Keeping a perspective on this side of my personality.

[sparks]

The past little while I've been really trying to come to grips with my cding. I realize that I could use some professional help but alas I cannot afford it nor is there anyone in this tiny town I feel I could talk to anyway.
I obsess over this stuff way to much and have to quit it somehow. I find it really difficult to keep part of me tucked into a little box for the sake of marriage and family though in truth for them I know I will. They need me and I will not crumble for them. Though this past weekend I lost it and went a little bonkers in desperation for abit of feminity.
I have cried alittle and still feel i can't approach my wife because she thinks I should just "change my thought patterns and give up all this nonsense."
i wish it was that easy. I've tried reaching out to my sister but when it comes to saying the words I choke. I find it really difficult to say the words "I want to be female." For all of my thirty-five years those words when spoken aloud to another still sound so foriegn.
Without my sisters here I think I may have gone to the nuthouse. To be truthful I look good in white and the vacation would do me a world of good.
When things get tough in my life cding takes over and this has been a really stressful year for me. So cding stepped in front line. Now that the stress is dwindling that female side of me is still rearing it's ugly head.
I've always been able to deal with this in the past but this time I'm truly being a drama queen with it all.
I don't understand why I can't shut it down this time. Why I seem to need acceptance from my wife(at least more than what's been there in the past).
I've stopped asking myself "why do I do this". That is a relief in itself but why can't i accept it all myself? Is it because I don't have anyone personally in my life that I can talk to about it or do I need to continue this inner journey.
Personally right now I don't want to discover anymore but just shut it all down and just be my male self. At least for a short while until my life returns to a normal state. But these obsessive thought keep nagging at me.

[Julie York]

Well I am no great sage on this as I have my own confusions with it all. But what is causing you stress is the conflict. It's the pull one way of feeling it isn't right and also not being able to do it freely....and then the other way is this strange urge you have that has no reason but you want it.

But ask yourself seriously....when you do dress up do you experience a genuine sense of relief? Or is it like someone wanting something they can't have? Because you can't have it .....you want it?

I am not suggesting this is the case...It's a genuine enquiry.

[Cathe TV]

The past little while I've been really trying to come to grips with my cding. I realize that I could use some professional help but alas I cannot afford it nor is there anyone in this tiny town I feel I could talk to anyway.
I obsess over this stuff way to much and have to quit it somehow. I find it really difficult to keep part of me tucked into a little box for the sake of marriage and family though in truth for them I know I will. They need me and I will not crumble for them. Though this past weekend I lost it and went a little bonkers in desperation for abit of feminity.
I have cried alittle and still feel i can't approach my wife because she thinks I should just "change my thought patterns and give up all this nonsense."
i wish it was that easy. I've tried reaching out to my sister but when it comes to saying the words I choke. I find it really difficult to say the words "I want to be female." For all of my thirty-five years those words when spoken aloud to another still sound so foriegn.
Without my sisters here I think I may have gone to the nuthouse. To be truthful I look good in white and the vacation would do me a world of good.
When things get tough in my life cding takes over and this has been a really stressful year for me. So cding stepped in front line. Now that the stress is dwindling that female side of me is still rearing it's ugly head.
I've always been able to deal with this in the past but this time I'm truly being a drama queen with it all.
I don't understand why I can't shut it down this time. Why I seem to need acceptance from my wife(at least more than what's been there in the past).
I've stopped asking myself "why do I do this". That is a relief in itself but why can't i accept it all myself? Is it because I don't have anyone personally in my life that I can talk to about it or do I need to continue this inner journey.
Personally right now I don't want to discover anymore but just shut it all down and just be my male self. At least for a short while until my life returns to a normal state. But these obsessive thought keep nagging at me.


God ... how much time do you have to get into this? I better come back tonight when prying eyes aren't around and i can think better ....

[Marla S]

We grew up and lived our whole life in a society that is not accepting and has negative attitude towards CDing. Therefore this negative attitude is a part of us like our mother tongue is a part of us.
CDing is a part of us as well.
Which one you call an obsession, IMHO is in the eye of the beholder. (Is being a CD an obsession or is the negative attitude an obsession ?). As we can’t get rid of neither we have to bring them somehow together.
Of course we want to share a part of our life that is important to us with our beloved, hoping at least for acceptance and maybe for a relief of our inner struggle. Sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn’t, but if the reaction is not what we hoped for this can be dreadful. Though I have an accepting SO I didn’t came to terms with it myself yet. But IMO this is a different problem than to bringing our “obsessions” together. Something which is a lonely job of our mind.

[kathy gg]

Hey Sparky...gee I like the sound of that better...anway...

I have a question for you....what if...(gee dont' you hate sentences that start that way?)....she came in one day and said "okay, I have decided that I want to accept this. What do I need to do?"

Can you start naming off stuff right now?
What equals acceptance for you? I am just really curious to see what the answer is to this...

I bring this up because I can remember meeting a crossdresser at an event a while back and his wife was at the event with him, okay, and sometime during the evening he got to talking to me and made a comment about how great it was that I was so accepting...and I was like well, yeah, you are lucky too your wife is accepting too...and then he was like ...well yeah, I guess, but she is not like you. And I was thinking, you can't compare someone like "me", to someone who has had to learn aceptance. I never had to, it fell in my lap. So, to even compare her and me was really an insult to his awesome wife.

I am just curiuos as to what you need from her in order to feel accepted?

[sparks]

Well i went to work and thought long and hard about this mass confusion I call my brain. I think i'm really understanding mood swings these days!
Wew! Up and down, up again than look out for that tree George. Bam I'm down again.
I am real apprehensive about getting professional help. I went once and it's a two parter. I needed a referral from my doctor so I had to go and spill the beans to him. His take was you will never change this is part of you. Shocked look on my face. Than in regards to my wife he said if she does not accept this part of you divorce her!!! Can you believe it! This scared the shit out of her and me. i mean in just about every facet of life, we work very well together an I believe total soulmates. She is everthing to me and I swear to god the woman gets sexier everyday.
So now that we are both freaked we have to wait months to get to see this couples therapist with a specialality in gender problems. The woman was a freak. Yin this and Yang that and all this New Age babble that made us laugh until we got the bill Yikes!
Alot of what was posted here makes sense to me. Thanks Julie.
I'm am so lost and confused right now I cry over that milk I spilt last month.
And Kathy for acceptance right now just a hug, a tiny space in the drawer (my stash is pretty much nil.) and for her to realize I can't just wave a wand and poof it all goes away.

[Dana]

Being a CD is wrought with paradoxes? Is it not? Being born of one sex, raised of one gender ~ wanting, needing, yearing to be of another?

We all reach a point in our lives, where we must say goodbye to the life we PLANNED, and embrase the life that awaits us. That confronts us. That is us.

Crossdressing? WOW! What a concept? Straight (Hetro) men who have, posses, desire feminine attributes? And, then some that are Bi ~ and others that are gay? Some are non-op TS, some or pre-op TS, others are Post-op TS. The titles, the labels, the names ~ all so very confusing?

The social and cultural conditioning ~ oftentimes accompained with mental, emotional, social, and yes,.............even physical abuse. For good measure ~ lets through in religious condemnations and damnations ~ to last for all of eternity!

For good measure lets, throw in the social, cultural, financial, divorce, ruination complications.

[GypsyKaren]

Hiya Sparks

Sorry to hear you're feeling down, here's what works for me. Stop worrying about the "why", and embrace the "is". It may not sound like that makes any sense, but think about it. You are what and who you are. Love yourself for it, is all. Don't try to accept yourself as a TG, only as a person, once I did that the pieces all fell into place.

Karen

[Joy Carter]

Truly the road of life has it's pitt falls even if your not gender conflicted but if you can accept this part of who you are you can deal with almost anything. Your battle is with your self first then her second take it one step at a time. It has taken much time for many of us to come to the relization of who we are. You know you are loved by your family it is a good base in which to build your life. We are here for you ! :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

Sparks, I can identify with all those feelings you describe. I had a lot of problems until I came to terms with it. My male and female thinking patterns are intertwined and nothing short of a lobotomy (!) would do anything for me. With myself, it's all about balance and I've learned to enjoy both parts of myself as they complement each other. As far as talking, you always have us here. I doubt that most of us are going anywhere. Take care, Ericka Kay

[sparks]

Thank you for caring. As another day passes so does the inner conflict for awhile. My thoughts are more at peace tonight than they have for a long time.
Sometimes I feel I just need to grow up and accept things as they are instead of analyzing everything to the last letter.
I will try to just immerse myself into other things and let this issue cool it's jets. Really why should I continue to do this to myself. How long do I have to endure this inner conflict. To many questions with no real answers. Actually there are answers and they are up to me to decide. A baby step here and a baby step there. It's all I can do for now.
I will need that hug from my wife real soon though. I know she will give it and i all I have to do is ask. That's the greatest thing about love, marriage and commitment it usually is there for the asking.

[Teresa Amina]

How long do I have to endure this inner conflict

Here's an idea- instead of Conflict consider it the Inner Drama. Sometimes just changing how you look at a thing can improve the situation. A core idea of Drama is Conflict, yet the process of Drama is the resolution of that Conflict. A simple idea which has helped me a lot.

p.s.- How about feminizing the name? Sparkette? Something else altogether? Again it's about taking charge of the conflict by changing the terms of it. :thumbsup:

[sparks]

p.s.- How about feminizing the name? Sparkette? Something else altogether? Again it's about taking charge of the conflict by changing the terms of it. :thumbsup:

I've thought about this but my cat's name kinda suits me. Anyway I can't think of a femme name that suits. Maybe Golgatha would do. Kinda femme.

As for your other suggestion yep I will try thinking about this stuff in a different manner. And try to obsess less.

Now what kinda last name goes with Golgatha?

[Melissa A.]

Hi Sparks,

For you, I kinda think that it IS the conflict. And the fear - of hurting others, and of what you may lose. And ya know what? there aren't any easy answers-no magic wand for you OR her. My 1st ex and I were talking a few months back, and she let me know that she had done some research after we split up, and told me if it had all happened today, she might have been able to deal with it better, maybe come to some compromise, and certainly would have been more understanding. I suppose I should have been shocked, but really wasn't surprised. She's a smart woman. And although she had always considered herself pretty open-minded, She never had to deal with anything like it first-hand before; it was just so foriegn and wierd to her, and she just didn't know anything about it. I guess I'm saying that a little education can go a long way - it may not change everything but can lead to some empathy and understanding. And maybe also to the realization that if your loved one is struggling with this, maybe you should care about what he is going through along with how it makes you feel, instead of telling them to "put all that silliness away". Don't mean to be hard on her, I just don't think that helps.

Speaking of education, you got one from your Doc. Most therapists will tell you that gender dysphoria, whatever the degree, does not have a cure. Which begs the question - what do you want therapy for? Have you talked about what the goal will be? Are you thinking, "I want to deal with this, come to terms, be happy" while her goal is "I want it to stop"? Something to be careful to know.

Your feelings of conflict are not unusual. And that should be a great positive. The fact that there are hundreds of thousands if not millions somewhat like you should be, too. I know that when I started to realize that it made a big difference(the internet's such a wonderful thing!). Ambivelance directed towards yourself because of fear and shame doesn't address anything that's real, and will, believe me, make you feel bad about yourself if that is the catylist for your actions. That'll be true today, and 20 years from now. I don't want to sound all totally rah-rah-do what makes you feel good regardless of what anyone thinks- I know this ain't easy for many people, and none of us want to hurt others or make them uncumfortable. But dammit, I've been through this and seen many others here struggle with it, and it becomes more and more clear to me that if caring adults can't at least come to mature decisions and empathetic compromises about the things that are very real to them and the people they care for, what else do they have? If you can put the self-hate on the shelf for a little while, and you then find that cding is a real part of you, however big or small a part, and a potentially positive piece of you(could be!), Then there should be a way to work it into your life somehow in a concientious way that doesn't hurt your family or you. As for your wife, she doesn't have to be enthusiastic about it to care about you. But in my opinion, care she should.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[sparks]

Wow! Thanks Melissa M. I've been down this road way to long and it is hurting inside and out. You've given me a an excellent passage to think about. The words ring true.

Thanks so much.

[Wombat]

Hey Sparks. You're you. Great ain't it :thumbsup: You look cute in a skirt and get to fart with the boys. Kid, them's things to be proud of.

Dig around the internet for those joke lists of the 10 best things about being a woman and the 10 best things about being a man. Put them side by side. Then get your eyeliner pencil ... and tick EVERY ONE OF THEM. Yup girl, you've got the best of both worlds ... and you look cute in a skirt.

You're you. Love you. If you don't understand you, don't worry, that's why we've got dogs - they don't understand us either but they're willing to love us just the weird way we is.

Wombat

and yes, I know the above philosophy is easier to write down than to do, but if you work towards it, you'll get there and be able to wear a lot of lace on the trip. Don't overanalyse, that job was set aside aeons ago for people who are too darned scared to ... wait for it ... look cute in a skirt :love:

Wombat (again)

[Khriss]

..the.."change my thought patterns and give up all this nonsense" line realy struck a cord in me.. as those sociatal norms of acceptable behavior have been hammered into me over the years too...
pretty sad that personal happyness can be so degraded by other peoples ignorance or fears, while there surely are huge concernes in any personal relationship ( marriage-no doubt ! ).as....often outside perceptions figure in too..
.. the question has been posed a few times here..(as-in?) how would I feel if my GG-SO told me she wanted to dress in manly attire and had dreams of being a man..penile surgery included ?
any day ..dressed as I'd prefer..out and about..in the real world,without fear of ridicule or even physical confrontation would be a dream come true for me..I'd supose..
hanginthere-sparks-bestwisheseh? xx"K"