Trust. Can it ever be re-gained?

[Roberta-Jane]

In all our discussions and rows about my crosdressing, my DW always harks back to what she calls the deceit of the last 20 years. She knew when we got married that I was a cd. She re-found out a year ago and since then we have been along the usual rollercoaster ride of hell and utopia. Currently we are nursing wounds from the last major blow-up.

I love her dearly but she says that she hates the fact that I had a secret for so long and can never really trust me again. We had started to rebuild and then 6 months ago I stupidly visited some she-male sites mainly out of curiosity and this really blew it. I guess after 40 yrs of self-loathing I was like a kid with a new toy and curiosity got the cat. However we recovered from that and were on the way to a better relationship when recently she told me that she had changed her mind and from now on could never trust me again.

How do you GG's feel. Do you trust your SO's and can I ever re-build that trust again? I am so desperate to make her believe that she can trust me. I don't believe that I have ever kept any other thing of major import from her apart from the cding and she knows that that was only because of the normal shame that we guys feel.

I am desperate to re-build that trust. I wish I could express myself better to her and to you but would appreciate your comments and feelings.


Regards



Roberta-Jane

[kathy gg]

Hi RJ

I don't know if you remember me, I remember you though. The old Parsimony forum...anyway...good to see you around here.

Anyway, can't answer your question from a 'ben there done that way"....as I did not have that situation....

but generally speaking I think trust is something that in many cases is something we sort of have as a given when first getting involved in marriage, I mean "love" in itself is a very big show of trust...right..you trust someone with your heart and you also want to believe you have been trusted with theirs....following me so far.?....but then years later you find out that you were not trusted with all their heart...that they held back about 10% of it and kept it. What it shows her is you did not totally give your heart and trust, even though 'she' thought she had it all. And that my freind is a sad feeling to discover. She gave herself to you completely (I assume) yet she was not worthy of you giving her your full self.

How can one then NOT wonder if maybe that 10% held back all those years is not actually 20% or even more? How can a person face the reality that they were not worthy of your full trust? It is a stab to the heart.

RJ, I don't know if there is one thing, or many things that can get things back to the way they were before. I would suggest couples counseling and maybe also some for you personally to get over this shame/guilt. I mean looking at the chain of events, you might do some other blunder in another 6 months from now if you can't get a grip on what exactly you are looking for. I mean, looking up porn, not uncommon among married guys...but she-male porn....um...not what a married hetrosexual female likes to know her guy is cruising for.

Good luck and maybe you should point blank ask her what it will take for her to trust you. If she does not have some idea or envisions that happening then I believe that is the final answer to your question.

Sorry..not every story has a happy ending.




In all our discussions and rows about my crosdressing, my DW always harks back to what she calls the deceit of the last 20 years. She knew when we got married that I was a cd. She re-found out a year ago and since then we have been along the usual rollercoaster ride of hell and utopia. Currently we are nursing wounds from the last major blow-up.

I love her dearly but she says that she hates the fact that I had a secret for so long and can never really trust me again. We had started to rebuild and then 6 months ago I stupidly visited some she-male sites mainly out of curiosity and this really blew it. I guess after 40 yrs of self-loathing I was like a kid with a new toy and curiosity got the cat. However we recovered from that and were on the way to a better relationship when recently she told me that she had changed her mind and from now on could never trust me again.

How do you GG's feel. Do you trust your SO's and can I ever re-build that trust again? I am so desperate to make her believe that she can trust me. I don't believe that I have ever kept any other thing of major import from her apart from the cding and she knows that that was only because of the normal shame that we guys feel.

I am desperate to re-build that trust. I wish I could express myself better to her and to you but would appreciate your comments and feelings.


Regards



Roberta-Jane

[Roberta-Jane]

For your honest reply as much as I didn't like reading it.

In my mind things have changed much. My love for my wife grows more as time passes. I want to be with her always. I have settled down to a sensible outlook after the 'child with a new toy phase', I just wish i could make her understand that.

I agree that from her point of view I did not give my all and I deeply regret not having the courage to trust her all these years but you have heard many times about the whys of the secrecy.

I am committed to changing my behaviour to do my best to never shame her or me again.

Thanks again for your reply

Roberta-Jane

[buttercup GG]

I trust my husband with my life and he has trusted me with his. I first found out about his CDing when we had been together almost a year and within that 1st year I always found things that would make me not want to trust him and when he did come clean with me it all fell into place. I have learned that in order for me to continue in the relationship that I value more than anything in the world you have to forgive the past and move on to a wonderful future and the word acceptance needs to be one that is used freely and openly. I know that my husband loves me I have no doubt about that., but I also know that CDing will be a part of our lives forever so I go on trusting him and being there for him.

I hope that your wife will learn to trust you again and that you enjoy a long and loving life with her
Buttercup

[Cheery GG]

I feel that trust is something that keeps the relationship together...being open, honest and talking....is all part of it.

I dont mean to slag anyone off here, but i do feel that you reep what you sow...in othre words how many more chances can this woman give you to be honest with her....you say you start to rebuild things, then you go looking at porn....

You need to start thinking about who you respect.....as to me there seems to be non of this in your relationship at all.....

Sorry to be so blunt....and i dont mean to offend.....but you asked for opinions....

cheery
x

[Sandra]

We had started to rebuild and then 6 months ago I stupidly visited some she-male sites mainly out of curiosity and this really blew it.
Roberta-Jane


I personally think trust has to be earned, and this isn't earning trust, sorry but thats my opinion.