confusion and ........

[Tanya]

Hi evreryone , first off I would like to thank short skirt for directing me here! Secondly thanks to all who responded to me yesterday .
Well here goes ..... I started dressing when I was in my early teens . It was a facsination of women how they looked ,smelled, felt. I was just wearing nylons that were left around the house and i found a huge arousal when i put them on . Years later , much later i got married and she had bought some naughty underwear for special occasions . i just couldn't resist the temptation and had to try them on . The feelings came back and one day i was caught. She was shocked to say the least but went along with it and actually started buying me clothing and shoes . We ended our relationship after 18 years and her vowing never to tell anyone about my dressing . I now have a girlfriend to which i told my secret to so there wouold be no surprise and she had said she would try to understand. In the past year she has bought me wigs and toys etc.
well yesterday came the big 180 . She said she is trying to undersstand but wants nothing to do with it . i had told her that the more i suppress it the more it makes me want to do it . So for the past little while i have been talking with others on other sites and dressing up in the closet once again . she says that if i do this behind her back its as bad as lying to her . yet she gets upset when i talk with others on those sites .

anyone have any suggestions ?

hugs & kisses,
Tanya

[Penny]

It is difficult for a woman to understand because it is difficult for us to explain. Women use looking pretty to attract a man. When it works, they feel pretty. Julie Andrews sings "I feel pretty, oh so pretty". The truth is
that women do not have a exclusive on feeling pretty. If she really wants to
understand, suggest that she go a week without makeup, hose, heels, bright
colors ect. If she never tries to look pretty herself, then she will not understand you and perhaps it would be better to find a new girlfriend.

[Tracy_Victoria]

I understand how you feel Tanya, and you have to remember not all GG, can get there head round the idea of this, nor can they accept this in there partner. I know from my own partners stuggle to accept me, dispite giving me her blessing to do this, it still was a struggle for her to accept I did this, and even now 13 years later down the road, we are only now fully discovering (slowly) our path, and believe me, I'm so very grateful to her for even trying.

My Partner always said she wished I had talked more, so thats my advice to you, but you must accept she might never ever be able to accept this. However I never ever thought my partner would be at a place she is now, so I'm very greatful, and thankful to her for her efforts to understand more, but this is something most girls don't sign up for. the only thing in my favour on this, is I was totally open and told my SO about me, before we even got serious.

you really need to think about how she feels, the best way this was discribed to me was how would you felt if you came home from a hard days work, to her waking round with a smoking jacket and a pipe! (thats kind of the reverse of this!) so you must understand that some girls just can't accept it.

Thankfully, I think my SO knows Now, that I can be manly, yet be fem some times too, I know she doesn't want a female to love, she wants me, and quite rightly so! she entered in to this relationship with me, not with Tracy, but she has always thankfully accepted that there is a part of me that is more femining than some males, and it what makes the overall package, ie the two side of me, make the one.

My only advice (which I wish I had done years ago, rather than both of us burying it, to a point we both ignored it in a way!) is talk, and be honest, if you can't stop dressing and she can't accept you doing it even without her seeing you, then the only direction your relationship can go in, is one of self distruction sadly. hence you need to talk, and be armed with some facts on what you do, and also ask her to read and view some sites, even comments from here. as they say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Therefore you must remember that she might just not be able to accept this, and one of you will have to give way, or your relationship will sadly.

I was so luck, my SO, allowed my to dress, and always gave me space, but for years she had little to do with it, but she supported my need to do this. however time has repair the damage, we are now both older, and wiser, and she is more aware of my need to do this now than she ever was, yet dispited all this she still has not seen me fully dressed up, for years, and thats why I don't have a picture displayed at present (I have loads) but we are taking this one step at a time, slowly, with little chucks at a time, shes don't my make up twice now, and each time we push forward a little more. As the most important think here is to remember how much of a step this is for them, and believe me I'm so, so greatful for My SO's trying now to understand, but I even now known dispite getting as far as we have, it's still a lot to ask, and it still could all go pear shaped at any point.

good luck, I hope you find a path, like my SO and I have. it can be fun for both parties, but both parties, have to want to understand, and sadly fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, and fear of what you really want, is all acting against you.

[Tanya]

Thanks for the advise . no I will not get a new girlffriend. As for talking and opening up i think would be the better solution . it's just that i did open up to her before we got really serious and she said she would try to understand . we talked last night and some emotions came out . I think it was a step in the right direction . after all she is more accepting than my ex wife ever was . we did alot of experimenting .I do love her and will make concessions to benifit our relationship . She had told me from the waist up is hers but how does one dress fully from the waist down . She does wear very little make up and is more of an outdoorsy type person . very natural and i love her dearly . She is the one and only for me and always will be .One of her complaints was that i might go after other "gurls" . yes i am turned on by some of them out there but that will remain just a fantasy .she has said it does nothing for her. she wants a man . I am ok with this but feel the need to bring Tanya out of the closet once in a while as it feels right with that persona .I do however enjoy and am really comfortable being a man , but once in a while i dress for relaxation .

Tanya

[DonnaT]

She said she is trying to undersstand but wants nothing to do with it . i had told her that the more i suppress it the more it makes me want to do it . So for the past little while i have been talking with others on other sites and dressing up in the closet once again . she says that if i do this behind her back its as bad as lying to her . yet she gets upset when i talk with others on those sites .
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she has said it does nothing for her. she wants a man . I am ok with this but feel the need to bring Tanya out of the closet once in a while as it feels right with that persona .I do however enjoy and am really comfortable being a man , but once in a while i dress for relaxation .

She doesn't want you to dress behind her back, and in fact, doesn't want you to do it at all.

That becomes more of an ultimatum than a compromise.

A compromise would be to tell her whenever you feel a need to dress, and then if she doesn't want to see it, she can go out or you can keep to a certain room, or something.

You're being honest, not lying, and taking care of your health, be it mental, physical or both.

My wife has done the 180˚ thing several times in the 30 years she's known. She knows I'm not returning to the closet.

[Melissa A.]

Hi Tanya,

What Donna said. You've been couragous enough to be honest, and maybe she is being so now, too. But changing the rules midstream IS an ultimatum, no matter what the issue. We as cds do need to understand that this ain't an easy thing for many people, but that is why when we decide to be who we are, we choose more carefully, and of course, be honest from the start. Seems youv'e done that. The end question is, does she want you to have some happiness? even if everything else is going great, a cd who is forbidden to cd is being forced to give up a real part of who they are, which can only lead to negative things happening, which may not seem related or consequential, but I and many other girls here know better. Open communication and compromise mean just that-not threats and ultimatums. I won't say move on if you can't achieve that(your decision only) but beware-denying yourself that which is you, in my experience, never helps. A person who really does care for you should know that. Wishing you the best.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Kate Simmons]

It's got a lot to do with what is more important to you, Tanya or her. She can probably deal with the dressing part but may be unsure of where your committment lies. That was my experience anyway. Ericka

[Tanya]

Thanks, maybe i can have her sign up on th esite and see if she would like advise from others as well. we might even go see a shrink.

Kisses,
Tanya

[ShortSkirt]

It can never hurt to ask for help, from anyone.

[Tanya]

Well, i have convinced my SO to go on line here and get some info of what i am all about . i do find it hard to talk about it as at first she seemed really intrigued by my crossdressing . It seemed that the questions were answered or so i thought . we did start off slow and her showing what i thought was interest on her part i gradually brought more of my stuff out ( not wearing but rather showing my wardrobe ). she even borrowed some of my clothes .at first she said that from the waist up should remain male as she couldnt really handle it all at once .Once in a while i would ask if i could wear a dress . at this time i didnt have a complete look ( wig , make up etc.). she would be ok with that at that time . Up until recently i had asked if i could dress up fully . We both went on line and looked at accessories ( wigs and the like ) . she bought me two wigs . She said if i needed a wig she would pick them out as for me to be more passable looking . I took this as a sign of acceptance and understanding . was i wrong!!!! i think that the confusion started after talking on another site with other people . yes i am a bit of a flirt when acting en femme i must confess. She had asked if i was going to meet theses people and said she would understand if i wanted to . I had thought about it but would have never gone through with it as i deep down beleive that playing with others is still cheating no matter what even with consent of your SO. I have not gone back to that site as a sign of good faith to my g/f. So here i sit , knowing my female clothing is in the closet as i am once again . I have tried to assure her that she is the only one for me as i do want to grow old with her and drift away into the sunset .

[kaycd47]

My wife and I were together for 17 years. I say were because the divorce is in proccess. She knew before we got married that I was a cd. I had my own place and was careless about a baby doll I left out. She blew and torched the baby doll in the front yard! She thought I had a girlfriend. So...... I explained myself. She too tried to accept it and went as far as buying me panties and lingerie. However, the turn around did come and I came home one day to find every article of fem clothing I owned on the posters of our bed. She told me that was it and she could not deal with it.............

I honestly tried to purge it all. But, like most cd's that is not easy to do.

I won't go as far as saying that my cding caused our split because she has big issues of her own that she will not deal with or accept. However, It is fuel for the fire if we disagree on some other topic...........

I wish and hope for you the best,

Kay

[Tanya]

i do want to talk about it with her but find it hard to do so . when is exactly a good time ? There are other things that are stressfull in our lives( Teenagers, jobs, money etc just like everyone else) and i cant find a time between them .How does one start ? wait until they walk in the door, wait a few minutes, hours and drop the bomb? Hey honey lets talk about me crossdressing ........Boom! We have started communicating along with both of us coming here to get advise or even vent . My So does not like it when i'm refered on here as h/she as she says she is not interested in me asa heshe because i am a man that likes to crossdress. She is trying to get her head around it but is having a hard time as other stresses in our lives keep popping up . This is probably why i dont open up as much as i'd like to so as not to keep piling it up on her plate .

[weemoofrazz]

Tanya, although I am relatively new to the issue of CDing, in that I am a GG who only found out about her Boyfriends CDing a few weeks ago I’d like to tell you how I know I feel sometimes and why, and perhaps some of the reasons may be similar to those reasons your SO has for the 180 !

Firstly you mentioned that she initially was very accepting and even participated in that she bought you the wigs etc, and so from that point of view to her now not wanting anything to do with Tanya I can see looks like a real reversal. Why?

I often "rollercoaster" as I like to call it and will participate with my boyfriend (Kirsteen) in his dressing, to the same extent as your SO did, waist down as it were and I too have advised and bought things for him...so I find it amazing myself when I get day's when I wish it would all go away and I didn't need to face it as part of my life....In reflection I would say that there is often a trigger for these feelings a catalyst...Perhaps your SO has had a chat with another GG, not about you intentionally, but the topic of CDing has came up and perhaps her friends have been less than understanding and maybe derogatory or cruel about men who dress, maybe these peer perceptions have influenced her?...This is conjecture you understand and I am only going from my own experience.

From my experience as well the whole issue of "other" people’s involvement is a bone of contention. Kirsteen also used sites to chat, exchange photos and ultimately engage in online sex and this I found the hardest part to accept. It's purely the "other" person aspect...Perhaps your SO feels a little jealous of these other people, perhaps she feels threatened, and she may even suspect that you have been less than faithful as a result of your activity even though you know that you haven’t been.

Talk to her, it's always good advice to be honest and open, tell her that it doesn't matter what the problem is or how hurtful the truth may be, you want to know. This said Tanya, be prepared for the worst and try to think through every eventuality, as was previously mentioned perhaps your SO just cannot truly accept your CDing and her initial "acceptance" was no more than an attempt by her to try to accept, to acknowledge it that may have failed.

Whatever your outcome, I really do wish you well, time and other pressures are something’s that we all have to endure, rather than being blatant about what you want to discuss with her try being constructive, book a nice meal or some form of alone time and tell her that the purpose of it is to talk to her about a something that is really important to you as a person and as her SO...

I wish you well Tanya, and I ask that above all else you give your SO time, this may just be a dip on the "rollercoaster" and it may just take time for her to rattle back to the top....Time, honesty and communication and you personally cannot go wrong.

Good luck.:hugs: