Hello! I hope im in the right place for advice

[peachy11]

I was kindly advised to move this thread from introductions, as to get more responses.

I have tried to speak with friends in the past but it hasnt helped. I feel alienated because no-one i know has dealt with these issues, so im hoping i can gain some understanding from this site.

When i was young my mum and dad got divorced & i rarely saw my father.
I grew up with him pushing me away and telling me to get on with my own life. Birthdays, christmas and years went by without even a hello from dad.
Mum died when i was 8yrs old and homelife was unbearable, i felt really angry that dad never wanted to be part of my life.

He refused to be a grandparent to my daughter, I remember him coldly telling me he could never be a grandad. I always felt like a chunk had been removed from me. I loved him so much yet he kept shutting the doors on me!

He has now died and being his daughter i was responsible for clearing his home. It then became apparent in his death that he was both homosexual and a crossdresser. I was in shock, i had never known my real father.
I immediatley felt bad in myself for hating him for all these years, i am angry that he could not bring himself to tell me. I would have still loved him and accepted his lifestyle, but i was never given the chance.

So all im left with now is emptiness! I wrote a letter saying sorry to him and that i love him, this was placed in his coffin with a pink rose from his only grandchild.

I pray now he is in peace, because he sure had his struggles.
Please, if anyone can relate to me or offer me some closure i would be more than grateful.

Peace and Love
Peachy

*

[rpservices1]

its to bad that most men have a hangup on crossdressing and our kids suffer for it I guess peopler are the blame what is the problem women wear mens cloths because they are easyer to wear at the timemen need a way to wine down maybe we would be better off if we were unisex your farther could have been so asame that he felt it easer to deni you then make you see him as an outcast love Brenda

[Janelle Young]

Hi Peachy,

As I posted to this in the other thread I will not add anything except to say I am proud of you for trying to 'get into your fathers mind' and understand.

[carol ann]

I tireied to answer you but my answer was too long and i was cut off fbefore I finished. I will try again but split it into two or three sections.


I had similer experiences, in that i felt rejected in my childhood. My baby brother died when I was three, my mother had a breaksown, I wa sent to an orphanage for a short ime, the marriage broke up and only saw my father three or four times during the rest of my life.

I returned home to live with my mother and Grandmother but during most of my childhhood it was my grandmother who effectively reared me

My mther did not seem to want to be close to me, I never remember her kissing me ever. She married again when I was ten to a drunkard, wife beater and child beater. I resented her and hated him. My mother tried several times to commit suicide.

When i was seventeen I joined the army for three years and when i came out returned home for a few months before moving out ot live on my own. I eventually met the girl i was to marry and found out for the first time in my life what real love was.

I also learned that my bitterness and hatred did not hurt the objects of the hatred; it only hurt me. Slowly I learned not to hate and learned to try and understand. The consequence was that I was able to become close to both my mother and stepfather in their final illnesses and to help them

It was at he stage of learning to love that I also came to understand that people's actions often stem from what happens to them in their lives. My mother told me late in life that she could not come too close to me because she was afraid I would die like my baby brother. I believe I took to crossdressing at an early age because somehow I wanted to be part of my mother.

Is it possible that your father took to crossdressing because he felt guilty about his homesexuality and wanted to justify it by feeling that really he should have been born a girl. Is it possible that because he could not accept himself he therefore could not accept you.

My message to you at the end of this long posting is 'Take away any resentment you may have about your father - let your love for him come through and in doing so you will accept yourself. One thing is certain, your father did love you because there is no greater love than a parent for a child.

[Breanne]

.... i am angry that he could not bring himself to tell me. I would have still loved him and accepted his lifestyle, but i was never given the chance.

So all im left with now is emptiness! I wrote a letter saying sorry to him and that i love him, this was placed in his coffin with a pink rose from his only grandchild.
I pray now he is in peace, because he sure had his struggles.
There's no way that he could have known that you would or could have accepted his lifestyle.
You have the answer to your own question, it's in the words: "I pray now he is in peace, because he sure had his struggles." Knowing this is knowing more about him than you ever knew before, the first step in loving him. with this attitude, I believe time will ease your burden.
Good luck.

[Wenda]

Without knowing how old your dad was, and where he was born and raised, my thoughts will be speculative, but along the same line as the other girls. It is very likely that he was raised in an environment where dressing was "queer" and 'unmanly". He may have despised himself for 'being weak' and 'not a real man', according to the prevailing stereotype and social norms.
The fact that you have professed your love and your ability to accept your dad as-is, is very important. It is likely to be futile and unfulfilling to try to discuss this with anyone who does not have some exposure to the foggy world of dressing. Most of us tread water in the shallow end of the transgender pool, creating rather small ripples or tiny waves in the world. In your dad's time, just putting your toe in the pool was a huge commitment. He may have believed that 'you were better off without him' in your lives. I know it seems like a cliche, but that is how many men view (viewed) the world.
You have done what you can for your dad. Resolve your issues, and live to keep yourself healthy. That is ultimately what every parent hopes for.
All the best!

[KrazyKat]

Peachy, the fact that you are here posting to try to find answers says so much about how wonderfully strong hearted a person you are!!
I agree, the time period, men so kept these things to theirselves, especially if your father was raised by a strong male who may have mentally and or physically abused him. He may not have been good at hiding his mannerisms or got caught wearing his Mom's slips or something!!
My 53 yr old SO just told me last year, thought he was a pervert or something!! Just said to me the other day, "I never thought I'd be able to wear women's clothes and go to a movie in daylight, thought I was a pervert all those years!":o
Yes, it's sad that society has had it's way with our heads. What a cool thing to do, include a heartfelt letter with your father. I'll bet his spirit is smiling on you!!:love: KrazyKat

[Annesah]

Dear Peachy; I can tell that you are so full of goodness and love that your spirit will heal from the inside out. You don't need anyone else to help though we are all here for you and pray you get through this quickly. God bless you.

[TGMarla]

The fact that he had been a homosexual crossdresser is no excuse to push you out of his life the entire time he was alive. Shame on him. He never gave you the chance to show him acceptance or understanding. All he showed you was contempt. Your reaching out to him, even posthumously, shows that you are a bigger person than he was.

I'm sorry for your loss, but sorrier that you lost him first so early in your life.

[DonnaT]

I remember him coldly telling me he could never be a grandad.

Which in light of the later revelation that he was a CD, actually meant he'd rather be a grandmother. Of course, in his time he knew this was not something men did, and feeling ashamed of his desires, alienated himself from you and your daughter.

Note that being a CD does not mean he was gay. If there were other clues to his sexuality, and if indeed he was gay, then more than likely he didn't want you to know that either.

So don't feel bad for having the feelings you had for him, you weren't to know.

[Bonnie D]

Like many of us who are still in hiding (closeted) I was/am afraid to reveal who I really was/am. While I was growing up I felt that there was something wrong with me and so I kept it to myself. When I got into relationships I still kept it to myself out of fear of rejection. I refused to give the other person the opportunity to decide for themselves how they felt about the issue. I wanted to protect them from me. I have two children and I want to protect them from the world and from me. I'm not like most crossdressers, I'm am bisexual. So they, including my wife, need to be protected from me and the only way I can do that at the moment is to keep it to myself. However, sooner or later I will tell them and remove myself from their lives. They will then be able to decide for themselves whether or not they want anything to do with me.

I think your father was trying to protect you from him and his lifestyle out of love for you. He didn't feel good about himself and he wouldn't have wanted your pity. He also knew he wasn't going to change and this is not how a father wants his child(ren) to see him.

I'm glad that you love him even after you found out what his life was like. I'm sure he feels regret for missing your love.

Bonnie

[peachy11]

The replies have been really helpful thank-you all dearly. I am touched by the openness of stories being shared and my understanding is growing!

It is strange how life throws things at us, often the difficult bits are the things that shape our characters. I was raised by my paternal grandparents in England and it was a horrible environment. I spent 10yrs being shunned by the family due to their victorian view points. One day out of the blue i had an overwhelming feeling to visit my Grandfather to forgive him of his wrongs. He cried his eyes out when he saw me. He died 2mths after.
My dad would not respond to the messages of his father passing away, as he was living the life of a hermit. So i took the bull by the horns and forced my way to dad, it was 10yrs since i had seen him. I drove dad to the chapel of rest so he could say his goodbyes to his father. Afterwards we sat in a pub together and he told me how his dad had wished that he, his son, had been born a blonde haired girl. I thought little of this comment at the time, but maybe that had some relevance on his later CD.

The last time i saw my dad was at his fathers funeral, it was the only time i heard him say he was proud of me, he died 2 months later. Though i had not seen either of them in 10yrs, i was driven by an urge to forgive, not knowing the inevitable.


The door to his house was broken down when a neighbor raised concern. The policeman who entered his house told me my dad had been dead for a month, he was found in his armchair with his hands in prayer.

Not only had dad spent 46 years dealing with his sexuality, he had also dedicated his last few years to God. I saw the daily journals and prayers written over a 3yr period, he had been celibate at that time, striving to find peace with his spirit.

Dad was a genius of a man he worked 20yrs in the psychiatric field, he had a love for the lost in society, yet he was lost, but found in his faith.

I wont try to dispute, what went wrong or right for him, but he was a good man worthy of his story being told!

Forgive me if i have said too much, but its just a little bit of him, in this vast world.

We are all existing with wounds and yet we have hopes!
Thank you for hearing me...
Peachy

[Wenda]

No need to apologize. We are proud that you have taken this to the best conclusion possible, both for your father and for you. God bless,

[Penny]

Dear Peachy, I'm so sorry for what life dealt you. Sometimes life is'nt fair. Working in the field that your dad did, perhaps there was no way in his mind to rationalize or justify his behavior which would have been hiding his secrets,
lieing about who he was and covering up any minor mistakes at the same time
providing a child moral guidance. Perhaps he is to be commended for his sacrifice and being above that. The fact that he stated he couldn't be a grandad leads me to believe he fully understood what parenting involved and could not say one thing and do another. The right thing is not always the easy thing!

[peachy11]

Thanks Wenda and Penny,

I do agree that he had made his sacrifices and possibly feared coming out!
Its just such a shame that he ended up in so much isolation.

I can understand parents not wanting to discuss CD with children, being protective or stepping back. The cost of cutting oneself off from their child permanently can never be a good thing for both parties involved. If that is the only option then what purpose does it serve other than negative.

I know its a very delicate area when children are involved, but in my case early childhood or after late teens would have been perfect times for my acceptance of Dads CD & sexual preference. I would have rather had my dad wearing a dress with his boyfriend visiting for roast dinner, than no visits from him at all. In fact, in the photos he looked really beautiful with his hair and makeup done, if anything he was more like me then than the before picture. Just would have loved to have taken him shopping! Im a lover of shoes lol!

People can be really prejudiced, but all gossip becomes yesterdays talk at some point. I guess i just wish things could have been different for us! If i could hope for anything now, it would be, that maybe others who find themselves withdrawing from life and loved ones think twice. A family should keep on reaching out for each-other and build on their differences, because where one is strong another is weak and visa versa...

[Wenda]

Thanks Wenda and Penny,

I would have rather had my dad wearing a dress with his boyfriend visiting for roast dinner, than no visits from him at all. In fact, in the photos he looked really beautiful with his hair and makeup done, if anything he was more like me then than the before picture. Just would have loved to have taken him shopping! Im a lover of shoes lol!
You can say that now with the advantage of maturity and hindsight. Would have felt that way in grade 5? For sure, your dad couldn't believe that you would.
The past is past, we can't change it, but we can deal with it and learn from it, which is what I think you are doing. You are also teaching, which is perhaps even more important. I believe your dad would be so proud.