Do we HAVE to come out of the closet?

[Pink Satin Sissy]

GG's,

Do we have to come out of the closet?

I am seriously thinking about telling my wife in a couple of weeks, but I have some serious reservations about it. Why does she have to know? I mean, she's gone 13 years without knowing and nobody is getting hurt. Maybe it's just cold feet or I'm looking for an excuse not to tell her. Anyway, do I have to come out?

Pink

[Caitlintgsd]

I guess not. But I'm thinking that she may feel a bit betrayed if she finds out on her own. Can you absolutely hide every tiny vestige of your cd'ing forever? Not one tiny slipup? You know your wife. How do you think she'll take it if you just came out and told her?

[Sage GG]

no, you do not have to come out of the closet. But you could, if you want to invite her in.

[kathy gg]

Hi Pink

Less than a month ago you started this thread

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28580

And now you are trying to talk yourself out of it again.
:eek:

I actually have cut and pasted something you wrote in that thread:
________________________________________
So subtle is out. I tried that and it didn't work. You're correct about the advice however, we have a very good relationship and we don't play mind games. I guess maybe we did a little when we first got married, but not anymore. That is why I want to tell her.
As far as being intimate w/her while dressed sounds like a great time, that isn't my intent. I guess I just want her to know without her:
- getting mad
- getting upset
- crying
- becoming disappointed
_________________________________________

It sounds like your reasons for coming out to her have more to do with being honest rather than shoving the dressing down her throat (which alot of guys seem to do after they share this).

I'll put it this way, none of us are going to be able to say "oh yeah, come out to her! You can do it" Because when and if that moment happens and *if* all hell breaks loose none of are there to help you pick up the pieces, consol the crying and the disapointment and the anger. You will be all on your own. So what ever happens, you will have to deal with the fallout, good or bad.

Only you know if this is the right decision and the right time and such. No one here knows her better than you do.

Yes, being honest is really great and all and I also do not advocate lying. But what is happening is you are wearing womens clothing, and have done so as you said for 13 years. You are not cheating on her (I hope not) and you are not robbing a bank, and you not ordering hormones or someting other thing which a wife really should be aware of.

Yes it woudl be great if she knew from the get go and went into a relationship with her eyes wide open. But that window of opportunity is all in the past. Some people come out to their wives expecting horrible things to happen and then their wives come through it and their realtionships are stronger than ever. Other think their wives will be really open minded {lots of gay friends, wife seems to like their softer personality} and then they come out and next week they are in a motel. So even people who *think* they know how things will happen are wrong. There is no set formula that works and no two women are the same (thank goodness!)

All I do know is that once you tell you can't really take it back, and if you then are sworn never to do it again and agree to such terms, now you are really lying in an even worse way {if you ask me}. So if you tell, you need to be prepared to take your lumps if she gives you any. Once it is out that is it. You have to deal with what the outcome is.

I am not going to help you justify a reason to continue hiding, but I also am not going to be responsible if your marriage falls apart. How is that for being the ultimate fence sitter?


GG's,

Do we have to come out of the closet?

I am seriously thinking about telling my wife in a couple of weeks, but I have some serious reservations about it. Why does she have to know? I mean, she's gone 13 years without knowing and nobody is getting hurt. Maybe it's just cold feet or I'm looking for an excuse not to tell her. Anyway, do I have to come out?

Pink

[weemoofrazz]

Pink Satin Sissy, as Kathy rightly pointed out no one else can tell you to come out to your wife becuase it's "the right thing to do" for whatever reasons we personally feel it may be etc, everyone is an indivdual and every situation unique so really deep down, advice or comments aside only you have the ability to make the decision.... as to the why should you?

personally, I feel that if you truly love your wife their must be a need within you to share this unique and important part of yourself with her, so that she may know you completly, if after you have searched deep down within yourself, reservations and obvious concerns aside do not feel that compulssion to share all of yourself 100% with your wife, then perhaps you may not only have doubts and reservations about coming out but you may even have reservations or doubts about your relationship full stop.

Please bare in mind that this is of course conjecture and purely one individuals opinion...Only you can decide and whatever your decision may be I wish you well and hope that ultimately it's the right decision for you, your wife and your happiness.

:)

[~Kitty GG~]

For q's like this we should get paid hourly rates.. and have full immunity!!

Just kidding with ya...
But really we can all only be a sounding board for you. You can listen to how we all took it... you can listen to our views on honesty... we can tell you how we feel about stuff. But in the end only you know your wife. Only you know how much affect CDing has on you. Only you know how comfortable or uncomfortable you are with the secrecy.

No other person can make these decision for someone else.

I think Kathy's reply was perfect.

If you do tell her its not going to be a party. She will probably have some bad feelings, you will probably have some bad feelings. And so I still strongly advice that you do it in a comfortable place and at a time when both of you have the opportunity to digest it before you have obligations to attend to.

Here are my own person feelings:

When I found out I felt cheated big time. Cuz I'd given 100% of me to the relationship. I had even told the bad parts about me before we got too serious. It seemed to me that I had been judged unaccepting without ever being given a chance. I wondered why this person wanted to be with me at all in that case. My personal take on it is that I want to know the whole person.. and I want to be known and loved as the whole person that I am. From my point of view if I had to hide a portion of myself from someone.. then they're not the one I want to spend my life with.

So the q really is what's best for you and yours???


In the end its your closet. Only you can decide if its worth venturing out.

or as Dr. Phil says "how's that working for ya?" :D

I wish you luck.
~Kitty~

[Pink Satin Sissy]

Kathy,

Whoa! That was very insightful. I totally see your point and thank you for the advice. Kitty and WeeMoo also provided some very important points as well.
To be clear, I've been married for 13 years and been with her for 17 years. I want to tell her but I'm afraid of how she will react when she hears that I've been crossdressing behind her back for all these years, and I certainly don't want to "shove my dressing down her throat".
It's a delicate balance of decisions. Is it lying if she doesn't ever ask if I'm a cd or wear womens lingerie and dresses. If she ever asks, I will tell her "yes, I do".
Ultimately it is my decision and only I know if it's right or wrong. You're right about it being my closet and only I know if and when it's time to come out if ever. You're right Kitty, you should charge for this therapy, I'm sure you, Kathy and weemoo would make a fortune:)
Thank you for helping this confused crossdresser feel like I'm not alone and in the dark. But it's still ok to crossdress, right?

Pink

[Jean GG]

My question to you is...WHY DO YOU WANT TO TELL HER AFTER 13 YEARS of marriage? I am NOT saying that you should or shouldn't...simply wondering why you are finally thinking about it.

My husband never told me, I discovered it accidently. I wish he had been honest with me from the first moment I met him...but I understood why he would hide it. jean

[annekathleen]

Some of us are out of the closet, some of use want to come out of the closet, while some of us are content being in the closet.
That's what makes all of us so unique and individual.
Some of us look fantastic when dressed, ( you know who you are ) and some of us dont look all that convincing when dressed ( we know who we are )
Some of us are straight, some are bi and some are gay, and those desires may change as we engage in some degree of dressing.
I think I become more "bi" when I am dressed, and less "bi" when I am not.
What I love about this website and all of us who come here is that we are so accepting of each other. I find I have a lot in common with some of us, I have somethings in common with a lot of us. I dont have everything in common with all of us, None the less, I appreciate this site and all who are a part of it.

[Pink Satin Sissy]

I don't know why I feel the need to tell her. I think that since I joined this forum, a lot of questions that I had have been answered. I now know that I'm not alone, and there are numerous cd's that have come out to their SO's and they have either been totally acepting or have had a problem with it. I think there is a correlation to how accepting they are to how open minded they are.
Yes, 13 years is a long time, but I have some serious reservations about coming out of the closet.

Pink

[~Kitty GG~]

It's a delicate balance of decisions. Is it lying if she doesn't ever ask if I'm a cd or wear womens lingerie and dresses. If she ever asks, I will tell her "yes, I do".
Pink

That's a pretty good try at fooling yourself.

I was very hurt at being lied to for so long. And not being trusted with this info..

BUT

I soon came to realize that ~Dee~ wasn't able to tell me at the very beginning. When a person feels so much shame and guilt. When they beileve they are the only ones in this situation. And when they really believe its some fault of theirs.. and they should be able to overcome it. Then its not logical to expect them to share that.

When ~Dee~ did figure out that it wasn't something that could be overcome.. that it was part of who she is. She felt trapped. It was too late to be upfront. And it was seriously risky to stop lying. And she was still full of guilt and shame.

So at that point it was all understandable and forgivable from my point of view.

When she learned that she wasn't alone. And started to come to terms with what place gender issues had in her life.. When she found information and support online. Then I believe she was right to give me the chance to decide if this was the marriage I wanted.

Yes it was painful to hear. But I honestly believe that she did the responsible thing when she was educated enough and emotionally in charge enough to do so.

If she had continued to lie and leave me wondering why our marriage wasn't working quite right... (I never could understand why my loving husband would WANT me to be away.. Imagine how that must feel.. "I love you.. could you go away for a day or two?") then I would have had a harder time forgiving and ultimately accepting.

So basically I'm saying that if you do come out to your wife, she may be able to see that you didn't initial choose to deceive.

That'll be $125.. :D

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[connie rotten]

Honey,
I keep it to myself at my house. I want to click with other t-girls when crossedressed. We make arrangements for me to have the house for Connie Rotten to play. To join my SO in to this is not somthing I care to share and then have to be supportive of her confusion of Connie and me.

[Ellaine]

That'll be $125.. :D

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~


And worth every cent!!! lol
So very well put. Deserves prominence init!
Are you free for some brainwashing? hehehe

[Jean GG]

I still don't understand why now. Is it something you can longer hide...or a desire to engage in more cd activities...possibly with her?

I understand the reasons why MOST CD's are AFRAID to come out...why exactly are you afraid??? Are you being honest with yourself? Just trying to help :)
jean



I don't know why I feel the need to tell her. I think that since I joined this forum, a lot of questions that I had have been answered. I now know that I'm not alone, and there are numerous cd's that have come out to their SO's and they have either been totally acepting or have had a problem with it. I think there is a correlation to how accepting they are to how open minded they are.
Yes, 13 years is a long time, but I have some serious reservations about coming out of the closet.

Pink

[Ms. Donna]

OK, I'll be the unpopular one here for a minute.

Coming out is an act of selfishness. Let me explain.

Quite often there comes a point where we can no longer live with the secret, We simply get tired:
of hiding our stuff
of sneaking around
of private email accounts
of being guilt-ridden
of pretending for the world that we're something we're not
of lying to the one's we love
of lying to ourselves
...

We're tired of the closet and all it implies.

We also want validation - for people close to us to acknowledge and accept us for who we really are. We want to be told that it's no big deal, that it's OK, and that we are still loved.

We do not come out for others - we come out for ourselves.

This does not mean that the feelings of those in our life do not matter - they matter a lot and are a contributing factor to coming out. However, at the end of the day, it's all about us.

And although we fully realize that it might all go to hell, there comes that time when we'll do it anyway...


And we'll do it because we have to - for our own sanity.


Pink - are you at that point? Are you ready regardless of the outcome? It sounds like you are on the cusp, as it were.

Kathy, Kitty and the others have given you some good points to ponder. While I feel it is better to be open about this - with your wife at the very least - only you can know if you're ready.


Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Melora]

I am in the very same situation as you my dear... All I can say is this..
Sometimes I want very much to tell her and then I back out. BECAUSE I ASK myself ... What AM I REALLY HURTING... = NOTHING. Me being x-dressed DOES NOT HURT HER IF you can keep it a secret, AND I CAN, (though I thnik she might know, please see other posts), Think about it for a minuite, Me at home alone, I get all dolled up FOR MY OWN PLEASURE at that, - IF I do not cheat on her THEN IT IS MY BUISNESS!, AND she has not been harmed...PERIOD. otherwise IF I HAVE NOT HARMED THEN I AM NOT ACCOUNTABLE!. This is my thoughts on the matter...Though I am thinking about spilling out to her soon, because I think it just might be exciting AND I MIGHT be able to learn some things about her as well.
Anyone PLEASE COMMENT ON ME, I may learn from you.
Love
Melora:happy:

[Annesah]

Pink... There seems to be a common feeling among the GG's that they felt betrayed when they discovered it on thier own. Some understood why this was witheld from them, others did not. I'm not going to advocate one way or the other. As has been said you know your wife better than anyone but I have an intuition she allready knows. Maybe just hint or joke around at it a bit. You may be suprised. She might lead you out of the closet very gracefully! 0.02

[anonjulz]

There seems to be a common feeling among the GG's that they felt betrayed when they discovered it on thier own. Some understood why this was witheld from them, others did not. 0.02


The 'betrayal' feeling, from a GG's standpoint, is reminscent of cheating and 'the other woman' thought. But, the 'other woman' is within our CD'ing partner. Imagine that your SO was involved w/ another individual (man, woman, etc) and you found out about it either by proxy or confrontation, would you feel betrayed? What if your SO had an addiction and you found out? The feelings are similar... Betrayal or not, there is a part that is withheld.

I know my SO still has doubts about his revealing himself to me. For 14 years, he was the only one who knew his little secret. And, even though he knows I love and enjoy him 100%, he sometimes is shy and withholds thoughts until he is in a more comfortable situation with me (usually in bed... we tend to talk for hours and hours when snuggled).

The point is, regardless of how long you are together, if you feel the need to share yourself w/ your SO, do it. I know it is a scary situation and there are numerous possibilities of the outcome, but inside yourself, you are withholding a part. And, if your SO is fully honest and open with you personally, then you are not basing your relationship fully on honesty. Having been in a previous marriage w/ an individual who was dishonest monetarily, honesty has become the forefront of all of my life.

In my case, when my SO came out to me, I jumped in full force, but still had the inevitable questions of his sexuality, but have read and educated myself in this phenomonon. (As an aside, my best friend is a cd'ing gay male who I have dressed on numerous occasions. My SO did not know this when we met and still doesn't know my best friend's secret and vice versa... They aren't exactly friendly with each other.) Do not show up to talk to your wife in full regalia... Maybe have a picture of yourself and show it to her as your conversation progresses. Do not expect her to embrace this fully the first time you talk about your life. Work toward making your relationship a more honest and open life.

[Tracy_Victoria]

I don't know why I feel the need to tell her.

Pink

Probably you just want to be truthful totally to her, no body really like decit, Ie doing or being on the recieving end!

Maybe your best form of approach would be to broach the subject in a different way, ask general questions, how does she feel, does she think men in a dress are gay or okay, you don't have to confront her by ramming it down her throat, but if you see a magazine or Television show on the subject, just raise the issue casually and test the water so to speak.

Slowly and thoughtfully but only you can gauge if she is for or against

[Lilith Moon]

OK, I'll be the unpopular one here for a minute.

Coming out is an act of selfishness. Let me explain.

Hey Donna !

Nailonthehead again :bonk: :worship:

[Sedona]

Pink,

Maybe she will lead you out of the closet gracefully, maybe not. My humble opinion is that many on this forum advocate a "come out" approach because we feel relative safety here. But, out there in the real world, it's a much crueler place.

I'm not calling the kettle black, because with the inspiration of the girls here, I came out to my girlfriend last year (after eight months of dating). Did it suck, yes, but slowly, she's become a little more accepting. I know she's far from the kinky alterna-gg, so I consider myself lucky that she didn't dump me.

Only you know your wife and her attitudes. I'm sure you've dropped hints on the subject to her in order to guage her perceptions. The lipsticky landscape is strewn with CDers who've lost their wives and girlfriends after "coming out." Some of them are glad of the split, some wish they'd never told, as kids and stability were upset in the process.

If you know in your heart that you'd lose an otherwise loving wife, stability, happiness in life, family, and be outed in the process etc. . .be your own judge and perhaps you should keep it private.

If you think she has the capacity to process CDing, man, er, woman up and fill her in. And by all means, follow the book on this and don't show up in a dress.

Best!

[az_azeel]

hi pink
I told my wife after 7 years of marriage, maunly because of guilt and secrecey. However she did not understand and we split up a year later. Only you know what is best... good luck

[Joanie]

I tried CDing 22 years ago when my wife was out of town one weekend, read an article about it and this huge wave of desire to wear her cloths swept over me (we are the same size). WIth great anxiety, told her when she came back home and she was like, "Why are you so worried, no big deal!" Now, I have never paraded around the house en femme when she is here, we had long discussions about that but she does accept me in panties and hose in the bedroom.

If I hadn't told her, I would be haunted by worry that she would find bits and pieces of it in the form of evidence (a tissue with lipstick on it, a lost earring, that happended last weekend) and immediately think--Has another woman been here? Instead, I have a house that is a home whree I can truly relax.

P.S.--Interesting things can develop from telling her--my wife did my nails once but won't do makeovers. She wore my pantyhose once when she was out, etc. You get the picture. I let her call the shots as to what is/isn't acceptable around her as this was part of our marriage when it began two years before the CDing.

[Tina Dixon]

No we don't need to come out, you may feel you'll loose the thrill buy coming out, but there's a big world out there, just think of being out there in in your frillies?

[carol ann]

If you come out to your wife - will it stop there? Just think what do you want from wour WHOLE life, not just that little bit that is a present behind the closed ddor of your closet.

Above all are you prepared to risk you relationship so that you can dress as a female whenever you feel like it, go shopping enfemme and openly try to make yourself more glamorous. Big decisision! I'm a coward, in your position I would probably back off.