View Full Version : Just told my girlfriend
jenni_xx
04-30-2006, 07:41 AM
Last Saturday morning, my girlfriend found out what I had been buying on ebay (wig, fur scarf, earrings). I denied that they were for me, saying that two girls at my work also used my ebay account. She said that this sounded suspect, and started to rib me about it. But I stood firm and denied it. Nothing else was said at the time.
The next few days I just couldn't get it out of my mind. I couldn't help but think that she knew. On tuesday, she even laughed about with me saying that we should go shopping for "some nice little dresses", and that her friend had put her wedding dress on ebay and "I might be interested". I just laughed it off. But inside I was doing somersaults. Then I decided that I just had to tell her the truth. I didn't want to, I couldn't, carry on lying to her. We spent the entire day on Wednesday together, and during the evening, I just knew that I had to tell her. But I couldn't get the words out. I struggled to find a way in which to even begin telling her that I was a transvestite. So I went to bed. She stayed up after me. But I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing. Eventually she came in to bed. I was still awake. And then it happened. I mentioned that her joking around about me being a transvestite was concerning me. Her reaction was to say that she didn't mean anything by it, but my response was to say "no, its ok. It is true.". Silence!
And then the questions started:
"What? Do you want to look like a drag queen?"
"Do you want to be a woman?"
"Do you have gay tendancies?"
I said that I don't like the drag queen look. That I wanted to look like a woman, not like a man in drag. I also said that I was happy just wearing the clothes without going the full hog (with make-up etc). I said that I don't want to be a woman, and that I don't really have any gay tendancies (I have had one gay experience in my past, but it wasn't something that I wanted to pursue). I said that I only fancied women, and that she was the only woman I wanted to be with full stop. She then asked me what clothes I like, how often I like to dress. I told her my style (see my "introduction" thread), and said that how often I wanted to dress varied. Some times it would be all the time, other times I just infrequently. We chatted for hours. At times she laughed, at times she went quiet "to let it all sink in". I let her direct the conversation at all times. Two things she said made my heart leap though. One was in response to something I said about wanting to go to a dressing service. She said that she would dress me and do my make-up. The other was that she said she still had a boyfriend, but had now gained a girlfriend (but as soon as she said this, she just laughed it off). I remember saying that when I wake up in the morning, I would wonder if it was just all a dream. Eventually, we both fell asleep.
When I left for work in the morning, her last words to me were: "It wasn't a dream".
I felt over the moon all day in work. When I got home on Thursday (she had gone home (we don't live together)), I knew that I just had to dress. All night. I felt wonderful. My mind kept on telling me that I no longer had to hide this side of me from my girlfriend. I thought about how she broad-minded she said she was, and I felt confident and excited about the "new" future we had in front of us. When I went to bed, I made the decision to put my clothes away in the wardrobe, not to hide them in a suitcase underneath my bed anymore. My clothes are still there as I am writing this.
I have spent friday night, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning with her. (She isn't here at the moment). But since our chat on Wednesday night, nothing. She hasn't broached the subject. I know that I have to give her time, but I honestly thought, given her accepting reaction the night I came clean, that she would have talked about it since. She hasn't. And I am getting worried. In the cold light of day, had she changed her mind?
Please help. I don't know what to do. I want her to bring up the subject. I don't want to force it upon her. I want her to say those magic words: "so, are you going to dress for me then?". I want her to say "let's go shopping"!!! lol. I am scared that now that I have got it all out in the open, I am only going to have to put it "back in the closet" again as far as our relationship is concerned. I do realise that all of these "I wants" are precisely that: "I wants", and I do realise that she may need time. But I want your advice. What should I do. Should I bring up the subject. Should I wait a week, two weeks? Do any of you GG's have any idea of the things that might be going through her mind? I am scared, confused, but then maybe that is precisely what she is feeling. Maybe she wants me to say something. I don't know. Am I being selfish. Please help.
Regards
jenni
xxxxxx
DonnaT
04-30-2006, 07:58 AM
Ask her if what she said, that she'd help with the makeup and all, was true. Tell her you'd really like her help if she wouldn't mind.
She's probably waiting on you, while you are waiting on her.
If she says she's not sure yet, ask her if she's talked to anyone else about transvestites. She may have brought the subject up in general discussion with a friend or two and been disillusioned. If that's the case, ask her to join the forum and in particular, the GG portion.
At least she asked questions and didn't get angry when you told her.
Good luck.
Kristen Kelly
04-30-2006, 08:03 AM
First Jenni welcome to the forum. Your situation is not uncomon from the many I've read here. Dressing is a part of you, and a SO must recognize this for you to be happy, to what degree is up to you. Dont let that late night conversation be the last. The door is already open, tell her you've had some time to think about what we have said, we have to find time to sit down and discuss it more. Don't press her to conform to your thoughts, listen and be open to her, the laughter is a way to hide don't take it as she is confortable with what she hears. Have her read the posts here and ask questions of others. Most of all give her the time and space she needs but be there for her remind her the qualities she liked when she meet you are driven by the femine side of you too. Many go into marriage in the closet if the love between you two is strong enough to work this out it will support many of the problem life throws at us, if not move on for we can mold our destiny not control it, for we do not see the big picture of our lives just one chapter at a time
Tina Dixon
04-30-2006, 08:10 AM
This happens a lot don't it, your SO finds out asks lots of questions and then goes in to a shell about the subject.
My wife found out about three weeks ago, and since that day not a word has been said about it.
Kate Simmons
04-30-2006, 08:48 AM
Hi Jenni, I'd give her flowers, a big hug and kiss (If she asks why say:'Because you're you") and take her out to dinner. Then let her make the next move. She obviously loves you and isn't going anywhere. I'd wait it out a little, then if nothing happens just do your normal femm routine to show her that you have to be yourself. BTW, I LOVE your avatar. Take care, Ericka
jenni_xx
04-30-2006, 08:50 AM
Firstly, I'd like to thank the three of you who have responded so far. To DonnaT, asking her to join the forum is a great idea, but I must admit one that scares me a little. Can't really put my finger on why. To Tina, I feel for you, for it sounds exactly the same as what I am currently going through. But especially to Kristen, your post made me cry. But in a good way. I've never had anyone say to me what you have said to me here. I have told 2 previous girlfriends, but neither were able to convey to me exactly how I feel. That is something that you have just done, and I thank you with all my heart for it. It feels so good to hear someone else say and understand exactly how I am feeling. Dressing is a part of me. It does make me happy. And what you said about how my qualities are driven by my feminine side. Just absolutely spot on. Hopefully you will all understand just what this means to me, what my feminine side means to me. Even more hopefully, my girlfriend will (eventually) understand precisely this also. Fingers crossed. You are right - the door is already open, and I feel overjoyed about this. I have no regrets telling her. I love her so much that I have to be prepared to give her all the time in the world. It just hurts. It just hurts thinking that maybe she won't be as acceptive of me as a whole based upon something that makes up a (albeit significant) part of who I am. From a selfish perspective, I can not give up this side of me. Nor do I want to. Maybe I am over-reacting, but hopefully you will understand why.
Thank you Kristen. Your post deeply deeply touched me.
xx
jenni_xx
04-30-2006, 08:52 AM
Hi Jenni, I'd give her flowers, a big hug and kiss (If she asks why say:'Because you're you") and take her out to dinner. Then let her make the next move. She obviously loves you and isn't going anywhere. I'd wait it out a little, then if nothing happens just do your normal femm routine to show her that you have to be yourself. BTW, I LOVE your avatar. Take care, Ericka
I will do exactly this. Thank you Ericka.
PS, when I went to choose my avatar, I just HAD to have this one. :cheeky:
hugs
jenni
Sedona
04-30-2006, 08:57 AM
Jenni (and Ericka),
Cute avatar by the way.
Your SO's reaction isn't too atypical I think. You'll probably find that you will interpret some of her behavior as inconsistent and sometimes contradictory.
I found this to be true with my girlfriend, whom I told about six months ago. In one week period she said, "I bought you this cute bra and panty for Valentine's Day" and a few days later added, "I will never understand why you want to shave your legs, it's bizarre, you sure you don't have gay tendencies?"
Just be patient, and if you're feeling that she doesn't want to talk (okay to ask her), just be thankful that she's afforded you the understanding that she has. Most of us are not so lucky!
Good luck!
Barb Valentine
04-30-2006, 08:58 AM
When she's ready,let her come to you,don't push the subject
You just gave her a lot of information to absorb and she has to do it at her own pace
I wish you well
Barb
Sandra
04-30-2006, 09:08 AM
Hi Jenni,
First of all good for you for getting round to telling your girlfriend.
She is probably feeling scared and confused at this moment just as you are, especially if she doesn't know anything about CDing, she could be feeling very much alone thinking she has know one to talk to about this, getting her to join here would be a big help to her.
You could broach the subject with her by asking if she has anything to say about what you have told her, but don't for heavens sake push her because believe me us GGs when pushed are very good at digging our heels in :). She will have more questions and you must be honest with your answers but don't forget to ask her what she wants as well.
I hope things go ok for you both.
Dixie Darling
04-30-2006, 09:27 AM
Jenni,
It’s very possible that your girlfriend is still trying to absorb what you’ve told her. Try to keep in mind that this is something that you’ve dealt with all your life and as such you’ve been on a constant learning curve about it. Most crossdressers become (by necessity) a “walking encyclopedia” about the subject and my guess is that you’re no exception to this. On the other hand, to a newly informed girlfriend/wife it’s all brand new information. Most of them think a TV or a CD is an electronic component and are surprised to find that they have a totally different meaning I the TG world.
If she hasn’t figured it out already, hopefully she will come to realize that crossdressing is a NEED – yes, that’s right, I said a NEED – that many men are born with. Theories abound as to what the root cause of this need is, but the medical community has yet to determine anything definite. Furthermore, since the activity itself poses no health threat it’s a low item on the totem pole for research. It’s not even considered to be a mental illness or an abnormal behavior any longer.
It might be important here to keep in mind that the only real fears one has is the fear of the unknown. So it’s also very possible that your girlfriend is quietly researching the subject on her own and educating herself about it. Hopefully she’s savvy enough to overlook all the web sites and media information that paints a false picture of what a heterosexual crossdresser actually is. If she’s broad-minded as you say she is, and is looking at some reliable information that “tells it like it is” she will eventually bring the subject up again.
Please do keep us posted on any further progress and if you can get her to do so, have her take a look at the material on my web site. A lot of her questions may very well be answered there.
Dixie Darling - http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd
lisa j
04-30-2006, 09:49 AM
Afternoon all. x .
Jenny love, i was only told last night by my boyfriend that his a CD,
i did have an idea already before he told me though,and took the first step to find out more about it by myself - the road i took brought me to here and you!
ive never done so much reading before in my life!lol
what you have to remember is that YOU have known a whole lot longer about yourself than any of us girlfriends, you have had time to learn and explore your most inner thoughts,fears and desires... we are just learning that about you now.. and need to learn about ourselfs aswell as you now.
you have changed our normal every day life and put this unknown way of life infront of us that we need to figure out ourselfs in our own head and time...
theres mixed feelings and emotions we feel right now, i too laughed,joked WITH my boyfriend last night- then he said with a laugh" do you want to see me dressed up" i said god nooooo :eek: NOT YET ! i only found out just now! and you have had years of seeing and knowing this - give me time, dont push me in the deep end just yet i cant swim! lol
maybe its best for you to phone her up and talk over the phone to her,
i asked my boyfriend why didnt he tell me last week when he was with me? ( we dont live together yet)!
he said he was too embarrassed to say it face to face and didnt know what my reactions would be, but he didnt mind talking about it last night over the phone, i admire him for it and im touched he did,as im the 1st person his ever told..he was great like you - he answered all my questioned i threw at him and that made me feel touched to the heart cos he was honest enough to answer them for me,i believe that helping us to understand about you helps you to understand yourself too ... working together as a team is so much easier than trying to do it alone.
i was honest and open to him aswell last night, i have told him that i come on here and have spoken to other cdressers- to help ME understand more..
and that i needed to learn more before i could open up and talk to him first...he was more than ok about it and didnt see it as going behind his back.
so please give your girlfriend time, dont rush her, she needs to find her own way of understanding this big change in her and your life together,
remember rome wasnt built in a day love! ;)
Hope all goes well for you both- dont forget give her a call and ask her if shes ok, and take it from there ..
Love Lisa J
xxxxxxxxxxxx
Kate Simmons
04-30-2006, 10:44 AM
Jenni, I think it's neat. Us blonde bimbos are multiplying (LOL). Actually, I chose this one because it shows style and just a little attitude but it's only temporary until I can get my real mug shot up there. Just so it ain't a morning picture. I usually look like some kind of zombie when I wake up, especially if I wore curlers to bed. Keep in touch Hon and let me know how things work out. Take care, Ericka
osteph
05-01-2006, 08:15 AM
Dear Jenni,
I just loved the tenor of both your introduction and your story of coming out to your girlfriend,
You sound like a nice person and I am sure she is so I genuinely hope that things work out.
I cannot really add to or better the advice given you by both DonnaT and Ericka above.
Time and honesty are the only things that I would recommend - honesty with yourself and with your girlfriend.
I hope that you will let us know how things develop and perhaps you can get your girlfriend to share her thoughts and feelings at some stage too.
I really wish you both well.
osteph
Joy Carter
05-01-2006, 08:32 AM
Jenni every time I read one of you gurls comming out O think of you and myself to . We are still not talking about it she just can't find the words or express them. Only recently have I accepted myself as CD I want so much to be accepted by her and I know the importance of going slow. It's juts been a long time since she knew and nothing has changed. Hope my little story has helped some take care Jenni.
sharifemme
05-01-2006, 08:51 AM
Erica...
Good Idea and subtle enough to let her know you care about her without beating her over the head with the transgender bat!
Maybe take her shopping and buy her a nice blouse or skirt. I'd almost bet she'd want to do the same for you.
Sharifemme
Hi Jenni, I'd give her flowers, a big hug and kiss (If she asks why say:'Because you're you") and take her out to dinner. Then let her make the next move. She obviously loves you and isn't going anywhere. I'd wait it out a little, then if nothing happens just do your normal femm routine to show her that you have to be yourself. BTW, I LOVE your avatar. Take care, Ericka
livy_m_b
05-01-2006, 09:29 AM
This happens a lot don't it, your SO finds out asks lots of questions and then goes in to a shell about the subject.
My wife found out about three weeks ago, and since that day not a word has been said about it.
As Donna said above, a lot of times each is waiting on the other. The key is do it while you're calm and not in a heightened or frustrated state so that you can discuss it rationally. Sometimes that means assessing your own mood and deciding if you're in a state for a productive discussion. Girls tend to talk, talk, talk so don't start talking under conditions when you might start reacting, reacting, reacting! :)
Olivia
Olivia
Shelly Preston
05-01-2006, 09:41 AM
Hi Jenni
Dont rush give her time to digest the information
It may come up in conversation if your on ebay as this was how it all started.
I just want to wish you the best of luck
loulou
05-03-2006, 09:36 AM
hi jenni,
well done on telling your girl friend. although i am a wife of a CDer i can undestand how difficult it is to tell your other half. i have to say your girl friend is lucky you told her face to face, my SO told me on the phone by accident when drunk!!
if your girlfriend felt / feels anything like me shock is the 1st emotion felt. i thought i was going to be sick ( not disgusted but nervous sickness). i too asked all the questions are you gay? do you want to be a woman? how long has it been going on? do you fancy me? etc.
4 months on i am dealing with it a lot better, although not fast enough for my SO, i felt like i'd been lied to, and that this wasnt the person i used to know. i felt like my SO was a stranger to me.
at the moment to emotions i feel are that i am not needed in the relationship, that cindy has taken my place and there is no room for me. i feel like he turns to cindy for comfort and support, its almost like having a 3rd person in the relationship but that person i dont see ( and i cant see until i decide i can handle it best for both of us).
you should tell your girlfriend to join the forum too, i have to be honest and say that everyone who answered my questions was brilliant, i felt like i wasnt alone and that other people had got through it so so can i. my SO was willing to throw our marrigae away over this but i am not and even more so after everything everyone has said on the forum.
i felt so alone, my SO asked me not to discuss with our friends or family, so who did that leave me? then i found this website and all the girls here have been wonderful. my SO will be joining too when he gets internet at his apartment.
tell her you love her and are still the same person, you will always be there for her and you will respect her as a person and give her all the time she needs. time is the major thing her and she will come to accept you over time.
well good luck and i truly hope everything works out well for you
loulou.
Cheryl J
05-04-2006, 12:36 AM
Just told your girlfriend ! Well good luck!
I just told my girlfriend once ( a long time ago ) and she was a little surprised but didn't pursue the issue then.
I thought my luck was in. An understanding GF. Great!
Move on a few years. Now married not a lot said so I reminded my, now, wife of my hopes and desires. Not so rosy now !
"I thought you'd grow out of it" she said. "No chance" I said
Well since then I've dressed in private any time I get to be alone. SHE knows but wants none of it. I want to share my wonderful feelings when dressed.
Now my wife has given up work and is home 24/7. What is a girl to do!
Maybe it is time to move on and have the life I want.
Selfish???
At least I told her before we were married .
unclejoann
05-04-2006, 07:46 PM
I think you should just start wearing panties under your drab clothes. She will get used to seeing them and if she is truly going to accept your crossdressing then this will prove it to you (and her).
DonnaT
05-05-2006, 10:39 AM
I just told my girlfriend once ( a long time ago ) ... now, wife ....
"I thought you'd grow out of it" she said. "No chance" I said
Well since then I've dressed in private any time I get to be alone. SHE knows but wants none of it. I want to share my wonderful feelings when dressed.
Now my wife has given up work and is home 24/7. What is a girl to do!
Maybe it is time to move on and have the life I want.
Selfish???
At least I told her before we were married .
Well Cheryl, I never advocate moving out and moving on. I suggest you start easing into dressing in front of her. She'll either get use to it or not. But let her decide whether she can stay with you or not. Give her a chance. You've nothing to lose, since you are thinking of moving on anyway.
Delila
05-05-2006, 11:18 AM
When I told my wife she had similar reaction I let it drop for a while but then made sure that we had an understanding before we got married. My advice is to let it rest if you need to but dont let it get to the point where you are always waiting because you may someday end up regretting it later like alot of other people that I have seen on here.
thwaiter
05-05-2006, 11:38 AM
hi all,
The other week I told my parents about myself wearing pantyhose, tights, and recently starting to paint my nails and although my mum was a little surprised and shocked, my father had an inkling about it. However, they still love me the same and I am thankful for that. That's just my thoughts and if you'd like to ask me anything feel free to send me a message.
Cheery GG
05-05-2006, 12:39 PM
Hi Jenni, and welcome to the forum.
I noticed one thing from your inital post on here.....in your last paragraph you said....'i want' quite a few times.
I would assume that up to this conversatin when you came out, thats this was all a secret and no one knew. I imagine you feel great relief. However...now there are two of you to consider.....saying 'i want' just doesnt cut it anymore....
You may want her to accept...you may want her to broach the subject, you may want her to buy you girly clothes.....although she hasnt thrown your clothes on the lawn and buried your cat , doesnt mean she isnt a bit confused, she probably she millions of questions....and i think the ball is in your court.....your an adult...its not her repsonsiblity to ask the questions....you have put this on her, now be brave and carry it through....
You could mention this forum....dont necessarily show her or anything, just mention that there are others in her situation that can offer support if she wants it.
As for her varying degrees of acceptance....one day she might tell you your a fruit cake, the next she might ask you to where your bra to bed, then she tell you your weird again...but thats ok, its nothing persinal to you....give her time...and if she asks questions answer them honestly.....
Come on BE A MAN .....bring the subject up again, i think you'll find she will participate in covnersation....and if not thats fine too, let her know you can talk whenever shes ready.....
Shes a brave and special lady, just remember that.....
cheery
xx
SoCalSuziCD
05-05-2006, 10:07 PM
I had exactally same experience with my g/f and the result is she accepted it. It just took time! She will probably accept you.
Jenn2716
05-05-2006, 10:14 PM
Congrats on things so far. I was a nervous wreck the first time I dressed completley enfemme in front of my wife. Take it slow, and make sure that you both talk openly about how you feel as things progress. Though it looks like things are working out well so far.
Lilith Moon
05-06-2006, 08:16 AM
Well Cheryl, I never advocate moving out and moving on. I suggest you start easing into dressing in front of her. She'll either get use to it or not. But let her decide whether she can stay with you or not. Give her a chance. You've nothing to lose, since you are thinking of moving on anyway.
Donna,
I don't want to hijack this thread with my situation and "moving out and moving on" is certainly not in my own plans right now. But what you said is so obvious I can't understand why I didn't think of it. Thanks for pointing it out.
windycissy
05-06-2006, 12:54 PM
Jenni, You have such a beautiful opportunity, don't blow it by being timid! Why not tell her how much you appreciate how cool she was when you told her about your crossdressing...and if she doesn't take the bait and ask you to dress up for her, try saying "aren't you a little curious about how I'd look as a girl?" If she doesn't respond positively, then you know she doesn't want to go there with you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Ask Windy (http://snurl.com/askwindy)
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