Reasons to not come out?

[Kimberley]

There have been numerous posts about coming out in general, and particularly to your SO. All of the reasons are valid of course and I believe that any of us M2F or F2M in any “category” would prefer to be open about who and what we are, free of all the negatives. However, there are many, many reasons for staying closeted, and they are equally valid. Here are a few of my thoughts and please add to them.

While a few of these are ones personal to me, others are not.

Love of family and friends. To come out could or would destroy these relationships. Contrary to popular opinion, not all relationships can withstand our gender issues. It becomes a personal choice to hide this aspect of our lives.

Career. Again, many (particularly those who are older) are well established in careers and putting our CDing out there would halt it from any further advancement or ostracize us from many of our coworkers. Not all organizations have diversity policies. This of course could render us ineffective in our ability to perform.

Self Esteem. We simply have not the confidence in ourselves to put ourselves out there.

Safety. Like it or not we are lumped into the category of being gay by homophobics.

Privacy. Simply this is our deeply personal lifestyle (if you want to call it that) and we have absolutely no desire to share it with anyone. Period.

Comfort. “I am comfortable with who I am and see no reason to involve others.” Selfish or fact?

Please add to this list. I am sure there are many more reasons.

[Marla S]

I am sure there are many more reasons.

I think you covered it pretty much.

CDing has something to do with feeling pretty, comfortable, and relaxed. Being ridiculed, or being seen as a freak doesn't contribute to it.

Even if you're out and get a compliment by someone you can never be sure that the same person or others don't undermine your position now or later.

[Alex R]

Love of family has to be number one.

For those of us with kids, especially teenagers, the thought of how it would affect them is really frightening.

Some wives might (and do) accept or at least tolerate, but kids?......I don't know!

[Scotty]

Comfort. “I am comfortable with who I am and see no reason to involve others.” Selfish or fact?



That one describes my feelings about it, although someday I may get the nerve up to go out in public and share it with others.

[Kate Simmons]

Not understanding yourself.

[TGMarla]

Kimberley, well put.

[bulmabriefs144]

I live at home with parents that are kinda unenlightened about the whole matter (and don't know I dress) and think crossdressers are the same as gays. 0.02 If you asked me, I would move out pretty soon but I'm not really aggressive enough to seek a job (part of my girly personality), and pretty easygoing anyway. I usually stay home and do creative stuff like writing.

[Clare]

Love of family and friends. To come out could or would destroy these relationships. Contrary to popular opinion, not all relationships can withstand our gender issues. It becomes a personal choice to hide this aspect of our lives.
Especially for my Father who's had a particulary emotional time over the past few years and I don't want to 'burden' my crossdressing on him at this point.

Career. Again, many (particularly those who are older) are well established in careers and putting our CDing out there would halt it from any further advancement or ostracize us from many of our coworkers. Not all organizations have diversity policies.
Too true. Is the revelation of crossdressing worth ruining employment stability and it's longterm consequences?

Self Esteem. We simply have not the confidence in ourselves to put ourselves out there.
A valid point, but personally i'm working on this aspect and are 'getting there.'...

[sportschick]

I'm in the same camp..although I respect the feelings of those who feel strongly about "coming out", including those GG's who say they would feel more betrayed by it being kept from them, there are no circumstances that would get me to volunteer the information. Too many people would be crushed by it, not to mention my life as I know it ruined. CDing isn't important enough to me to put them or myself through that.

[joanlynn28]

Unfortunately I do not have that option anymore. Since being outed by my SO I cannot hide who and what I am any longer. And you know what I am much happier about it now. Because now I no longer have to hide it in secretcy anymore and I am free to be open about it now. It is a great feeling to be finally out of the closet and into day light. Sure I am losing my relationship with my wife and my home but now I can live my life as the person that I really am deep inside.0.02

[Delila]

I agree that in alot of situations coming out is not a good idea until we are more publicly accepted. But at the very least if you can bring yourself to do it your SO should be made aware as i think they have the right.

[Bev06 GG]

Love of family has to be number one.

For those of us with kids, especially teenagers, the thought of how it would affect them is really frightening.

Some wives might (and do) accept or at least tolerate, but kids?......I don't know!
Couldn't agree more Lucinda. Kids have alot to contend with nowadays and the pressures on them can be quite overwhelming so why give them even more to deal with.
BEVxxx

[gennee]

I wanted to tell my SO in the future but when she found my stuff, I told her. I won't tell anyone else because my livelihood would be affected. I'm content with that decision and see no value in telling others. My family is the most important thing.

Gennee:straightface:

[Siobhan Marie]

I would be ripped to pieces at work and possibly lose my job

:hugs: Anna x

[Casey Morgan]

Health and well-being of the person we're contemplating coming out to. I've been considering coming out to my parents but this is definately not the right time. My grandfather (my mother's father, all my other grandparents are gone) is really not doing well. His health is so poor his kids decided he can't live on his own anymore. It seems like every time my mother calls my aunt (he's living with her) he's slightly worse off than the last time.

My mother and I are going to visit/take care of him the week after next. Once or twice I heard her say "if" we go down. The only thing that would keep her from making the trip is if he was in the hospital or a nursing home. She hasn't talked it much but I get the feeling she's preparing herself for the inevitable. She doesn't need my problems right now.

And I won't tell one without telling the other. Given our family dynamic it just wouldn't be fair.

[Ranee Daze]

For myself, I am sure now that a big part of the thrill of dressing and going out as Ranee was the secrecy, and the constant danger of getting caught.
Getting home at the end of an outing and flopping down in a chair and saying, you did it again, baby! Was very rewarding. Getting close to getting caught was a thrill. I have shared elevators with people I know who didn't have a clue of my manself. I a MAC makeover done by a girl my son went to school with and she said not a thing, except that I looked really pretty.
Coming out frankly would have taken away a bit of the....sport. I wonder if ladies who are out work as hard at makeup and fashion as the closeted ones?
Read Sherylnn's post from a month ago where she thought she got read by a policeman. It was a bit of a thrill for her.
Coming out means, in a big way, that some of the party is over....

[Bonnie D]

One item that is missing is "financial". You have to take into account that if you came out to your SO and he/she would not accept you for whatever reason, lieing for so long being a big one. Then you have to be able to support yourself. This can be quite difficult because most couples have difficulty living from one pay cheque to another even on two salaries. Now try to add all the additional costs to living on your own on top of paying for anything you were previously paying for. Living on your own doesn't mean that you leave your SO holding the financial bag without your help.

To add to 'Love of family and friends', the friends I'm not too worried about, the family I am. My wife, son and daughter see me for who I should be and who I am they just don't see the other part of me. She is well hidden for a reason. They won't be able to deal with her not totally at least. As I've been reading on another thread and have read before, it is very difficult for accepting SOs to deal with especially since they were told about it after marriage and in many cases after many years of marriage. So even though honesty is the best policy, which should be done before commitments are made, it can be difficult to accept after so many years of dishonesty.


Bonnie

[avawho]

One reason I have kept a very low profile is that if the rest of my peers in the industry I am engaged within had even so much as a whiff of me being "different"... I'd have a very hard time getting much work...
I Can't wait until I'm retired...

Cheers
Ava

[older not wiser]

I agree with Bev on this one, the kids have enough to deal with w/o the added burden that"dad is different". For me I'm the grandfather and my daughter and 3 kids have moved back in with me and the wife, (daughter gotten divorced) how could I tell my daughter "that there is another female in the house" It wouldn't fly and the look that I would get would be devastating, I know. This is my reason for not coming out!

Love; BonnieAnne

[wendy]

kimberly, i think you've covered all the reasons why not to come out.

For me, love of family/friends, they may not understand what it feels like to be a CD and may lump it as being gay, which I am not.

[Kimberley]

Wendy, I couldnt agree more. My wife is a counsellor (go figure) and she equates it with being gay on an emotional not professional level.

I have tried to tell her that the representation of gays in the TG community is no different than the population at large however she sees some feminine traits I have and equates it on an emotional level. The other huge barrier with her is her religious conviction.

Thanks to all for the anecdotal input. This is the sort of thing that can help people. Let's try and keep this one alive.

:hugs: to all.
Kimberley

[Lisa Golightly]

I never really got the competetive aspect some ascribe to 'being out'. It is a bit like extreme sports in some cases...

'So have you done clubs?' 'Yeah'... 'What about the mall?' Yeah'... 'Folks?' 'Yeah'... 'Hormones? Facial Surgery?' etc.

I think it is better to be a secret dresser than a secret drinker... Enjoy who you are, how you like, when you like.

x

[~Kitty GG~]

I personally believe its a matter of degrees.

If your dressing is a totally private thing. So it doesn't affect anyone else and you're happy that way. An example would be fetish dressing or dressing infrequently and so a stolen bit of time very occassionally is all you really need.. Then I see no reason to tell anyone.

If your dressing affects your spouse in any way. (examples: dressing causes you to be moody or depressed; You resent not having time away from the spouse; you have to lie regularly to keep it hidden) Then I would think she should be allowed to choose whether this is the marriage for her. I don't think any of us wants to be the buyer in a "bait & switch" or "swampland as investment property" deal. But that doesn't mean coming out to the whole world. A couple's private life should be private.

If your dressing means that you want more freedom, say to be able to roam the house or dress and go out to meetings or gatherings without having to rent a hotel room. Then I think that the family should know. And children's friends wouldn't have to be sent a memo.. So it would still be contained.

If you want to go farther and let your femme self have a more active part in your life.. Then I'd let extended family or friends know.

Only if you want to go 24/7 do I think that work and the general public would have to find out.

So in my opinion its a "need to know" basis.

I do disagree with the idea that its right not to tell the SO, cuz if the SO left it would cause a financial struggle. Because that goes against my principles of why you'd marry someone and what each partner has vowed to give the other partner. I also disagree with not telling an SO because they might not accept or could leave. Because I'm only saying to tell them if it has an effect. And if that's the case then I think that both partners should have the same choices and information.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[Kimberly]

Comfort. “I am comfortable with who I am and see no reason to involve others.” Selfish or fact?
Flip this on it's head for a second...

"I am comfortable with who I am and therefore I can share it with others."

I've only ever told friends and immediate family. All my friends seem very ok with it, and no one has treated me any differently. Some are more active than others; have seen me dressed, taken me shopping etc. Whilst some just know about me, and don't really speak to me much about it - mainly because I present myself as a man in public and most of the time.



Love of family and friends. To come out could or would destroy these relationships. Contrary to popular opinion, not all relationships can withstand our gender issues. It becomes a personal choice to hide this aspect of our lives.
This is true however. In telling my father, I have distanced him. Whilst my mother is doing her best to accept this within me, and seems very forthcoming in talking about it and helping me take care of my clothes, my father has blocked it out. He knows, but that's as far as he's taking it. And it seems very difficult for him... he thinks the worst: no wife, no family, I'm gay. It seems his ultimate goal for me was to have a family - grandchildren - but he's sure he won't get any now.

Who knows what a million possibilities there will be in my lifetime, though - and a million different paths to choose. You can't rule these things out.

Saying that, my father has still taken it well - he doesn't treat me any differently - but there's something within me that he doesn't address.

[Amelie]

I agree that one shouldn't do things that might wreck their lives.


This might be good advise for others, but for me,,, no.

I so much wanted to be a girl,,,t-girl, that I did wreck one thing, I don't speak with most of my family anymore. And I have no regrets in this, I really don't care if I ever see any of them again. So, maybe calling it a wreck is wrong.

As far as friends, all my friends don't care or they like me as a girl. Even the tough guys that I know, don't care. They just accept me for being strange or whatever they call it and they don't mess with me, some secretly like me.

Job,, well, there is always money to be made. I might not be rich man, but I am a happy girl. One just has to find other ways to get money, instead of the 9 to 5 way.

Kids, I knew right from the start that having kids wasn't for me, so this point is no problem for me.

Fear, as in being bashed by homophobes. I have to worry about this whether I am a man or a woman so I might as well be a woman. I have the same fears that a woman has when she goes out. Anyway, I grew up in the Bronx, I have been able to handle a few of these situations.

Everyone should be happy with what they do. Dress in secret, dress part time, dress and go out, keep the family together, don't rock the boat, all these things are OK,,,,,,,,but for me, I would wreck every thing for the chance to be a girl, I would hurt anyone who got in my way of me wanting to be a girl,,, good thing is,,, not many people got in my way.

[Siobhan Marie]

There have been numerous posts about coming out in general, and particularly to your SO. All of the reasons are valid of course and I believe that any of us M2F or F2M in any “category” would prefer to be open about who and what we are, free of all the negatives. However, there are many, many reasons for staying closeted, and they are equally valid. Here are a few of my thoughts and please add to them.

While a few of these are ones personal to me, others are not.

Love of family and friends. To come out could or would destroy these relationships. Contrary to popular opinion, not all relationships can withstand our gender issues. It becomes a personal choice to hide this aspect of our lives.

Career. Again, many (particularly those who are older) are well established in careers and putting our CDing out there would halt it from any further advancement or ostracize us from many of our coworkers. Not all organizations have diversity policies. This of course could render us ineffective in our ability to perform.

Self Esteem. We simply have not the confidence in ourselves to put ourselves out there.

Safety. Like it or not we are lumped into the category of being gay by homophobics.

Privacy. Simply this is our deeply personal lifestyle (if you want to call it that) and we have absolutely no desire to share it with anyone. Period.

Comfort. “I am comfortable with who I am and see no reason to involve others.” Selfish or fact?

Please add to this list. I am sure there are many more reasons.

:iagree: with everything you have said Kimberley and can add no more to it, even though I have commented on this before.

:hugs: Anna x

[Allie931]

I definatly agree with you on those reasons...

The biggest one for me at the moment is my relationship with my GF

All though all those reasons are good, i would be more comfortable with myself if i could come out.... its just a very hard decision :strugglin

[immike]

Lucinda;I am a 42 yr old single,unmarried crossdresser.I would be petrified
to be found out by family,but kids would be the worst.I am a closet
crossdresser,and I am guilty of wearing my mothers clothes,namely her
dresses,heels,etc.I am further guilty of dressing in her good business suits
and silk blouses,with pantyhose&heels.

[Michelle_cd_girl]

I worry about my kids, and perhaps moreso about my stepkids and the potential fallout from their father who would be naturally homophobic and potentially ballistic. My wife knew about my alter ego before we were married, so it's a real relief that part is not an issue for me.

Although my young daughters would love to see me in a princess getup, I think the boys would feel betrayed, confused, and like they had lost a male role model, and they lack the experience and wisdom to process it.

I have come out to a couple of longstanding male friends as well, who were very accepting.

I guess in being selective and coming out in a controlled environment to a select group, you can have support without all the fear.

Michelle

[Ms. Donna]

The more we hide, the greater the likelyhood we will be discovered: eventually, all secrets become know - intentionally or not.

If you choose to share this part of your self, it is on your terms: you are in control the situation. If, however, it is not your choice, then someone else is in control - not you. The best for which you can hope is to mitigate the damage as you will have lost the advantage.



The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the
enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him;
not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact
that we have made our position unassailable.





-- Sun Tzu --


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[michellecd9999]

I have not told my wife because, while I don't think she would leave me, I think it would cause some problems in our relationship and would put a lot of stress on her. I would NOT tell my sons or other family. I would not come out to anyone that knows my male side. I would (and have) come out to other CDers in the area at a Tri-ess meeting, but none of them know my male side.

[carol ann]

Kimberley

I am with you 100%.

[Sky]

Love of family and friends. To come out could or would destroy these relationships. Contrary to popular opinion, not all relationships can withstand our gender issues. It becomes a personal choice to hide this aspect of our lives.

While your list is already comprehensive, I'd like to add a point to the "destroy the relationship" concept: our wives / girlfriends / significant others did not choose us for how great we looked in pantyhose. While some may think it's only natural for us to come out and let her know what we kept in our closet for all these years, she has all the right to feel betrayed. I'm not saying she "has to", as many cd's maintain a healthy relationship after coming out to their SOs, but she has the right to. To believe otherwise is to be selfish: "well, she has to understand and love me for what I am". Not really, unless you had the balls to tell her the moment you met her, in which case she would have had the option to say "no, thanks!" and run away.

[~Kitty GG~]

If you asked me, I would move out pretty soon but I'm not really aggressive enough to seek a job (part of my girly personality), and pretty easygoing anyway. I usually stay home and do creative stuff like writing.

I think if that's a "girly trait" 99% of people would profess to be girls if it means none of us have to accept the responsiblities of being adults and making a living.

I don't see sponging off others as a girly trait.

~Kitty~

[Cheery GG]

I live at home with parents that are kinda unenlightened about the whole matter (and don't know I dress) and think crossdressers are the same as gays. 0.02 If you asked me, I would move out pretty soon but I'm not really aggressive enough to seek a job (part of my girly personality), and pretty easygoing anyway. I usually stay home and do creative stuff like writing.

I am quite upset by your remark to be honest....im sick of standing on the side lines here and watching gg's be ripped to peices.....i do believe you are getting mixed up with the words ...'aggresive'...and 'assertive'.....

Being aggresive gets you nowhere in life, absolutely nowhere, it just makes enemies.....however being assertive can and does make positive differences if used in the correct manner at the right time and place.

maybe you should consider educating yourself....on basic english....for a start and then maybe educating your parents too, on the reasons why men need to crossdress......

If you think being a gg or being a woman or being 'girly' as you put it means that we cant get jobs or get through life because we are not aggresive is a completely incorrect statemtn in your part.

I, for one have two children, have had to rebuild my life twice due to failed relationships....and am now single handedly raising two children and studying for a batechelor of science degree.....So dont tell me because i am a woman that i get cope with agrresion.....

Always cheery :D
xx

[Sky]

I am quite upset by your remark to be honest....im sick of standing on the side lines here and watching gg's be ripped to peices.....i do believe you are getting mixed up with the words ...'aggresive'...and 'assertive'.....

You're being a little too hard on bulma. He seems to be a young person, still closeted, a little insecure of where are things going now, and that is a condition the vast majority of us can relate to, at least at some point in our lives. If he is fully closeted he may need somebody to talk to, and that's what this forum is for. And I don't believe he had any intention to rip gg's to pieces.

[Sharon]

Well..., Bulma did say creative writing was an interest, and, besides, this particular member hasn't been on site since the post was placed a month ago.

Maybe she's studying to enter high school this coming Autumn? :D

[connie rotten]

The closet can be a thrilling place to go. The whole suspence of it is the risk of your secret getting out. Gving up that much totally selfish fun is a lot to ask.

[Sky]

Well..., Bulma did say creative writing was an interest, and, besides, this particular member hasn't been on site since the post was placed a month ago.

Maybe she's studying to enter high school this coming Autumn? :D

Which raises the never-ever answered question: how much of what we read here is true?

I have to leave now, just got a call from Hollywood to replace Angelina in a movie. :tongueout

[Tamara Croft]

I would move out pretty soon but I'm not really aggressive enough to seek a job (part of my girly personality), and pretty easygoing anyway.I could think of other ways to phrase this, but I'd have to ban myself :Angry3:

I can't add anything more to what Kimberly has said, but I think the main fear is losing ones family/job. I first heard my Tam say this last year and it was quite heart renching listening to him on the radio saying how coming out could affect his life. :(

[Stormgirl]

You're in the military?