Does my husband want sex with other cd's?

[Jean GG]

Hello everyone:
this is my first post...and I welcome any insight into my problem as I feel it is serious, and the ups/downs can be brutal. I APOLOGIZE in advance for its length, but if you are to give me your thoughts/advice, you should have as much information as possible. Very briefly: I discovered my husband's cd six months AFTER we were married. We are now married seven years. I understood why he had hidden cd from me and concentrated on helping him/us ant re-building our trust.

I bought/buy him things, nice things, just about anything he wants, and told him he could dress at home whenever he needed to. My only condition was that he STOP frequenting the cd club he used to go to as it was for cd's only (he had told me how he had been propositioned on several occasions but that he replied that he was not into that sort of thing as he is stricly heterosexual).

In 2004 my husband was going through far more hell than I realized...it was hell for both of us BUT mostly for reasons outside of ourselves. I thought we were united in all the challanes we faced. Regardlesss, he stopped having sexual interest in me and told me it was his work situation, that once that was resolved we would be back on track. I believed him and kept handling the rejection as a temporary thing. Later I discovered that he had dug himself a hole so deep, all I could do was concentrate on how I was going to dig him out of it.

Among other things, he was communicating w/other cd's on a tg/tv site pretending to be interested in meeting up and having sex with them (again, throughout all of this, he was telling me that his sex drive had gone and would eventually return). I say pretending because this is what he later told me.

Myhusband has NOT always been a strong man. He is all the things we wives fall in love with when falling in love with a crossdresser. I feel that he is getting stronger and claims that I have helped him with that. And, to make things clear...I DO LOVE HIM...often I ask myself why...but I do!

THE PROBLEM: I can't get out of my mind, which is further reinforced by some of the exchange here, that he might have had encounters of a sexual nature with other cd's and fear that he might still be interested in that.

I don't remember my husband complementing me the way he complemented some of those cd's ON THAT SITE! As defensive and as desperate as it may sound...they usually looked rather sleazy and I am considered classy and very sexy (albeit I consider this secondary to the uncovential love and support I give him). I am fully aware that men often prefer sleazy women...but...I can be that too...under the right circumstances. Now I don't even want to be sexy anymore...never mind sleazy.

The top it all off...I was propositioned by two different men on separate occasions...and when I told my husband, not only he did not seem to care...but initially did not even believe it (I suppose I have the need to keep proving to you that...I an easy on the eyes!).

He says his sexual desire for me is starting to return (this also upsets me because I feel I am being 'parked' for whenever he is ready to take me out for a ride!) but I now fear that if he makes any overtures, I will pull away becasue of my anger and further fear of rejecton. I believe in healthy anger, but my anger seems...scared anger...and not the healthiest.

Recently, after a big watershed figh, he told me he cannnot believe how much pain he has put me through and that I am a beautiful, caring, giving woman and how lucky he is to have me in his life. He said we are NOW on a new path because this last fight was make or break for us. Sometimes he seems aware of his destructive actions, other times not (he was seriously bullied in boarding schools hence a major reason for many of his problems).

HOW CAN I COME TO TERMS WITH MY HUSBAND'S LACK OF INTEREST IN ME? Does it have to do with his interest elsewhere or can it really be the stress/problems we have faced in the past few years? I WOULD RATHER KNOW THAN BURY MY HEAD IN THE SAND. Does anyone have any past experiences with sort of thing...and if so...would you mind sharing them?

********************
After writing this, my husband rang me as he is away for a few days. I was able to tell him very clearly how I feel, and he seemed genuinely concerned for me. One thing about writing all of this is that it has given me a clearer idea of where my head is and it makes me less fearful of telling him how I feel. He continues to tell me that he loves me, that he is not interested in sex with other cd's, and that he does NOT want to let me go. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE/THINK ANY MORE! Please tell me what you think.
Thank Y O U...very much!!!
jean

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Jean

I am really sorry that you find yourself in this position.
We crossdressers are a varied group of whom the vast majority are hetrosexual. You husband has to sit down with you and have a totally honest discussion. It may be that he sees the idea of chatting with other cd's with a view to meeting is to take it further It could also be it is a role he feel he has to play sometimes. There will be very few CD's who have not considered at one time the possibility of having sex with anothe CD or a man. However that does not mean he would go that far.

You say he has dug a hole for himself , which leads me to think his actions are some kind of defence mechanism as he may see himself being dressed as someone different with no responsibilty for his other problems.

I hope he realises that you are trying to be supportive but you also need to have limits which you can both live with.
It is going to take a while for you to regain trust in him.
You may want to speak with a counsellor who specialises in transgender issues.

I hope this has been of some help.

[Annesah]

Jean,

That's an awsome mix of stuff you present! I'm not qualified to address the emotional and psycological issues. All I can offer is my experience regarding stress as it relates to libido. I am normally very sexed up but intense stress has sometimes reduced it to zero! I don't know why.....just does. I hope things work out for you. You seem a very good person. Best wishes, Annesah

[sharifemme]

Jean...

Welcome to the site!

I understand your struggles even though I am on the "opposing team." As a transgender person, I am often depressed, stressed, and distressed over my relationship with my wife who is tolerant of my femme side. Alternately, I have many times where I am very happy with who I am and what I am and her support of that part of me. Through it all, I love my wife more each day.

However, as far as intimacy goes, it seems to be on the wane. Anymore, I get maybe two kisses a day, no hugs or touching, and certainly nothing more. I really do miss the special stuff, but I accept that I am probably the cause of it all. You see, I had hidden my second self from my wife for over 30 years and tend to view criticism as rejection. I think she looks at me and sees a liar, a cheat, and someone who wants to transition with hormones and surgery. Yes, I lied to her and she may feel cheated because I have such a preoccupation with being femme, but I am not interested in transition, sex with men(or other women), or anything much past where I am now. I really want to be close to her only and to share all of me with all of her.

I do know CD's who are gay or bisexual and do proposition others. But I do know many who don't. Gays and bisexuals are pretty much like us heteros. There are ones who have to have honey on their stingers all the time and those who are less promiscuous or even committed or celibate. I can't say which group your husband would fit into but I hope he has not been experimenting with others and is faithful to you. There is just no way to tell for sure. In the end, you know your husband best and are best able to judge his character

I know I haven't been much help but maybe it will help you a little to know that someone else shares your pain because of TG produced stress in relationships. I'll be praying for you!

Sharifemme

[DonnaT]

Hi Jean, sorry you are in such stress.

Have you considered a marriage councelor?

I would like to sugggest that you not let your fears get the best of you. You should talk more to your husband when you have issues. Don't try to hold them in, because sooner or later they'll come bursting out in anger. Anger is not constructive to honest communication.

You say your husband isn't a strong man, so when faced with your anger, he may withdraw into his shell and avoid honest communication, saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Note that stress can have an affect on one's libido, as can other medical problems. Has he been to a doctor for a physical recently?

As for your husband wanting sex with another CD, anything is possible. However, I may be way off base here, but I'm more inclined to believe that his actions online are more of a stress reducer to get his mind off of the problems at work. If this is the case, he could even be having fantacy sex through self gratification. If so, then that can become addictive and once he releaves himself, then that will leave no room for sex with you. Does he cloase the door to where the computer is? Does he go to a quiet place (like the bathroom) after getting off the computer?

If this is the case, then he needs to have his online time monitored. Ask him to stay off certain sites for a week or two. When he's online, try to be in the same room with him.

[EricaCD]

Wow. (And not in a good way.)

First of all, welcome to the group. And please don't ever feel self-conscious about long posts, etc.

Based on what you wrote, I honestly cannot tell whether your husband secretly harbors a desire to be with other TG/CDs. As you are no doubt aware, many CDs are totally hetero while others definitely have their sexual preferences "morph" while en femme. Some hold the line at fantasy; others need to indulge their fem selves more directly.

Good news, after a fashion: I would not fret too much about your husband complimenting other cds while not doing the same to you. The purpose of many cd sites (this one included) is to lend support, and cds tend to err on the side of effusiveness in praising our collective beauty :) And we all know that too many husbands--and I am certainly guilty--take their beautiful spouses for granted. Also, with regard to his sexy online play, it may well be that your husband's sexual teasing in the online world is a safe way to explore gay or bisexual fantasies without actually pursuing another man.

On the other hand, his secretiveness, lack of sex drive and pattern of apathy followed by apology are all suspicious. And it seems clear that, even if he is not pursuing in-person encounters, he is directing much of his sexual energy into a fantasy life rather than his real life. This in turn is reinforcing your (implicitly acknowledged) self-esteem issues...

I am not usually one who suggests counseling as a first step, but in your case given the multiple threads of concern it may make sense. If you don't want to start there, I think your best bet would be to mutually agree to some ground rules regarding your husband's online and cd activities. For example, if you don't want him flirting with other cds online, he should be able to respect that desire.

I wish you all the best in working this out. If you would like to discuss off-forum please feel free to PM me.

Erica

PS: Sorry if the foregoing sounds like psychobabble......

[Vallerie]

This sounds so familiar. I was making love to my wife often and hard. Then I had this urge to crossdress. I would buy my stuff, hide it and then when I was alone with the urge put it on. But I did not stay at home. I went out driving to drive ups and odering coffee or taccos. Whatever. While that made me feel good the wife hated anything to do with my pantyhose, bras, high heels, dresses, sweaters and make up. Seems she was jealous of what I had and how I looked.

She still hates that part of me. I wish I woud know someone how to help me guide my fun and not threaten her. I love my family and I love my clogthes also. ok.

Vallerier

[Christina Nicole]

Hi Jean
There will be very few CD's who have not considered at one time the possibility of having sex with anothe CD or a man. However that does not mean he would go that far.


Hello Jean,

No one really can help you with the situation you are faced with without speaking to you, your husband, and then both of you together. I'd strongly suggest seeing a marriage councilor. However, be leery of transgender issue specialists. I personally know of a few who derive a great deal of their business and therefore their incomes from TGs. I suspect from what these experts say, that they have shaded and colored their counseling to the point where they have lost their objectivity and have become TG cheerleaders. Find a councilor who is familiar with TG issues, but does not specialize in them.

Shelly's statement that there are very few crossdressers who have not considered homosexual relations is patently false based upon the articles I have read that were written by respected researchers. I have met (in person) many crossdressers over the years. I have only met one who wanted sex with another crossdresser. (He was pretty grotesque about it, too.)

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[Anita Mae GG]

maybe it is stress??? my husband and i are going through the same thing. he has NO sex drive right now, or interest in me. he says he just tired all the time etc. i don't doubt him for a minute but I think maybe it is possible your husband is just feeling tired and stressed

BTW, Welcome to our little family here :hugs:

[carol ann]

Jean - men do have fantasies - lets face it, crossdressing is a fantasy but if it reaches the stage when it interferes with wife or partner realtionships then it needs talking through. i don't know how long gyou have been together por what your sex life was like previously but crossdressing and fantasies arising with it can be a consequence of the romance having beeing lost out of your marriage. it amy be worthwhile trying gto see if you can put a little more spice back into iit - perhap by cooking him his favourite meal and wearing saucy undies.

Tammy Marie - your husband certainly needs help - you are just incredibly beautiful - you would attract any man.

[btmgrl6]

i have found that when a thread having to do with sexuall preference comes up in these forums, most state that they are heterosexual. And from what I have read most cd's are.....hetero.
Maybe your husband has just found that he can relates to the others he meets on-line. There have been numerous posts by cd's who want to come out to their SO, or hoping to meet others for sharing. Who better to share with than another cd? He may have just gotten caught up for a minute and needs a wake up call..
He needs to understand that you are priority number 1...cd'ing second.

Just my opinion.

Steph

[Kate Simmons]

Whew! That's a tough one Jean. The feelings going through a CD's head are complicated sometimes. You obviously love your husband very much and he is indeed a fortunate guy. If my wife had the attitude you do, there is no way in New York that I would even consider being with someone else. Some guys are attracted to other "women" even though they dress themselves. Call it fantasy or whatever especially if the other person tends to dress suggestively. It may be a wish to be like that or meet the person as it can be exciting. As CD's we tend to (like women) compare ourselves to others who we may feel look nicer for whatever reason. Guys are guys sometimes regardless and have daydreams about possibly being with someone else. The "grass" is always greener until you get there and have to mow the lawn. When I am with someone it's not about playing a role so much as it is about enjoying that person's company and getting to know them. Some guys don't even know what their own feelings are and end up being confused. It doesn't hurt as you put it that you are easy on the eyes but the fact that you care for him so much goes a long way in my book. Sounds to me you both have to get your feelings out and discuss things. There is no easy answer to this and no rule book. I value people for who they are and it sounds like you do as well. Just my thoughts. Take care, Ericka Kay

[Jean GG]

Thank YOU from the bottom of my heart to all of you!!! As a result of writing this post, and getting some very useful information, my husband is now speaking more honestly about his cd and I think we have hope of enjoying our lives together once we flush out the lies. Truth is...I want to believe him...and help him...BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIVE! And, it's hard to help someone when you don't know the full/true story! This is why I "TRY" to present you with an honest and balanced picture of our situation.

My husband now does seem to say that indeed it is his sex drive that has gone because he feels inadequate with me. I was the one with a very successful career whereas he has been unable to get his off the ground. I am trying to do all I can to boost his ego/self esteem...but I believe that some of it has to come from the inside. Also, if I do this too much, he does get a bit selfish and self absorbed!

He now tells me that he did dress much more frequently than he had led me to believe and that he needs to do so and with other cd's.

About one year ago, when everything unravelled, I discovered various pictures of him and another cd on the pc (separate pictures, nothing compromising albeit the other cd had some sexy poses). My husband continued to cover up everything. I eventually found this cd's phone no and rang him. Interstingly enough, he helped me through my initial crisis, for a few days. My brother then died and I was gone for 6-8 weeks and never had any contact with him again.

This other cd was a nice enough man and I was grateful for his reassurance that nothing had taken place between him and my husband (this was AT MY HOUSE while I was gone). He seemed very open and honest. He said he was married, that his wife would be upset if she knew, and that he had had homesexual experiences in his late teen and early twenties because of the way he felt about dressing up...he thought he must be gay. But that only helped him to realize that he was a cd NOT gay (he is now early 40's as my husband). He is the only other cd I have ever met.

The final twist during this period is that I also intercepted a text message from a highly paid prostitute!!!!!!! Apparently she was one of these travelling ones who text her clients when she came to our area. This is a double edge sword...the pain...and at the same time...it was a woman!!! He says he only saw her once, that he wanted sex without emotion...and that he had NOT intended to go back to her. He said he had brought shoes and stockings to wear, but that she did not allow him to do so (I have! I have been intimate with my husband many times with him fully dressed!).

DO YOU NOW SEE WHY IT'S SO HARD TO BELIEVE ANYTHING MY HUSBAND TELLS ME??? My husband says he NEVER WOULD HAVE TOLD ME about his cd if I had not accidently discovered it. THIS IS FOR EVERY CD OUT THERE: I ASKED HIM IF KNOWING WHAT HE KNOWS ABOUT ME TODAY, WHETHER OR NOT HE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME...AND HE SAYS "YES"! For those who believe it's best to hide it, you are missing the chance to have a genuine/honest relationship at the cost of A LOT OF HEARTACHE & STRESS.

AGAIN, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE. WHAT I DO BELIEVE IS THAT I MARRIED A VERY TROUBLED SOUL WHO IS ENTITLED TO LOVE, DIGNITY AND KINDNESS AND PERHAPS THAT IS WHY GOD PUT US TOGETHER BUT HOW MUCH CAN I TAKE BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT?

We genuinely have good days too...it's just that they are not as often, anymore, as the bad ones. Simply have to reverse this trend!

We are in theraphy and have intensily been so in the past year+. We have just found a new therapist that seemes much better than the last one who believed that our only option was divorce! The art of theraphy is not as developed where we live. We don't want to divorce, because we still remember our good times and believe we can re-create them. Am I being naive?

Thank you once more for your kindness in reading and responding. I know it's a lot to digest.
jean

[Jillian310]

I cannot begin to get into either of your's heads, the situation is much too complicated and wrenchng to merely throw oneself's 2cents in. But I do pass this along for what it is worth: I love to be dressed in the company of other CDs to party or just sit and chat with a pot of coffee or a few glasses of wine. At those encounters, there is absolutely no sexual component. Morever, it would be insulting to have any sexual issues inserted into what is essentially fun hen parties. I keep my sexual activities separate and apart from those wonderful get togethers.

[Faye Emmette]

Gosh Jean, I do so much wish you can be together happily forever.
All opinions here will differ and mine is that the only honesty from your hubby has been when he's been caught. You are most gracious in believing the prostitute was a 'once only' and the other CD you found out about was 'not for hanky-panky'.
My dear, there are/were good times in all relationships and I only think it fair that you live a life that is eqaully as much fun as your husbands.
Reverse the roles and think, would he think it OK for you to be seeing other people in secrecy?
"Oh Jim, I only saw the prostitute once for unemotional sex".
"That woman I was secretly seeing til you caught me was a lesbian but not anymore".
O'course all the answers mightn't be possible from a forum (and definitely not me) but you must start to get thinking of yourself as much as you do him.
XX
F.

[Jean GG]

I wish to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my long posts. Based on your responses and emails I was able to see my situation more clearly and have been able to make sense of some of the things that have happened.

I asked my husband to think about what he WANTS, NEEDS, & CAN'T DO WITHOUT! Then I asked him to tell me "ONLY" WHAT HE COULD NOT DO WITHOUT and he said it was me! Well...that a start! Next I might tackle what he NEEDs..........but no WANTS for a while!!!!!!!! Bottom line, we are communicating more openly and honestly (well...he is as I always have!) and this seems to be making ALL the difference.

He has repeatedly told me that he has no interest in other men. I am NOT easily convinced but as I look into his eyes, I believe him.

What many of you have taught me is that I too have rights and should NOT be afraid of stating them. I told him we would be equal in the marriage WHEN HE LEARNS TO PUT MY NEEDS ON THE SAME LEVEL AS HIS! Lastly...I said that if it took him close to 30 years to get comfortable with his cd...he CANNOT EXPECT ME TO DO IT IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME!

BY HELPING ME...YOU HAVE HELPED HIM...and us.

Today is an up day...I now take things one day at a time!
I send you all a ray of sunshine!
jean

[Jean GG]

Donna:

as I re-read the EXTREMELY helpful responses you have all sent me...I realize that yours describes my husband most closely!

Maybe I did let my fear get the best of me. Since he does NOT like to communicate (but has been doing so for the past month or so), my feelings always went unexpressed and then the anger kicked in. His way of dealing with my anger was to get angrier than me...and the cycle went on and on.

We are in counseling, but living in a very small country, little is available.

However things are improving...maybe I will write a new thread and let everyone how much their caring has helped.

I send you all a ray of sunshine,
jean


Hi Jean, sorry you are in such stress.

Have you considered a marriage councelor?

I would like to sugggest that you not let your fears get the best of you. You should talk more to your husband when you have issues. Don't try to hold them in, because sooner or later they'll come bursting out in anger. Anger is not constructive to honest communication.

You say your husband isn't a strong man, so when faced with your anger, he may withdraw into his shell and avoid honest communication, saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Note that stress can have an affect on one's libido, as can other medical problems. Has he been to a doctor for a physical recently?

As for your husband wanting sex with another CD, anything is possible. However, I may be way off base here, but I'm more inclined to believe that his actions online are more of a stress reducer to get his mind off of the problems at work. If this is the case, he could even be having fantacy sex through self gratification. If so, then that can become addictive and once he releaves himself, then that will leave no room for sex with you. Does he cloase the door to where the computer is? Does he go to a quiet place (like the bathroom) after getting off the computer?

If this is the case, then he needs to have his online time monitored. Ask him to stay off certain sites for a week or two. When he's online, try to be in the same room with him.

[Khriss]

..alls I have to say is..Jumping to conclusions is eazy!
..seeking the truth or asking for some help (for Me!?) is tough!
..glad You joined us Jean ! ..and Welcome ! :) xx"K"

[Jean GG]

Well...jumping to conclusions, UNFORTUNATELY, is what one does when one's spouse refuses to communicate...anyway...the important thing is that this forum has helped me to get us back on track...:) jean


..alls I have to say is..Jumping to conclusions is eazy!
..seeking the truth or asking for some help (for Me!?) is tough!
..glad You joined us Jean ! ..and Welcome ! :) xx"K"