GG just found out about my CD Boyfriend, Advice needed urgently plzzz!!!

[weemoofrazz]

Hi all, I thought before I asked anyone for any advice it would be useful to start off by telling you a bit about myself and my CD Boyfriend, Kirsteen.

Ok so for a few weeks I felt that there was something that my boyfriend was not quite telling me, I sensed a sort of depth to him that he wasn't sharing and ofcourse there were a few things that implied he was doing a little sneaking around behind my back particularly on the pc, I actually initially thought that he may be cheating on me, although I thought it would be more an online thing than an actuall physical thing. Long story short, I betrayed his trust in some respects and hacked his e-mail account. There I found out that he had recently been setting up an e-mail account in his femme name Kirsteen and after looking at some websites that he had subscribed to and checking out his yahoo messenger contacts, the realization hit me that he was either a CD, TV Or worse from my perspective gay!!! Of course I had a good few hours of shock, filled with lots of crying and god knows what going through my mind. I must say though that he had previously mentioned to me about his fantasies, we were having one of those horny bedroom chats and he did mention that he would like to wear heels and fishnets, I am an exceptionally liberal chick and thought, erm, hell ok, Ill try anything once !!! Never actually imagining the depth of his fantasy or indeed how much he actually was involved in CDing.

I was too upset the next morning after I had found out to be able to talk with him, and he was working and I knew the issue would take more than 20min to discuss, so he went off to his work really worried that something very serious was wrong!! I felt terrible, primarily because I had gone behind his back and found out what I had, I felt that I just couldn't leave him the whole day at work, panicing and wondering just what the hell was wrong...So I decided to e-mail him to explain what I had done and what I had found out and of course most importantly how I was feeling about it. I sent a really long e-mail, constantly reassuring him that I loved him and of course that I was sorry for invading his privacey, I had expected that he would have gone crazy when he found out what I had done, but to my suprise he didn't at all, quite the opposite and phoned me to tell me that he was actually relieved that I now knew and that he would talk to me about it when he got home.. He e-mailed me back to explain everything to me, he described how he started in his teens and as an adult in a relationship with his previous girlfriend had often wore her clothes and underwear when she was out...After his split with his ex when he was living alone he started to indulge more and dressed and talked online with other CDs and TVs he also bought make-up and a wig and dressed fully.

So how did I feel? How did you other GGs feel when you first found out?

My instant reaction was one of shock and if honest sheer horror!!! But I had just found out!!! I soon calmed down and I knew instantly that it wouldn't be a case of I am not putting up with this or he has to stop this or it's over...I love him so very much and my next reaction was "can I cope with this?" How will I deal with this? so I found this forum that night I first discoved his secret when I was searching the net for info so as to be able to better understand the issue and the reasons behind his CDing. The site was a revelation just reading other peoples stories and finding out that I wasn't alone, and ofcourse that my boyfriend wasn't the only guy on the planet that dressed!!! I read as much as I could, at that point in time I had no idea about how into CDing my boyfriend was or what his feeings were towards men, so I tried to read to cover every eventuality!!!

When my boyfriend/Kirsteen got home from work the day I told him I knew, he was embarrassed and very worried, scared of just how I would react to him, frightened that I might have showed him the door!!! That couldn't have been further from my mind, the opposite infact to both how I was feeling and what I was thinking....

I did feel weird I guess though, but not in a bad way...it really is quite difficult to explain...I love him more than anything and I was keen to find out more about the when's and why's etc...Of course I had a few burning questions, the usual I suspect...Do you fancy guy's, have you ever dressed with any other guy and does anyone else know? I never felt compelled to ask if he loved me, because I knew he did and although I couldn't quite understand the reasons that he may have had for CDing I felt confident that they were seperate to me and our relationship and that he wasn't trying to fufill a need that was missing from me and our relationship. We have always had a fantastic sex life and as I mentioned before I am really liberal and I have always been open and honest with him and I am definately the sort of chick who is open to anything....I guess thats why in a way I felt a little hurt and betrayed that he hadn't told me.


We talked it all through, I asked him as much questions as I could and we just discussed it at length throughout most of that day. I have to say now, that I don't know about any of you other accepting GGs but I have never felt so close to my boyfriend as I did after I found out...We cuddled alot and I just really felt so privalidged that he would confide in me such an important part of his life. No one else on the planet knows about Kirsteen and that made me feel very special indeed, that he could trust me enough to open up to me and lay himself bare as it were. Hell even now I think the fact that I'am the only one to know about Kirsteen a little kinky if we are in company!!! it's like I can look at him and of course know that I am the only one in the world that ever see's him as a woman!!! and that to me is a little naughty and a bit of a turn on actually....

He showed me pictures of Kirsteen and although I had told him I would try 100% to always be as accepting and supportive as I could be, I really didn't know who I would feel seeing him as a woman...I have to say that he looks fantastic in stockings and has a great ass and pretty fine legs!!! I can't say a that I fancy Kirsteen in anyway, not at this early point in time anyway, but I do find the idea of my boyfriend dressing kinky and I am more than happy to incorporate it into our sex lives, slowly at first mind you, I reckon starting with just seeing him in heels and stockings to begin with and take it from there!!!!!

So depsite my acceptance and willingness to incorporate that part of my boyfriends life into our relationship I still sometimes find myself a little torn, suffering a bit from mixed feeling's? Did anyone else feel this way?

I saw him today in a suit for the first time since I had met him. After he had gone out to go to his corporate lunch and the footie I actually found myself crying!!! I was really upset??? I looked at him dressed to the 9s looking sexy as hell in his suit and for some reason I just felt sad!!!! hell I even felt sort of sorry for him....and a bit sorry for myself too!!!

I reallt didn't anticipate that I would feel like that, I do accept Kirsteen yet for some weird reason, I almost feel like, well something has ended, or somepart of me, or him has died!!! sounds a little extreme I know, but the day he came home from work after I found out I just knew my life with him would never be the same again, and not that this was neccesserily a bad thing, but it just felt a little sad.

I guess I just previously felt so lucky to have had a perfect guy, I used to almost thank god that I was so in love with my boyfriend and that he was just so wonderful, now I felt myself cursing god and thinking why did this have to happen to me!!!

Just now it feels like I am on a rollercoaser, I am up and down, perfectly comfortable and accepting one minuet, and the next anxious and sad. Guy's is this normal??? have any of you ever felt this way? I am really hoping it's a short term thing and is purely a reaction to the initial shock of finding out...I don't feel that I can confide in my boyfriend/Kirsteen about the negative things that I am feeling because I don't want to hurt him or any way jepordize the openess that he has showed....Guy's I am going be ok right?, I mean it probably is just a shock like response, at least I really hope it is.

I absolutely adore my boyfriend and I am deeply in love with him, so much so that I can accept Kirsteen.... My boyfriend has said to me a few times that if Kirsteen had in anyway interfeared with our relationship he wouldn't CD anymore or have anything to do with it, but that just feels wrong to me, it is obviously part of who he is and the last thing in the world that I would ever want is him to not be able to fully be who he is.

I guess I am just rattling off here and bending a few ears so to speak because there is no one else to ask, no one else that I could tell and as I mentioned I just don't feel that I can tell my boyfriend....

I thank anyone and everyone who took the time to read this novel lol :happy:

I would appreciate greatly hearing from anyone on this matter and I thankyou in advance for any advice or help....:)

Frazz..

[Penny]

Wow! Welcome to the forum. Long thead but interesting. Remember when
you went to the prom or some other event that requried you to get all dressed up. How did you feel? My guess is you felt pretty. Most women
have the need to feel pretty, not all the time though. Most CD's got that need at birth. I would bet that the reason you feel so strongly about your
boyfriend is because he makes you feel special in a way that no other man
has ever done. This in part due to a lot of feminine traits but mostly because
CD's find women in general to be the ultimate pretty. So, we emulate them
to fill our need to feel pretty. I know my wife prefers to see me male but she
does understand my need to feel pretty. I hope when you sort it all out,
that you realize that it's only clothes and make up and really, what's so wrong with that? Now that you know, keeping things in perspective will be
important for both of you.

[kathy gg]

I'm going to let some of the other women who found out after the relationship got going answer some of the harder questions.

I will reasure you this. The rolelrcoaster you are feeling is normal. Even some of the most accepting and open minded women have 'bad' days. Geez, even the guys have bad days with this, I would like to think we are entitled to a few one's ourselves :p

As for thinking you found the perfect boyfriend....well you could look at this as a "negative" and then pick it apart and focus on all the bad things that this "might" create....or you could focus on what is the reality. In essence he is the same guy you have come to think of as perfect....but now you know all of him. What a privledge....because girl let me tell ya, every guy has "some thing" he is into...don't kid yourself about that. Chances are your best friends have boyfriends doing the exact same thing or much much worse than wanting to wear high heels. The thing that makes you an "edge above" is you now know everything about him. If anything life can be even more perfect. If you allow it to be.

It is natural though to obsess over the tiny things, trust me we have all done that a time or twenty.

But there are some things I noticed in your post that show alot of intellignce right off the bat....first off, you already realzie probbaly more than he does. He said he woudl stop if you asked...and you are already saying that you dont' feel that is right.....you are on the mark. Which makes me think he is probably still a little insecure with this side to himself. It is common for guys when they are younger to try to make promises to try and stop. He is being like everyone else before him, even though all the evidence points to the contrary.

Secondly, you are computer savy and willing to get online to seek help. That is going to be a HUGE good thing for you. Having support, other women to bounce stuff off is key in acceptance and going through all the different emotions that will happen.

I would say this, if possible, think about all the info you have read, are there points which you 'think' you are okay with...what about things which are not okay with. Start jotting them down. Start a list of what you envision being willing to partake in, stuff you "might" partake inand stuff you absolutely would not want to or get mad if he did.

One of the big problems couples face is different expectations in regards to what they are calling "acceptance". And you see this often when a wife will say she think she is accepting because she will go with her guy shopping...but the guy on the other hand is complaining that she won't go out with him dressed. See, different definition of what acceptance is.

And really chances are he has not given this loads of thought because he has never been honest about this before. So you also have to give him some room for error.

But to begin to compile a list I think is a good start in negotiating where you stand.

And...if possible, even though it is tempting, don't spend too much time online reading up and fall into "crossdress overdose"....or cdod {a friend of mine coined that term}. It is wanting to mentally consume as much info as possible, but then almsot burning out that you begin to resent all the energy and effort that you have devoted to something that is not even your personal interest {other than the boyfriend link}. Take some time when you get online to do other things and give yourself a break from " transgender 101" when you feel your head is about to explode.

It all will still be here, trust me.

And oh...welcome to the forum and I hope some of the insights and friendships you make will help the process be less bumpy.

[AnnaMaria]

weemoofrazz,

Take it from a tg dear the best thing for the both of you is for you to tell her how you are feeling because there will be times when you will truely need him and if you don't tell her now then when those times come it will be harder to ask for what you need.

I told my wife about Anna just before thanksgiving of 04 and she has been very accepting of me but she still has her ups and downs about it. I think that it is just part of having a relationship with a tg unfortunately. But at least the two of you are talking about it. That is the first step into a much bigger world believe me.

The next thing I would suggest would be to find friends in your area that are in the tg community that you can talk to. We live in a really small backward town and there are tg's even in our area so I am sure that there are some in your area as well. And never forget that you are not alone. I have talked to several tg's that have said that after their so found out about them they became even closer and even best girlfriends at times. But, at the same time you also have to remember that she will be scared senseless the first time out in public so you will have to be prepared to that as well. You may plan to go somewhere only to have to turn around and go home because she is not ready to be seen yet. My first time out I almost pee'd my pants I was so scared. And I seriously considered saying forget it I'm not ready for this yet. But I did it and we had a wonderful time. We went to a convention in Chicago called the Be All. It is a 6 day even in June that is just for tg's and their so's and friends. We went for three days last year and we are going for 5 days this year. We made some wonderful friends and we are very much looking forward to going again.

Just remember that you are just as important as she is in the relationship and you shouldn't be scared to ask for what you need.

Another suggestion for you would be to find something that you and she can do together. It could be going out for an evening, going shopping, or going to some kind of tg sponsered event. There are several all over the US and quite a few in other parts of the world as well. Or if she is not ready to go out in public or doesn't have the desire to go out in public then plan something special at home for an evening or weekend. Something that will allow the two of you to spend time together so you have an opportunity to really get to know Kirsteen for who she is. At the same time it will allow you to become more comfortable with being around her when she is dressed. Of course that will I am sure take time to actually do but you have already taken the first step because you have already seen her dressed. For my wife that was probably the hardest part after she finally figured out that I wasn't gay. I think that was one of her biggest fears overall was that I might be gay and want to leave her for a man.

Just remember that most tg's are straight. Not all are but most are. The other thing to remember is that you will never truely be able to understand the why's or how's simply because you are not tg yourself and there is no way for us to really explain our feelings about it because we don't really understand ourselves. It is something that we are born with and we just have to learn to accept and deal with or let it destroy us, unfortunately.

I jsut realized how long this has become so I will stop for now but just remember that everyone in the group here is wonderful and willing to help in any way that we can when ever we can.

Huggs
Anna

[weemoofrazz]

Thankyou for all your comments. A few things to follow up on.

Penny, you are right on the money, I told my boyfriend last night that I reckon it's alot of what's femanine about him that I am so in love with. He is exceptionally considerate, compassionate, insightful, patient and above all else very loving. Your comment about it just being clothes and make-up is also apt, your absolutely right and I know that he is the same guy that I fell in love with, just a bit more glamerous now ! lol.

Kathy you were probably right on the mark when you said that my boyfriend has probably not given his CDing alot of thought before now, I don't really think he has either, so to that extent I reckon he will have to play by ear himself and discover more about his own needs and likes.

Although I have used the net to get information I can honestly say that I am not overdosing, well certainly not yet !!!! I just wanted to gain a basic insight into CDing and some of the key issues surrounding it, the rest I am happy to learn from Kirsteen!!!

AnnaMaria, to follow up from your comments, my boyfriend/Kirsteen is not TS infact though I admit to having a basic understanding of the terms, he isn't even a TV, he has really strongly pointed out that he has absolutely no desire to dress outside the 4 walls of the home so to speak, he also has absolutely no attraction to men either, it's more about the sexy clothes and the really femine look, he say's that for him this is the biggest thrill, it's that he finds exciting and a turn on.

To all,

Kathy you mentioned that I would be best advised to constuct a list so to say of the things that I would find taboo, I will do that, thankyou for your suggestion. One thing that I already know I am finding difficulty with is the fact that Kirsteen uses chatrooms and has a profile on a TV site that lots of people respond to, sending photos of themselves to her and inviting her to chat etc. I know because I mentioned earlier that he does not fancy men, but he admits to having a certain level of curiosity in relation to well, the sexual scene. He has told me that he has chatted online and had online sex with other CDs, TVs etc...This I find a little un-nerving!!! Not really because its other guy's but just the whole principle of it!!, It sort of makes you feel, I guess a little cheated on in some small measure. There were some woman that he also used to chat with etc etc but I told him, that was definately something I really didn't feel comfortable with him doing, as it was on offer on tap at home so to say and therefor I just really found that him talking dirty with other woman made me feel both jealous and hurt.

Have any of your CDing SO's ever participated in this and you know about it? did it bother any of you girls? Should I ultimately be concerned that I am so bothered by this ?

Anyway, thanks a million it feels like such a relief to just be able to talk with you all and I really do look forward to learning alot from everyone.

:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Hon, My wife was devastated when I finally told her after two years of marriage. By that time we had two little boys. Please believe me when I say it has nothing to do with his feelings for you. I could never convince my wife of that though and to this day she will not accept my femme self. I really can't say how she felt. I'd have to defer to the GG's on that one. All I know is we struggle with our feelings all the time. Despite everything, my love for my wife has never diminished. My only advice is to have a lot of talks together as most of us (CD's) really don't have a choice in how we feel, but it's good to get the feelings (from both sides) out. Ericka

[DonnaT]

Hi Frazz,

I want to reiterate what AnnaMarie mentioned. Be honest with Kirsteen about what your are comfortable with, or what may be bothering you at the moment.

My wife and I have been riding the roller-coaster for 30 yrs. If she holds back, trying to spare me her feelings, it can very easily explode in anger. I'd rather she tell me what's up from the get go than have her angry at me.

As for the online chatting, it can be as addictive as this forum is. Friends of a kindred spirit have been made and it's very hard to just cut yourself off from friends.

If he's getting something sexual out of these chats, then that is something altogether different, more than just friendship.

If the chats take time away from your time together, then he needs to be made aware of it. And if he's as considerate as you say, then he won't resent limiting his online time a bit.

Communication and compromise are also essential in a relationship.

[Lawren]

After reading your "novel" only one thing sticks in my mind. You are worried about sharing your negative feelings with Kirsteen. My impression is that you are both deeply in love with each other but even so there will be negative things in any relationship. They have to be dealt with or they will become bigger, perhaps insurmountable. My suggestion is that you deal with these feelings as you would with any other issues you have with your boyfriend. Honestly, openly, and sincerely.

[weemoofrazz]

DonnaT,

Kirsteen is getting something sexual out of the online chats and thats for me where the problem lies, so to speak. The dressing I honestly accept, it may take time to get used to and I might not always like him when he dresses, but those are all issues that can be worked through. I reckon at the route of my having a problem with him e-mailing, chatting etc intimatly so to say with other people, never mind the guy thing, is jealousy, I think I am jealous of that, and to me it does seem like an act of betrayal...He has messages that other CDs, etc have sent him, and he just kept saying to me now remember the things that people send the conversations that we have it is all just fantasy and none of it means anything, yet he didn't show me any of it, he seemed scared to. I asked him never to chat like that again with other woman, stated that really got my back up and he said that's fine he won't in future. Trouble is, I don't believe him?, he has a very high sex drive and claims that he simply turned on too easily, we are living together at the moment, due to unforseen cirucmstances and convieniance while his house he bought is being renovated, only supposed to be a few wks, it's been 4 months, it will be 5 by the time he finally moves into his place and what worries me then is that he will chat to woman, dress and derive plenty of pleasure from it all while I am not there, I worry that after spending so much time together, living together when he moves out and we spend probably no more than half the week together his dressing will esculate due to my acceptance and that he may eventually find more pleaseure from that and his online stuff than from us? if that makes any sense ! lol

I can understand the aspect of his online stuff, friends, as you said kindred spirits, I have no issues with his talking with anyone, it's just the sexual stuff that I find harder to accept !

Lawren,

Yes to a certain degree you are right I guess that despite the fact we are very communicative I do find it hard to share my negatie feelings with my boyfriend on this issue, mostly because I am scared if I do he will be disparaged and may not be so forthcoming about what he really feels and wants, but alas you are right I will have to tell him, guess I could simply ask him to read this post, he may also find everyones advice helpful too, won't know till I try it ! It would certainly be easier than just telling him off subject !

Thanks again girls. :)

[DonnaT]

I will have to tell him, guess I could simply ask him to read this post, he may also find everyones advice helpful too, won't know till I try it ! It would certainly be easier than just telling him off subject !
A very good idea.

Good luck.

[Sandra]

Hi Frazz

Firstly welcome to the forum :)

The roller coaster will begin to slow down and you will become more settled.

As for sharing you negative feelings, this is something you have to do , both of you have to be honest with each other, if there is something that is troubling you then say so, because believe me if you don't it will cause trouble later, this happened to me I kept quiet then one night let rip, I lost my husbands trust for quite a long time, but thankfully we worked through it.

As for the on line chat/sex again make to clear to him how you feel about this, might be worth mentioning how he would feel if you were chatting like this on line.

Hope you can get sorted :)

[weemoofrazz]

Thanks girls !

[kathy gg]

Glad to see you reading and responding.

I am giving an "opinion" here, okay, this is not based on fact, or a study, or anything official ....but my opinion comes from being involved with this community since 1997, knowing alot of crossdressers as good friends, and learning from what I have heard.

I think for many cd's who are new to learning/exploring this side of their personality and are not ready to leave thier home en femme/join a support group in real time and not out to their loved ones, they focus on the parts of the crossdressing community they do have access to...which usually amounts to spending alot of time online and if you factor in a high sex drive, alot of that online time is spent in sexually related activity/sites/chat.

Is this right or wrong? I dont' know. I am not married {nor would I be married} to a guy who needs that sexual online gratification from other people.

But I think once the cd reaches a platue of personal acceptance, is able to get to know other people in a non-sexulized way, have support from a spouse/girlfriend that kinky/sexual/taboo side in time lessens. I don't think the sexual aspect for all goes away, but it just gets channeled in ways which dont' make it all about 'sex'. Many crossdressers report in time that dressing up does not ALWAYS have to end in sex or self pleasure.

As for the "fantasy" side, well techincally now that you are aware he can begin to make a real decision. Does he start to let you in his fantasy wishes ? Or will he choose to just hide this curiosty better? Only time will tell. I would like to think that he will start to trust you with his thoughts and feelings.

Some people/couples are not adverse to online flirting and cyber sex. Some people know when to draw the line......but I think when a person deposits themself in a situation where morals are loose and people are desperate to indulge in their fantasys for some this is a recipe for trouble.

I think you are giving him a real opportunity to prove his loyalty, respect, and bring a whole new level of intimacy and trust. I think even getting him to join this forum might be good for him to better gain his own personal acceptance. But he needs to steer clear of the sleezy chat and cyber sex cestpools that offer a quick fix and quick satisfaction. No good ever comes from those places if one wants to be in a monogomous and loving relationship with a genetic female, unless she is right along side cyber flirting and chatting by his side.

I think you shoudl be concerned to the fact that you dont' approve of that aspect of the dressing. And with you now being aware he should make an attempt to find ways to express this that dont' involve getting off with complete strangers online, women, men, cd, or otherwise. If you dont' like it put your foot down right now.

He also may have to get "weened" off the cyber sex. If he has been using it as a tool, I can't imagine a person going totally cold turkey. You may have to give him some time to get used to not having this other outlet. I mean, even on the Atkins Diet you still have to have some small amount of carbs or your body will react very negatively. You may have to be in sexual overdrive for and with him till he gets used to you and his hand being his only sexual outlet. But I think if he really does love you he can in time stop the cyber sex/sex chat stuff. If not, well, some people are sexual addicts and that is a whole other ball of wax and another post for another day.

Give him a little time to get back on the right track. But also, I would say if 6 months from now he is still addicted to cyber sex....and he knows you are not happy about that....well that is something you will then have to decide are you ready to continue to battle about and on for the rest of yoru time together. Let's hope he does not put you in that situation, considering how willing you are to learn about this all. Cause in case he is not aware, many women run screaming away from all this and never take the time to educate themselves and learn...you are a catch in this community my dear! Girls willing to stick around and be a part of this are hard to come by. And you can pass that on to him if he starts wavering again! You are a CATCH!








Kathy you were probably right on the mark when you said that my boyfriend has probably not given his CDing alot of thought before now, I don't really think he has either, so to that extent I reckon he will have to play by ear himself and discover more about his own needs and likes.

Kathy you mentioned that I would be best advised to constuct a list so to say of the things that I would find taboo, I will do that, thankyou for your suggestion. One thing that I already know I am finding difficulty with is the fact that Kirsteen uses chatrooms and has a profile on a TV site that lots of people respond to, sending photos of themselves to her and inviting her to chat etc. I know because I mentioned earlier that he does not fancy men, but he admits to having a certain level of curiosity in relation to well, the sexual scene. He has told me that he has chatted online and had online sex with other CDs, TVs etc...This I find a little un-nerving!!! Not really because its other guy's but just the whole principle of it!!, It sort of makes you feel, I guess a little cheated on in some small measure. There were some woman that he also used to chat with etc etc but I told him, that was definately something I really didn't feel comfortable with him doing, as it was on offer on tap at home so to say and therefor I just really found that him talking dirty with other woman made me feel both jealous and hurt.

Have any of your CDing SO's ever participated in this and you know about it? did it bother any of you girls? Should I ultimately be concerned that I am so bothered by this ?

Anyway, thanks a million it feels like such a relief to just be able to talk with you all and I really do look forward to learning alot from everyone.

:hugs:

[weemoofrazz]

Thankyou Kathy...

I wouldn't say that he is addicted to the online sex etc but has indulged alot before we met, he told me that since he met me his clothes etc have been in a box and he has hardly been online in the capacity to have any chats of a sexual nature with anyone (Although, that's primarily because I am alway's here!!, hence the worry for when I am not). He doesn't chat everyday but what he does do everyday is check his tv site for photo's, he has plenty of them that he looks at daily, that I felt a little concerned with? granted he seems to have a similar compulsion to check ebay everyday but it just seems to me that checking photos of that nature everyday is well, an addiction of sorts.

To be perfectly honest, if he told me tomorrow that he would stop e-mailing or chatting to anyone else in a sexual manner I'de genuinely be really happy, and I reckon I could give him that little bit more in effort and support if I didn't have this whole, other sexual outlet to be concerned about. I wll of course as all have suggested speak to him this evening when he comes home, provided he is not drunk, free drink at his corporate doo so that'a a possibility!!! lol. I will start the conversation by asking him to take the time to read my post fully with no questions till he's read to the end, that way he can also digest everyone else's advice and comments.

I feel like I am currently in limbo it really is strange, I feel tearful at the drop of a hat, but at the same time, priviladged and proud that he has told me and that hopefully the secrecy can end.

I expected, as I am a fairly realistic person that I would have the good days and the bad days and will no doubt have many more to come ! I just hope that the anxious feelings and general sadness wear off!!!, christ knows I don't want to turn into a sad looking bugger all the time !!!

:)

[purple_spider GG]

Hi
It is normal for you to feel shocked and then feeling like you are swinging from one frame of mind to another when you first find out your partner is transgender. I met my partner Louise when she was en-femme mode so there were no secrets. However my former was cross dressing and then dropped the TS bombshell on me which left me feeling the same sense of confusion you feel.

It does get easier and you will find that you can reach a happy medium with each other on these things. Keep talking to her, tell her how you feel and make sure that she is honest with you about herself and where she sees her future going.

As for the cyber sex well if it makes you feel uncomfortable and insecure then tell her so. I have a similiar problem with Louise at the moment, I have told her it makes me feel unhappy, but it is one problem we are working on. On the whole it could be that Kirsteen is not sure if you would indulge in sexual activities with her cross dressed. Perhaps this is too soon but perhaps you could discuss it with her.

Hugs
debs
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Scotty]

If you accept it, from time to time embrace it with her/him - you may find those online chats go away right quick.......

My ex G/F and I had issues regarding this - she said it was a big issue last night but she's embracing it now - but I'm not going to overdose on it either cuz I know she will have her bad days too.

He'll settle into it and if you are there for him/her then I think things will be fine......you taking the time to post up here proves that point :)

[Satina Silky]

Hi weemoofrazz. I have read your post. I'm also crossdresser and I don't know why i'm doing it except that I must doing it. I've tried to say to myself that I will end with it but it didn't work. It's stronger than me.
You know, I said to myself that I must share my secret with every woman with who I (and she with me) would like to walk together. I accepted myself as a CD and there's nothing or nobody who can change it. And I'm quite happy.

[weemoofrazz]

I thankyou all for your comments and your thoughts. I fear however that I may not be posting on here again because as of this evening my boyfriends CDing to me now feels almost insignificant, I showed him the post, he read it took it all in and as I had hoped it opened the doors to communication. We talked all night, hrs, often I was upset and at times he was too, though the matcho side to him meant that he did his best not to show it. We ended up not just discussing the issue of his dressing but almost every other aspect of our relationship as well, to my detriment it now seems.

We have been living together at my place for 4 months now, and although we have only been together 7 months, both he and I have said that we feel more for each other than either of us did for our previous partners of 10 and 7years respectively. He ended up moving in by default really, he bought a house that required renovation and at first he tried to commute a total of 2hrs plus a day and actually expect that he could work on the house!! didn't work so he moved in with me, only supposed to be for a few weeks!!!! Anyway, the last 4 months have been bliss, we live very well together and just purely becuase we are so right for one another have had very little disagreement and absolutely great sex!!!

So of course then I find out about his CDing, I am up and down about it but, the whole time I feel closer to him than ever before and I realize just how much I do love him, hell I'de marry him tomorrow suspenders and all! lol...

So seems fine so where can the trouble lie? well basically in the fact that I discovered tonight that he doesn't love me any where near as deeply as I love him, not that he is saying that to me, the opposite, he tells me its wonderful etc and that I am the most important thing in the world to him etc etc....Yet when I mentioned us moving in together once his house is finished, he turns on the self preservation mode and tells me that he would be happier dating !!!

His attitude, his lack of commitment just felt like the biggest boot to the stomach, after me telling him I de do anything for him etc and that the CDing I will fully accept...Needless to say I feel like a complete fool, I don't want to nor do I see any reason to take 2 steps back in our relationship, which going back to dating for me certainly would be....I ve always suspected that he had issues with commitment and now I know I was right. So for me, everything has changed, it's been the worst weekend of my life and in other ways the best !!! But now, I am hurting very badly and see no point in going on with the relationship, I mean at what juncture in time in the future will he finally decide oh yeh actually I am now ready so let's move in, knowing him seriously that would be many many months down the line even years.

When asked what he would do if the relationship was suffering after he moved out and we were "dating" again, he told me everything in his power that he could to save it, I asked what that might be, he replied "stand outside your work every night so I can see you"....Not move in together to get back what we had, hell no.....speaks for it's self really.

Anyway, Ide like to thank everyone for their friendlyness and their kindness, I'de like to say that when I needed somewhere to go to find information and advice, this place helped me no end. I think that forums like this one that people can visit to find friendly advice are essential and I commend you all on the service and support this forum offers.

Again my thanks, and I guess appologies too, for well, almost wasting your time !!!

:( Frazz.

[maid phylis]

Wow! Welcome to the forum. Long thead but interesting. Remember when
you went to the prom or some other event that requried you to get all dressed up. How did you feel? My guess is you felt pretty. Most women
have the need to feel pretty, not all the time though. Most CD's got that need at birth. I would bet that the reason you feel so strongly about your
boyfriend is because he makes you feel special in a way that no other man
has ever done. This in part due to a lot of feminine traits but mostly because
CD's find women in general to be the ultimate pretty. So, we emulate them
to fill our need to feel pretty. I know my wife prefers to see me male but she
does understand my need to feel pretty. I hope when you sort it all out,
that you realize that it's only clothes and make up and really, what's so wrong with that? Now that you know, keeping things in perspective will be
important for both of you.
dear penny i am quoting you as i feel the same way as you do .i had to wait a very long time before i ever told my wife and i wish i would have told her a lot sooner.she understands my feelings to be pretty and also prefers to see me male but she realizes that the other part of me has to be dressed and feminine.also i hope kersteen and her girl friend will stay toghether ,they sound like a real lovely couple.:love:

[Holly]

Frazz, I'm so sorry about the pain that you are feeling. I hope that when you both have had a chance to digest all this that things will look differently. I am a MtF CDer with an accepting wife. We've been married over thirty-seven year (to each other :D ). It has not all been a bed of roses. even without my Cding, we've had our ups and downs, but I cannot imagine my life without my wife in it.

I'm disappointed in the way that things have turned out for you up to this point. From a Cders point of view, finding the level of acceptance that you have offered your BF is tantamount to striking the motherlode. How Kristeen could show such indifference is frankly, beyond my understanding.

However, you both have been through a lot this weekend and both have had and\ over abundance of information to process. And Kristeen, as you have indicated in your earlier posts is still struggling with her own level of acceptance. I think that she is not probably thinking in a rational manner. This, of course, in no way excuses her behavior, but may, in some small way, at least explain it.

Frazz, in several of your posts, you went to great lengths to express the depth of your feelings for Kristeen. Have your feelings for her changed that much, that quickly? I fully understand your disappointment in her reaction to you. Heck, I'm disappointed, too! Her indifference to your overatures of acceptance must be maddening.

You have not asked for any additional advice, but if you would permit me at least an observation... put a little time behind this. Give yourselves both a little time to process all that has been happening in the recent hours of your relationship. Give the alcohol a chance to dissipate and clear thinking to return (hers, not yours). Sit down and ask the basic question, are you better of with or without one another? You have expressed a need here, for Kristeen to commit to the next level in your relationship with one another. Ask her if she can do this, point blank. But in all fairness. please understand that this is not a TG/CD issue. This is the most basic of relationship questions... can you support me emotionally in a matter that is important and meaningful to me?

Frazz, you appear to be a warm and loving individual, one who is capable of a deep and caring relationship if she can find the one who will return those very qualities to her unselfishly. If not with Kristeen, I hope you find what you are looking for with someone. I am one of the few who have found it with my mate, and my experience is that it is without a doubt the highest of all prizes to attain. My sincerest best wishes to both of you. :hugs:

[weemoofrazz]

I thankyou Holly for your kind word's, my feeling's have never changed, but as a female, security and commitment are intrinsically linked when applied to all areas of the relationship, but primarily to having a successfull relationship on an intimate level, for me the lack of any security and the absence of any commitment has effected me deeply, I cannot even contemplate making love etc because in my mind, he doesn't love me enough and it's going nowhere, that adds up to feeling used and alot of male friends agree with me on that, and say that he really does want his cake and eat it!! I am aware that this is not a CD issue and as you pointed out is clearly a basic relashionship issue, that's why I thank you for your reply I did not expect any.

Kind regards
Frazz.

[kathy gg]

Hi,

I don't know if you will see this....but I am sorry you have learned this now,even then it is probably for the best before you conitinue investing more time and love. All I can tell you is that who ever does decide to fall in love with you ...the totally completely, can't live another second without you kind...is going to be so lucky. You have a very positive and shining vibe.

You are young, cool, and seem very kind you will move on. Some guys just dont' hit that committment stride till their 30's.....hence I always advise my girlfriends to date 'up' on the age thing. You did not say his age, but if he is in his 20's he is still figuring himself out.

I am betting 15 years from now when he is hooked up with an unaccepting wife you will look back fondly on what he gave up and kick himself in the butt!

take care and if you ever give a second thought to considering dating within this community send me an email, I found a prize husband in this community who wasted no time in carrying on dating forever and has been freaking awesome in every way.....
cleopatra_31@ureach.com

[DonnaT]

Sorry to hear that Frazz.:hugs:

[Annaliese]

I have only one thing to say he is a fool! he dose not know what he has.

Anna

[weemoofrazz]

Hi guy's, firstly I'de like to tell you all that I wasn't obviously just content to just let our relationship fold, because I was sure there was some other reason behind my boyfriends "commitment" issues than met the eye. We sat down and this time had the "big" talk, the one where you know it's make or break and I told him, your going to loose me and I want YOU to be sure that you know why....Long story short, though he may have issues relating to commitment which arise from his previous relationship, the primary reasons lay in his insecurities...He basically had told himself that somewhere along the lines I would have left him, partly because of his CDing and partly because as he put it I would just find some guy 10 times better!!! so he thought it would be saving himself and me heartache to end now than later when it would be even harder !!!! male logic ! lol. Anyway he also had an inheritant fear that I would tell someone about him, his family primarily and thought it would be safer if I just wasn't in a situation to be able to do that, if I was removed ! ...Anyway he actually had alot of issues that he needs to work through, some that I can't actually help him with other than being able to listen to him and others that we can both work through....

As for Kirsteen, well he has made for me what I see as a large step and something of a sacrafice..the whole online chat/online sex issue, really was the issue with Kirsteen for me, not her and her dressing just this, so girls he has taken a step to stoping that side of her, he used a site, thats where he could go to get it anytime he needed as he put it and now he has altered his profile, deleted all his contacts, emptied his mail box and only accesses the site when I am either here or he has told me that he would like to, and not for the online sex, just the support and conversation etc...Below is what his profile on the site now reads.....

"Well Girls,
After being here for over a year now, and having been on a rollercoaster ride of discovery, things have now changed dramatically in my life.
I have been seeing a wonderful GG now for around 7 months, and although I tried tentatively to initiate dressing, I was very worried about how she would react. Unfortunatley, this worry obviously showed, and she thought I was unhappy in our relationship, and discovered about Kirsteen on her own (finding an e.mail sent to me).
Fortunately, she has made it clear to me that she is not concerned about me being Kirsteen, and indeed has said that she will be happy to try and involve it in out relationship, which is asolutely wonderful.
Quite rightly, though, she feels a little cheated after finding out that I have been active on this site, and has asked me to limit this.
I have no real problem doing this, but I will miss chatting to the friends I have made, and of course, looking at all your wonderful pics ;)
Anyway, that's where Kirsteen is at the moment - hopefully the start of something better, not at the end of something fun.

If you send me a message, and I will reply when I check the site periodically, but don't expect a prompt reply !

Bye for now, and best wishes to you all.

Hugs, Kirsteen
xxx"


It's somewhere to start I guess. Thankyou so much again for your support and would hope that I will be able to remain a member here. :hugs:

[miss_sarah]

well, i can only echo the sentiments of the others, so as to not be repetitive we'll just say "Agree with most of the above" hehe :) I do hope you two can work out some of these common NON-CD relationship issues! Chances are he is in overload too - much like the roller coaster ride you've been taking. I'm willing to guess he's dealing with the shock of your actual acceptance of crossdressing which many would tell you is always our first major goal, but the way we "THOUGHT" we would feel and the way we "ACTUALLY" feel once accepted often aren't quite the same. If that makes much sense LOL I haven't had enough coffee yet this morning! :)

Non-CD issues aside, I'd also like to step in and take the realist position for a minute. You mentioned his firm standings on gender identity, sexuality, etc:


AnnaMaria, to follow up from your comments, my boyfriend/Kirsteen is not TS infact though I admit to having a basic understanding of the terms, he isn't even a TV, he has really strongly pointed out that he has absolutely no desire to dress outside the 4 walls of the home so to speak, he also has absolutely no attraction to men either, it's more about the sexy clothes and the really femine look, he say's that for him this is the biggest thrill, it's that he finds exciting and a turn on.

From a realist, I think you need to at least entertain the possibility that the above statements are absolute positivity -- in his current social and emotional state. That's to say - things can and do change. This isn't meant to question his statements or your belief in them at all, or scare doubts back into your mind about his identity, needs, sexuality, etc. because at this moment in time, it is likely gospel truth.

Humor me for a minute though... :) Consider the boy of 12 or 15 who is at the beginning of his crossdressing life experimenting with underwear, hosiery, etc. He is not at all interested in going out dressed, and it's likely at this stage to be a mostly sexual thing. He wouldn't have even DREAMED of a girlfriend knowing. Granted, this boy of 15 is just beginning to learn about himself in all aspects of his life, not just crossdressing. However, that same boy, 20 years later in his 30's may have grown to a whole new level. He may have begun dressing more frequently, or more completely (more than just underwear, etc). What's to say then, at 40, his self-image doesn't grow and morph some more? I mean, we're all molding ourselves in every aspect throughout our entire lives of course.

I say this only to plant a seed of preparation with you (any SO really). He may never move beyond this current stage, but I think everyone should remain open to the possibility, and be as prepared as possible to re-evaluate, discuss, give and take, and continue to rewrite the relationship's constitution as needed. I'll attest that this progression is true of myself, and from reading books and loads of forum posts here and elsewhere, it is true for many (not all - but many) others as well.

I would say that I was in the position Kirsteen is in during the time immediately following my "outing" Sarah to my wife. Her acceptance (as defined by allowing me to explore my personality in full, without inhibition, and mostly non-sexual participation in my crossdressing) has likely allowed me to grow beyond that to a "stage" where I *DO* wish to venture into the public as Sarah. OK, i'm a mere 27 now - but even 5 years ago I never would have even considered the thought. In the beginning, there was much sexual/sensual attached to my own crossdressing. Now that my femme is out of the closet more (at least with my wife), I find the taboo/sexual drive portion of crossdressing becoming more and more detached. (you'll find story after story of crossdressers who used to dress up, masturbate, become washed with guilt and shame and immediately change clothes back to "man". Often with acceptance, tolerance and freedom of self-expression that changes completely - either the guilt and shame dissipates, or the need for sexual relief while dressed is diminished).

Alas, I'm rambling too LOL I'll finish here - for better or worse, I hope you at least make an effort to hang out here from time to time - CD boyfriend or not. The level of intelligence you've shown is a refreshing thing on the internet sometimes, and I think all would agree we all have much to learn from one another.

[weemoofrazz]

Miss Sarah, I think your observations and comments are more than perceptive and have indeed given me food for thought, especially considering that Kirsteen doesn't really know, in her own words what drive or need is really behind the dressing, and although I am certain that at the minute it is clearly sexually motivated I had given a fleeting thought that it may be more, but never asked myself what I would do if it were. Thankyou, it's other peoples perspectives and views on this issue which I find are both helping me to cope with and address the issue and are also helping me to grow, to develope, accept and contemplate many other aspects that I may never have thought about before.

Food for thought Sarah, thanks.:happy: