My Wife is Driving Me Nuts!!!

[janelle]

Hi Ladies, 1st off, sorry Tammi dear about your troubles, your in my thoughts & prayers.
Now why i write, my wife has known for along time of my wishes & up until last Oct. when we talked & i said i want her to see & be able to be relaxed about it, she was ok. Now that she knows that i shop(both ways for my girlly things), she sits on the fence. One day she is perfectly fine with it & gives advice. Yet anywheres down the road she says she doesn't want to know anything about it, yet if i go shopping i get the 5th degree. She has talked in the past that her & i go out, now she says she never will. I know she has been talking to our counseling pastor & i think that is when all her changes came.
I know as women we change our minds but her whole tone has changed. I almost feel i need to be put back in the closet or get sercetative about what i do. That i don't want to do as we have never hid anything but i don't have many choices. Put all this on top of me wanting my male side fully gone since the 19th of last month, & her changing, i am now beating myself up. I call myself a freak, & alot of unladylike things as well. I'm sure you get the picture, so what do i do? Do i give her more to read from here? I have given the site to her so she can come her on her own but i guess she has not.
Guess i am just looking for a sounding board as i bet she will never accept the facts about the way i feel.
Thats for reading the ramblings of a half baked woman,hehehe. Hope you all have a great weekend.
Take care dears,
Janelle

[Julie York]

The key to your problems lies with the phrase "Councelling pastor". I suggest that you go and see him and find out first hand what poison he has been feeding her. Then all will become clear.

Good luck.

[janelle]

Hi Julie, i'm sure he is telling her the scriptsur where it says men should not wear ladies thing & women should not wear mens.
I believe myself that that meant the special garments that pastors wear or the practices that the jews had back when(b4) Jesus was here. Its just very hard to handle, Thanks dear.
Janelle

[DonnaT]

Sorry to hear that Janelle.

I do know that I've ridden a similar rollar-coaster, but I've been lucky in that when my wife found she need to talk to someone, it was a qualified therapist, not a preacher, thus there was none of the 'sinning' stuff.

All you can do is keep talking, give her more information and tell her you are definitely not going back into the closet. That's what I've done. How long that will last, I have no idea, but I made up my mind last year that if she really needs to move on for her own peace of mind, then I'll not stop her other than try and talk her out of it. Meaning that I won't quit, won't go back in the closet, but will remind her that whatever she chooses to do, I'll still love her. The balls in her court now, and I've come to grips with that.

As for your comment about your wanting your male side fully gone since the 19th of last month, was it a sudden change in the way you feel about yourself, did the way your wife has been acting enfluence your decision, have you had these desires for a while but only surpressed them for the sake of your marriage?

You might want to find a qualified gender therapist and talk more about it.

http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/deut22v5.html

http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/tgfgnl.html

[Breanne]

The key to your problems lies with the phrase "Councelling pastor". I suggest that you go and see him and find out first hand what poison he has been feeding her. Then all will become clear.

Good luck.
I suspect you are right Julie, but perhaps a bit too judgmental. I would rephrase your comment to say "the key may lie with the phrase . . ." and then "find out first if he has been feeding her poison..." Then all will be more clear.

[Tina Dixon]

I don't really know here my self, my wife found out about a month ago and still has not said any thing since that day so I still hide my stuff, and im sure the counseling pastor filled her with a bunch of crap:Angry3:

[ColleenCD]

Janelle,

My 2 cents. I have to be careful with my wife that I not loose sight of the fact she is with me for the young man, father, husband, provider, and lover that I signed up for. She puts up with my CDing in favor of the rest of me.

Your wife's needs may be tied to your decision on the 19th of last month that appears to have a long term bearing on your relationship. She could be sensing this change and standing her ground to keep your male side.

OK that's 3 cents worth.

Colleen

[janelle]

Hi Donna. I have had these feelings off & on, but as of the 19 th they were very strong. The only reason i could come up with is how comfortable i feel when i am Janelle. I give my wife my male attension & try to make her feel needed, wanted & most important the center of my life. She has at times told me to back off with it.
Todays a good idea of what i mean. Got up showered, put on bra,panties, knee highs, jeans, & a top. Put some foundation on & earrings, perfume too, & off i went. I bought some shoes that i tryed on, 2 pair of capri pants, & 2 pair of shorts, all were tryed on. I then went to VS & bought some panties & breast enhancers & the special promo they had going, A purse with some things in it, again with my basic male face. I then went into Marshell Fields asked if i could come in two weeks from today for a make over(told yes) & went & bought a half slip. All this i did & if questioned i said it was for me.
This just feels so natural. Sorry i guess i got excited, you know how us girls like to talk, hehe.
If you need more info(anyone) PM me. Thanks again, take care girls.
Love Janelle

[Cathe TV]

Hi Julie, i'm sure he is telling her the scriptsur where it says men should not wear ladies thing & women should not wear mens.
Janelle

So we can reasonably assume that your wife never, ever wears slacks or pants of any kind? Has her preacher counselor asked her about that?

[KimberlyS]

Janelle, Oh I do feel for you as I have already been through this several years ago. And my wife followed with a statement similar to that we needed to see a counselor to save our marriage and she already had references to several. I said I would go to a counselor as long as they had gender experience. Because from the look in her eye it was this or walk. Well to find out they were counselors housed with in a seminary school. I thought ok it was worth a try. But after meeting one, I found the guy did not have the gender experience (CD/TG/TS) that related to me and all he could do is quote scripture or the DSM. His experience was just with gay and lesbians.

But we got through it with hers, mine, and our counselors at this place believe it or not.

I WISH YOU VERY MUCH LUCK.

Just a few thoughts for you that helped my wife and I make it through it.

-Personal acceptance and knowing who you are. If you do not know this figure it out. And I am not saying it will not change. But you need to know who you are and what you want. You can not be all over the place as this will complicate things a lot for everyone.

-Ask your wife what specifically is it that has changed her view on your CDing. And get this as specific as possible, and it may take while to nail this down completely.

-If your wife and the counselor/pastor will allow, attend a session with her. Use this session mostly as a information gathering session to understand where they are getting their information/direction from. Some questions getting them to clarify and detail the information may help you and them. Write down the information.

-If you do not already, get a journal and use it. A spiral notebook with a pocket will work. Keep notes on your thoughts, your wife’s positions, talks with your wife, information from counseling sessions, and any other relative information. My wife and I each have been keeping journals and we would even write letters to each other in them. And later give each other copies of the letters to discuss. The journal for me gave me a way to write down information, my thoughts, and allowed me to organize that information.

-Educate your self and gather information, print it out and share information with your wife if she will accept it. Do not just send her to a web site.

-Do not try to out scripture your wife or anyone else. Acknowledge what they say, and then tell them how you feel and do personally as a CDer hopefully showing them how you are different from the scripture. I would say “Some are like that, but for me”….

-TALK AND COMMUNICATE with your WIFE outside of any professional sessions. My wife and I always had sessions after the sessions and other talk sessions. And if you have a print out or information for her to read and then discuss, give it to her before so she has time to read and think about it. And I would have a copy for me with my points and views written on it. If possible schedule personal sessions, weekly and after any personal or joint sessions with a counselor.

-Continue to make your wife feel loved, do things for you wife, go on dates, send her flowers or gifts, or notes, or cards, or what ever she likes. Make sure she still knows and sees that you love her. And not just because you told her that once and married her.

For my wife and I, most of our CDing issues were worked through within our own person talk sessions and the counselors helped with individual things and helped us to communicate better as a couple. Some of our first personal talk sessions were very tense. But we can now have conversations about CDing.

I looked for and found everything I could on the web relating to me. Dixie has a good site with SO information as is here on this site in many of the postings.

Some things to be ready for, because many have the general society view and information:

-all TG/CDers are gay.... religion views of the gay. Lucky I did not have to deal much with this as I am very hetro and my wife knows that.

-it is just a perverted sexual, fetish thing. Drag queens, media, talk shows…. For me it was not.

-almost anything sexual between a married husband and wife, within the marriage and within the house is ok, as long as it is accepted and enjoyed by both. I could write a book on this one, but will not.

-we want to go out to pick up others and have sex. Picking someone else up for a relationship was the last thing on my mind.

-lying, not telling whole truths to your wife. I gave my wife all the information I had. I wrote down a rough outline of my life and CDing from day one on what I could remember. I wrote down my outings, where they were and what I did in brief. I gave her access to my femme email, forum sites I went to including login, and other sites I went to often or that had good information. I sat down and pulled out all of my femme things for her to see. This was after she said that she did not even know what I had, so I ask her if she wanted to see. And I now also let her see anything new I have gotten.

-going out is deceiving others. I could write a small report on this one.


I hope my ramblings help some and once again, good luck,

KimberlyS – CD

You can PM me if you want.

[janelle]

Hi Cathe TV. I don't know if he has but i have brought that up several times. She just blows it off because pants are NOW MADE for women.
Thanks hun.
Janelle

[DonnaT]

Hi Cathe TV. I don't know if he has but i have brought that up several times. She just blows it off because pants are NOW MADE for women.

So are skirts.
http://www.midasclothing.com/old/index.html
http://www.german-hosiery-museum.de/geschichte/geschichte_06.htm
http://www.zyra.org.uk/sk4men.htm
http://www.xdress.com/men-in-skirts-01.html

[Julie York]

I suspect you are right Julie, but perhaps a bit too judgmental. I would rephrase your comment to say "the key may lie with the phrase . . ." and then "find out first if he has been feeding her poison..." Then all will be more clear.

Quite right, I agree. But it was easier to type my version.

But I put a fiver on the narrow minded bigot pastor feeding his wife mindless sinning drivel blah blah etc. Any takers?:D

[btmgrl6]

maybe she has been more "tolerant" than "accepting" and is now suffering from information overload. In your eyes she accepts this and that, so you assume she will accept even more.
I think that most clergy equate crossdressing with homosexuality. Maybe her pastor has indicated this to her. I don't think the scriptures say that is a sin to crossdress...but a sin for man to lie down with another man.
As for your wish to go totally female.... It might just be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Hard choices. You can "come out totally" at the risk of your marriage, or slip back into the closet,or at the very least not include your wife in your behavior.. at the risk of your happiness.. what if she won't compromise?

Just some food for thought

Steph

[steffie39]

Hi Janelle,

My experiences and 0.02 :

My wife is pretty much accepting (i.e. lets me dress) but does have days where she doesn't even want to hear the name Steffie. I know what is meant by the roller-coaster thing. I have heard her say a few months ago that she loves Steffie and then I have also heard her say she hates Steffie.

I have found though that as long as I spend a reasonable amount of time with her as my male self, that helps as it reaffirms to her that her husband is never very far away. I also always ask her before I dress and she always says she appreciates that. When she does let me dress, I usually do nice things for her (sometimes as Steffie, sometimes later as male) like ironing her clothes, serving her breakfast in bed or cooking for her. I think she is starting to realize that Steffie is in a sense living in our house and always will. Sometimes I smile at her and say that Steffie must think of her as a good girlfriend if she does all these things for her. :)

When I am dressed and I see her mood might be changing a little, I stay clear of her and let her watch TV. I find when I don't PUSH Steffie on her (like I used to do), she is ultimately fine. She says she will never stand in the way of me being Steffie and going out or even dressing at home as long as she does not have to go out with me. That is more than reasonable I think. Although I would like her to be able to go out with me, I realize that CDers can't have everything. This could possibly come later on in my life but I won't push it.

Good luck and hang in there. :)

Steffie

[Kate Simmons]

Janelle, Some women may be okay with things at first but then change their tune. This seems to be a common theme. My wife never accepted my CDing and never will. If they do show acceptance, that may encourage us further. Some may see that more time is spent as being our femme self and begin to wonder what's more important to us that or her. This was always my wife's biggest problem with it. EKR

[Ms. Donna]

Quite right, I agree. But it was easier to type my version.

But I put a fiver on the narrow minded bigot pastor feeding his wife mindless sinning drivel blah blah etc. Any takers?:D

I'll join you on this Julie. Last place I'd turn for advice regarding anything 'sexually' related - and that is how a 'religion' biased counselor would see it.

Janelle, communication is the key thing here (as you have been advised many already.) Also, DonnaT mentioned, a qualified therapist who understands gender related issues would probably be a better option for you both.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[stephanie100]

At the time of the start of the christion church Roman men wore a Toga (a sort of early mini skirt)
Greaks also wore a long robe like garment.
Priests wear a long black robe/gown type garment.
Bishops wear a very colourful long gown type garment
I think you can guess where this is going as to women wearing pants/trousers they may be made for the better gender now but so are skirts made for men ( ask any scot.) (or mick jagger, boy george or ........) hope this helps your argument.
Steph:hugs:

[Nlenro-nu2]

Hi Ladies, 1st off, sorry Tammi dear about your troubles, your in my thoughts & prayers.
Now why i write, my wife has known for along time of my wishes & up until last Oct. when we talked & i said i want her to see & be able to be relaxed about it, she was ok. Now that she knows that i shop(both ways for my girlly things), she sits on the fence. One day she is perfectly fine with it & gives advice. Yet anywheres down the road she says she doesn't want to know anything about it, yet if i go shopping i get the 5th degree. She has talked in the past that her & i go out, now she says she never will. I know she has been talking to our counseling pastor & i think that is when all her changes came.
I know as women we change our minds but her whole tone has changed. I almost feel i need to be put back in the closet or get sercetative about what i do. That i don't want to do as we have never hid anything but i don't have many choices. Put all this on top of me wanting my male side fully gone since the 19th of last month, & her changing, i am now beating myself up. I call myself a freak, & alot of unladylike things as well. I'm sure you get the picture, so what do i do? Do i give her more to read from here? I have given the site to her so she can come her on her own but i guess she has not.
Guess i am just looking for a sounding board as i bet she will never accept the facts about the way i feel.
Thats for reading the ramblings of a half baked woman,hehehe. Hope you all have a great weekend.
Take care dears,
Janelle

Hi! I'm Nlenro-nu2 Don't hide yourself! Remember God said: What Shalt thou Gain if thou Gain The world and Lose thy Soul(Spirit)? These means rise above those that want you to hide or rise above the challenges that God gives you. If you feel your more female than male go ahead dress as female. Those that think it wrong have missread the scriptures. In case you don't know I happen to be a Unitarian Pastor. If your wife can't tolerate a crossdresser that perhaps you should divorce her and find a mate that can tolerate your preferences of crossdressing.

[chantelle]

In my case i am the counsilor and the transgender. The result,my skils could not save the marraige.

[Rachel Morley]

Now that she knows that i shop (both ways for my girlly things), she sits on the fence. One day she is perfectly fine with it & gives advice. Yet anywheres down the road she says she doesn't want to know anything about it, yet if i go shopping i get the 5th degree.
It's quite normal for wives to swing from acceptance and encouragement one week, then next week she's not so interested. Marla had a thread on this forum last year about it. It's since been included on the Beaumont Society's website. Here's a link if you're interested.

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/pendulum.html

[janelle]

Thanks ladies, very encouraging information. Looks like i just have to give her some space & let things fall where they may. You dears are wonderful, Thank you.:hugs: :hugs:
Janelle