i just found out my husband used to cd

[amandakate]

i just accidentally posted this in new members section. oops! so i'm reposting here. i'm anxious to get the perspective of some cds.

at any rate, i just found out that my husband used to cd. he has not done so since we have been together (two years now). he says that he lost interest when he met me, but he's also been storing all his clothes in a storage unit - in secret! i don't think he would've told me except i discovered that there was this unexplained storage unit. it breaks my heart that he is so embarrassed. he was not worried about my reaction - i'm incredibly liberal and open. moreover, he is ashamed by that side of him - it wasn't fear of telling me, it was fear of acknowleding it within himself. perhaps he really DID lose interest, but i suspect at the very least - the desire will return again. and i don't want him to deny that. but i also want to understand the desire, how this journey begins, why men want to cd. we are of course going to go to therapy, but i want to hear your perspective.... there are many other pertinent details about him, our lives - but i'm trying to topline. thank you so much for sharing whatever your experience has been.

[CharlaineCadence]

Poppit all i can say is read the book my husband betty it will help

kiss kiss
char

p.s. welcome to the group

[EricaCD]

Hi Amanda and welcome to the group. Sorry you had to learn about your husband's dressing that way. You are to be congratulated for being so willing to support your husband. Few cds are so lucky in their choice of spouse.

A few years ago my wife found me out, under almost identical circumstances. (She was not as accepting as you - basically went straight to denial.) Even if my wife had been willing to talk, I was sufficiently uncomfortable with myself at the time that I don't think any discussions would have been useful. I was mid-hiatus at the time as well, and honestly did not know if I ever intended to dress again. And the last thing I wanted to do was to go into more detail on such an embarrassing subject with my wife.

I'd recommend that you make clear that you are willing to talk and to listen, but don't push. You might also remind him that if he does resume dressing, he should talk to you then: in that case you are likely going to want to discuss boundaries (assuming he is keeping his dressing to himself at that point).

If he is not coming to terms with his own shame and embarrassment, there is frankly not a lot you can do to help him progress. However, that does not mean that he won't appreciate your support. You should be prepared for some bumps along the way, as the path to self-acceptance tends to be an uneven one. But given the understanding you have shown so far, I think you are likely to manage this successfully.

If you would like to discuss in more detail with a CD that has been there, feel free to pm me.

Best,
Erica

[LucyTwitch]

Hi

CDs or some at least, do go through phases of not wonting anthing to do with crossdressing and try and make their lifes all male. but the feelings inside can only be surpressed for so long. How long depends on many factors, but if you do surspect your hubby is CD -ing in secrect, then you have to let him take the lead on letting you know about it.

As for therapy if it is for helping him, it has been proven on many occassion that it dose not work for most CDs or TGs and THE ONLY THING THAT DOSE WORK IS ACCEPTANCE.



All the best and take one step at a time (a problem is only a problem if it is not understood)



All the best from the UK

[cd300]

i to agree your hubby is indeed very lucky that u would be willing to support him.. i too was able to for a while put this behind me from teens till around 20 b/c i felt the same as your husband does. but a few trying things in life and a pair of panties and i was well on my way to finding out about my true self.. i dont know if therapy is an answer you may want to talk about it and show him this forum. he may be in denial of himself and his deep desires..i am willing to bet and i am sure alot will agree this feeling rarely goes away so this could pop up again later on.. but good luck with all you do and again he is very lucky u would be supportive...

Jessica

[Kristen Kelly]

Hi Amanda and welcome to the group. This forum is a great place to realize others have been or are going down the same paths and how they have handled it. The people here are very supportive and quick to give an answer, even if its not what we want to hear. I was in self denial for 2 years it made me misable. There are different degrees of dressing, for some its a "thrill" or a "hobbie" for others "A way of life". Dont push the point but dont let a wall develop, sometimes putting things in writing helps, for some men not having to face the person makes it easier to express their feelings. If you ever need to chat IM me at Yahoo KristenKelly77 Im a good ear.

[DonnaT]

Hi Amanda, welcome to the forum.

First until your husband accepts this part of himself, there's not much you or anyone can do to help him.

Second, his storing of his things was a good move, one advocated by many CDs who have gone through the start and stops of CDing. Some simply purge, then a few years down the road end up buying everything again. So he's to be congratulated on that. Plus it is an indication that he isn't really sure he's stopped completely.

I suggest just learning more about crossdressing, and let him know if he does start again, you would appreciate that he not hide it. I wouldn't suggest you delve into it with his any deeper, until you need to.

The first 4 chapters of the book My Husband Betty give a good deal of info into crossdressing. Chapters 5 on are more for those dealing with transsexualism.

You might want to look through this site as well: http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

[crystal]

I’ve been dressing for many years; I have a very supportive wife. We go shopping together and have a very good relationship. In matter of fact my wife does the majority of my photo work. My cross-dressing habits don’t affect our relationship. The cloths you wear don’t change you as a person.

I’ve enclosed a site for you’re to review and maybe this can help.

http://www.ladylike.org.uk/

If women wear can wear men’s cloths then why can’t men wear women’s.?

The definition of a cross-dresser:
Is the wearing of clothes designed for the opposite sex according to Webster

Does it mean women who wear jeans, pants and ties are they also cross-dressers?

What’s normal? What’s normal for me may be abnormal for you.

Crystal

[Karren H]

Welcome, Amanda!!! My wife found out last year and was shocked....most are. And I dare say that even though he says he's lost interest, it never totally leaves and for me came back stronger every time. Why else would he be keeping his fem things? Just my opinion, hope it helpes some....

Love Karren

[ShortSkirt]

I think we've all tried to "stop" dressing at some point in our lives. The thing is, it's a part of us and who we are. I've tried stopping a few times and 20 years later I still regret one dress I threw away.

I can understand how he's feeling, ashamed and alone, alienated maybe because of his conflicting feelings. The fact that your supportive of him and his desire to do this, is a very good thing. I know for me, that when I met a woman that was accepting of it, and me, and very supportive of my choice, it felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off my chest after so many long lonely years of no one knowing. As soon as I was comfortable in the fact that she truly was accepting of it and me as Michelle, things just started to click and we both became much more comfortable with each other.

My advice to you is, make sure he completely understands your thoughts on the subject, and once he can bring himself to let you "in", your on your way to a very fulfilling and meaningful relationship.:winking:

[Sally2]

Amanda,
Regards therapy. Make sure your therapist is trained in matters of Transgenderism. A therapist who's not may treat this as a sickness and cause you and your husband more stress. Sally2

[Tracy_Victoria]

Hi Amanda

firstly what a great help you will be to your husband!

Many people toy with the thought of crossdressing, and sadly many have different levels of guilt over doing so. Myself I've never had a problem with accepting this is something I like and enjoy doing, but I have known others who have all there live bought clothes, then binned them in a never ending cycle, of need over guilt only for guilt to win in the end, ie they buy all the clothes to wear and then bin them, only for weeks later to start again.

I don't want to give you the wrong ideas here, no one knows better than I how the wrong comments can lead to a problem with a person and there SO, so the last thing I'm going to do is draw any assumption for you, however I would Ask you to talk to him on how he feels. keeping the clothes doesn't mean he might ever want to dress again but he may feel secure in knowing their there, if he needed them. but only he can give you that answer!!!

Many guys enjoy crossdressing, and some do stop, I myself tried for my partner, but in my case it was like a bottle with a cork in, that keep presurizing from within, Fortunately for me, I have a great SO Who I love deeply, and everytime I stopped, I got stressed, I think my longest period was several years, but my own desire not to dress never really wained, How ever only your Husband can really answer if he never wants to do this again, or if he has kept the clothes as he may need to in time!!!

Thankfully peoples perception of crossdressing is changing, the view many years ago, but sadly still held by some was if you crossdressed you were Gay, it's far from the case. infact it's proven fact that the biggest percentage of crossdressers are Hertosexual men with familes and lives far away from cross dressing as you could ever be. I once read that if you filled a room with 10 average males. as many as six of them would have thought about wearing some form of clothing of the opposite sex, 4 would have mostly like have worn at least one item for some reason, and two of them more than one item of clothing at once.

My Advice to you Amanda, is clearly your driven to find an answer here, hence your finding this site, and posting here asking for advice. So what if he is a TV? (from reading your message, i don't think it would be problem to you?) if not then you sound like your just what he needs to help himself decide where he wants to stand. I can sit here and type I'm a TV and thats not a problem to me, but to some guys it is and it can be a never ending cycle of guilt through there lifes. I've seen it many times sadly, so if you feel you want to take this futher, really you need to be ready for both answer, ie I never want to do it again, or Yes I do want to dress up again!!!!

If you feel you can support him, he will find it much easier to be open and to talk to you about this matter with you. there is nothing wrong here (but he may have a conflict of interests going on within!) Ie he wants to be loyal to you, but the desire to do this is sometimes stronger that some outsides ever believe it ever could be! it not like you can go back and reprogram your mind, and i know that more than most, I tried to stop for my SO, I couldnt!

So maybe the way forward for you is to read this forum and arm yourself with the knowledge of what it like to be the SO of a Crossdresser speak to several of the GG (gender girls here) and get a view from more than one, to get a honest opinion, however your find many Crossdressers are more caring, more understanding, and even more desireable due to there nature. if that doesn't seem a problem then sit down and talk to him, if he has your support either way, he will be able to express to you his true feeling on this, and why he has kept the clothes. if you can accept him and love him what ever his answer then he is one very lucky man to have you!

Good Luck let us know how you get on.

[Florence Tidji]

We all had such periods during which we decid to try forgetting our practises, throwing away all our clothes! We can temporarily succeed, I myself forgot it for 6 years.

This is probably a reaction for not accepting us as we are. But one day, it comes again... And I must say after so many years of crossdressing that you can't stop it. It needs hard job on yourself to accept it. And it needs also time to go out as I am doing. But nobody could stop me!

It's good that you are opened and tolerant, it will help him to share. And it's fantastic for a CD to share with a wife or girlfriend. That's my case for two years now and she is taking all the pictures you may have seen when we are travelling.

Good luck to you... and to "her"! ;-)

Florence

[Kimberley]

Hi Amanda and welcome from this old bird.
1) He has not stopped nor is ever likely to. He may have taken hiatus.
2) The therapist ABSOLUTELY needs to be gender experienced. (you might also want to seek a counsellor to help you.)
3) This is for you. Go slow and be very very gentle. It will take time because believe it or not, trust is something most of us do not easily give. How's that for a turnaround?
4) Join the GG section!!!
5) Enjoy.

[allisonrn06]

I only wish my wife were as accepting as you are Amanda!

[WendyCD]

Hi

I'm new too. Can only speak for myself but,

I am almost 50 yo and still don't understand it - I Like women and feminine so much I want to experience it, try to be like that, if only for a while??? Maybe fetish overtones?, but this has lessened alot as I get older. Maybe men and women aren't so different and dressing feminine for men has the same origin as for women?? (I know my wife likes to dress up and nice and turns her on...)

Tiresias of mythology was mysteriously turned from a man to a woman when he interrupted two snakes mating. Seven years later he was turned back while interrupting two other snakes. When he was asked by Zeus (I think, or maybe Athena) if it was better as a man or a woman, he reported that it was better for women.

For me, I've quit trying to understand. I know my wife knows, disapproves (because I wasn't honest? It takes energy from the relationship (I really try not to let it)? She's threatened by it?) ...and... doesn't talk about it. Neither do I. It has left a hole and it creates feeling of isolation.

If your SO has a storage unit that you didn't know about and has a wardrobe, your SO's desire is not gone forever. If you're open and accepting - go slow, maybe you can explore his interests in clothing, girly stuff, or whatever without jumping both feet in to confrontational postures regarding xdressing. I've said something similar in an other post. Maybe as you win each others trust you can move on to a mutual experience.

Unless you have other issues, I doubt he'd have alot of interest in therapy. I hope it all goes well and I haven't said anything out of place. Your husband is very fortunate - I hope he knows that!

I edited this message:o (left out something)
BTW..

Tiresias was struck blind by Zeus when he revealed his preference for the feminine, Athena, feeling really bad about Zeus's reaction, couldn't give him his sight back, but gave him the gift of prophecy as consolation.

I only add this because I think it has some relevance - the cost of "outing" one's self???... Athena's sympathy?????? just my 0.02

[sierracd6]

Good for you for not being freaked out. I can speak for me, denial is a way to make others happy. I did it to wife number two. I tried for years to stop, but it was always in my mind. Eveytime you walk by a storefront and see womens clothes, I had to look. Everytime going into a store, I had to walk by the womens section. It is not a sickness, just something inside of you I guess. It is an addiction that only hurts those that do not accept. There are sites that do have medical explainations for why peoploe crossdress. I went to a couple, and some things said made me feel more comfortable. I wish you two luck. All I can advise is if you love your husband, do not chastise him. Try to work together with this. It is an obsession/addiction and can not be taken lightly, especially if he has kept all of his girlie things. I gaurante he thinks about it everyday...Good luck hun

[Karyn]

I have been involved in CD for at least 30 years, since before I met my SO. I've been through several periods of tossing everything and then having to buy it all back again - at least your husband had the sense to just store his.

Your husband is extremely fortunate to have you in his life, and I think at this point he will know this. So many SO's jump to the wrong conclusions and assume that it's all about them, when really CDing is, for me at least, an entirely different compartment in my life. My SO knows, and does not approve, so she prefers that it be kept separate.

I think that CDs often experience different levels of shame and guilt over their desires based on our ideas of how others would perceive us if they knew, and now that you know, your husband is probably very concerned about how you will feel, and may even be afraid that he will lose you. Your reassurance will be a great comfort to him, and if you are able to slowly accept his situation and the two of you can come to terms with guidelines and how you'll work it out this situation will hopefully make your relationship even stronger.

I hope it works out for you - pm if you have any other specific questions.

[amandakate]

WOW! you all are just fantastic and have given me much to think about. and i will read the book and websites suggested. i will be careful about therapy - i was thinking about it more because of the lies that he told to hide it, it's kind of shaken our foundation a bit - even though i totally understand why he lied. and, because i don't want him to feel ashamed. but i will make sure it's someone legit. i mean, i wouldn't talk someone out of cding any more than i'd try to talk them out of being gay! and, i have to admit - when i first found out, i did have that fear - what if he's gay? only because then i'd need to encourage him to find a male partner and i'd miss him beyond deeply!!!!!

for those who have accepting so's - were they immediately? while i'm theoretically ok with it, i'm only days into discovering it, i have to admit that i sure wouldn't be ready to go out on the town with him all dolled up!

the other thing i struggle with is not being able to talk to my incredible group of supportive and wonderful friends and family. this is out of respect to my husband who as of now, doesn't want anyone to know. so i will probably be posting new threads occasionally looking for the cd love from you all. what a special group you are.

all best, amanda

[KathrynW]

Poppit all i can say is read the book my husband betty it will help

Gosh No...I think reading MHB right now would scare the hell out of her.
That's the last thing she needs to read now. There is much info available online, and many better books available to try and understand this stuff.

[HaleyPink2000]

Hello Amanda:hugs:

I'm like many others of my Sisters here. I'm a 55 yr old CD. It does not usually go away. It does lessen to a point we might have thought it might have gone away. But never does. When you meet someone new in your life, and the sex is good, the emotions are high when they are around. Then it seems the desire to dress is less, or goes away. Years after being together, becoming more comfortable around each other. It seems the desire comes back for some reason. Maybe less sex, maybe what ever, but it does come back. Some say it's when they don't have a GF in their lives. Some say it's 5 or 10 years into a marriage, some less. Many reasons can cause it to come back. One CD said it was seeing a woman in a certain outfit in a Mall that fired His/Her dressing again.

I'd would do as some on here have said. Read the first 4 chapters of a book called My Husband Betty. Then digest that for a few weeks. Don't read any further than the first 4 chapters for a while. Just don't! Ask your Husband to read it also, if He will. The rest of the book may not apply to your relationship in many ways. But the first four chapters are pretty good.

Remember words count, so choose your words you use in talking to your Husband well. The guilt He may be feeling might push Him away from you, if you don’t watch your wording,and body language. People are not perfect we all know. But try please to be very attentive right now. Try to not be judgmental at all. Remember the person you fell in love with is still there in front of you.

Also seeking out a local support group called TriEss might help. They have a meeting coming up in Chicago called SPICE. This is for couples to go to, and get support. Please read about SPICE on the web. It is a good venue for CDs and their Wives or SOs.

I hope this helps!

Spice link below
http://chi-triess.org/spice/?

[axdressa]

Hi there Amanda
Just thought that I would say that I have been dressing for as long as i can remember the first person that found out about it was my own mother, she found her clothes under my bed i will have been about 8 or 9 at the time, she was really shocked at this and subsiquently got me to attend therapy seeing a shrink for about a year .... she thought that this would help ... it did ... as far as she was concerned .... but i just found a different place to hide the clothes, SORRY about going on and on about my past ... all i am trying to do is set the picture an 8 year old dressing and now 41 years on I am still doing it i have had 3 partners all female in the past and all very supportive but the one i live with now is the best she wants me to dress all the time .... at this point all i can say is give him time and your support if he wants to dress then no-one will stop him but you do need to set boundries if you think it will be to much for you to take in, you both need to sit and talk about it ...... i know this might sound really strange but people at my place of work have seen pictures of me dressed ...(but they think i did it for a fancy dress party ) LOL
SORRY BUT HAD TO PUT THAT LITTLE BET IN
well i am 49 but when dressed i feel a lot younger ... hope to hear from you soon
good look if it helps .. you could get your hubby to look on here i am sure all of us girls will be helpful to him either way

HUGS N KISSES MALLISA

(by the way i am as straight as they come )