I have tried telling him flat out to wear the silk panties I bought (or any panties for that matter) every day. I even said please. I told him I would love it. No go. I talked matter of fact. I talked dirty. I made suggestions. I offered to shave his legs and do his brows. I have been pushy, I have been coy, and I have backed off. ...

Snipped a great big chunk....

Ummmm... will you marry me ?...:D :D :D

MrS

[Sarahgurl371]

Mae,

In my opinion your SO is probably withdrawing because of fear and nervousness. Fear that he / she is showing a part of himself that no one else has ever seen. Nervous about your reaction. Although your reaction has been quite frankly what most of us dream about, and you should not feel bad about yourself at all.

Back when my wife and I were still exploring this (she does not accept any of it anymore), I felt tremendous fear and apprehension when dressing in front of her. I was extrememly worried that she would see something she did not like, and obviously something that is a part of me. We wish for acceptance but at least in my case, are afraid to face the situation when it arises. But we cannot get to acceptance unless we get through those awkward and even humiliating first experiences. So much of this all for me was worry about losing my wife over this. Equally, I was worried that i might do or say something that would be detrimental to her. Such a double edged sword.

The purge thing was probably evidence that your SO is still fighting himself about all this. When times are good for me, I feel great knowing I have my "wardrobe", but as soon as that little bit of self doubt, self consciouness, self loathing kicks in, I feel that everything has to go. I think that you have done a better job of accepting than he has of his feminine side.

Take it easy on yourself, and hopefully in time the two of you will be able to talk through this.

[carol ann]

Joy, My worry would be that you have a husband who can only see his own point of view and is totally selfish.

Although my wife is aware, I have kept in the closet because i know that she cannot accept my crossdressing emotionally. Becaue I love her very much i would not wish her to have to accept undue stress and therefore sublimate my urges to the good of the whole relationship. Perhaps your husband needs to face up to this!

[SexySimone2005]

I don't see that you have done anything wrong, even with the photos. I mean all relationships are built on friendship and compromise.
If my wife was as understanding as you have been I would have been over the moon. But alas my wife likes my CD/TVing behind closed doors away from her eyes.
I have been en-femme once in front of her at a fancy dress party, I went as Posh Spice (Spice Girls) our group was suppose to go as the complete spice girls (minus Ginger of course) but the brother in law went as Scary spice and my wife and his wife chickened out. Anyways my wife thought my look was too convincing and I later found out jealousy played a bigger part as the loaned clothes I had fitted a little too perfectly.

Simone

[Dixie Darling]

Mae,

That’s a totally new one on me. I can guarantee you that if I have suddenly gained such sincere acceptance and ENCOURAGEMENT to dress (and I think most of the other CDs with no acceptance would say the same thing), I would take all precautions to safeguard and preserve it.

It IS possible, as others here have suggested, that all the sudden acceptance and enthusiasm that you’ve shown him has thrown him off guard so to speak. Maybe he thinks it’s all a “cover up” and you don’t truly feel the way you have described it to us here in the forum. I WILL agree that you’ve done the right thing by rescuing the things he’s thrown away and putting them into safekeeping for a later time. You can bet your bottom dollar that the time will come when he wishes he HADN’T discarded all his things, so just hang on to them and keep them out of his sight for the time being. Maybe when he “comes to his senses” would be a more opportune time to give them back to him a little at a time.

And BTW, I know that someone is going to ask this question sooner or later so I'll go ahead and ask it now - - Are there any more at home like you????:p

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[kathy gg]

I know you asked the cd's...but big mouth here has to reply.......

Hey girl...been reading all your posts...think you are being an awesome partner and being very loving and giving and ...well as several have stated a "dream come true".....

all I can tell you is this....it does not surprise me one bit. ...alot of these very sweet guys have hang-ups ....to list a few
Getting used to being completely honest around a partner
Getting used to being treated with respect and dignity.
Getting used to being en femme with a partner

And then of course they wonder when the hammer will fall and you will turn into the Excorsists condeming the dressing and calling them a weirdo.

So they hesitate to trust completely, they hesitate to be completely honest, and they put off dressing around you.

I can remember guys telling me when I was single that I was too accepting, my acceptance was imtimidating and made them nervous. I remember guys saying how they had dreamed of finding a girl into this, but then once talking to me, it scared them to death and would cut off all contact with me. Was I hideous, was I too "weird"????...I wondered if I was the problem.,....until I realized that it had nothing to do with 'me' and everything to do with the guy just not ready or at a point in life where he could accept this part of himself 100%.

Which is why I constantly harp on the fact that until a guy can accept who he is, a girlfriend or wives acceptance is pretty much useless.

You can't "make" him be okay with who he is. he has to be ready to embrace himself and then be ready for you to embrace him. You can't talk him into liking this side of himself...he has to want to do that. It has to come from with-in. It might require personal reflection and deep thinking and who knows what else {therapy?}.

Not even wanting to come to this forum shows alot of nervousness for what he might find....yikes..cd's who are comfortable with having this as a part of their being...and that might mean ....that he has to start dealing with who he is.

I hate to say it, but ...:titanic: :wall: ....there is only so much you can do till he is ready to start the hard work of personal acceptance and self love.

Hugs girl and I say cut and paste all these replys off for him to read.....maybe he needs to ssee this literally in black and white what a treasure you are and what he needs to do to get on the ball ....

[DonnaT]

I won't try and guess at what is going through his mind, but you did nothing wrong.

Many CDs go through cycles of dressing. Some find there is a sort of thrill or adrenaline rush to dressing in secret and worrying about getting caught.

When they get caught or find getting caught is no big deal, the thrill is gone and the desire to dress lessens.

Many CDs just go through cycles of wanting and not wanting to dress.

My suggestion is to just let it go. He knows you are accepting and you have nothing to prove.

Since he's purged (congratulations on retrieving everything, you did right) then keep an eye on your things and see if he disturbs them.

Maybe in a few days, pretend to have bought something new (an item that was purged that he might adore), waltz in with it in a shopping bag, pull it out and say "look what I bought, isn't it pretty?" Then hang it your closet and see if he disturbs it.

If he doesn't then he may be put off dressing for a little while.

If he does disturb it, then maybe he's into the thrill of hiding his CDing. If so, then he needs to start being honest with you about his feelings.

[crossing_over]

maybe i can explain that......

my mom knows i cd.....she's fine with it... has dropped me gifts here and there... such as perfume, makeup, etc....... we used to communicate in what we called the "mailbox".. it was a envelope that we would write notes to each other in to communicate but we NEVER talked face to face about it mainly because i didnt want to.... i dont know why but i am too shy to do it in front of her or talk to her about it without just writing a note to her..... like right now.... im wearing the proper lady's attire underneathe my normal clothing and have 2 shirts on at that to hide my bra straps... even though she's perfectly fine with me wearing it..... it's hard to explain but i think he's too shy and embarrassed like me.....whenever i write her a note i cry as i'm writing it because i'm so embarrassed...... hope this helps.... -Elizabeth

[Ellaine]

Niki,
I appreciate you sentiment and the kind words. I do. I can sense your kindness and intent. But I don't see my acceptance or behavior as “all that” or so wonderful and terrific of me to actually love my DH. IMHO I am only giving what I have gotten, love and acceptance. It isn't a conditional thing. To decide that what my DH wears rules how I see him or if I can love and accept him/her is nuts. That kind of love is just too darn conditional… Please ladies it is not something to be glorified when a GG accepts CD-ing. It should be the norm not the acceptation to the rule.



Hi Mae Nothing to add to the wisdom and speculation already offered, exept I have to say: that unconditional love is awesome, and "all that". :love:

[Jasmine Ellis]

Wish I had a wife like you dear. God, he's so blody lucky to have someone like you. God bless you sweetheart.........:love:

[sharifemme]

Dancing...

Welcome! Glad to have you here!

I guess I did the same thing to my wife and we have both suffered with the results ever since to a degree.

I had dealt with tremendous guilt for years before Marge heard about Shari. It's very hard to get over that. On one hand I loved the freedom she gave me to start expressing my femme side and on the other, I still had some guilt and trouble accepting limits and criticism. In the end, I think Marge got tired of trying to tread a fine line and I hesitated to continue sharing that part of me any more than I thought was comfortable for her.

I finally learned that I have to be who I am and whether I am alone or I get to be with someone I love, that will never change. I will not ever purge or attempt to stop being transgender again. ANYbody who can't deal with it has to accept it as their problem - it isn't mine any longer. Whether I present as male or female, something in between or something else, it is a part of who I am. Yes, I have male parts of my life and female ones. They do not often cross paths outside the home.

Now, I don't push myself on anybody, especially Marge. If she wants to be with the male side specifically, I do that. If Shari wants to be with her best girlfriend, she's bound to ask Marge to participate. Sometimes we agree and sometimes we don't.

Anyway, you will both have to learn to be patient with each other. Your husband hasn't been free to express his femme side for you for very long and you haven't had that long to deal with it either. I can't tell you that everything will be always peachy but if you can keep doing what you are doing, I think you both will be alright. If you could get some outside support that would be even more helpful.

Sharifemme

[Ellaine]

I can't tell you that everything will be always peachy but if you can keep doing what you are doing, I think you both will be alright. If you could get some outside support that would be even more helpful.

Sharifemme


Good point Sharri.. Perhaps something like.. " Let me know when you are ready, and we'll go to a support group meeting together..."


Best wishes anyway..posts are nuggets! :)

[Paulette]

You are really a super person and your SO is so lucky. While I would die for someone like you everyone is different. Take it slow and let it build, I would think if you talk about it in a non-confrontalial manner you will get him to open up. I would also check and see where he is on the scale of wanting to play dress up.

He could very well be questioning his manhood. Let him know that there are thousands just like him in mabny ways with the great big exception that he has you and you are excepting.

[dancinginthedark]

Shame and guilt, thats all it is.

Nothing you did, she is just shamfull and feeling guilty. Just forget about it. This is not your problem, it is hers. She has to come to grips with it herself. When she does, you will be waiting. Don't suggest anything to her. Just let her be who she is.

Your a very understanding person. The only thing I can think of that might have turned her the other direction other than shame and guilt is if you laughed at her at any time, making a joke about her dressing. I don't know if you may have done this or not, but I can only assume that you did not.

Let this be her problem, not yours.

No name calling or laughter. I was concerned I would have some negative reaction the first time I saw him become her, but it seemed so natural at the time it actually occurred. I had bought some new outfits and asked if he would like to let her try them on. DH's eyes glowed with excitement and I was invited to see. It ended up like a fashion show with lots of clothing changes so we could see how this went with that etc... then two hours later I realized he was now her. Kind of a, "Oh, so this is who she is. Okay. She is kind of shy but so darn cute." OHHHH, light bulb going off moment! :rolleyes: She is shy! Jeez, I can be so dense sometimes. This is not lthe only problem but it could be a part of it. We did talk about DH's mixed feelings and having the shame, guilt and confusion but I thought we where making some head way on those. I imagine self acceptance is not a one time kind of thing. ~ Either way, the ball is in her court. I'll wait. Thanks for your POV.

[dancinginthedark]

Snipped a great big chunk....

Ummmm... will you marry me ?...:D :D :D

MrS
MrS,
Thanks for the compliment hun, you made me giggle and I haven't done much of that lately. (((hug)))

[dancinginthedark]

Joy, My worry would be that you have a husband who can only see his own point of view and is totally selfish.

Although my wife is aware, I have kept in the closet because i know that she cannot accept my crossdressing emotionally. Becaue I love her very much i would not wish her to have to accept undue stress and therefore sublimate my urges to the good of the whole relationship. Perhaps your husband needs to face up to this!

Carol Ann,
Bless your heart for being strong enough and honest enough to say outloud what I was too ashamed to. I wondered about this and felt so awful thinking it I dismissed it. I felt like a turd just thinking something that negative but think it I did. Just seeing someone else consider this possiblity makes me feel better about myself. (((hugs)))

Although my first thought is to say I'm sorry after reading how uncomfortable the dressing makes your DW my strongest thought is how lucky your DW is that you are so compassionate and understanding of her needs.

[dancinginthedark]

I know you asked the cd's...but big mouth here has to reply.......

I can remember guys telling me when I was single that I was too accepting, my acceptance was imtimidating and made them nervous. I remember guys saying how they had dreamed of finding a girl into this, but then once talking to me, it scared them to death and would cut off all contact with me. Was I hideous, was I too "weird"????...I wondered if I was the problem.,....until I realized that it had nothing to do with 'me' and everything to do with the guy just not ready or at a point in life where he could accept this part of himself 100%.

Which is why I constantly harp on the fact that until a guy can accept who he is, a girlfriend or wives acceptance is pretty much useless.

I hate to say it, but ...:titanic: :wall: ....there is only so much you can do till he is ready to start the hard work of personal acceptance and self love.

Hugs girl and I say cut and paste all these replys off for him to read.....maybe he needs to ssee this literally in black and white what a treasure you are and what he needs to do to get on the ball ....

Kathy,
No problem with your posting, glad you did. :happy: I think you made a lot of good points that I had not considered before this. Who would? I know I never thought you could be too accepting of a loved one for being who they are. :rolleyes:

[carol ann]

Mae

I have taken the opportunity to read all your threads on this forum and now believe you are victim.

There are many and varied reasons why men crossdress - it is a compulsion - but most will stop short of doing something that will cause hurt to others.

I have only a minute or two now but will expand perhaps later, but I believe you should no longer continue accepting the sort of treatment you have described. It sounds as though your husband needs psychiatric help although I doubt he would admit it.


I believe you should tell him that he has become a person other than the one you believed you were married to and you need it sorted.

[Krissi]

I will add that with her being shy, coupled with your enthusiasm and willingness to help, a big bad fear of having to go out in the world may have gotten her. She could also be thinking that you love the girly version more than the manly one.

I have a very supportive wife as well. We've had all kinds of dress up fun (hint: she's bi curious) I have size issues that keep me from going out in public, but every Halloween she encourages me to dress up for parties and such, it just seems that family or coworkers always end up going to the same parties and I usually end up being the one to back out then.

When I give advice to CDs wanting to slowly break the news to their spouse, I tell them to start with little things, could work for you to draw her out a little. You might start pointing out outfits, at the mall or store. Simple things like, "oh look at that skirt that lady is wearing, isn't it cute!" Create a dialog, without being in a setting where it is possible to dress. Small talk like that can lead to the simple drop in, "oh that would look wonderful on me, even better on you." Another idea is to start slowly mixing in wearing some things that you normally wouldn't or don't like to, like hose and heels, things that you know she loves. A trip to the mall, or out to eat with you dressed a little tarty, and some small talk about outfits or whatever. Pique her interest without pushing her buttons. 0.02

[Krissi]

It's not what you are missing, its what she is, that little link in her head that tells her....Hey I have the perfect set up here!:bonk:

[linnea]

I agree that it is her problem, but obviously to work her "problem" out, she is going to need your continued support. I think that that means a fairly light touch--not pushing too hard or being too hurried to accept. She has struggled with identity, shame, and guilt for a long time, probably. It might need to involve some struggle to make her feel comfortable with your acceptance.
I envy her.

[Annaliese]

Mae talk to her, show her this post. I think that most are right that she has not accepted her fem self yet.

Good luck.

Anna

[FionaAlexis]

Why? Mae - beats me.

I'd think selfish, self absorbed and self centred would be well up my list. Self loathing - yes, could be - but I'm not sure I'd want to take photos of myself in that state of mind.

It is hard to the receive the acceptance of others if you don't accept yourself.

Probably best to leave him in his personal purgatory and let him sort it out.

Fiona xx

[karrisa]

You have a hidden agenda. Seems like the ideal situation for a CD: a wife who likes girls and wants you to dress like a girl. I don't know you but I doubt you'd be so accepting if you weren't bi-sexual. Perhaps in your over-ambitious drive to get him to dress up for you, you sent him the message that you'd be more attracted to him if he were en-femme. That hurt his male ego (he is a man, you know) and caused him to purge. Perhaps you should ask him instead of us.

[dancinginthedark]

You have a hidden agenda. Seems like the ideal situation for a CD: a wife who likes girls and wants you to dress like a girl. I don't know you but I doubt you'd be so accepting if you weren't bi-sexual. Perhaps in your over-ambitious drive to get him to dress up for you, you sent him the message that you'd be more attracted to him if he were en-femme. That hurt his male ego (he is a man, you know) and caused him to purge. Perhaps you should ask him instead of us.

And so do you: misdirected rage, frustration and confusion. Now run along home and let the grown-up ladies talk.

[dancinginthedark]

I have been talking with my DH (I let DH bring it up) and things are going much better. The correct answer was shame, guilt and confusion. This post and several others made an enormous difference. Especially the thread: Self Acceptance (A Beginner's Guide). A big “Thank you” for all of your replies. You helped so much. :hugs:

[Julie Avery]

This sounds to me like a totally believable story about a totally screwed up CD. I have no advice to offer.

[LucyTwitch]

Hi

Not much to add as all things have been covered.

Just like to say its his move, let him let her out slow.

Love
Lucy

[linnea]

I think that Erica is quite right about the vunerability one might feel (probably would feel) after disclosing to an SO, even a very accepting one as you seem to be. Vunerability is part of intimacy, I think, and intimacy can be pretty scary sometimes.



Hi Mae - no immediate answer here, except to note that nothing in your post suggests you are doing anything wrong. If I had to guess (and this is nothing more than a guess) I would say that your SO is still deeply personally conflicted about his CDing. Even now I must admit that the idea of actually revealing my fem self to my wife (knows, not interested in participating) is deeply disquieting. At this point I think I would - probably - welcome it. But even as recently as a couple years ago, when I was less OK with my crossdressing, I would not have allowed my wife to get involved even if she had wanted to do so.

IMHO many CDs fantasize about a perfectly accepting wife without fully coming to terms with the incredible vulnerability we assume by actually being en femme before the person who matters most to us. It must be infuriating to show such understanding and compassion, only to be pushed away. It is not about you, but rather about her. It's not fair to ask this of you, but you may need to be even stronger and more compassionate than you have already been, and allow your SO to come to sharing at her pace, rather than yours. Ironic, no?

Or I could be utterly mistaken. In any case, it ain't you and brava to you for your courage and perseverance. It is a beautiful thing to behold.

Erica

PS: It certainly isn't about the damn camera.

[lisa j]

You have a hidden agenda. Seems like the ideal situation for a CD: a wife who likes girls and wants you to dress like a girl. I don't know you but I doubt you'd be so accepting if you weren't bi-sexual. Perhaps in your over-ambitious drive to get him to dress up for you, you sent him the message that you'd be more attracted to him if he were en-femme. That hurt his male ego (he is a man, you know) and caused him to purge. Perhaps you should ask him instead of us.

I can relate to what you have said, i think i read that thread the same way you did, i believe shes more accepting because of being Bi-sexual,and maybe her hubby feels his had the rug pulled from under his feet wondering if shes approving of his cdressing for her own desires/needs,rather than seeing it as his needs for Xdressing.... ( did that make sense ) i know what i mean ! lol

Im a straight GG, that knows my boyfriend Xdresses,i have took him out shopping for clothes,he takes my clothes,and i havent got a problem with that, BUT i have said to him that i dont want to see him dressed in mini skirts,tights & heels, im not ready for that, maybe that sounds selfish and doesnt help him much, because his still at that stage of feeling ashamed and guilty with HIS SELF,
and he said he feels worse since we have been shopping, i think the fact that he doesnt know why he Xdresses to start with doesnt help matters anyway, lots of mixed feelings and confussion from both partys here..
part of me wants to see him dressed but only to see how that changes him as a person,(personality wise)after all i know what the male mode of him is like already!
but the other half of me doesnt want to see this side to him because im scared i wont see HIM as the man i fell in love with anymore... im scared of the unknown, and i know once i have crossed that line i cant turn back time again,i know women dont turn me on in a sexual way,so im scared of being put off of him dressed as a woman..so for now i do my best in meeting him half way..by just being there for him and to help buy the clothes and so on..my way of saying its OK im still here for you and still love you ...
to be honest with you, i dont think he would want me to see him dressed anyway, his too scared and frightend of rejection now since he told me he Xdresses, and doesnt want that to come between us and our relationship..
i cant even get him on here!! and being on here is what i wanted to do together so we can both learn more .....
he would rather be on ebay looking at clothes!! dont make sense to me ???
maybe one day it will who knows +?

love lisa j
xxxxxxxxxx

[MsJanessa]

Hon--if you ever decide to leave him/her, I'm available:doll:

[Lily Lyn]

Mae,

In my opinion your SO is probably withdrawing because of fear and nervousness. Fear that he / she is showing a part of himself that no one else has ever seen. Nervous about your reaction. Although your reaction has been quite frankly what most of us dream about, and you should not feel bad about yourself at all.

Back when my wife and I were still exploring this (she does not accept any of it anymore), I felt tremendous fear and apprehension when dressing in front of her. I was extrememly worried that she would see something she did not like, and obviously something that is a part of me. We wish for acceptance but at least in my case, are afraid to face the situation when it arises. But we cannot get to acceptance unless we get through those awkward and even humiliating first experiences. So much of this all for me was worry about losing my wife over this. Equally, I was worried that i might do or say something that would be detrimental to her. Such a double edged sword.

The purge thing was probably evidence that your SO is still fighting himself about all this. When times are good for me, I feel great knowing I have my "wardrobe", but as soon as that little bit of self doubt, self consciouness, self loathing kicks in, I feel that everything has to go. I think that you have done a better job of accepting than he has of his feminine side.

Take it easy on yourself, and hopefully in time the two of you will be able to talk through this.
You are so right, my wife has done a super job and I am ashamed of the way that I have behaved. I would also like to thank everyone for being so supportive of her when I had my head up my own ass and did not want to talk about it. I also want to add that yes I do love the sound that heels make on concrete, I do LOVE the sound on a hardwood floor! Gunforhire


Hi

Just her wearing nice things - silky, sexy, not cheap adult store type of clothes, sometimes vintage (from ebay) - and allowing me to enjoy it on her, is great too. Again, we don't acknowledge any CD issues, we don't have to, it's safe, and is enough for me - and SHE's the star of the show.

Just some thoughts.

Hope I said all this right. He is very lucky. Good luck. You will be fine. You sound like a wonderful person.
I love the thought that you have put into this and you are so right it is wonderful to feel the woman you love in something soft and slinky, to just run your hand over her body. Sorry I'll quit panting now. Gunforhire


Mae talk to her, show her this post. I think that most are right that she has not accepted her fem self yet.

Good luck.

Anna
I have to agree with you and I am working on it. Thanks for understanding for her. Gunforhire:bonk:


You have a hidden agenda. Seems like the ideal situation for a CD: a wife who likes girls and wants you to dress like a girl. I don't know you but I doubt you'd be so accepting if you weren't bi-sexual. Perhaps in your over-ambitious drive to get him to dress up for you, you sent him the message that you'd be more attracted to him if he were en-femme. That hurt his male ego (he is a man, you know) and caused him to purge. Perhaps you should ask him instead of us. No, sorry you are wrong. Gunforhire:tongueout


Hon--if you ever decide to leave him/her, I'm available:doll:
Please don't give her any ideas. :eek: I need her so badly and I intend to do everything I can to keep her. I just need to learn to take my head out of my ass more often and talk to her about what I am feeling. :D Gunforhire

[johnna]

I just wish you were my wife!

[janedoe311]

You probally just freaked him out, he was not ready for your to except it so easily. It is good you got his stuff. Usually when one purges they are sorry later and purchase everything again.

I do not think you did anything wrong, he just was not ready for the acceptance. Try to get close when he is not dressed, make him feel like a man! He might need that now! From now on let him bring up the subject, he will not want to talk about it for a while.

The other problem is he might be afraid you might be .... well .... going lesbian. I known that would worry me about my wife, I would rather her not like it then get into it too much. I think he is lucky to have you, so make him feel lucky that you want him as he is.
:hugs: