Is it to early to tell...

[Jacquelinecd21]

I have been dating the same SO for a while now, almost 2 1/2 years and she has been talking about marriage... She doesnt know that I like to crossdress. I have broke down and told her that I love to wear pantyhose. It took her awhile to get use to seeing me wear them around her and now she said that she is okay with it cause it is something that makes me feel the way I am. The other thing that throws a whole loop into this is that recently when talking to her she said I dont care if you wear pantyhose when ever u want I just ask that you never wear womens clothes, make up or a wig, I told her that I would like to try it sometime only when she is ready to be comfortable with it. How do I go about telling her that I am a crossdresser and this is part of my life. Since I have been doing it since a young age. My aunt has seen me dressed in one of her dresses along with pantyhose when i was around the age of 14 and I told her I love to wear womens clothes. My aunt did talk about it with me for about 6 months and was curious to find why but hasnt said much since then. I guess my question it is you think i should bring the subject back up with my aunt and then tell my girl friend?

[kittypw GG]

Jacqueline,
I can see why you feel the need to talk more to your aunt about things. I would feel the same void. You have grown up now and have a more mature outlook on yourself and the world and I can see why you would want to have an adult conversation with her about the topic. I think that you should go ahead and give her a call. As far as your girlfriend, you should tell her now. Be ready for a little shock that you have only showed her the tip of the iceberg with the wearing of the pantyhose. Make sure you have a list of expectations about how you see the crossdressing fitting into your relationship. Like you could have a list of wants. List them in order of importance. Clearly let her know which items are not negotiable and which items are. Have her make a similar list and see how they compare. Don't hold back anything from the list. If you do and it comes up later she will be angry that you did not lay it on the table in the begining. Be a good partner to her and she will eventually accept the crossdressing if you go slow and keep her feelings in mind. Good luck and keep us posted. Kitty

[Sandra]

I agree with Kitty here especially about telling your girlfriend and be as honest as you can with her and don't rush things.

Good Luck

[Lilian]

Jacqueline, I really think that you need to tell her now before you get married, it won't be easy after and if she thinks you have been keeping things from her she just might think what else don't i know, not only that how and when are you going to be able to dress. I agree with Kitty write down things you want to say then you won't forget anything. Good luck. and may it all go the way you want it, Hils GG xx

[Anita Mae GG]

Yes tell her now....I agree with the others. Don't know why you need to talk to your aunt agani. Leave that one alone......

[Jacquelinecd21]

Make sure you have a list of expectations about how you see the crossdressing fitting into your relationship. Like you could have a list of wants. List them in order of importance. Clearly let her know which items are not negotiable and which items are. Have her make a similar list and see how they compare. Don't hold back anything from the list.


What things should be on my list that I make to give to her? Should I ask my aunt if she would help me find a way to tell my SO about my crossdressing or dont bring the two together about the this.

[Kerry Owens]

Telling her now, honestly is the best decision. Also have this site for her, so she can read about what CD is, and understand better what you've said.
As I've often said, it helps knowing you are not alone. The GG forum helps me a lot.

[dancinginthedark]

Make sure you know the pro's and con's. Think, think and think some more. Please. I understand you want to do right by her but is she the kind who slips and spills information carelessly or thoughtlessly? What if she tells others? does she tell her friends everything about you already? If you aren't sure, ask her now. I know a lot of my friends talk about some very personal things and I am always amazed by that. :eek: If she is a real talker are you ready to be fully out if she talks about this to her friends and they talk about it with theirs and so on and so on? Ask yourself, is she very open minded? Her comments regarding you better not ever dress any further bothered me. I know if she is completely clueless about CD-ing that can be over come with knowledge and time but if she isn't sounding at least open when you talk in geneal terms you might want to move on. [Or you will likely never find what you want and need. I am assuming you don't want to spend the rest of life alone and lonely in that closet. ] I hate to sound so negative, I am not normally but I don't want to read a thread by you in the future about how the girl-friend spilled the beans to God and country. Ask the ladies in the MTF side about their experinces.
Make sure you are very comfortable with her having the power to out you when or if she wants to. And a seriously pissed or stupid GG can do some vivous things. [Sorry ladies but he needs to know the reality not some sugar coated version of this story. Remember the Briana thread a few weeks ago. :( ] So, now that I have horrified you please read all those threads by GG's who just found out and get a feel for how some will react. Do NOT expect her to be as willing to accept as some posts say or imply. It would be wonderful if that happened for you and she was all for it, but please go into this with your eyes wide open. You know your girl we don't.
Now if you are sure about this, let me say I agree that it is time for the talk but only if you are looking for this to move towards marriage. Just because she is making noises about getting marriage means little if you aren't ready to talk marriage too....So you have the talk, expect some anger at the very least. She will feel you lied to her in the first place and yes, you did keep it a secret too. I know and understand why you did this and hopefully in time so will she. I can’t tell you what to do as far as talking with your aunt. If you are still close and you feel safe talking with her I would if it was me. If for no other idea than practice talking with someone about your dressing. Might help you by letting you answer those endless questions and give you confidence to talk with your girl-friend. If it goes well it will be a wonderful confidence builder and give you an idea of what questions you may face. Bear in mind a girl-friend will ask much more personal questions and will likely be much more emotionally invested. [Trying to let you know to expect the worse: fears, temper, and tears but hope for the best.]
It is misleading to say “the talk” since it is ideally never one talk but several. The first talk is to let her know about your CD-ing in the first place and answer all her questions or address concerns. This will likely go one of two ways> A very lengthy talk covering many things or A brief talk lasting only moments. There is no right or wrong way. Depends on many things including how she takes this news and how you handle the whole thing too. As a matter of fact you may want to address cross dressing first as simple a topic of conversation to get a better feel of how she feels right now and what she believes to be true. Most GG’s have no idea what CD-ing really means and instantly think OMG he is gay or bi-sexual. Unfortunate, but true far too often. If she falls into this group maybe calmly say how the facts are hugely different than the myth. [You know her, I don’t so use that knowledge to know if it is smart to proceed or wait for a better time.] If she shows surprise take this as your change to tell her the facts. That the reality is most CD-ers are straight. Of course if you are bi make sure to mention some are in fact bi-sexual. That there are as many variations on CD-ing as there is of anything else. What one CD-er loves may seem like it is too limited or too far for another. Make sure to do a search and find the thread by Marla GG on how to tell your spouse you are a CD. Tons of great information and will give you several ideas on how to handle the talk. It was the “from the back of the closet” featured thread last week.
Do make a list of your wants/needs/expectations regarding incorporating CD-ing into your relationship. Like do you want her just to know and accept this but you wish to continue to do the dressing in privacy. Or do you want her to be actively involved? If so how much?
Best of luck. I think you are so wonderful and extremely brave to do this for both your girl-friend and yourself. (((hugs))) Don’t forget to look in the MTF section, lots of great threads there. Don’t be afraid to start your own. You need support and the ladies are wonderfully supportive and know the ropes. Many have been in your shoes before and undoubtly some are there right now. So take advantage of all that knowledge. Don’t go it alone. You most definately don’t have to. I do apologize for putting a damper on your enthusiasm. It is not meanness that has me saying some of these things but concern and caring.

[kathy gg]

All the gg's who have posted have given great advice. Kitty and Dancing inthedark.....great advice....

Just want to follow up as you did ask what sort of list...oh okay...since you asked

How much time do you ideally need to be dressed?
How much do you NEED her to participate? then ask yourself...
If she is not wanting to participate, can you live with just the pantyhose thing?
Do you think you ever want to shave off all yoru leg hair? if so, she needs to be aware....arm hair....underarm..I mean, these can be pretty big issues to some women.

What about going out? Do you need to go out? and if so where? how much? Are we talking one a week or every weekend or one a month or once a year? Clubs? conventions? Meetups?

What about your picutres online...right now they are headless, how much more willl you show? What about provacative photos? what about other cd's? do you like to look at pics of other cd's? what about ts's? Porn?

Sex...are you expecting her to let you be dressed? What if she says no way never ? are you cool with that? Any bi-curiosites?...shoudl figure that out now.

Friends do you need real time friends who are cd's? Couples? How much do you need to 'talk' about this.

As it seems now, alot of guys jsut want to talk abotu this, and they ant even do that. Can she at elast talk..willl that be enough for you?

Srs? Hormones?

I know these all sound liek a lot. But you need to rate what inportence if any all these separate issues are and then fine tune what you expect/like/request from her.

Alot of guys just tell their wives/girlfriends and then dont' explain what their definition of acceptance is. And I hate to say this, but guys from what I have gotten to know seem to like to raise that bar higher and higher all the time.

If you are still unsure about these issues, then start asking yourself some of these hard questions. Because all the aceptance in the world is not worth too much if you are not sure where you are in your own head.

And like Dancing said...feel her out. Rent Too Wong Foo or Boys Don't Cry. . Geez there are so many trans movies out...even Surreal life has a ts on there. You need to get more of a gauge as to where her feelings are. But I do think like Kitty said it is telling that she already said no wig or make up. So me thinks she is not in the dark about some of this stuff. Or she equates that to drag queens..when I was a newbie to this stuff that is what I used to think....there are only transexuals and drag queens...crossdresser...never knew that word till like 1994.

Anyway...some women, no matter how cool/loving/even open minded seem to draw the line when it comes to being with a cder. I dont know why...but that is a point for some.

There is a good book out there called "1000 questions to ask before you get married" shoudl be required reading for any person contemplating marriage...cd or not. Same principles ....

best of luck
















I have been dating the same SO for a while now, almost 2 1/2 years and she has been talking about marriage... She doesnt know that I like to crossdress. I have broke down and told her that I love to wear pantyhose. It took her awhile to get use to seeing me wear them around her and now she said that she is okay with it cause it is something that makes me feel the way I am. The other thing that throws a whole loop into this is that recently when talking to her she said I dont care if you wear pantyhose when ever u want I just ask that you never wear womens clothes, make up or a wig, I told her that I would like to try it sometime only when she is ready to be comfortable with it. How do I go about telling her that I am a crossdresser and this is part of my life. Since I have been doing it since a young age. My aunt has seen me dressed in one of her dresses along with pantyhose when i was around the age of 14 and I told her I love to wear womens clothes. My aunt did talk about it with me for about 6 months and was curious to find why but hasnt said much since then. I guess my question it is you think i should bring the subject back up with my aunt and then tell my girl friend?


What things should be on my list that I make to give to her? Should I ask my aunt if she would help me find a way to tell my SO about my crossdressing or dont bring the two together about the this.

[kittypw GG]

Jacqueline,
The only thing that I might add here is that your girlfriend may have said that she did not want you to wear wig or women's clothes because she was fishing to find out if the panyhose was the only thing. Like most women she is trying to read between the lines and feel you out indirectly. I can't be sure of course because I don't know her personally. Quite frankly, I was pretty in the dark about crossdressing in the begining and all you have to go on is how the media usually depicts crossdressers. They are either the gag or perverted. So of course she would not want to be involved with such a thing. That is why you need a detailed list. Kathy has provided you with some excellent suggestions. By the way Kathy that 1000 question book is good too bad I bought it after I was married.

Besides the crossdressing you need to ask yourself questions about her ability to be the partner that you want. Does she have character, is she honest, is she loving? Is she compatable with the activities you find important other than crossdressing? If you are a go out social kind of person and she is a stay at home homebody then you may not want to take a step like marriage. These are also things that are important. You really need to be compatable so don't take acceptance/tolerance of crossdressing as the green light to make such a commitment.

As far as your Aunt, I don't think that you can make any pre judgements. Call her up and start a conversation and see how it goes. If you are close and she is still understanding about your crossdressing then she may be a good resource to help you find a way to explain yourself to your girlfriend. You won't know until you have that conversation however.

Good luck, don't overthink things and be flexible about the negotiables. Kitty