How to accept this

[cambow GG]

My husband is an absolutely wonderful person, husband, father and friend. I am admittedly still trying to deal with this. I don't have a big problem with it it is just a surprise and something I didn't realize existed except for the way it is portrayed in movies, etc. I don't have any different feelings for my husband or rather I still love, respect and desire him. The closeness I have heard about when an SO accepts that side of her husband is so, so true. Our marriage was not specifically in trouble before this but we had fallen away from each other for many reasons. We have dealt with many issues in the last 6 years of our marriage; lost our home to foreclosure, had two unexpected children born, lost 4 different people to death, I have some health issues. We just got tired I think. BUt anyway, we are now closer than we have ever been, ever! We talk and talk all the time and make love more than in years, and wonder all the time where it is going to end up? He still feels so many of the bad feelings that has made his life so hard. Guilt, shame, disgust and fear. How many others are there? I want to help him but don't know the answers. I know it will just take time, I have only known since Easter Sunday.
How can I convince him he is truly a special person and deserves all the good things in life? I hurt when I think of how he sees himself because it is not good. I am not ready to see him dressed and he is not ready for that either but I can see it in the future.
WHat advice can anyone give on helping with his self-acceptance?
Sorry for this to be so long. I really would like some help with this.

[kathy gg]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I don't believe there is one single there or a series of things that lead people to self acceptance. it is like losing weight, or any goal, it has to happen when the person dealing with it is ready. And until then no one else can row that boat for them.

But if there is some pattern I have seen by knowing many cd's and hearing them talk about self acceptance....some are...being honest to himself. Accepting this is a part of who he is as a human being. Just like one's eye color or hair, you can try to cover it up and pretend it is different, but underneath it is always there. So just being able to admit that it is not a phase or a fad or a passing curiosity. I hear alot of guys talk about it in those terms which usually shows to me that they are not ready to admit that it is a part of who they are. They want to make it seem less real so they attach different terms to make it have less meaning.

Secondly I see when a guy is able to be honest about this next to his spouse/girlfriend then they have been able to say to another person "I am a crossdresser. and I am still the same peron, but now you know all of me."

Then I believe connections through friendships, local support group, or even an online forum such as this will help to seal the idea that "we are okay, you are okay."

I think the more a person stays in a isolation , downplays the importance of this to his life, and excludes others from knowing this side of him, he shows fear, shame and guilt at this part of himself.

For some guys they have this Eureka! moment and they drop all that negative and start to embrace the positive. Unforutnly, for many this moment could hae relapses or could never come.

We see it all the time on list, guys who purge and vow never to do it again, only to resume maybe days.weeks/.months or years later. Guys who beat themselvs up, and get down on their maleness.

I have often said "it takes a real man to wear a dress", because there is a bit of courageness and toughness to sort of shrug off what society at large deems unaceptable. You can't be faint of heart to sort of stand up for who you are.

Anyway, I do think having a wife who is supportive is a big help, but in the end , he has to want to accept who he is, he has to believe it without doubt and have conviction. All your love won't matter if he fights that desire for self acceptance.

I hope he is ready to believe in himself like you believe in him.

[~Kitty GG~]

I made a mistake early by not encouraging my husband to dress. And so it seemed like I was less accepting.

Talking about his feelings, your feelings.. It may take him awhile to see that you are proud of him. But that can have a huge impact on his self-image.

And while communication is very important.. Actions are also important. If you can show that you are not ashamed, then he may be able to let some of the shame go. If you can show that you don't blame him, then he may be able to let some of the guilt go.

Does your husband have anyone else to talk with? Finding out he's not alone, that he's not weird.. that he can talk with others who can understand is amazingly helpful. Let him know that there are other wives as well, and that we are happy to be here to support eachother. That way he won't feel that this is an unfair burden to you. If he feels that even tho you seem to be accepting, this is an unfair burden.. he may still hold back.

You've found eachother again and so you have a second chance that lots of couples don't get. Take advantage of that. Give your relationship a nurturing environment where its acceptable for both of you to be yourselves.

Hope this is helpful.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[Anita Mae GG]

Just keep communicating etc. What Kathy said is true. When they are ready they will accept themselves........my husband is still not accepting totally of himself even though I accept him fully. It takes time for them to undo all the years of shame, guilt and everything else that society has put on them. The best thing you can do is be there and let him know you care :happy:

[lostmyhubby GG]

just keep loving and talking!!!!! and perhaps the day he comes out dressed and you can accept it and he sees you are ok with it.....you will both find peace? But not until you are both ready.
Good luck to you both