Sexual Addiction

[leftyblueeyes]

Hi ladies,

I want to ask your opinion here because it sure seems as though the CD men usually won't look at these questions objectively. Thank you in advance for being there to listen.

What can you all tell me regarding sexual addiction and otherwise just plain obsession? Inside I know that my CDing is not only sexually motivated. That is a component, but it is not the whole picture. However, regardless of whether it is a sexual addiction, or an obsession that prevents me from living life fully connected with reality, is my CDing in that regard a bad thing? My wife's greatest fear in all of this is that it will become, or already is, an addiction and that it will keep me from fully connecting with her, myself, my kids, my work, etc. I seek to be as fully authentic as possible in life, and if this has potential to become a barrier to the rest of my life, what can I do about it? I only fully opened this up to my wife a few weeks ago after 11 years of marriage, though she has known bits and pieces for about 10 years. She even told me last night that for about those nine years she has wondered if there was more to it (perhaps that I even wanted to be a woman - which I don't). Since I began talking with her about it a few weeks ago, I have thought about more than ever before and have gone to buy some very cheap lingerie. Also played around with some makeup one night to a greater extent than I have before and shaved my armpits. I don't think it is an obsession, especially a sexual addiction, it feels more like it is a part of my psyche than that. It is an expression of something deeper, something core to my mental makeup. But I want to take her fear fully into account, AND I want to be fully honest and acknowledging of reality. But, I don't think I can let this go, and I don't know if I want to.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[Anita Mae GG]

I think the make up and shaving is all part of the exploration of crossdressing. Once my hubby and I talked about his CDing in full, he began to venture out with make up, shaving etc. I think that is normal.

As far as connecting with your wife and CDing being a barrier of sorts...I recommend just being open and honest and there will be no barrier......

Good luck :hugs:

[~Kitty GG~]

Maybe you're just worried that this isn't normal and feel edgy about experimenting with makeup etc.. Talking with your wife can help the two of you to find "normal" for you. Together you can talk about both of your feelings and together you can experiment with how this fits in your relationship.

It can be a great way to connect with your wife.


Inside I know that my CDing is not only sexually motivated. That is a component, but it is not the whole picture. However, regardless of whether it is a sexual addiction, or an obsession that prevents me from living life fully connected with reality, is my CDing in that regard a bad thing? My wife's greatest fear in all of this is that it will become, or already is, an addiction and that it will keep me from fully connecting with her, myself, my kids, my work, etc. I seek to be as fully authentic as possible in life, and if this has potential to become a barrier to the rest of my life, what can I do about it?

These are questions that you and your wife need to explore together and possibly with a therapist.

The fact that you ask "regardless of whether it is a sexual addiction, or an obsession that prevents me from living life fully connected with reality, is my CDing in that regard a bad thing?" rings some warning bells for me.

Yes! in my opinion anything that keeps me from fully connected with reality is a bad thing.

Now I'm not saying CDing is bad, and I'm not even deciding what's right for you.. I'm saying that I wouldn't want to live my life disconnected from reality. And that your wife & kids may not want to have a husband/father who's disconnected either.

If you seriously think that this could be a problem, then don't blame the CDing. Get some help.

If you're just feeling jittery about these first steps out of the closet .. give yourself time. And keep communicating with your wife so that your both moving in the same direction.

Love & Hugs
~Kitty~

[Sandra]

It sounds to me as though you are slowly comming out into the open, give yourself and your wife time, talk to each other and be as open and honest as you can.

[Jean GG]

I am fairly new at giving input but hopefully I can be of some use. My husband used cd as a way of disconnecting from reality and it caused us very serious problems. We are just beginning to work them out. What would have helped us was open and honest communication. The problem with open and honest communication is that one CANNOT always sort out one's feelings and it leads to a lot of confusion in one's head. Needless to say, my husband is just now beginning to learn how to communicate.

I believe there is such thing as HEALTHY CONFUSION because it makes us question things...such as you are doing now. The confusion should then recede if one does some soul searching and is able to acknowledge one's needs. In the process...the wife should be in the picture...and priorities should be set. Understanding is the human bridge but not one easily crossed. jean

[leftyblueeyes]

You are all so cool, thank you for your input. I want to respond to each of you, I am so grateful

Kitty: "If you seriously think that this could be a problem, then don't blame the CDing. Get some help."
- It is hard to hear, but thank you for being forthright. I am in so many ways a very aware, real, connecting person. But, life is a journey to become more conscious and it is a journey I choose. There is something about life though that I am still may be afraid of and you are right that this would not be about the CDing but some other internal belief thing that brings this about.

It still may be that this is just flat out something that I want and enjoy, and that is all there is to it, so I want to keep that in consideration. That is why
Sandra's comment:" you are slowly comming out into the open, give yourself and your wife time" is so helpful. Thank you Sandra for the reminder. I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to figure it out and to come to some conclusions (hence even starting this thread). But I have been pushing it too hard and creating a lot of anxiety. I know that I want to dress. I don't want the desire to go away even, I just want to have a clear picture of how it fits in my life and how to keep balance.

JeanM, you said: The confusion should then recede if one does some soul searching and is able to acknowledge one's needs. In the process...the wife should be in the picture...and priorities should be set. Understanding is the human bridge but not one easily crossed."
- Your reply certainly works for me Jean. I believe you are right as well that basically if I accept the confusion and use it I will come to some clarity. Now, the questions I am left with though are:

- Is it really a "need" to crossdress? I am pretty sure my wife doesn't think so. I think my wife wife believes I have the human power to control this and to just change my mind. She isn't saying I should, but that I could. The human mind, I am aware, is vastly more powerful than most of us are willing to accept, and that is one belief I am sticking to.
-Also, you mention setting "priorities." I can see that happening inside of me. For example, it is a priority to me that I get to at least try shaving my legs. If this, or something else, isn't a priority from her standpoint, how do we come together in this effort to set priorites? I know for certain that right now she doesn't believe she has any vested interest in me doing any CDing. She says I could do it or not do it and it doesn't matter. Where I appreciate the acceptance, I don't know how to "keep her in the picture." I know how to talk about my thoughts and desires, but what more can I offer if she doesn't take a look at the issue itself? CDing is very important to me and I just can't seem to get that across to her - largely because I can't exactly say why.

Really I have been rambling and even in my rambling I am realizing some things. But, rather than continuing to ramble, I would rather just hear anything more you might have to say.

Thanks again.

[Kate Simmons]

Reality for yourself is how you make it. You talked about balance. You need to get a handle on your own feelings and needs first so you can understand yourself. Nothing in itself is "right" or "wrong", it's all about choices and how you handle it. Your SO is obviously important to you. You need input and communication. I cannot overstress the importance of this. All the feelings need to be addressed and put into perspective. Be patient, it doesn't come overnight. Good luck, Ericka

[Jean GG]

SETTING PRIORITIES: In terms of setting priorities, here I am referring to YOU setting YOUR priorites. It does NOT seem that your wife is anywhere near doing so with you and until she does (and if she loves you, she is likely to do so) YOU must know YOUR OWN priorities.

KEEP HER IN THE PICTURE: Oten my husband would get angry because he could not explain things to me. So I taught him to simply say "I wish I could explain this to you, but I don't understand it myself at this time. I will give it more thought". In other words, DON'T BE SELFISH WITH ANY OF YOUR FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS!

MY THOUGHTS AND DESIRES: Sorry...you may not want to hear this but...SOME cd's get caught up mostly in their thoughts and desires and completely disregard their wifes's. I don't know if this is true with you...you only know that. But, I personally consider this selfish! Not only that...but ultimately it COSTS YOU if you have been able to set your priorities and keeping your marriage is on the list.

I have a lot of compassion for all living things...but compassion alone sometimes is not enough to help someone in distress. Sometimes we must tackle the reality of the situation vs. getting lost in it. Hopefully you will not mind my being so direct...hopefully it will be of some help to you.
jean

JeanM, you said: The confusion should then recede if one does some soul searching and is able to acknowledge one's needs. In the process...the wife should be in the picture...and priorities should be set. Understanding is the human bridge but not one easily crossed."
- Your reply certainly works for me Jean. I believe you are right as well that basically if I accept the confusion and use it I will come to some clarity. Now, the questions I am left with though are:

- Is it really a "need" to crossdress? I am pretty sure my wife doesn't think so. I think my wife wife believes I have the human power to control this and to just change my mind. She isn't saying I should, but that I could. The human mind, I am aware, is vastly more powerful than most of us are willing to accept, and that is one belief I am sticking to.
-Also, you mention setting "priorities." I can see that happening inside of me. For example, it is a priority to me that I get to at least try shaving my legs. If this, or something else, isn't a priority from her standpoint, how do we come together in this effort to set priorites? I know for certain that right now she doesn't believe she has any vested interest in me doing any CDing. She says I could do it or not do it and it doesn't matter. Where I appreciate the acceptance, I don't know how to "keep her in the picture." I know how to talk about my thoughts and desires, but what more can I offer if she doesn't take a look at the issue itself? CDing is very important to me and I just can't seem to get that across to her - largely because I can't exactly say why.

Really I have been rambling and even in my rambling I am realizing some things. But, rather than continuing to ramble, I would rather just hear anything more you might have to say.

Thanks again.[/QUOTE]