Just told by boyfriend...Hurt/Confused.

[Newbie]

Help! My boyfriend of 5 years -- to whom I've been engaged for three years -- just told me he's a CD.

We have not had sex for a little more than 3 years, despite my efforts to turn him on with sexy negligies, porn, sex toys.. telling him my fantasies and asking him -- nearly begging him -- to tell me his. He was always tight-lipped and unresponsive. Over the last couple of sexless years, we'd kiss, then he'd pull away from me. We tried couples therapy; I would ask him gently why he wasn't interested in sex anymore. I was very patient. He was also sleeping in a different bedroom (he snores anyhow) and we didn't see much of each other or spend much quality time. Drifting apart.

Then, finally -- with our wedding date four months away -- I said, if we don't talk about why we're not having sex, or unless we can begin to be intimate again, then we are through. He said, okay, we can talk...but I need some time. So, I gave him time.

A few days later, he said he was keepign this secret from me, and that being a CD was somethign he wanted to deny and bury...but he felt so guilty about keeping this a secret from me that he thought it was keeping us from being intimate.

Meanwhile, it's not a big deal to me. But lying and not giving us a chance to work things out is very big. I am so angry that he waited so long to tell me, while I was desperately trying to revive our relationship... all in vain. I am hurt, humiliated, and I feel I wasted so much time and energy in a relationship where my partner couldn't be open with me.

And, I wonder - so now that he has told me, could we be intimate? I have my own fantasies, and I don't want to deny them...

How is the sex life of wives/girlfriends with their CD boyfriends?

We are talking a lot about how we can move forward. But I am so hurt and not feeling so sexually interested in him anymore. Can anyone relate?

[Anita Mae GG]

Hi Newbie,

I can relate to your dilemma. I have been there. I found out on accident though. I found websites for meeting t-girls in Philadelphia (where he was going on business) I was shocked and hurt. I thought he was going and looking to cheat on me with a t-girl. Not the case but still was devasted at the time. I knew for 4 years he liked panties, no biggie. I didn't find out about how deep this goes until I caught the internet stuff. We talked and I understood it was part of his genetic makeup. I also read and still am reading things to educate myself. This incident happened in Nov of 05. So not that long ago.

First try and understand that they are afraid that telling you /us that they may be rejected by the one person they love the most. They have lived in fear most of their lives with this "secret" and may feel ashamed and afraid you will not understand. While a lot of wives/GF don't understand, there are those that are willing to try anyway.

Sex life is same if not better since I found out. It depends on the person really. Some don't want their SO bringing it into the bedroom. I don't mind. I think it spices things up a bit once in a while. We don't incorporate that all the time.

You two need to sit down and talk about everything and figure out where your comfort level is in regards to his cding. Everyone is different. Some know but don't want to see their SO dressed, others participate etc. As far as the bedroom goes you need to talk about that too and see where you can go with that. He may not be ready for you to see him dressed etc. I know I have only seen mine fully dressed (makeup, heels etc) once in March and that was the last time he dressed. Every CDer is different. Find a comfy level for BOTH of you and work it out that way.

Just remember, he could be and most likely is dealing with years of fear and rejection and shame, ......talk, go slow and find a common pace to move at. You don't want to rush each other into anything that you both aren't ready for.

Good Luck, I think you'll be fine :happy:

[dancinginthedark]

Newbie,
I know this is all new and it is confussing and scary. Come back often and ask any and all questions or just vent.

I agree with Tammy Marie. The only thing I would add is to do a search on the MTF side for threads from other GG’s who found out (or were told recently). There are also threads on being caught, the fear of being caught and the thoughts that go with telling and how to go about telling. In other words, as Tammy's post shows there are always two sides to this. Yours and your S/O's.

With understanding comes acceptance and compassion. :rose2:

[purple_spider GG]

Hi hon
It does get easier and you will soon get used to it. The sex life of transgender person depends on the individual and how high their sex drive is normally. It also depends on their mental state and if they are depressed then they will have lower libidos but this means that if your partner has told you about herself now she can probably feel happier that the burden of secrecy is lifted, so you may see it improve.

From my experience my ex was transsexual and she had a pretty high sex drive when I was with her, even when she was transitioning and taking hormones, and when she was not able to obtain an erection anymore she was happy to indulge in other forms of sex-play. My current partner Louise is transgenderist and lives full time as a woman but she is not transitioning, however she also suffers from depression so her sex drive is not high at all. She tells me she has never had a high sex drive but this is compounded by depression usually. We have sex probably once every six months if I am lucky which does make it frustrating for me because I have a higher sex drive.

I think that the important thing is that you talk to your partner about how you feel and give yourself time to come to terms with what you have been told. You need to talk to her about what she intends to do and how far she wants to take things. It is really important because you are about to get married and you should be entering into this future together without secrets. You have the right to know what you are getting into here especially now four months before the big day. The other considerations are if you have children and how you would feel about your husband cding in front of the children? Would you want them to know? Would you be happy for other people you know to be aware of your husband's transgender?

The sex could be just related, as I said before, to her feeling depressed and struggling with how she was going to tell you about herself. If things do not improve then you need to go back into couples therapy. If it is that she just has a low sex drive then perhaps this is not something that will change.


I hope that you are able to work through all this and good luck for your wedding day.

Hugs
debs
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[kathy gg]

Okay.....welcome to the forum. I don't know how else to say this but...I will say it anyway....

what you need to begin to ask yourself is can you be happy with someone who has such a non-exsistent need for sex and intimacy?

Yes Yes realtionships are about many things, sex is not the center of it all....but sex/intimacy are important. And when people become nothing more than best friends/roommates that can be a HUGE problem. Unless you are the type of female who really has no need or want or time for sex. ANd if so that is okay, I know there are women out there who are content if they have sex once a year. BUT>>>>...if you are not one of those women, then if he has been able to not be sexual with you for three years that is a BIG BIG problem. A girl needs some lovin!


I am not saying dont' marry this guy. And I do understand the trust issue ticking you off. You have every right to be ticked, espically since you have been such a cheerleader in trying to figure out what to do to spice up his libido.

But Tammy is right though, these guys never expect acceptance What they expect is repulsion and non acceptance and many will choose hiding/lying/concealing ANYDAY over confronting their truth. I think telling and sharing this with a spouse/girlfriend also opens {for many} a whole new can of worms that many are not ready to talk about or confront. Because being open/honest/ and communicating requires alot of patience and work and effort. And alot of guys will keep the status quo, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness and not being honest with the woman they claim to love. I mean making this a healthy and non-obsessive and "normal" thing does not come naturally. It requires compromise, negotiation, and just revealing one's inner self to a partner. It is scary and there is no guide nor manuel to help you along. And even if there was, one size does not fit all as we learn every day.

So yeah, what guy wants to choose that hard road? Look around on this list at all the guys who did not tell when they got married, look at all the guys who even armed with our information age choose not to tell....it is hard work to be this honest and open 24/7 with your loved one. Secrecy will always win for most. And considering all the horror stories about guys coming out to their wives or girlfriends breaking up with them....it is a gamble most are not willing to play.

So back to the sex.....I think you need to do some hard thinking about this no sex stuff. I think I would have been out of there at the three month mark, never mind three year mark. I'll give you this lady, you got guts! And patience.

You actually are holding the winning cards in your hand. But you are new, you don't know how to play them. Keep reading this forum, start asking him questions in a gentle probing manner. How much does he dress? What does he envision your role in this now that you know? What is his idea situation? Find out what he is looking for in all this, then decide how much you are willing to be a part of. You dont' have to do anything you are not comfortable with. Remember you hold the cards....Once you know what his needs are and what he would like to see happen then you can decide ,.....but you can't read his mind....get him to talk. Then get back to us.

Good luck!




Help! My boyfriend of 5 years -- to whom I've been engaged for three years -- just told me he's a CD.

We have not had sex for a little more than 3 years, despite my efforts to turn him on with sexy negligies, porn, sex toys.. telling him my fantasies and asking him -- nearly begging him -- to tell me his. He was always tight-lipped and unresponsive. Over the last couple of sexless years, we'd kiss, then he'd pull away from me. We tried couples therapy; I would ask him gently why he wasn't interested in sex anymore. I was very patient. He was also sleeping in a different bedroom (he snores anyhow) and we didn't see much of each other or spend much quality time. Drifting apart.

Then, finally -- with our wedding date four months away -- I said, if we don't talk about why we're not having sex, or unless we can begin to be intimate again, then we are through. He said, okay, we can talk...but I need some time. So, I gave him time.

A few days later, he said he was keepign this secret from me, and that being a CD was somethign he wanted to deny and bury...but he felt so guilty about keeping this a secret from me that he thought it was keeping us from being intimate.

Meanwhile, it's not a big deal to me. But lying and not giving us a chance to work things out is very big. I am so angry that he waited so long to tell me, while I was desperately trying to revive our relationship... all in vain. I am hurt, humiliated, and I feel I wasted so much time and energy in a relationship where my partner couldn't be open with me.

And, I wonder - so now that he has told me, could we be intimate? I have my own fantasies, and I don't want to deny them...

How is the sex life of wives/girlfriends with their CD boyfriends?

We are talking a lot about how we can move forward. But I am so hurt and not feeling so sexually interested in him anymore. Can anyone relate?